Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
What Took You So Long, George Santos?
Well, the time has come to reflect upon the passing of another year. Doesn’t that sound fun? To relive every gem of Herschel Walkerian wisdom and Libs of TikTok bomb threat? Tár and Andor were pretty good, but my plan is to bang my head against the wall until I can’t remember who Mark Finchem is, and I’m willing to accept a fair amount of collateral damage.
Y’know, I was so worried about what would happen to the country if the creeps n’ freaks actually won power in the midterms, I didn’t have any spare headspace to contemplate the poo-flinging-howler-monkeys-performing-Ionesco wackiness of the Republican civil war that would follow if they didn’t, so these last few weeks’ve been surprisingly delightful. I have a favorite circular firing squad now, which I never expected. It has been a show, y’all.
For example, Mike Lindell turning his crazed attention toward Ron DeSantis? Glorious! Like watermelon Oreos, that was something I had no idea I even wanted until I’d devoured half the bag.
Plus, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are fighting. Feuding, even, WWF style. Like watching two shithouse rats go at it. Andy Biggs vs. MTG, too? What have I done to deserve such bounty? (A single tear of joy rolls down his cheek, somehow transforming at the end into a butterfly with radiant, crystalline wings.)
Shit, even Sean Hannity’s on the outs with the maniacal MAGA multitudes, for saying, of their holy, belovéd Big Lie, “I did not believe it for one second.” Gracious. I wouldn’t worry, bro, it’s not like there’s any sort of massive propaganda apparatus in this country, with a proven track record of inciting violence against enemies of the faithful. Hey, help me out, Sean, I forget sometimes, who signs your checks again?
Didja see Kevin McCarthy’s yapping little threat to his Republican colleagues in the Senate? You may’ve missed it, it was pretty hard to hear over the ball gag Marj makes him wear, but everyone was really impressed. Good luck in your big election next week, Kev; sure would be a shame if you fell victim to the very forces you’ve unleashed.
Congressdolt-elect George Santos, who is almost certainly going to turn out to be six marmots in a trench coat, is gonna fit right in, isn’t he? I don’t have space in this blog to keep up with all of Georgie’s “embellishments,” though I’ll grudgingly admit it was noble of him to save all those endangered whales from the Holocaust, but golly, how much do you have to suck to get frickin’ Tulsi shoving you out of the tent this hard? I mean, this is a pretty shitty tent we’re talkin’ about. It’s frankly a little weird you wanted in the tent in the first place.
Seems Nick Fuentes is inviting incels into the tent, because nothing screams “master race” quite like building your entire personality around being belligerently unfuckable. I mean, what’s one lie about your mom dying on 9/11 between incels? Pour yourself a glass of ivermectin and start writin’ laws, kiddo!
Viewed exclusively in terms of electability in a Republican primary, Mike Pence is like if Tim Pawlenty and Judas had a baby, but following politics in this day and age means consuming periodic masturbatory think pieces about his future in the party that tried to lynch him. It was Politico’s turn this week, but maybe we’ll get a real treat someday soon, and he’ll sit down with Chuck Todd to discuss Mother’s point of view on whether or not an encounter with Ashli Babbitt would’ve counted as being alone with another woman.
Meanwhile, Kari Lake’s Fair-to-Middling Lie shambles feebly on, attracting little attention, decisively losing in court here, inciting violence there, ho hum. Rapidly congealing conventional wisdom says she’s done, because “there’s no place for losers in Trumpworld,” as though MAGA culture was anything other than a resentment cult for losers.
Especially now, with the Diminished Dotard wallowing ineffectually in his own stink down in Marm-a-Lago, pretending to run for President, pushing the phantom Diet Coke button, watching Sunset Blvd. over and over, which is a little on the nose, if you ask me.
I see he’s now claiming to be “clairvoyant,” and I’m actually not willing to dismiss this one out of hand. Think about it, how else could he pass a cognitive test?
Well, the January 6th committee wrapped up their work, making criminal referrals for Off-Brand Orbán and several of his dipshittiest collaborators. I certainly hope a copy of their report survives to be excavated by the alien archaeologists studying whatever remains of our stupid, stupid society in the far-flung future, though they’ll likely assume it’s just some trashy airport novel, and not a particularly believable one. “All the old, predictable Terran clichés: the Chief of Staff burning docs in the office fireplace, the lawyers advising their clients to lie; but we’re supposed to believe there’d be time during an attempted autogolpe to pursue petty revenge against an usher? Don’t insult my intelligence, I have 2.5 brains.”
MAGA Nation truly embraced the spirit of Xmas this year, between the resurrection of their treasured migrant trafficking stunt, the homophobic vandalism of NYC Councilman Erik Bottcher’s home, and the how-did-this-not-open-an-actual-portal-to-Hell collision of Tucker Carlson and stochastic supernova Chaya Raichik. Because they’re all such good Christians, you see.
They saved their Jesusest behavior for the visiting Volodymyr Zelensky, of course, because there’s nothing a modern right-winger hates more than being reminded that their dreams of violent domination will forever be stifled by their inescapable inadequacy at all human endeavors that require any skill beyond deceiving the braindead.
“What?” you may be thinking to yourself, “How addicted to Putin’s bloody taintsweat do you have to be to take his side against a global hero on the front lines of the fight against tyranny?” Well, you’ll have to ask Tucker Carlson about that. Or Tulsi Gabbard. Or Don Junior. Or Glenn Greenwald. Yeah. Folks like that. The kind of stuff we filter out at the sewage treatment plant, or “pundits” as they say on the Right.
Incidentally, kids, Plucky Underdog Triumphing Over Massive Imperial Oppressor was always going to resonate with the American public; it’s the story we’ve told about ourselves since our founding, and it says a lot about not just your values but your common fucking sense that you’ve hitched your wagons to the Murderous Autocrat Wants Him Some More Serfs narrative instead.
Anyway, next time Zelenksy swings by for ice cream and Patriot missiles, he should wear his best tan suit.
Czar Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) is, of course, delighted to have so many useful idiots working on his behalf in America. I bet it’s almost as good as having an army that knows how to fight a war, though I suppose we’ll never know.
Don’t know how much longer that Musk fellow will remain useful, at the rate he’s burning through his billions. Dude was already skimping on shit like rent and janitorial services, and that was before he shared Putin lackey Dmitry Medvedev’s demented “predictions” thread on his $44 billion vanity platform, reminding investors he’s less Visionary Genius than Standoffish College Freshman Who Discovered Libertarianism Last Week and Thinks He’s John Galt Now.
I don’t want to move on from Russia without mentioning the “buckets of fecal water.” You know you’re a goshdang superpower when Lauren Boebert’s on your state teevee and the state of your domestic affairs necessitates discussion of…buckets. Of fecal water.
Thanks to Ben Shapiro, I now understand the centuries-old tropes of the murder mystery genre are a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet. Just about everything is a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet, really. Song lyrics. Shakespeare plays. Toy potatoes. Pretty effective conspiracy, too, I’d add.
You don’t have to fling yourself into a sputtering fury every time anything happens, you know. You’d be happier. I mean, life’s short. Would you really want to spend the last hours before your arrest for rape and human trafficking getting humiliated in front of the entire world by a 19-year-old girl?
For all the blithering fuckery, I think we’re ending 2022 on a pleasantly high note, and I’ve certainly enjoyed all the Holy Crud Is This Hope I’m Feeling? columns. I definitely feel safer knowing Barry Croft Jr. won’t be kidnapping any governors for the next 19 years or so.
Hopefully 2023 will see the conviction and incarceration of many more terrorists, weirdos, and terrorist weirdos. You stay safe out there, friends, because you deserve to see it.
PS: Definitely don’t want to be pushy about it, but we’ve expanded the Buy Cap a Beer a page, as some of you have been requesting. We’ve got PayPal and Venmo now, though of course I’m also always willing to replace any ungrateful children in your will.