Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Who Put the Fun in Non-Fungible Tokens?
It’s been said there’s a sucker born every minute, though scientists currently estimate that number may be as high as 4.39. The question is, after three years of guzzling horse dewormer, how many are still alive to buy NFTs?
Donald Trump is like some Dickensian avatar of chiseling for chiseling’s sake. And we made him President of the United States, where one of his big accomplishments was wringing piss money out of the Secret Service. I’ve said this before, but I guarantee you the pockets of every ill-fitting suit in the guy’s closet are stuffed with tiny fistfuls of restaurant mints.
But Jesus Christ, what do you even say about a con petty enough to make Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon feel cheap? Except that it WORKED, that the almost tauntingly shitty “digital trading cards” sold out within 24 hours?
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good polling-induced Dotard tantrum as much as the next fellow, but until Ron DeSantis has a legion of fevered drones he can bleed for millions of dollars whenever the fancy strikes him, they’re not in the same league, at least as far as the GOP’s cultified politics are concerned.
Of course, Ron-Ron managed to identify the one godforsaken patch of the wingnut fever swamp from which someone could potentially out-crazy/outflank Donald Trump with the maniac MAGA base, and guess where he’s decided to set up camp? Gonna win the primary by pandering to anti-vaxxers, what a fun, healthy strategy that is.
Wouldn’t want to interrupt your very serious postmortem of what historians are already calling the Inflation Sucks But Y’All Ain’t Right in the Head midterms, I’m sure Blake Masters’ insight is both thrilling and valuable, but maybe stop trying so hard to be the party of unhinged dipshits?
How are these lessons still so fucking unlearnable? How am I still reading shit like, “Rick Scott says Herschel Walker will continue to be a leader in our party for years to come?” Why would you want that? Why would you buy another ticket for the Herschel Walker ride? What about that experience are you so eager to repeat?
You’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene stumbling around, shrieking about butt plugs, defiantly spouting the sort of violent rhetoric that led to her censure, and you’re talking about putting her on House Oversight? To be the face of your party during all these televised hearings on Dr. Fauci and Hunter Biden’s pee-pee and furry kids using litter boxes in school?
How do y’all imagine that’s gonna work out for you? I think you’re overestimating the number of persuadable voters who spend their free time pacing the aisles of toy stores, muttering furiously about diversity trends in the American Girl doll line. Most of us don’t have the luxury of caring about such stupid, stupid shit.
But in conservative politics, the loudest asshole is King. Speaking of which…
The hardest part of writing about Elon Musk is the constant need to find fresh synonyms for “pathetic.” The man is on a cringe bender, hemorrhaging credibility and billions of dollars as he stomps his way down the well-worn path trod by every mewling MAGA mediocrity that just. won’t. shut. the. fuck. up.
There’s nothing in the world more tedious than a freshly blackpilled dude. That desperation to paper over personal failings with conspiracy theories and victimhood…nobody wants to go to that party, Elon. Nobody that doesn’t suck, anyway. “Groomer rhetoric and replacement-level shitposting, BYOB.” Ah jeez, as amusing as it’s been, watching you wiggle your ass for likes from the Q crowd, I’ve, uh, got a thing that night.
But congratulations on discovering pronoun jokes, kid. You’re right on the cutting edge. I bet you shout “Lerooooooy Jenkins” every time you have to sell another brick of Tesla stock. You’re the hippest cat in class, you only get booed when you appear in public because everybody’s jealous of how awesome you are.
I mean, who doesn’t love a really rank hypocrite? Self-Professed “Free Speech Absolutist” Deplatforms Journalists Who Cover Him, you say? Insufferable Twit Whines About Doxxing Days After Former Employee Flees Home From Twit-Sicced Mob? What a walking skidmark you are, Elon. Pay your bills, dickwad.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure smiting critics on the social media site you paid the full rube markup rate for provides a nice respite from failing in front of the whole fucking world, but it only feeds the loser doom loop you’re trapped in. Pro tip: people won’t stop laughing at you until you stop punching yourself in the groin.
I hope Mark Meadows’ phone winds up in the Smithsonian, y’know? I’m told that if you hold it in your hands, you can almost hear the institutions of democracy rotting. Personally, I think the writers are getting a little heavy-handed with the “Marshall Law” stuff and the NFTs and the vaccine quackery; like, ok you guys, they’re idiots, WE GET IT.
The Marshall Law guy is South Carolina Congressdolt Ralph Norman, who is also in the news this week as one of the five intractable turds floating in Kevin McCarthy’s breakfast cereal, (he’s only got a four-vote margin to work with, y’see) which is degoddamnlightful, if you ask me. Live by the insurrectionist weirdo, die by the insurrectionist weirdo, motherfucker.
I guess Brett Kavanaugh attended the creepiest of all possible Xmas parties, but don’t worry, he responsibly brought along his designated apologist, Susan Collins, to excuse/enable any drunken assaults that may have occurred.
Poor Kari Lake. Bet everything on the Big Lie just before the market crashed. Thought she was gonna be Vice President, now she’s just trying to elbow out a halfway decent spot for a t-shirt table on the convention circuit, something close to Diamond and Silk, you don’t want to wind up in the corner with Laura Loomer, believe me.
I trust you’re still enjoying the steady grind of the gears of justice in the background. The Consequences Fairy was extra busy this week, visiting Capitol rioters and Whitmer kidnap plotters and even Rudy Giuliani, and there’s still the January 6th committee’s criminal referral vote to look forward to yet.
Well, that’s about all I can take for one week. Two weeks, actually, NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, as I’ll be traveling for the holidays. You stay safe out there, and please do your damndest to squeeze a little cheer out of these demented times.