If anybody asks you what life in the United States was like in 2022, well, the big thing was Donald Trump trying to drive as many people as possible violently insane, because he figured the threat of further terrorism was his best shot at avoiding prosecution. The real bitch of it is, despite failing at everything from steaks to vodka to casinos (casinos!) to pandemic management, turns out the guy has a real gift when it comes to driving people violently insane.

So, Youngstown. Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

They have a salute now, I see. That’s…not great.

It’s gettin’ weird, innit? I mean, it’s always been weird, and I certainly didn’t expect Off-Brand Orbán’s tightening embrace of QAnon to lead to puppies and rainbows or anything, but I guess I was hoping we wouldn’t get to the cult music/saluting phase for a while yet.    

Now, 99.9% of what goes down at these rallies is awful and depressing and frankly scary as fuck, but I do enjoy the bit where the game show host takes the Big Fancy Wannabe Senator Man and rubs his face around in a pile of shit, just cuz he can. And of course that bit’s scary, too, it’s one of the fashier bits, but JD Vance doesn’t deserve dignity, and it’s fun watching it drain from him.

Well, turns out the Constitution did not imbue Judge Aileen Cannon with supreme statute-inventing authority after all, so proposed special master Judge Raymond Dearie barely had time for a quick You Drooling Fuckwits Expect Me To What Now? before the 11th Circuit put an end to this latest legal joyride, though I’m sure Cannon and maniac Trump appointees like her will be a source of fun, fascist fuckery for years to come.

Undeterred by reality’s latest incursion into his Adderall-soaked fantasy world, the Deposed Dotard went on Hannity to claim he possessed the power to declassify whatever struck his fancy, simply “by thinking about it.” They only give that power to the really special Presidents, y’know…the cognitive test passers.

See, this is my favorite Donald Trump: the preening jackass who cannot stop himself from showing the world how badly his brain works. The guy who suggests disinfectant infusions and doctors weather maps with sharpies. No, there are no laws that allow anyone anywhere to declassify anything “by thinking about it.” That would be stupid. Why would anyone want that? Why would anyone suggest that? What a stupid, stupid thing to say.

And now, New York Attorney General Letitia James’ fraud lawsuit not only threatens the business empire his dad paid for, but subjects the Velveeta Vulgarian to his greatest lifelong fear: public exposure of the truth about his pathetically overinflated claims of wealth. Must suck to be an unusually fragile narcissist when shit like that happens.

As delightful as Fat Q*bert’s courtroom faceplants always are, he’s hardly the only wingnut scumbag getting dog-walked through the justice system these days. From James O’Keefe to Alex Jones to Mike Lindell to the Hitler cosplay Capitol rioter, it’s been a veritable festival of consequences out there. Keep it up, sez me. At this moment in history, I feel like the rule of law is a use-it-or-lose-it proposition.

With so many world-class asshats running for Senate seats and governorships, to say nothing of the election-denying conspiracy theorists seeking control of our voting infrastructure, it’s easy to overlook the skidmark brigade attempting to swell Kevin McCarthy’s Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus, but SURPRISE they suck, too.

Let’s start with John Gibbs in Michigan, who liked America better before all the uppity broads got to vote on shit like their so-called “bodily autonomy.” Be sure to dive into Gibbs’ scholarly musings on male supremacy, by the way. That there’re more gaps in his “logic” than in Donnie’s border wall certainly doesn’t interfere with the lad’s confidence, because there’s no effect realer than Dunning-Kruger.

Then there’s J.R. Majewski, seeking election in the new Ohio 9th, who understandably felt the need to embellish a resumé thin beyond Well I Painted Donald Trump’s Face On My Lawn Once, and figured a lil’ stolen valor would do the trick.

The Manchurian Manchild endorsed both these dolts, by the way, which is how they won their primaries in the first place. And maybe letting an emotionally stunted egomaniac handpick candidates based solely on their ability to capture his attention with public displays of obsequiousness isn’t a great system. Just a suggestion.

Lowering expectations before a debate is a time-honored tradition for idiots seeking office the world over, but Herschel Walker was always going to face an unusually steep climb here. Still, I think he got it about as right as humanly possible, telling reporters, “look, if I get through this without eating out of a cat box, I think I deserve a parade.” Or something very similar, I didn’t click the link.

I’m starting to think Ron DeSantis maybe didn’t think things all the way through before he pissed hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars away on that wacky human trafficking stunt last week. The investigations n’ lawsuits are piling up already, and despite the triumphal bleating of the right-wing jagoffosphere, not a single lib was owned. Still, this performative cruelty to dehumanized minorities will almost certainly boost his standing with Republican primary voters, and what a festive snippet of conventional wisdom that is.

You might not have even noticed the House GOP releasing their sad, flimsy Contract With America II: Lazy White Nationalist Boogaloo. Lordy, what a flaccid regurgitation of grey, dusty Gingrich cud. I know there isn’t a lot of readin’ and writin’ going down on y’all’s side of the aisle lately, but goddamn.

Of course, all the energy Republicans save by never giving a single passing fuck about any actual issues facing the nation goes into the elaborate construction of what Kellyanne Conway might call “alternative problems,” which are better than real problems, frankly, at least when it comes to riling up the rubes, since you’re free to manufacture maximum menace.

Like fentanyl. Fuckin’ FENTANYL, the demon drug that can kill you from like, ten feet away. Just reading the word “fentanyl,” here in this paragraph, will cause fatal overdoses in 3-4% of my readership, and I certainly apologize to the families affected. In many ways, it’s the anti-ivermectin.

And they’re putting it in YOUR CHILDREN’S HALLOWEEN CANDY!

…at GREAT PERSONAL EXPENSE!

…for SOME REASON!

Gibbering idiocy. Doesn’t come within ten fucking miles of making sense. Not even a good lie. And still, major Republican officials belch this garbage up, on “news” programs. Ronna NotRomney. Kevin McCarthy. Fabricating catastrophe to distract from their own party’s very real assaults on our fundamental rights. It’s all very normal and healthy.

Kash Patel, who is one of the Dennis Hopper types in this Aldi version of Kurtz’s camp, wrote a Big Lie children’s book, and I figure you’d need Steve Bannon’s Pornhub password to find anything as obscene as the idea of passing this demented ideology down to your kids. Christ.   

House Republicans, called upon to love their country just enough to support the Hey Let’s Not Do That Coup Thing Again Act, once again failed to clear the lowest imaginable moral hurdle. Arming that flock of buttholes with committee gavels seems unwise. Vote in the goddamn midterms.

I’m told a new MAGA dating service has encountered struggles attracting women, and gosh, we’ll need our finest detectives on that one.

What else, what elllllllllse? Who’s getting death threats this week? Ummmmmm, the National Archives…lawmakers representing Martha’s Vineyard (for insufficient hatred of migrants, y’see)…presumably Eric Swalwell still…I dunno, pretty much everybody by now, surely.

Look, Putin is totally winning the war in Ukraine, it’s just that he needs another 300,000 or so fresh bullet sponges to drop in front of those HIMARS, which sounds like a really fun job, though in completely unrelated news, draft-age men appear to be fleeing Russia in great numbers. Still want those history books to talk aboutcha, Vladkins? They’re gonna.

It’s all just so stupid and exhausting. And stupid. And exhausting. I’m gonna go make myself some NyQuil chicken and watch a Star War. Please stay safe out there amidst the weirdness, my friends.