Well, having arrived at the “Jimmy Comer is hiding under the bed from Steve Doocy because he can’t take the heat on Fox n’ Fiendz” stage of the shampeachment charade, House Republicans figured the time was ripe to link arms and follow Kentucky’s kookiest kakistocrat off the kliff. Er, “cliff,” rather.

Yes, even Ken Buck, author of such brave n’ principled op-eds as “My fellow Republicans: One disgraceful impeachment doesn’t deserve another,” and “When I said an election denier shouldn’t be Speaker of the House, obviously that only applied to election deniers who don’t wear jackets. And used to coach wrestling. And bellow indignantly about other folks’ subpoenas after defying their own.”

And sure, Chuck Grassley admits there’s “no evidence” of wrongdoing on President Biden’s part, but that hardly matters, since the House majority feels no particular obligation to name the alleged crimes they’re investigating. Anyway, as Troy Nehls reminds us, a Republican Congressman is first and foremost a low-level Trump campaign staffer, and that organization is not exactly world-renowned for its exacting standards.

Shoot, they’ll draft any defective dumbass disposed to defend a declining dotard’s dreams of dictatorship. Even so, when it comes autocrat ass-kissing, you have to get up pretty early to beat JD Vance to the front of the line.

Dissent remains verboten, of course. Ohio Republicans fear their preferred candidate in the crucial 9th congressional district, Craig Riedel, can no longer win his primary against pudding-brained valor thief J.R. Majewski, who famously painted a racist game show host on his lawn, now that voters know Craig once referred to said game show host as “arrogant.” It’s totally not a cult, though.

Incidentally, it’s delightful to see Jack Smith so prepared for Off-Brand Orbán’s bullshit legal stall tactics. Had allllllll the paperwork for that expedited presidential immunity appeal ready t’go, didn’t he? “Oh, um, actually, we were hoping you‘d give our extremely serious, totally vindicating appeal a real thorough going-over before exonerating our client. Take all the time you need. Till, say, next November?”

Iowa Republicans scrambled to begin construction of a wall along the state’s southern border, desperate to stave off the caravan of book-burning Florida retirees that launched at the invitation of one Casey DeSantis, who correctly surmised her husband can only hope to prevail in next month’s caucuses if there’s nobody at the door checking IDs.

In clear violation of the constitutional prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment, CNN hosted a town hall with shrieking fascist dorkwad Vivek Ramaswamy, likely as a mad science experiment designed to observe the effects of the batshittiest January 6th conspiracy theories when delivered by the most irritating man alive.

Ramaswamy’s been palling around Iowa with Steve “Too Racist for the Trump-Era GOP” King, by the way, and I certainly advise all Haley precinct captains to update their rabies vaccine before approaching any hissing Vivek unviables on caucus night.

It’s hard to believe that before Donald Trump came along, a sex scandal involving a credible rape allegation was enough to end one’s career in Republican politics; nowadays, young MAGA apparatchiks understand YOU GOT TO MONETIZE THAT SHIT. And I know that $2 million sounds like a lot to make the Florida GOP’s Christian Ziegler problem go away, but remember, it’s gotta be split three ways ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

In the waning days of the Fall of the Turd Reich, seems a binder filled with “highly classified information related to Russian election interference” went missing, smuggled, perhaps, out of the White House up Mark Meadows’ cavernous ass, alongside Kim Jong-un’s love notes and Donnie One-Term’s favorite Churchill bust.

(While we’re on the subject, somebody probably better frisk our ol’ pal Willard on his way out of the Senate, lest we lose track of those binders full o’ women.)

This holiday season, launch a surprise counteroffensive in the War on Xmas with the Mugshot Suit Trading Card! For just four thousand, six hundred American dollars, you can own a tiny chunk of the ill-fitting, ketchup-spattered suit Tangerine Idi Amin wore to his arrest at the Fulton County Jail, the perfect gift for any MAGA rube in your life who somehow hasn’t yet overdosed on ivermectin.

Paul Ryan derided Fat Q*bert as “an authoritarian narcissist” and “not a conservative” who “couldn’t even steal health care from millions of Americans with control of both houses of Congress” who Ryan “will of course vote for in 2024” because “what do you expect from me, courage? Principles? I’m Paul freakin’ Ryan for pity’s sake!”

Rudy Giuliani stepped up lobbying efforts to bring his character back in any forthcoming Borat sequels, now that his $148 million defamation bill finally arrived in the mail. Hey, if that doesn’t work out, I hear Four Seasons Total Landscaping is hiring.

Hmmm…Ted Cruz seems curiously reticent to claim credit for the world he worked so hard to build, where his constituents have to flee their home state to exercise their fundamental human rights, wonder what that’s about?

All of Elon Musk’s troubles’re over, now that he’s not only restored Alex Jones’ Xwitter account, but appointed him head of quality control at Tesla. They’ve recalled nearly two million cars to install a new and improved autopilot feature, which neatly deposits you right on the doorstep of the nearest grieving Sandy Hook family, leaving you free to rehearse your diatribe about false flags and crisis actors!

I beg your forgiveness if the tear streaks rendered this week’s blog difficult to read; like so many of you, I was simply overwhelmed by the exquisite contrition expressed in the apology notes composed by confessed seditionists Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro. If I may be so bold, allow me to suggest that appointing Powell poet laureate could be precisely the sort of unifying gesture needed to heal this divided nation’s broken soul.

Ok, folks, I think we’ve all earned a holiday break. Heads up, there will be NO BLOG next week, but if you want to leave beer n’ cookies out for Santa Cap, you can donate at this link, now accepting PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App! Or you can support th’madness for free, by signing up on the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known As Twitter.

Oh, and if you see somebody drunkenly stumbling through your neighborhood, wailing “HE’S WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE,” don’t worry, that’s just Megyn Kelly, the van’ll be by in a minute to pick her up.