I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line at the grocery store trying to use expired coupons.

On the other hand, I suspect supreme executive power may bear more than a passing resemblance to Lay’s famous potato chips, so perhaps a teensy-weensy bit of despotism may spill over into the Wednesday after the inauguration, if only to give Kash Patel and JD Vance sufficient time to round up all the journalists they hope to jail.

Yes, the gag order’ll be on the other foot (mouth?) should Off-Brand Orbán return to the Oval, and so his cut-rate, strip mall attorneys tirelessly pursue stall tactics designed to delay his many trials until after the election, (in fairness, proving their client’s innocence isn’t really on the table) when Attorney General Jeffrey Clark puts an end to that “rule of law” silliness once and for all.

Well, the curtain finally fell on the community theatre adaption of Faust For Dummies that was Kevin McCarthy’s career in electoral politics. I found it surprisingly difficult to sum up his legacy for this post…perhaps such words can only be smeared, in feces and clown makeup, on the walls of some tacky golf resort men’s room. One of the very worst Americans of all time.

Kev’s successor, Bartonite mediocrity Mike Johnson, proclaimed himself MAGA Moses, because apparently, the showrunners figured a lil’ messianic delusion might spice up the otherwise stodgy presidential line of succession. And while some may balk at Speaker Mike’s hubristic sacrilege, the truly devout can no doubt recite Exodus 69:17-23 by heart:

So the Lord said to Moses, “When thou dost release thy security footage unto thy friendly media outlets, blur thou thy people’s faces, that they might escape accountability for assaulting police officers on behalf of thy most holy Game Show Host.”

George Santos didn’t waste any time, did he? Little shit must’ve been setting up that Cameo account during his expulsion vote, no doubt reasoning the government won’t be able to repossess any assets he successfully converts to Botox injections before the cops show up. John Fetterman happily launched this uncharacteristically legitimate phase of his former colleague’s career, recruiting Santos to troll Democrats’ own cartoonishly corrupt embarrassment.

(Should Bob Menendez wish to engage George for a clapback, I’m sure he’s more than willing to accept payment in illicitly obtained precious metals.)

I’ll gently suggest that the after-the-buzzer extension of Republican primary debate season lends credence to the once derided theory that we live in actual Hell. Judging by the brief resurgence of social media posts about Vivek Ramaswamy’s burst-hemorrhoid-like personality, they must’ve held another one this week. Why? I could not hope to tell you.

Viewership was way down, likely owing to the absence of Doug Burgum’s smoldering star power, or perhaps because Which of These Asshats Concedes Last? isn’t a particularly compelling question. Incidentally, you might want to check your junk folder, you may’ve been appointed chair of Ron DeSantis’ super PAC without even knowing it.

I know this’ll sound hard to believe, but apparently, preening congressional weathervane Nancy Mace runs something of a “toxic work environment.” I find myself torn between my instinctual libtard impulse to defend labor rights, and my equally fervent belief that any obstacle to the work conducted in House Republican offices ought to be encouraged as a matter of principle. Still, rise up, comrades, and seize the means of (popcorn) production!

Well, the U.S. military finally emerged victorious from the longest, most irritating battle of its 250-year history, as the commander of Fort Tuberville surrendered at long last, releasing his pigheaded holds on promotions, except for a handful he insists on maintaining for pure spite. Hopefully now we can get back to ignoring America’s dumbest Senator, at least until the next time he defends white nationalists, or joins a coup attempt.

The Comeuppance Fairy visited Wisconsin and Nevada this week, bearing legal consequences and burlap underwear for the very, very naughty fake elector children who plotted the overthrow of American democracy. GOOD.

Now, your average, run-of-the-mill, patriarchal police state would call it a day after forcing a woman to submit to the Kafkaesque nightmare of begging the courts for the brief window of bodily autonomy required to terminate a non-viable pregnancy that threatens her health and fertility, but in Ken Paxton’s Texas, they go the extra mile, threatening with prosecution any doctors or hospitals thinking about actually granting the woman her basic human rights.

Meanwhile, the Texas GOP’s Executive Committee removed a clause reading “the Republican Party of Texas have no association whatsoever with any individual or organization that is known to espouse anti-Semitism, pro-Nazi sympathies, or Holocaust denial” from an otherwise unanimously-passed resolution, because hey, there’s no need to antagonize the base.

For too many years, the scourge of communist garlic has plagued our great nation, indoctrinating our children one Olive Garden breadstick at a time, until one brave Medicare fraudster stood up and said NO MORE! God bless you, Rick Scott, for fighting the fights that matter most.

Elsewhere in Florida, it’s delightful to see the Zieglers refusing to go quietly in the wake of their hyper-hypocritical sex scandal/rape investigation. Christian contends it’s unfair to punish them while maintaining total, unquestioning fealty to a guy who’s been found legally liable for sexual assault, and, well, it’s pretty fuckin’ hard to argue otherwise, isn’t it?

International crime lord Joseph Robinette Biden Jr’s weaponized Department of Justice indicted Hunter Biden on nine new tax-related charges, as part of an elaborate scheme to use the 2018 repayment of a $4,000 truck loan to make House Oversight Chairdork James Comer look like a gibbering fuckwit in 2023.

It worked, too.

…all while delivering yet another absolute banger of a jobs report, incidentally. BRANDONOMICS, BAY-BEE!

Anyone looking to further stimulate America’s booming economy can do so at this link; and don’t worry, I promise to spend all donations on beer. You can also support the blog by joining the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Either way, you stay safe out there, chum…