- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
On the Bright Side, I Just Saved a Bunch of Money on My Car Insurance
First of all: fuck.
To clarify: FUCK!
Fuckity fucking fuck.
That said, in the interest of balance, on the other hand:
And to those who would counter, “MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK,” I say…fair enough. I see where you’re coming from. MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK indeed. Perhaps even HOLY CARCINOGENIC BALLS OF LIGHT-DEVOURING FUCK.
The fuck, America? You chose…poorly.
Abstractly, I get why somebody might vote for a violent autocratic movement over the price of eggs. Personally, I prefer to live in a society, but I do get it. I would probably check first, to see if said violent autocratic movement actually had a viable plan to bring down the price of eggs, but then, I am a libtard.
Anyway, I’ve been having a grand old time, pinballing between all the same fun, fun emotions you’ve been feeling. The “I guess America is basically evil now” despair, the banging-my-head-on-my-desk-till-it-splinters outrage that lying works so goddamn well, and of course, that burst of “if this is what voters want, they deserve what they get” spite, complete with practicing the smug look I’ll shoot at the bewildered Trump voters as they enter the reeducation camp six months behind me. (Ideally, you want one that’ll still convey the intended level of disdain once your teeth’ve rotted out.)
Most of all, the shaking-my-head-so-hard-my-jowls-ripple-with-measurable-frequency disbelief that anyone anywhere could possibly still believe this visibly decomposing con man is some sort of business genius, who could fix anything, even if he possessed the slightest interest in doing so. Which he doesn’t.
(I don’t actually have jowls, for the record. Though if I keep drinking at the rate I have been this week…)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me after crashing the economy and causing tens of thousands of senseless Covid deaths, to say nothing of the rapes and felony convictions and staffers calling him a fascist and so on, ad infinitum, well, shame is the least of our worries, although that time traveler I met at Denny’s last year did say something about all the 21st century American history texts coming in pop-up book form.
All in all, a fairly crappy Tuesday, even as Tuesdays go. Always been a lousy TV night, frankly, but I confess I found the season finale of American Democracy particularly dissatisfying. Certainly disappointed the Jack Smith subplot won’t play out. The Russian bomb threats targeting minority precincts were a clever detail, though; my compliments.
And the trailers for next season look awful. So many of my least favorite characters returning in prominent roles. Not excited for this “vengeful narcissist can prosecute anybody he wants” angle, or the economy-wrecking tariffs they’re teasing, and I don’t care for the elevation of this “Elon” fellow, because how many idiot racist billionaires do really you need? Sometimes less is more.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Beyond that, most of the political news this week involved sifting through the wreckage for explanations, and it turns out it’s pretty difficult to write jokes about early post-mortem hypothesizing.
“How many points rightward does the electorate have to shift to screw in a dictatorship? THREE TO FIVE, APPARENTLY, BUT WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR MORE DATA…is this thing on?”
See?
Anyway.
I’d already been planning to take a break after the election, and, uh…yeah, I’m gonna do that. I’m fuckin’ exhausted, y’all.
The actual writing of this blog is a hefty enough workload, but the necessary research involved (incessant doomscrolling, essentially) keeps the MAGA rage/hate/shit/poison cocktail at a constant simmer inside my poor, battered cranium, more or less around the clock. Which doesn’t leave a lot of room for other work.
As you may’ve noticed, it’s been a long-ass time since I made a comic book! So long, I’m embarrassed to say how long.
I’ve been wrestling with this story for…shit, I was worried it would no longer be relevant by the time I actually got the fucking thing made, but thanks to the unteachable American electorate, I guess I’ve got a whole new window.
You folks’ll love it, assuming I ever get it done. (It’s turning into my own, personal Megalopolis, only hopefully not, y’know…shitty.) Won’t burden you with the details, but over the last few months, there have been…let’s say, “setbacks.”
Previous blog hiatuses have proven productive, so I’m gonna step away for a bit, to focus my energies on dragging this little bastard across the finish line, yes, but most of all, to rest up for the fights to come. Feels like the perfect time to unplug, honestly; skip the gloating and the dread, drink some beers, take some walks, drink some more beers, fill any and all available receptacles with fluoridated water before RFK Jr. floods my pipes with whale juice, and then drink any beers that may have evaded my attention, however improbably.
How long a hiatus? At least through Thanksgiving, probably the end of the year. Maybe I’ll pop up for a sporadic update here n’ there. I’ve dug my little trench on the sidelines of our circular firing squad on social media, so I’ll probably half-heartedly lob a water balloon from time to time. You can follow @john_luzar, but if you see me posting too much, feel free to chastise me.
Ok. Resistance mode it is, then. You know that world-weary Krusty the Clown sigh? That’s the sound I made after I typed, “Ok. Resistance mode it is, then.”
But even in these dark times, we mustn’t lose sight of the wonder life has to offer us. For instance, imagine the childlike delight of those North Korean troops, experiencing their brief, consciousness-expanding immersion in western internet pornography, right as they’re fed into Putin’s meatgrinder. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Ok, friends, I’ll see you in a bit. Forgive me for rattling the ol’ tip jar (Now accepting PayPal, Venmo AND Cash App) a little harder tonight, because as mentioned elsewhere, I will certainly not be taking a hiatus from beer. Far from it.
Stay safe out there. Take care of yourselves. Above all else, do not, under any circumstances, allow the bastards to grind you down.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Here’s a post-election riddle for y’all:
Q. What borders on stupidity?
A. Canada and Mexico.
Fuckity fucking fuck, indeed.
Will miss you Cap. But your break is both much deserved and well understood. See you in the flip side. 🍻
Dear Cap – My deepest thanks for giving us one more of your blogs at this terrible, awful, no-good time, before you take some well-deserved time off. This has been horribly painful, to say the least. I am deeply disappointed in this country and my fellow citizens. It hurts. Your words, as usual, provide hope and comfort. Take as much time as you need. We all have to take care of ourselves to be ready for the fight ahead. I will send a donation to your beer fund – I know I’ll be having more than usual myself.
I’ll miss you, Cap. But I was all but suicidal Tuesday night and 3 days later can’t seem to shake the idea that it actually is a rather attractive alternative to living in the 4th Reich. I do want you to know though how much you are appreciated, how much I love your sarcastic view of our fucked up world. Kudos to you, my friend, for your weekly bon mots. Have a thousand beers on me, I’m working on the first 3 dozen of my own thousands. Thanks again, and my all your beers be free….
Hey there Cap…I wish you would finally get to the point and flat out say what you think about things. And more to the point, I wish you would get to the point and flat out say what “I” think about things.
Fuck.
I think the idea of a break is a good thing. As was pointed out to me a bit ago, playing in the same sandbox with someone with the kind of rage and hatred that the would be king has, means that kind of hatred and rage begins to have a grip inside us. We have to stop to begin to feel normal again. So take at least the end of the year, enjoy some fine beer, work on what is your passion, and enjoy family and friends. The resistance is forming and we shall rise. We are not done yet.
Cap, I’ve been at this nonstop for three years (not writing genius political humor, but organizing and registering). Any of us who have had our heads in the apple barrel for that long MUST STOP. We have to. If we don’t come up for air, we will all die of despair and aspiration pneumonia.
Not only the doomscroll for me, but I have also been “meeting voters where they are”. I DO NOT recommend this. Because I’ve been doing it, however, I have acquired such an intractable case of misanthrope that I was not shocked on Tuesday.
We are too misogynistic to elect a woman, let alone one that also pings the racism.
My greatest fear was that we would accidentally run into autocracy, like tripping down a hidden staircase in the dark.
That didn’t happen. We ran for it, gleefully, with open arms.
Thank you for doing this. It has truly helped me hang on to my sanity. I look forward to seeing you back.
Yeah; she had only a 200-day window (truth to tell, Joe was doing fairly okay until that one disastrous debate [and he’s the freaking President {STILL; lots of folks forget that…}! You’d think he could’ve re-scheduled!], where NO ONE gave him a break for having COVID and a speech impediment [and Clooney can still burn and rot in Hell; I’m never forgiving him]; I don’t think he would’ve thought about stepping down from the race any time before that, he was too busy, y’know, HELPING US), but she couldn’t fight against the collective “EWWW! Icky GURRRLLL!” vibes from the junior high school boys (and girls?! what the fucking fuck, ladies?!) who apparently vote in this country. X-P
Had my fingers crossed for her, but since we weren’t mature enough to vote for a gurrlll the last time, like just about every other First World country on the planet has done by now, I’m not totally surprised.
(And I blush to admit that while I’d be sending thoughts and prayers along for those folks with a much bigger anti-Trump presence than little me, it wasn’t that long ago Himself said he’d go after anyone who opposed him, including donors, so now I’m screwed, too.)
Yeah, we are leaving. One of the organizations I worked for is on the top of his list.
We had plans we hoped we wouldn’t have to execute, but now we do. No idea if we can pull off our second and third choices (#1 is out), and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting us.
Thanks for all your uplifting commentary! Please take care of yourself.
Rest up Cap. We’re gonna need ya.
Ditto
Thank you for that last sentence, Cap: God knows we need it. We can also sing/pray the words, in a much-neglected verse of the English National Anthem: “Confound their politics, frustrate their knavish tricks…” I can’t believe you made me laugh in this most wretched of all wretched weeks in the last 4 years, but you did. We may all end up in political concentration camp, but with you there along with us, we’ll at least die laughing. You deserve a long break to lick your wounds (please lick our communal wounds along with yours) but please return to resume the fight to keep up laughing through the horror and insanity. We need you!
Thank you for keeping us sane. Have a well-deserved break. I’m disgusted beyond belief at the hate-filled morons we share the planet with, but not surprised.
Yeah, I’m still numb, too. But thanks for the effort to lift our spirits, SC.
You take good care of yourself. We will need you in the fight to come. Be well!
Thank you, Cap. I really appreciate your efforts and the humor that has helped us get through.
I’m glad you’re taking a break. I hope you get to disconnect from the madness, relax, clear your mind, and let your emotions recover!
Enjoy the break! We’ll be here when you get back. ❤️
Oh, and if any of y’all need vaccines, better get those before Jan. 20 as well, though Himself is apparently backpedalling on his promises to such a lunatic as RFK Jr. Silver lining. X-P
Rest easy for a while. And then come back and fight some more. Thanks and good luck.
Best wishes to you, Cap. I do look forward to your return whenever that happens. Swearing is also my instinctive reaction to Tuesday’s nightmare. I’m pissed. I will never understand why so many people are so eager to feed from the trump/Republican trough of filth and slime.
thanks Cap’n … after several days of, at best, a few rueful chuckles, you deliver a few actual guffaws – as usual ! . . . like you, i’m taking a media break, playing CDs i usta’ play a lot, starting w/ Miles ‘Kind of Blue’ , a few beers, some smoke … IYKYK . . . . se ya’ next time, pal . . .
My Captain,
It was my dream that we would all be drinking a beer and laughing about now, reminiscing on what a shitshow this 9 years has been and how good it felt to be over it. This week I’ve considered moving to Canada (cold), Mexico (VERY tempting) and Europe (nope), I’ve thought about suicide, pondered how grateful I am for being closer to the grave than the cradle (by a loooong ways) and considered becoming a rage-filled lunatic gun-totes myself. All attractive alternatives to what will certainly be the crappiest four years of my life, but each impractical, unattainable or pointless.
Then I had an idea…I’m gonna just check out for awhile, smoke some hi-grade and ponder how we all ended up in Dumbfuckistan.
Enjoy your hiatus, have a good cry, rage a bit and come back when you feel well enough. Meanwhile, keep this thought in mind…if they do manage to put us into reeducation camps as I’m sure Donny’s delight Junior is planning at least we can keep each other company.
Love ya buddy, you’ve been a good and true companion these last seemingly endless days, and I will keep a weather eye out for your return.
To you, me and every one who is a part of Showercap Crew, never submit, never surrender, keep the faith!
P.S. I’ll hit the beer fund on next payday, ActBlue has me tapped!
Jimmy you are awesome yourself! Sound a lot like me in my situation; closer to the end, but unable to move (I’m on O2 too), ActBlue has me tapped lol, all of it. Well, we know we are all folks of discerning taste! Best to you-
I don’t know how you’ve managed to stay sane wading through the shit you’ve had to endure to keep tabs on these pigs. Internet searches for “How to Move to Canada” have gone up 5000% (I kid you not) since November 5, but alas, I’m too old to get out of what now will actually become a trash can of a country. I guess I’m going to have to stay and fight. I’m an old woman, and they should know by now not to fuck with old women. Enjoy your break, drink many beers, and then come back and join the Resistance. But stay safe–I’m not sure, but I suspect they’ll think a crazy writer in a cape and luchador mask is some kind of threat. ASSHOLES!!!
Oh Cap… Take care of yourself first. As has been noted, we are going to need you down the road. I hope Canada doesn’t go down the same road but the portents are not good…. That being said, y’all are welcome up here. We could use more first class people up here. And I have a space in my trailer down by the river.
Thank you, Cap. I’m still in shock but was able to get a chuckle or 2 from this. I can’t think of anything productive to say except take all the time you need. Your work has been vital in keeping me sane but those days are over. It’s hard to believe what has happened to my country…Thanks also to all the other commenters. Feels like your my only friends right now…America, you know not what you’ve done. Yet.
After 3 days of rage, grief, anger, and intermittent crying jags I’ve finally found a spot where I can function = partially at least = during the day. My initial reaction was how is it possible for so many people to hate our country so thoroughly, then it musing at just how effective the GOP war on public education has been and dumbing down our populace so that they are incapable for thinking for themselves. I realize that some people just have to learn by experience like when your mother tells you not to touch the stove because it’s hot and you just have to stick your hand on it and end up in the ER before you learn – sadly sometimes it takes more than 1 trip to the ER to actually learn. It is heartwrenching to think about all of the women who will end up being violently raped and get pregnant only to end up dying in a hospital parking lot from complications because, unlike the stove lesson, there will be no trip to the ER to fix it. I will never get over the fact that some women voted for the felon because he was not going to ban abortions. My plan is to not watch MSM news for the next 4 years at least, hoping against hope that there will actually be another election to rid ourselves of this freak. I’m afraid that things are going to get much, much worse before they will ever get better. Usually one of the first things a fascist regime does is take away weapons from the people so they can’t overthrow the government so maybe the RW screeching howler monkeys will finally get that civil war they so long for. Take care of yourself on your hiatus and mentally prepare for what is to come because unfortunately we are still only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Thanks my Captain, rest, recover and prepare for the battle ahead, we up in the Great White North are also waging a battle with forces on the Right. Looking forward to your comic and your return, stay safe My Captain till we mind meld again.
As dark as it is, your post made me laugh as always. Take off all the time you need. You plow through the sea of insanity so we don’t have to.
Dear Cap,
My diary entries for Nov. 5 :America Elects Fascist Dictator and Nov. 6: FUCK
Worked 16 hours at the polls Tuesday, to wake to the news Wednesday morning, which felt like seeing second plan fly into the World Trade Center on September 11.
SO glad you are taking a break. You are far too precious to lose to the darkness that 73M dolts (and 103M who didn’t vote) have plunged our former democracy into. So are all the commenters here. I am grateful for the community. Thank you.
Cap, I trust you will allow yourself all the time you need. You may need to pivot entirely and not return.
I don’t know what I’m going to do as I’m still a devastated wreck. However, as a tough old broad, I will fight.
Love you Cap! Love you all here!
P.S. Taking my own advice, will never look at or listen to the Demented Dotard ever again.
We can still do this all day, Cap! Back to the marathon.
My AARP mag arrived today with a big picture of the turgid shitstain on the cover. Unfortunately a sharpie pen was not out of my reach…and now the photos (& smaller ones inside) are unrecognizably “sharpied”.
We will miss you Cap – take care. Drink just the precise amount of beer…not too much…but enough. I don’t drink (Dad was a beeraholic) but I’ve hunkered down and consumed favorite novels at the rate of about 2 per day for the last week. My childless cat lady yard flag has been gently retired and stored, but my ire lives on!
Read a Buzzfeed post today about a lady who is going to focus on starving T’s economy aspirations. Yes, we all know he will lie about it anyway. She will avoid big box stores that donated to T, shop thrift and small local and hopefully blue single proprietor shops, and avoid buying anything really expensive for the next 4 years. She has inspired me to attempt the same.
My favorite election conspiracy theory involves DeJoy being surgically precise in identifying bins of completed mailed ballots from heavily blue areas to “misplace” or mutilate so they aren’t able to be received and/or counted in a timely manner. He had four years to work out the kinks as he diligently worked to centralize and decimate USPS. And geee he’s nationwide in his reach! Maybe that’s why T is winning the popular vote?
Cappy, you are a wonder. I honestly expected to find a brief note saying you “were done, bye.” You have been amazing and helped to keep my spirits up and for that I say, ‘thank you.’ Take care of yourself in whatever way you need. And thanks for the fucking, fuckety, fuck, fuck. Somehow I feel better just saying it.
PS: Good luck with the comic book. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 2.
I’m going to miss your inimitable take on this godforsaken circus, Cap. I know I’ve stiffed you in the beer department but come by anytime you’re in Manhattan and pick out a small but presumptuous painting.
We’ll sorely miss you, Cap, and we count on your coming back strong and rested for the resistance to come!
Well Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas and, if needed, Happy New Year to you! I also agree with all the fuckety fuck shit too. Or is it disagree? Whatever the fuck it is! You know what I mean!
And on Thursday morning as I was driving home, an aged fRumper–decked in his MAGA hat, red vest, buttons and pins glittering malevolently–chest thrust out, pompous, sneering, stalked down the center of my street where blue Harris signs still stood silent in desolation. Oh Shower Cap, oh friends, we are in for a most trying time. I’m laying in a considerable stash of IPA and red wine, buying tin foil in bulk from Costco–maybe toilet paper too–and hoping to ride out the tempest with some of my tattered sanity intact. Meanwhile I’ll dump some contributions in the Tip Jar and wish all of us the time to recharge and come back at it all the stronger for surviving the storm. Oh, and for anyone who remembers, here’s the end of W.B. Yeat’s 1919 “The Second Coming”:
“Surely some revelation is at hand; Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”
I am considering burying my Harris/Walz hat and all my other paraphernalia in the back yard. After all, that stuff could be pretty damning evidence if the fucking Gestapo catch up to me.
Upsides and downsides to this fiasco for this Australian hiding out down-under; obviously, the fact that drumpf, boebert and cruz were all elected proves that half the population of the USA is insane.
Another downside – my consumption of Scotch has increased so much I’ve had to change from my usual expensive single malts from Islay to common-or-garden blended muck like Chivas (never could I get so bad that I’d drink Johnny Walker) to prevent bankruptcy.
Upsides – I’ll be able sneer at drumpf-worshippers as their fat god drives the country into third-world, religious theocracy where female deaths from pregnancy issues reach the thousands and school are ordered to begin the rehabilitation of Hitler and Naziism in their curricula, while the cost of living soars under drumpf’s tariffs.
Second upside – I’m 83 and most unlikely to see the full horrors that are coming in the next few years before the nation collapses in plague, invasion by sundry alien forces. For that small mercy, I’m grateful.
Dear Cap, we love you. Rest and take your time. The biggest joke to me is that Nature will be batting last, as always; she is stretching out in the dugout, rubbing rosin on her hands–and global warming WILL continue to batter Trumpistan until even MTG has to admit that, by golly, it isn’t the Democratic weather machine making monster hurricanes run inland to Kentucky–God is punishing the Ol’ South for its centuries of sin. Aided by (at least) four more years of rollin’ coal by people who never knew what a “tariff” meant, eventually the equatorial climes will get so dang hot that climate migrants will be crawling polewards, north and south, and Heaven help the human race as that disruption plays out. Oh yeah, then there’s the mid-Atlantic ocean current that might shut down as Greenland melts, bringing a new ice age to northern Europe and possibly our continent as well. Hope the Trumpsters–and most especially the sociopaths running the right-wing media lie-o-sphere — store up a lot of cheap eggs to make it through THAT. Because their boy is gonna bring it down on us just that much faster, drilling baby drilling while axing sissy liberal programs like domestic solar and wind power. Because, by God, we owe the autocrats of the Middle East our blood and treasure, as long as their Texas oil buddies get part of the profits. And as high as an elongated muskrat can jump at a MAGAt rally, he will never save the human race by planting a few lonely souls on Mars, which seems to have been his main reason for spending millions to elect the least-competent human being available to the most-consequent office on Earth, throwing the Ukrainians to the wolves and maybe Europe after it. See you on the flip side, Cap. Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish.
Yeah, Cap, pretty much what you said.
I’ve spent the evening reminding people that, once every generation, we’re called to defend the Light from the Darkness.
It’s our turn.
Rest, you’ve done good work, Shower Cap, and you deserve it. This new existence might be a treasure trove of inspiration for your next story, and you’ll come back to the resistance when it’s time.
Stay safe, and be careful what you post, and what you say over the internet or your cell phone.
Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin are about to get access to the NSA, and things on planet Earth are about to get–interesting. . .
Blessed be, brother.
Henry D. Rinehart
Rest well, Cap. Think I’ll do the same.
Hard to believe that lying, fat, addled fuck is going for another 4 years; I recall counting the days till his departure from his first demented term. May he drop dead sooner rather than later and I will wish that on him daily; only thing is that his VP is really, really problematic and much younger.
It was horrific that the first assassination attempt failed and now we are doomed.
I pray the Democrats take the House, the only chance we now have.
Have a much–earned break, Cap…you deserve it. I still cannot express all the fuckety-fuck in my head and in my heart.