I hope you can forgive me for interrupting your state-mandated grieving period for Saint Charlie the Not at All Racist Outside of the Odd Replacement Theory, but I find myself compelled to take my First Amendment rights out for a leisurely stroll tonight, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, possibly because of the manacles the masked gentlemen applied.

I think I’ll refer to him as Reichstag Chuck from here on out, because holy crud, they’re really goin’ for it, aren’t they? “In Charlie’s name,” as Stephen Miller so sinisterly snarled. It’s time, at last, for the fun chapters of the authoritarian takeover playbook, the ones long since dog-eared in the MAGA faithful’s personal copies: the part where they get to hurt people.

Welcome to kakistocrat kancel kulture! See, they’re going to punish us for calling them fascists by making us smoke an entire carton of fascism.

And if they need to stage a few false flag coffee cup ops to usher in their long-sought “one really violent day,” well, they can simply seek absolution at one of the Reichstag Chuck Shrines™️ coming soon to every public university campus in Oklahoma, if State Senator Shane Jett gets his way, though it is definitely not a cult.

Of course, this is all our own fault for being so violent. And sure, all available data proves that “right-wing extremist violence is more frequent and deadly than left-wing violence,” but with the government deleting the relevant studies and the screeching heads in the regime media bubble bleating the lie in unison, well…we’ve seen how that works out before, haven’t we?

At first glance, it seems like hypocrisy when Laura Ingraham shifts without blinking from demonizing the violent Left to celebrating state police violence against a Democratic candidate, but it’s not. It’s fascism. It’s asserting the right to redefine reality on a whim and to enforce an entirely different set of laws on your enemies.

That’s why the Murdochs assigned such a prominent role in the propaganda blitz to that Kilmeade twerp, after declining to discipline him even slightly for calling on the state to murder millions of homeless Americans. Again, not hypocrisy. The belief system is, in fact, remarkably consistent: we can do whatever the fuck we want; accept that or else.

I never thought of the FCC Chairmanship as the sort of office one could bring shame upon, but I guess Brendan Carr got sick of losing the Constitution-Shredding Stooge of the Month award (and the corresponding parking space + $25 Cracker Barrel gift card) to Pam Bondi.

So he went on bought-and-paid-for Russian agent Benny Johnson’s podcast to cosplay tuff guy for a few minutes, which was apparently enough to devolve the entire Disney/ABC boardroom into quivering invertebrates.

Now we have to cancel our Disney+ and our Hulu, right when Only Murders in the Building started up again, too. Fuckers. Aw, heck. I probably shouldn’t be so hard on ‘em. What’re our speech rights next to their billions?

I don’t see what the big deal is, frankly. The Founders clearly didn’t intend these rights to extend to speech Senator Cynthia Lummis dislikes, which is why they famously referred to the first ten amendments to the Constitution as the Bill of Suggestions.

Even Ted Cruz understands how fucking dangerous all this is, likely because history has shown that when autocrats begin curtailing liberties, it is those with the shittiest beards who suffer most, but still.

Of course, if Secretary Hegseth were the sort of fellow who heeded warnings or behaved prudently, there’d be $150 million worth of military aircraft less sitting at the bottom of the Red Sea right now, so I can’t imagine anyone was too terribly surprised by his declaration of warfighting on the Pentagon press corps. It is to be docile propaganda parroting or nuthin’,  just like in all the healthiest democracies.

You have to look at things from the Reich’s point of view. Honestly, if you were fucking up the economy this badly and in this many different ways, you wouldn’t want people talking about it, either.

Obviously, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has no constitutional right to release an embarrassing inflation report, but that’s easy enough to deal with: just stuff it in the same closet as that political violence study and all the other science.

Now if we could just get these pesky soybean farmers to stop talking about how the Dotard’s tariffs are decimating their livelihoods, and if the plebs would kindly stop googling “help with mortgage” at rates unseen since the Great Recession, OH, and if those Hyundai workers would kindly shut up about their mistreatment at ICE’s hands, that’d sure be swell.

You whiny serfs don’t appreciate all the sectors of the economy that’re thriving. Why, “border czar” Tom Homan made $50,000 in a single bribe, free of not just taxation but any consequences whatsoever, thanks to a Justice Department that’s far too busy prosecuting fake crimes to make time for real ones.

Of course, that’s chicken feed next to the billions the Trumps and Witkoffs made off their little crypto/computer chip scam with the United Arab Emirates. And now this H1-B visa swindle opens up a whole new frontier of graft. It’s almost inspiring, in a way. You can fail your way through life, at everything from casinos to airlines to pandemic management, and still find your true calling juuuuuust before the cankles set in.

Another fun law that’s not being enforced is the one banning TikTok. Instead, it’s to be sold to Off-Brand Orbán’s oligarch allies. Warner Bros. Discovery may be next, and O, what an information landscape we’ll have then, friends!

Anyway, if anybody out there is job hunting (and there’s more and more of that kind of thing going around lately), why not throw your hat in the ring for the suddenly available U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia gig? Absolutely no skills or experience are required for the candidate willing to fabricate charges targeting this one rapist’s enemies.

I don’t often indulge in Nuremberg trial fantasies, but I would give my shiniest quarter for a chance to witness JD Vance sweating through an orange jumpsuit at The Hague, watching footage of his giddy tight five on murdering Venezuelan fisherman for fashy funsies.

Yeah, Lil’ Donnie sure does like blowing up boats, doesn’t he? He’s developing a rather ravenous bloodthirst in his dotage, in fact. Threatened wars with two different countries just today, in fact. They’re gonna super-size that Nobel Peace Prize for him, I bet.

He did set the land speed losing-in-court record this week, though, as his $15 billion lawsuit against the New York Times got thrown out quicker than the most powerful person on Earth can identify a drawing of a piggie.

FBI Director Kash Patel set out to troll his way through a Congressional hearing, doling out sick burns tailor-made for prime-time Fox Nooz clips, but even that low hurdle proved unclearable. Ah well, how hard can running the nation’s largest law enforcement agency really be?

Oh, by the way, Kash says Epstein didn’t actually traffic anybody, least of all to his billionaire best bud who alluded to a “wonderful secret” in a creeptastic birthday message. Glad we got that cleared up.

Massive breaking scandal in Texas: it appears as though someone had sex with Ken Paxton. We must put an end to all such travesties, comrades, at any cost. In Charlie’s name.

Freshly deputized thought policemen at the Department of the Interior uncovered a dastardly Deep State plot to make Americans think slavery was bad; but fear not, the offending, if iconic, image, “Scourged Back,” is to be removed and replaced with Laura Loomer-penned fanfic depicting the extended adventures of Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Django Unchained.

Bobby Brainworm convened his Quack Council to begin in earnest their war on our children’s health, rescinding a longstanding recommendation for the combined shot for measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella for children under age 4. Think of it as an innovative, hands-on lesson in the history of eradicated diseases, kids!

And okay, fine, we’re losing our rights to a tyrannical pedophile who’s crashing our economy in a fit of petulant imbecility, but surely these are reasonable tradeoffs for the security granted by the strongman’s iron-fisted rule. Why, we’ve never been more feared or more respec-

What’s that? Russia continues to violate NATO allies’ airspace with impunity? This aggression cannot stand, man! Clearly we have no choice but to (checks notes) cut security assistance to the Baltics! Take that, Putin!

Anyway, as one of the 300 million Americans who died of a drug overdose last year, I shouldn’t need money, but I do. How else am I supposed to procure my drug of choice, which I think you all know by now is BEER? So feel free to toss a buck or two into my tip jar (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!) before they drag me away for wrongthink!

Oh, and please sign up on the prelaunch page for my next comic book Kickstarter!

GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE is a superhero thriller for this moment, right now. How do you fight for truth, justice, and the American way when those are the things we’re tearing ourselves apart over?

I’ve been working on it for a LONG-ASS TIME, as you know, and I can’t wait to share it with y’all. So stay safe out there; you don’t want to miss it!