Ah, another wondrous, fun-filled week, trapped in America with an idiot death cult hellbent on playing chicken with objective reality. You can check out any time you like, but…well, you know.

I’m not gonna lie, the winning has been spectacular, but watching the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian discover heretofore unimagined new ways to lose, all day, every day? It turns out that not only is the death of a would-be dictator’s dream a mighty goddamn satisfying thing to behold, but repetition doesn’t deaden the delight in the slightest. Keep on filin’ these lawsuits, Dotard, our appetite for your humiliation is insatiable.

Like, didja see where he threatened to veto the big defense spending bill, unless it includes his Revenge on Twitter For Being Mean to Me clause, and Congress just went, “Aw, look at the wee lame duck, he squawks so amusingly?” SO GOOD. I mean, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but a massive bipartisan veto override would make for an absolutely orgasmic capper to this glorious period of public degradation.

Also, President Shartcannon issued what he claimed was the “most important speech” of his reign, a meandering, lie-filled, 46-minute rant on why the final season of Game of Thrones was unsatisfactory or some shit; I dunno, I didn’t watch it, and neither did anybody else. Your once-mighty pulpit is turning to sand and running right through those tiny, inadequate fingers, isn’t it, little grifter?

Mike Flynn joined Roger Stone in calling for martial law, which strikes me as a smiiiiidge greedy for a couple of convicted felons who would be in prison right now were they not best buds (and co-conspirators) with the most corrupt President in American history. Quit while you’re ahead, boys.

Zounds, Republicans in Georgia sure are putting on a show; it’s like the Butter Battle Book, only nothing rhymes and everyone is a festering asshole. I wasted all my Frankenstein jokes last blog, and that was before Sidney Powell and Lin Wood proclaimed that deep state Democucks like Brian Kemp and Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue must be punished for their failure to deliver the Turd Emperor from democracy’s cruel jaws! Real Muricans must boycott the GOP in the coming runoff! There simply aren’t enough Frankenstein jokes to keep up with this crap!

Now Noot Gingrich is all, “Wait, we want you hateful and crazy but not THIS hateful and crazy!” as though there’s any corralling the rabid throng once you’ve spiked the punch bowl at the Klan rally with bath salts. So you see, electing Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff to the Senate not only pries power from Mitch McConnell’s tyrannical terrapin claw, it delivers sweetest pure cane justice to the very fucks who unleashed this plague of disinformation in the first place.

Like, this is what happens when you fail to condemn Rudy Giuliani as he farts his way through the national discourse, spreading dangerous, ridiculous lies that millions now believe. Yes, when the President of the United Frickin’ States’ lawyer platforms braindead maniacs, your army of credulous rubes will dutifully swallow whatever river of horseshit said maniacs belch forth; it’s what you’ve trained them to do. The cult giveth, and the cult taketh away.

More bad news, Republicans, not only has the mob grown too feral to tame, your own clumsy attempts at voter fraud have blown up in your faces, partially because voter fraud is extremely rare and easy to detect, partially because your man here is a massive dumbass with a stupid plan.

So yeah, here we are, on the brink of an election with control of the Senate at stake; Democrats more energized and organized than ever before, Republicans worried they’ve finally driven their base too insane to vote. It won’t be easy, but I like our chances; let’s win this shit.

I guess Crotchtumor, Jr. dreams of taking over the floundering, graft-wrecked National Rifle Association, like a needy child emulating Daddy’s work life with a plastic Playskool set: Baby’s First Death Cult. I like it, there’s an elegant loser symmetry in this pairing.

It’s kind of adorable, watching Senate Republicans’ flaccid attempts to resurrect their old Bad Faith Outrage Theatre shtick, like the last four years of oath-breaking, authoritarianism-enabling cowardice never happened. “Oh we couldn’t POSSIBLY confirm Neera Tanden, she sent mean tweets, P.S. everybody’s forgotten about that time the head of our party inspired a terrorist plot to storm the Michigan State Capitol in order to execute Governor Whitmer on live TV, right?”

Marsha Blackburn continues to behave like the most racist character in a Hollywood movie about racism, which I think is sort of a shame, on account of how she’s a U.S. Senator and all. Have I mentioned how cool it would be to seize the Senate from these shitty, shitty people? We should do that. In Georgia. In January.

Meanwhile, Operation: Rub My Ass All Over Everything Before Joe Gets Here continues, with a fresh round of purges at the Pentagon, and the last-minute installation of loyal bagmen like Corey Lewandowski and David Bossie. I bet Eric’s in charge of looting every supply cabinet in the executive branch, so that whatever grift they launch next year doesn’t have to buy paper clips or printer ink for a while.

Let’s see, what else’re these rat finks trying to fuck up on their way out the door? They’re rushing to auction off drilling rights in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, naturally, because Stephen Miller has encouraged everyone to pursue as much as evil as time will permit, I guess.

In another sign of the Turd Reich’s fading clout, Heidi Stirrup has been physically banned from the offices of the Justice Department. Who is Heidi Stirrup? Well, since we live in an extremely First World, not-at-all-a-shithole, healthy, functioning democracy, she is one of a series of spies appointed by the Shart House to keep tabs on the federal bureaucracy, and to make sure those uppity public servants aren’t letting the needs of the American people interfere with Hairplug Himmler’s political or financial interests. Heidi was digging for information to help her boss out with his attempted coup (remember that?), so we’re probably better off without her input.

Of course, one power remaining to Government Cheese Goebbels is the power of the pardon, and he’s clinging to it like a giant robot Rod Blagojevich made up of smaller robot Rod Blagojeviches. So if you’re wondering, “Why isn’t the president doing a single fucking thing about the pandemic that’s more out of control than ever, dear lord, it’s like 9/11 every day, why won’t he help us?” It’s because he’s trying to figure out exactly how much crime his parasitic family can get away with.

Now, I don’t know how he’s even managing it at this point, but I’ll be damned if Donnie Two-Scoops didn’t lose the election all over again, this time in Nevada, just while I was scribblin’ tonight. Oooooo, also Wisconsin! I never thought it was possible to lose so much in such a short time, he’s a miracle of fucking science.

Michigan now, too? Fuck, I have to stop now; I have a full evening of pointing and laughing ahead of me. I know y’all are (much) smarter than the average wingnut, but do stay extra-safe out there, friends; times are really quite intensely cray.