Must be exceptionally frustrating for the aspiring autocrat to finally, finally arrive at that Reichstag Fire moment he’s sought for so long only to realize his tiny fingers are too stunted and ineffectual to strike a match.

I can only imagine the jeering of the other tyrants in the group chat. I mean, when Putin takes aim at a comedian, he doesn’t wind up launching the guy to his best ratings in over a decade. 

In hindsight, they probably should’ve figured out the plan to use Charlie Kirk’s assassination to usher in a wave of oppression was doomed when they couldn’t get through the memorial service without Stephen Miller channeling Goebbels.

Or Tucker Carlson’s cackling anti-Semitism.

Or the President of the United States undercutting the grieving widow’s grace and forgiveness with a petulant, snarling embrace of hate for its own sake.

Y’know, I never thought I’d have a least favorite funeral.

I do have to tip my hat to the MAGA princeling who screwed wheels to the giant cross he brought, though; despite the years I’ve spent satirizing this sad, soft, sloppy cult, when it comes to making the American Right look ridiculous, you dorks still run circles around me. Which is another situation where those wheels must come in handy, now that I think about it.

In the end, the golden age of Kirk-based cancel culture lasted a little more than a Scaramucci, owing to the now familiar problem of weirdo overreach, from Megyn Kelly’s ranting drivel about witchcraft to the House GOP’s attempts to immortalize the martyred bigot on U.S. currency.

And when the corporate cowards at ABC/Disney once again capitulated to creeping authoritarian shenanigans, the American public stood up to say, nay sing, in a clear, ringing, unified voice, “NO MORE,” or at least “CANCEL MY HULU SUBSCRIPTION,” for here at last was activism that could be accomplished in less than five minutes, from the comfort of our phones.

So Jimmy Kimmel gets his job back, and we get to finish Only Murders in the Building after all, while the flunkies slink back to the shadows, unconvincingly muttering that they never wanted to gut the dumb ol’ First Amendment anyway.

Wingnut media conglomerates Sinclair and Nexstar, which own ABC stations in several markets, made a big, pouty show of holding out, demanding an apology and a TPUSA donation plus Jimmy would have to do the truffle shuffle, but quickly accepted Kimmel’s counteroffer of jack shit, because none of these asshats are nearly as tough as they want you to think.

The Dotard himself vowed further retribution, which might’ve seemed more impressive coming from a guy who hadn’t just lost yet another round to his lifelong nemesis: the wily staircase.

Look, we live in an era of dueling realities where little is certain, but when you complain your life was threatened by a stopped escalator, one thing you are definitionally not is a strongman.

That said, if the teleprompter was in on it too, you’re clearly dealing with a globalist plot. Jesse Watters is right, we should blow up the United Nations. Also, violent political rhetoric is only a problem on the Left.

What can you say about that U.N. address except that it was the worst presidential speech in a week when he proselytized hatred during a eulogy? And if you thought this one was embarrassing, well, he gets to do this every year, y’know. At the rate the dementia is progressing, I’d grant decent odds he’ll be lobbing either slurs or his own feces from that podium before his term’s up.

Apparently Secretary Funsoxx recalled every single high-ranking general and admiral in the military from their posts around the globe so he can lecture them on “warrior ethos.”

I hope that scene makes it into the eventual biopic. You can see it, right? All our gruffest character actors, your James Cromwells and Delroy Lindos, David Morses and Edward James Olmoses, glaring at, say, Seann William Scott under five pounds of hair product, clenching their teeth a little harder every time he says “warfighter”?

Well, first they dismantled the longest continuous political protest in the nation’s history, the White House Peace Vigil, and now they’ve taken down a statue honoring friendship? Reached for comment, Karoline Leavitt pledged to “get your little dog, too.”

Granted, it’s unlikely the Pedophile in Chief appreciated the reminder of his longtime BFFhood with America’s most notorious sex trafficker, particularly now that Adelita Grijalva is on her way to Washington (having coasted to victory in that special election in the Arizona 7th) to provide the 218th signature on Thomas Massie’s discharge petition to force the release of the remaining Epstein files.

So naturally Speaker Moses wants to keep the House in recess as long as possible, which I get, since goodness knows how much detail those files contain about these meetings we’re just learning about between Jeffy-Jeff and the likes of Steve Bannon, Peter Thiel, and Elon Musk.

No reputable doctor or scientist anywhere believes Tylenol causes autism, but here in ‘Murica, we leave decisions on such matters to whale skull-harvesting heroin addicts with cranial parasites.

That press conference triggered so many fun memories, didn’t it? Without even really thinking about it, I poured myself a tall, frosty glass of disinfectant to kick back and watch Donnie Two-Dolls struggle to regurgitate Bobby Brainworm’s quackery in perhaps the most terrifyingly high-stakes game of telephone in modern history.

Meanwhile, down in DeSantistan, they’re about to spend millions of taxpayer dollars researching whether horse paste cures cancer, because have you ever seen a horse with cancer? Tumors could be made of worms for all Joe Ladapo knows.

Alex Jones thought he’d finally found his very own Deep State agent to attack his enemies (the odious Ed Martin, who else?), but their plan to persecute the Sandy Hook first responder who successfully sued him collapsed when Jones proved incapable of stopping himself from bragging on social media. Heh.

We’ve got so many imbeciles running face-first into so many walls, we can’t hope to keep up with them all. The head of the EPA called climate change a hoax, and I have to link to a tweet because not one media outlet anywhere thought that was newsworthy.

Acting FEMA director David Richardson, the one who’d never heard of hurricane season, is apparently impossible to reach during emergencies because his weekly euchre night is sacrosanct, probably.

Kakistocracy is fucking amazing, isn’t it? I think Kristi Noem’s 28-year-old Deputy Director of ICE put it best when she said, “At the end of the day, what really makes anybody qualified for any job?”

In this administration? Hard to say, but I bet we can glean some clues from today’s headlines. Like the one that goes Trump Fired a U.S. Attorney Who Insisted on Following a Court Order, for example.

Yeah, we’ve been doing the whole “American dream” thing all wrong, you guys. Screw hard work and determination; this country belongs to the fuckups now.

Farmers reinstall the very same dipshit who nearly destroyed their industry with tariffs last time ‘round? Bam, bailout. Javier Milei crashes Argentina’s economy with policies that’ve failed wherever they’ve been tried? $20 billion bailout. Maybe we could get the cancer research to kick back in if the doctors all got together to bankrupt a casino?

Of course, for all the rank-and-file losers who can’t hope to fuck up at Milei’s scale, you can always vent your impotent fury by joining ICE. Beat up women and old men. If you want to feel like a really big man, maybe you can torment some roofers by kicking their ladders away and forcing them to jump down. You big, big man, you.

Anyway…then they came for James Comey, and admittedly I took the briefest of moments to think “Well, if anybody’s earned it…” but then I remembered how the poem ends.

The case is trash, of course, and the only lawyer they could find to prosecute it has never prosecuted one fucking thing in her entire stooge career, but it’s hard to take comfort in the incompetence when the party in power refuses to even lightly criticize a president who proudly tweets his Watergate-times-infinity-level corruption to the entire world.

That said, for all his faults, Off-Brand Orbán finally delivered us from our long national nightmare, and we can sleep soundly knowing the threat of foreign cabinetry is no more. Tariffs are so great, right? I’m particularly looking forward to paying twice as much for medication, especially with my insurance premiums set to skyrocket.

Oh, and I see the Daily Caller published a column explicitly calling for violence, which I think conclusively proves the violent rhetoric is coming exclusively from the Left. Also, the Democrat Party is the party of Satan, so we on the Left definitely need to cut it out with all the violent rhetoric. Right after we bomb the U.N. for making the President walk up some stairs.

For all the incessant fuckery, the big takeaway is still the Kimmel thing. A week ago, they were straight-up fucking strutting, remember that? Well, we beat ‘em. Took a few clicks and a few days. That’s all. Makes you wonder what else we’re capable of, doesn’t it?

For now, I say we celebrate. Toss a few bucks in my beer fund (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), and I’ll toast our big, fat W over the forces of fascism. As always, follow @john_luzar and join the party on the email list at showercapblog.com.

Especially now, because GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1 is mere hours away from completion, and the Kickstarter launch is closer than ever! I’m so excited to share this book with y’all, though I’m way too tired to talk about it right now. Sign up on the prelaunch page, and you’ll be the first to know when the campaign goes live!

Stay safe out there, chums…