Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Yeah, But Wouldn’t You Need a Functioning Brain to Think About Declassifying Something?
If anybody asks you what life in the United States was like in 2022, well, the big thing was Donald Trump trying to drive as many people as possible violently insane, because he figured the threat of further terrorism was his best shot at avoiding prosecution. The real bitch of it is, despite failing at everything from steaks to vodka to casinos (casinos!) to pandemic management, turns out the guy has a real gift when it comes to driving people violently insane.
So, Youngstown. Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
They have a salute now, I see. That’s…not great.
It’s gettin’ weird, innit? I mean, it’s always been weird, and I certainly didn’t expect Off-Brand Orbán’s tightening embrace of QAnon to lead to puppies and rainbows or anything, but I guess I was hoping we wouldn’t get to the cult music/saluting phase for a while yet.
Now, 99.9% of what goes down at these rallies is awful and depressing and frankly scary as fuck, but I do enjoy the bit where the game show host takes the Big Fancy Wannabe Senator Man and rubs his face around in a pile of shit, just cuz he can. And of course that bit’s scary, too, it’s one of the fashier bits, but JD Vance doesn’t deserve dignity, and it’s fun watching it drain from him.
Well, turns out the Constitution did not imbue Judge Aileen Cannon with supreme statute-inventing authority after all, so proposed special master Judge Raymond Dearie barely had time for a quick You Drooling Fuckwits Expect Me To What Now? before the 11th Circuit put an end to this latest legal joyride, though I’m sure Cannon and maniac Trump appointees like her will be a source of fun, fascist fuckery for years to come.
Undeterred by reality’s latest incursion into his Adderall-soaked fantasy world, the Deposed Dotard went on Hannity to claim he possessed the power to declassify whatever struck his fancy, simply “by thinking about it.” They only give that power to the really special Presidents, y’know…the cognitive test passers.
See, this is my favorite Donald Trump: the preening jackass who cannot stop himself from showing the world how badly his brain works. The guy who suggests disinfectant infusions and doctors weather maps with sharpies. No, there are no laws that allow anyone anywhere to declassify anything “by thinking about it.” That would be stupid. Why would anyone want that? Why would anyone suggest that? What a stupid, stupid thing to say.
And now, New York Attorney General Letitia James’ fraud lawsuit not only threatens the business empire his dad paid for, but subjects the Velveeta Vulgarian to his greatest lifelong fear: public exposure of the truth about his pathetically overinflated claims of wealth. Must suck to be an unusually fragile narcissist when shit like that happens.
As delightful as Fat Q*bert’s courtroom faceplants always are, he’s hardly the only wingnut scumbag getting dog-walked through the justice system these days. From James O’Keefe to Alex Jones to Mike Lindell to the Hitler cosplay Capitol rioter, it’s been a veritable festival of consequences out there. Keep it up, sez me. At this moment in history, I feel like the rule of law is a use-it-or-lose-it proposition.
With so many world-class asshats running for Senate seats and governorships, to say nothing of the election-denying conspiracy theorists seeking control of our voting infrastructure, it’s easy to overlook the skidmark brigade attempting to swell Kevin McCarthy’s Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus, but SURPRISE they suck, too.
Let’s start with John Gibbs in Michigan, who liked America better before all the uppity broads got to vote on shit like their so-called “bodily autonomy.” Be sure to dive into Gibbs’ scholarly musings on male supremacy, by the way. That there’re more gaps in his “logic” than in Donnie’s border wall certainly doesn’t interfere with the lad’s confidence, because there’s no effect realer than Dunning-Kruger.
Then there’s J.R. Majewski, seeking election in the new Ohio 9th, who understandably felt the need to embellish a resumé thin beyond Well I Painted Donald Trump’s Face On My Lawn Once, and figured a lil’ stolen valor would do the trick.
The Manchurian Manchild endorsed both these dolts, by the way, which is how they won their primaries in the first place. And maybe letting an emotionally stunted egomaniac handpick candidates based solely on their ability to capture his attention with public displays of obsequiousness isn’t a great system. Just a suggestion.
Lowering expectations before a debate is a time-honored tradition for idiots seeking office the world over, but Herschel Walker was always going to face an unusually steep climb here. Still, I think he got it about as right as humanly possible, telling reporters, “look, if I get through this without eating out of a cat box, I think I deserve a parade.” Or something very similar, I didn’t click the link.
I’m starting to think Ron DeSantis maybe didn’t think things all the way through before he pissed hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars away on that wacky human trafficking stunt last week. The investigations n’ lawsuits are piling up already, and despite the triumphal bleating of the right-wing jagoffosphere, not a single lib was owned. Still, this performative cruelty to dehumanized minorities will almost certainly boost his standing with Republican primary voters, and what a festive snippet of conventional wisdom that is.
You might not have even noticed the House GOP releasing their sad, flimsy Contract With America II: Lazy White Nationalist Boogaloo. Lordy, what a flaccid regurgitation of grey, dusty Gingrich cud. I know there isn’t a lot of readin’ and writin’ going down on y’all’s side of the aisle lately, but goddamn.
Of course, all the energy Republicans save by never giving a single passing fuck about any actual issues facing the nation goes into the elaborate construction of what Kellyanne Conway might call “alternative problems,” which are better than real problems, frankly, at least when it comes to riling up the rubes, since you’re free to manufacture maximum menace.
Like fentanyl. Fuckin’ FENTANYL, the demon drug that can kill you from like, ten feet away. Just reading the word “fentanyl,” here in this paragraph, will cause fatal overdoses in 3-4% of my readership, and I certainly apologize to the families affected. In many ways, it’s the anti-ivermectin.
And they’re putting it in YOUR CHILDREN’S HALLOWEEN CANDY!
…at GREAT PERSONAL EXPENSE!
…for SOME REASON!
Gibbering idiocy. Doesn’t come within ten fucking miles of making sense. Not even a good lie. And still, major Republican officials belch this garbage up, on “news” programs. Ronna NotRomney. Kevin McCarthy. Fabricating catastrophe to distract from their own party’s very real assaults on our fundamental rights. It’s all very normal and healthy.
Kash Patel, who is one of the Dennis Hopper types in this Aldi version of Kurtz’s camp, wrote a Big Lie children’s book, and I figure you’d need Steve Bannon’s Pornhub password to find anything as obscene as the idea of passing this demented ideology down to your kids. Christ.
House Republicans, called upon to love their country just enough to support the Hey Let’s Not Do That Coup Thing Again Act, once again failed to clear the lowest imaginable moral hurdle. Arming that flock of buttholes with committee gavels seems unwise. Vote in the goddamn midterms.
I’m told a new MAGA dating service has encountered struggles attracting women, and gosh, we’ll need our finest detectives on that one.
What else, what elllllllllse? Who’s getting death threats this week? Ummmmmm, the National Archives…lawmakers representing Martha’s Vineyard (for insufficient hatred of migrants, y’see)…presumably Eric Swalwell still…I dunno, pretty much everybody by now, surely.
Look, Putin is totally winning the war in Ukraine, it’s just that he needs another 300,000 or so fresh bullet sponges to drop in front of those HIMARS, which sounds like a really fun job, though in completely unrelated news, draft-age men appear to be fleeing Russia in great numbers. Still want those history books to talk aboutcha, Vladkins? They’re gonna.
It’s all just so stupid and exhausting. And stupid. And exhausting. I’m gonna go make myself some NyQuil chicken and watch a Star War. Please stay safe out there amidst the weirdness, my friends.