Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Why Isn’t the Mike Lindell Hardee’s a National Monument Yet?
Y’know, I think it’s perfect, actually, that we’re watching our stupid, stupid history unfold in fast food chain parking lots. We earned this. We cut zero corners constructing this madhouse. Holy shit, this country is sick in some genuinely strange ways.
My week started with Louie Gohmert, who remains the single dumbest non-child human I have ever observed with any regularity. Louie was a lot of fun back when he was a largely harmless idiot, but like a lot of recently-harmless idiots, he’s a dangerous idiot now, because now he’s in this gang of idiots.
Anyway. Louie Gohmert, apparently desperate to drench himself in as much shame as possible on his way out of Congress, desecrated an American flag, in an obscene ceremony honoring a Covid conspiracy theorist/convicted capitol rioter. At the risk of editorializing, ritual glorification of law-breaking and violence is NOT FUCKING HEALTHY.
This is how you get bomb threats at a children’s hospital. This is how you get unhinged bigots threatening dictionary publishers. (Little on the nose with that one, America.) Or dudes attacking the FBI with nail guns. It’s happening all the goddamn time now.
This is how you wind up with headlines like Trump supporter in clown wig arrested at a Dairy Queen after threatening to ‘kill all the Democrats.’ Stop riling these losers up, you assholes; the rest of us are tired of getting shot at. I have a constitutional fucking right to venture out into my community for frozen treats without getting executed by some drooling fuckwit IN A CLOWN WIG who broke his brain watching Tucker Carlson.
Anyway, see you all at the Kyle Rittenhouse Festival, it’s the weekend after CPAC, there’s corn mazes and hayrides and you have to sign a nondisclosure agreement promising you won’t tell the media about whose pictures we put on the targets at the shooting range haw haw haw.
Yeah, we’re in a real, real healthy spot right now. As of posting time, we’ve managed to avoid erupting into a shooting war over Little Mermaid casting, though it’s certainly not for want of trying.
A U.S. Congresswoman (allegedly) kicked somebody today, (of course it was Marjorie Taylor Greene, no points for guessing) because in her work as a raving internet maniac, I guess she felt the time had finally arrived to spice up the usual racist tirade with a touch of assault.
Look. You’re not supposed to spend your life running around, screaming at people and kicking them. And I feel like that used to be a fairly non-controversial idea, but MAGA culture seems to’ve diverged here.
Look at Lauren Boebert’s week, from a poo-flinging debate tantrum to apocalyptic ranting at a dominionist cult rally. She’s on the CAMPAIGN TRAIL, folks. This is Lauren Boebert with her best foot forward. No shortage of GOP candidates letting it all ride on batshit, and I’m not seein’ a lot of ‘em lose their primaries.
Quite the contrary, the forces of cray-cray completed their swing state Senate sweep in New Hampshire, though it’s certainly been amusing, watching Don Bolduc try the ol’ post-primary-pivot-to-the-center maneuver on…the Big Lie.
It’s almost adorable, the way they think they can just change hats and smile blankly and make everyone forget a half-decade of extremism. Like, everybody’s mad at Lindsey Graham for his proposed nationwide abortion ban, as though there’s any chance whatsoever at bamboozling all the women registering to vote post-Dobbs. “Oh, it’s up to the STATES? Well, golly, what was I even mad about? Back to the kitchen, I suppose, tee hee!”
(Incidentally, let this be a lesson to all the aspiring young autocrats interning on proto-fascist congressional staffs: next time, remove the voting rights first, THEN the bodily autonomy. It’s all so clear in hindsight.)
I think most midterm voters understand the GOP is little more than a revanchist howl of white nationalist rage these days, it’s just a matter of whether or not they like that. And a lot of people do. Are the polls accurately capturing how many? We’ll find out, they’re certainly trying their best…perhaps looking into per capita clown wig sales would prove illuminating.
Arizona Senate candidate Blake Masters has a wacky plan to purge the U.S. military of wrongthink, imposing sweet, MAGA conformity on a death machine so potent, it’s destroying the Russian army by proxy. And as not-fascist as that sounds, Blake, I’m going to gently nudge my readers towards Mark Kelly’s campaign site, lest a salivating goose-stepper such as yourself secure a spot on the Armed Services Committee.
Getting back to the performative cruelty of right-wing electoral politics, I see Ron DeSantis engaged in a little light human trafficking, in his latest bid for the applause and adulation of the braying, bloodthirsty base. They sure do enjoy hurting people, don’t they? Yeah, nothin’ semi-fascist about that. And that surge in anti-Semitic/white power activity in Florida is entirely unrelated to the Governor’s meticulously staged authoritarian power displays, surely.
Look, every third grader understands the Constitution clearly states the law of the land contorts automatically to suit the passing whims of a single narcissistic crook, and if Mr. Trump thinks a special master will help him stay out of jail, then Mr. Trump gets a special master, by gum! Or maybe Judge Aileen Cannon was busy eating paste the day they explained this shit, there’s disagreement on the issue.
They’re gonna need a boatload of Judge Cannons to get through what’s coming. Subpoenas have all but blackened the skies over Mar-a-Lago, as prosecutors home in on criminal conspiracies ranging from fake electors to the how-the-fuck-are-you-rubes-still-falling-for-this-shit “Save America PAC” scam. Almost more crimes than you can keep track of, though Sean Hannity’s got a helpful roundup if ya need it.
Shit, the FBI seized Mike Lindell’s phone at a Hardee’s, and because he’s basically single-handedly paying for Fox News these days, the whole world got to hear him whine about it. Bet that’s rough. I guess Mike’ll have to console himself with his exciting, new branding partnerships in the white nationalist community.
But yes, the law appears to be closing in on Off-Brand Orbán, so he once again emerged to threaten America with mob violence, on Hugh Hewitt’s show this time, because thuggish posturing just plays better next to a man you’ve broken so completely.
Of course he’s going full QAnon now; from his point of view, the only problem with the last murder mob he whipped up was that they didn’t manage to actually lynch anybody. The next “election justice protest” needs to be much larger and crazier and more threatening if Daddy’s to stay out of prison.
By the way, back when he was President*, seems Tangerine Idi Amin offered the West Bank to the King of Jordan, and it’s amazing how not surprised you were to hear that, isn’t it? “Well, naturally he thought he could do that, remember when he tried to swap Puerto Rico for Greenland?” It’s the kind of diplomacy you only get with a genuine cognitive-test-passer in charge.
Well, it took all the financing George Soros could muster, but the dastardly deep state completed the necessary child sacrifice ritual, in the Pizzagate basement, to the extra-dimensional demon god that powers Hunter Biden’s laptop, successfully concealing their many crimes from the prying eyes of the John Durham investigation. He was a worthy adversary, outside of his complete and total failure to uncover the slightest bit of evidence supporting Trumpworld’s persecution narrative.
Rand Paul, in the most Wile E. Coyote-like behavior I have ever witnessed, picked yet another fight with Dr. Fauci, which of course went exactly the way all their previous fights went. No doubt Rand’s feverishly flipping through the ACME catalogue right now, looking for something larger and louder to blow up in his own face.
There’s no convincing these weirdos, once they get a bug up their ass about something. Whether it’s one fake doctor’s cringey compulsion to bump epidemiological chests with the nation’s chief epidemiologist, or the growing movement desperate to believe that we are a nation beset by a plague of furry children shitting in litter boxes at school, they’re gonna keep pounding their skulls against reality until one or the other breaks.
Gosh, the mood sure has shifted in the Land of Busted Ferris Wheels, excuse me, I mean the “Mighty Soviet Empire Reborn,” huh? Following the latest round of humiliation administered by the Ukrainian people, Vlad Putin was forced to endure some very public spankings by the leaders of China and India. I’m told Poots can be found late at night in karaoke bars near the Kremlin, offering up a bitter, yet surprisingly vulnerable rendition of Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out.
And with that, I shall retire for the weekend. I have a strange craving for fast food, for some reason. And beer, of course. Stay safe out there, folks. No, really, I mean it; if you see a clown wig…duck.
* Remember that? Boy, what a bad idea that was.