Y’know, I think it’s perfect, actually, that we’re watching our stupid, stupid history unfold in fast food chain parking lots. We earned this. We cut zero corners constructing this madhouse. Holy shit, this country is sick in some genuinely strange ways.

My week started with Louie Gohmert, who remains the single dumbest non-child human I have ever observed with any regularity. Louie was a lot of fun back when he was a largely harmless idiot, but like a lot of recently-harmless idiots, he’s a dangerous idiot now, because now he’s in this gang of idiots.

Anyway. Louie Gohmert, apparently desperate to drench himself in as much shame as possible on his way out of Congress, desecrated an American flag, in an obscene ceremony honoring a Covid conspiracy theorist/convicted capitol rioter. At the risk of editorializing, ritual glorification of law-breaking and violence is NOT FUCKING HEALTHY.

This is how you get bomb threats at a children’s hospital. This is how you get unhinged bigots threatening dictionary publishers. (Little on the nose with that one, America.) Or dudes attacking the FBI with nail guns. It’s happening all the goddamn time now.

This is how you wind up with headlines like Trump supporter in clown wig arrested at a Dairy Queen after threatening to ‘kill all the Democrats.’ Stop riling these losers up, you assholes; the rest of us are tired of getting shot at. I have a constitutional fucking right to venture out into my community for frozen treats without getting executed by some drooling fuckwit IN A CLOWN WIG who broke his brain watching Tucker Carlson.

Anyway, see you all at the Kyle Rittenhouse Festival, it’s the weekend after CPAC, there’s corn mazes and hayrides and you have to sign a nondisclosure agreement promising you won’t tell the media about whose pictures we put on the targets at the shooting range haw haw haw.

Yeah, we’re in a real, real healthy spot right now. As of posting time, we’ve managed to avoid erupting into a shooting war over Little Mermaid casting, though it’s certainly not for want of trying.

A U.S. Congresswoman (allegedly) kicked somebody today, (of course it was Marjorie Taylor Greene, no points for guessing) because in her work as a raving internet maniac, I guess she felt the time had finally arrived to spice up the usual racist tirade with a touch of assault.

Look. You’re not supposed to spend your life running around, screaming at people and kicking them. And I feel like that used to be a fairly non-controversial idea, but MAGA culture seems to’ve diverged here.   

Look at Lauren Boebert’s week, from a poo-flinging debate tantrum to apocalyptic ranting at a dominionist cult rally. She’s on the CAMPAIGN TRAIL, folks. This is Lauren Boebert with her best foot forward. No shortage of GOP candidates letting it all ride on batshit, and I’m not seein’ a lot of ‘em lose their primaries.

Quite the contrary, the forces of cray-cray completed their swing state Senate sweep in New Hampshire, though it’s certainly been amusing, watching Don Bolduc try the ol’ post-primary-pivot-to-the-center maneuver on…the Big Lie.

It’s almost adorable, the way they think they can just change hats and smile blankly and make everyone forget a half-decade of extremism. Like, everybody’s mad at Lindsey Graham for his proposed nationwide abortion ban, as though there’s any chance whatsoever at bamboozling all the women registering to vote post-Dobbs. “Oh, it’s up to the STATES? Well, golly, what was I even mad about? Back to the kitchen, I suppose, tee hee!”

(Incidentally, let this be a lesson to all the aspiring young autocrats interning on proto-fascist congressional staffs: next time, remove the voting rights first, THEN the bodily autonomy. It’s all so clear in hindsight.)

I think most midterm voters understand the GOP is little more than a revanchist howl of white nationalist rage these days, it’s just a matter of whether or not they like that. And a lot of people do. Are the polls accurately capturing how many? We’ll find out, they’re certainly trying their best…perhaps looking into per capita clown wig sales would prove illuminating.

Arizona Senate candidate Blake Masters has a wacky plan to purge the U.S. military of wrongthink, imposing sweet, MAGA conformity on a death machine so potent, it’s destroying the Russian army by proxy. And as not-fascist as that sounds, Blake, I’m going to gently nudge my readers towards Mark Kelly’s campaign site, lest a salivating goose-stepper such as yourself secure a spot on the Armed Services Committee.

Getting back to the performative cruelty of right-wing electoral politics, I see Ron DeSantis engaged in a little light human trafficking, in his latest bid for the applause and adulation of the braying, bloodthirsty base. They sure do enjoy hurting people, don’t they? Yeah, nothin’ semi-fascist about that. And that surge in anti-Semitic/white power activity in Florida is entirely unrelated to the Governor’s meticulously staged authoritarian power displays, surely.

Look, every third grader understands the Constitution clearly states the law of the land contorts automatically to suit the passing whims of a single narcissistic crook, and if Mr. Trump thinks a special master will help him stay out of jail, then Mr. Trump gets a special master, by gum! Or maybe Judge Aileen Cannon was busy eating paste the day they explained this shit, there’s disagreement on the issue.

They’re gonna need a boatload of Judge Cannons to get through what’s coming. Subpoenas have all but blackened the skies over Mar-a-Lago, as prosecutors home in on criminal conspiracies ranging from fake electors to the how-the-fuck-are-you-rubes-still-falling-for-this-shit “Save America PAC” scam. Almost more crimes than you can keep track of, though Sean Hannity’s got a helpful roundup if ya need it.

Shit, the FBI seized Mike Lindell’s phone at a Hardee’s, and because he’s basically single-handedly paying for Fox News these days, the whole world got to hear him whine about it. Bet that’s rough. I guess Mike’ll have to console himself with his exciting, new branding partnerships in the white nationalist community.

But yes, the law appears to be closing in on Off-Brand Orbán, so he once again emerged to threaten America with mob violence, on Hugh Hewitt’s show this time, because thuggish posturing just plays better next to a man you’ve broken so completely.

Of course he’s going full QAnon now; from his point of view, the only problem with the last murder mob he whipped up was that they didn’t manage to actually lynch anybody. The next “election justice protest” needs to be much larger and crazier and more threatening if Daddy’s to stay out of prison.

By the way, back when he was President*, seems Tangerine Idi Amin offered the West Bank to the King of Jordan, and it’s amazing how not surprised you were to hear that, isn’t it? “Well, naturally he thought he could do that, remember when he tried to swap Puerto Rico for Greenland?” It’s the kind of diplomacy you only get with a genuine cognitive-test-passer in charge.

Well, it took all the financing George Soros could muster, but the dastardly deep state completed the necessary child sacrifice ritual, in the Pizzagate basement, to the extra-dimensional demon god that powers Hunter Biden’s laptop, successfully concealing their many crimes from the prying eyes of the John Durham investigation. He was a worthy adversary, outside of his complete and total failure to uncover the slightest bit of evidence supporting Trumpworld’s persecution narrative.

Rand Paul, in the most Wile E. Coyote-like behavior I have ever witnessed, picked yet another fight with Dr. Fauci, which of course went exactly the way all their previous fights went. No doubt Rand’s feverishly flipping through the ACME catalogue right now, looking for something larger and louder to blow up in his own face.

There’s no convincing these weirdos, once they get a bug up their ass about something. Whether it’s one fake doctor’s cringey compulsion to bump epidemiological chests with the nation’s chief epidemiologist, or the growing movement desperate to believe that we are a nation beset by a plague of furry children shitting in litter boxes at school, they’re gonna keep pounding their skulls against reality until one or the other breaks.

Gosh, the mood sure has shifted in the Land of Busted Ferris Wheels, excuse me, I mean the “Mighty Soviet Empire Reborn,” huh? Following the latest round of humiliation administered by the Ukrainian people, Vlad Putin was forced to endure some very public spankings by the leaders of China and India. I’m told Poots can be found late at night in karaoke bars near the Kremlin, offering up a bitter, yet surprisingly vulnerable rendition of Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out.

And with that, I shall retire for the weekend. I have a strange craving for fast food, for some reason. And beer, of course. Stay safe out there, folks. No, really, I mean it; if you see a clown wig…duck.

* Remember that? Boy, what a bad idea that was.