
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Keville Chamberlain’s Last Surrender
I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line at the grocery store trying to use expired coupons.
On the other hand, I suspect supreme executive power may bear more than a passing resemblance to Lay’s famous potato chips, so perhaps a teensy-weensy bit of despotism may spill over into the Wednesday after the inauguration, if only to give Kash Patel and JD Vance sufficient time to round up all the journalists they hope to jail.
Yes, the gag order’ll be on the other foot (mouth?) should Off-Brand Orbán return to the Oval, and so his cut-rate, strip mall attorneys tirelessly pursue stall tactics designed to delay his many trials until after the election, (in fairness, proving their client’s innocence isn’t really on the table) when Attorney General Jeffrey Clark puts an end to that “rule of law” silliness once and for all.
Well, the curtain finally fell on the community theatre adaption of Faust For Dummies that was Kevin McCarthy’s career in electoral politics. I found it surprisingly difficult to sum up his legacy for this post…perhaps such words can only be smeared, in feces and clown makeup, on the walls of some tacky golf resort men’s room. One of the very worst Americans of all time.
Kev’s successor, Bartonite mediocrity Mike Johnson, proclaimed himself MAGA Moses, because apparently, the showrunners figured a lil’ messianic delusion might spice up the otherwise stodgy presidential line of succession. And while some may balk at Speaker Mike’s hubristic sacrilege, the truly devout can no doubt recite Exodus 69:17-23 by heart:
So the Lord said to Moses, “When thou dost release thy security footage unto thy friendly media outlets, blur thou thy people’s faces, that they might escape accountability for assaulting police officers on behalf of thy most holy Game Show Host.”
George Santos didn’t waste any time, did he? Little shit must’ve been setting up that Cameo account during his expulsion vote, no doubt reasoning the government won’t be able to repossess any assets he successfully converts to Botox injections before the cops show up. John Fetterman happily launched this uncharacteristically legitimate phase of his former colleague’s career, recruiting Santos to troll Democrats’ own cartoonishly corrupt embarrassment.
(Should Bob Menendez wish to engage George for a clapback, I’m sure he’s more than willing to accept payment in illicitly obtained precious metals.)
I’ll gently suggest that the after-the-buzzer extension of Republican primary debate season lends credence to the once derided theory that we live in actual Hell. Judging by the brief resurgence of social media posts about Vivek Ramaswamy’s burst-hemorrhoid-like personality, they must’ve held another one this week. Why? I could not hope to tell you.
Viewership was way down, likely owing to the absence of Doug Burgum’s smoldering star power, or perhaps because Which of These Asshats Concedes Last? isn’t a particularly compelling question. Incidentally, you might want to check your junk folder, you may’ve been appointed chair of Ron DeSantis’ super PAC without even knowing it.
I know this’ll sound hard to believe, but apparently, preening congressional weathervane Nancy Mace runs something of a “toxic work environment.” I find myself torn between my instinctual libtard impulse to defend labor rights, and my equally fervent belief that any obstacle to the work conducted in House Republican offices ought to be encouraged as a matter of principle. Still, rise up, comrades, and seize the means of (popcorn) production!
Well, the U.S. military finally emerged victorious from the longest, most irritating battle of its 250-year history, as the commander of Fort Tuberville surrendered at long last, releasing his pigheaded holds on promotions, except for a handful he insists on maintaining for pure spite. Hopefully now we can get back to ignoring America’s dumbest Senator, at least until the next time he defends white nationalists, or joins a coup attempt.
The Comeuppance Fairy visited Wisconsin and Nevada this week, bearing legal consequences and burlap underwear for the very, very naughty fake elector children who plotted the overthrow of American democracy. GOOD.
Now, your average, run-of-the-mill, patriarchal police state would call it a day after forcing a woman to submit to the Kafkaesque nightmare of begging the courts for the brief window of bodily autonomy required to terminate a non-viable pregnancy that threatens her health and fertility, but in Ken Paxton’s Texas, they go the extra mile, threatening with prosecution any doctors or hospitals thinking about actually granting the woman her basic human rights.
Meanwhile, the Texas GOP’s Executive Committee removed a clause reading “the Republican Party of Texas have no association whatsoever with any individual or organization that is known to espouse anti-Semitism, pro-Nazi sympathies, or Holocaust denial” from an otherwise unanimously-passed resolution, because hey, there’s no need to antagonize the base.
For too many years, the scourge of communist garlic has plagued our great nation, indoctrinating our children one Olive Garden breadstick at a time, until one brave Medicare fraudster stood up and said NO MORE! God bless you, Rick Scott, for fighting the fights that matter most.
Elsewhere in Florida, it’s delightful to see the Zieglers refusing to go quietly in the wake of their hyper-hypocritical sex scandal/rape investigation. Christian contends it’s unfair to punish them while maintaining total, unquestioning fealty to a guy who’s been found legally liable for sexual assault, and, well, it’s pretty fuckin’ hard to argue otherwise, isn’t it?
International crime lord Joseph Robinette Biden Jr’s weaponized Department of Justice indicted Hunter Biden on nine new tax-related charges, as part of an elaborate scheme to use the 2018 repayment of a $4,000 truck loan to make House Oversight Chairdork James Comer look like a gibbering fuckwit in 2023.
…all while delivering yet another absolute banger of a jobs report, incidentally. BRANDONOMICS, BAY-BEE!
Anyone looking to further stimulate America’s booming economy can do so at this link; and don’t worry, I promise to spend all donations on beer. You can also support the blog by joining the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Either way, you stay safe out there, chum…
Liz Cheney summarized it brutally when queried about Kevin vs Mike:”Mike’s smarter.”
Was a very interesting interview on Maddow re Cheney. Wld I vote for her? Hell I’m switching party affiliations in NC so I can vote for GrOPER Haley come Super Tuesday. The NC GrOPer party can bar the independents from voting GOP so given their gerrymandering I figure they will do so in order to land Trump.
Then flip back to Dem . Trojan Horse tactics. I’ve got friends in GA who do this picking thru the Republican scraps to find the least toxic.
Trump’s a juggernaut who MUST b obliterated.
Thx 4 yr post, Cap’n.
Thinking about doing the same thing Marsha! Wonder how many I’s and D’Souza are thinking about it too?
Sorry! I’s and D’s, not Sousas!
holy carp, another NCinian thinking about it here too! LMAO!
While trump was paying his “expert witness” 1350.00 an hour, for a total of 900,000.00, Comer is trying to make the case that Biden is corrupt because his son paid him back 1300.00 a month for three months, for a total of 4,100.00, thereby making Joe Biden the head of a vast conspiracy and influence pedalling crime family.
The stupid just writes itself…
Had a long and bad day today, but you just made me laugh my ass off, especially with Faust for Dummies. Thank you and please keep up the wonderful work.
Question: Why doesn’t “Trump’s Little Johnson” have a space in the rogues’ gallery? Hasn’t he earned it?
Just wondering.
Thanks, Cap. I was feeling burnt-out and exhausted today, but as usual, you made it better. Your humor hits the bull’s-eye every week.
Thanks for the laughs, Cap!
Have a great weekend!
Great as usual Cap! You have many fans here in the Great White North of Canada . Cheers
Always a pleasure, and you manage to mitigate the worst RepubliKKKan bile. 🍺
Exodus 69- 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m still laughing
Thank you, Cap! Humor may yet save us from these cowardly fascist losers-laugh in their faces and call out their lies, I say!
You’ve done that for a while and it takes a toll, doesn’t it?
Our collective mental health is suffering too.
Ridicule is a powerful weapon against ignorance, as are science and reason, but here we are with a Dominionist dimwit 2 heartbeats from the Oval anyway.
So we seem to be up against willful ignorance, some of it squatting in power over us already.
Speaking of insanity, how about a summary of COP28 next Friday, Cap? We truly are the stupidest species on the planet.
Hey Cap! Let us know if you are migrating to Threads sometime soon! Every day Thin-Skinned Pecker Elmo gives more and more people a last-straw reason to ditch their X account.