Let me just say that in this age of disinformation, I think it’s troubling that you can trust a drunken maniac in a bathrobe and a luchador mask more than an entire political party with millions of members. But, sadly, unlike the institutional GOP, I’m not making any of this shit up. 

Before we get started tonight, we should pause to note that the cheap crook the entire Republican Party is immolating their reputations for is a drooling idiot, ranting about the immorality of babies being born “in the ninth month.” I guess gestation is partisan now. Anyway, we all know these clowns can never, ever admit Boss Turdworm was wrong about anything, so expect a mass MAGA movement for forced premature births any day now.

Ben Carson’s HUD has been illegally withholding billions in hurricane aid from Puerto Rico, the latest reminder that our current government despises its citizens and wants them to suffer. One of these days, Dr. Ben is gonna come home and find Jesus has vacated that one creepy little portrait, leaving behind only a Post-it telling him he’s a douchebag, and a book about the pyramids.

An increasing number of newspaper editorial boards, including the Los Angeles Times and the Boston Globe, 9 out of 10 doctors, and 30 Helens agree: we need to impeach this motherfucker before he signs the Sixth Fleet over to Putin as a birthday present. Anyway if we haven’t been perfectly clear already, the editorial board here at Shower Cap’s Blog* absolutely believes Weehands McNodick should be impeached, prosecuted, and imprisoned at the bottom of a Lollapalooza outhouse for the remainder of his natural life. And beyond, come to think of it.

Hairplug Himmler apparently now feels comfortable ranting like a Nazi in front of a roomful of Jewish Americans, cramming a mind-boggling number of anti-Semitic tropes into a single speech before the Israeli American Council, insisting, for example, that they’d have no choice but to vote for him because Elizabeth Warren wants a wealth tax and everyone knows how much Jews love money HAW HAW HAW anyway pay no attention to the concentration camps I’ve already opened on American soil.

Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Denmark demanded that the Danish Atlantic Council disinvite an expert speaker who was deemed insufficiently loyal to Emperor Cowpie, which barely even made the news this week, because nowadays we fully expect our cowardly, fascist, government to pull cowardly, fascist, shit like this. Anyway, the whole damn conference is cancelled now, and the dessert buffet was gonna be absolutely fucking spectacular, but now you don’t get any delicious pastries at all, you sniveling authoritarian shitweasel.

Big shout-out to Linda Ronstadt for calling Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo out right to his shitty, craven, enabling, face. I don’t know much, Mike, but I know you’re a traitor to everything America stands for. And y’know what? That may be all I need to know.

Well, fuck me sideways with a tuba, the Marmalade Shartcannon is already campaigning with the motherfucking war criminals he pardoned. In his defense, it’s gotta be pretty tough to dig up Americans whose lives he’s actually improved; the options are basically billionaires, psychopathic murderers, and Sean Hannity’s agent. Maybe Vlad’ll be down to take a little vacation next year, give the keynote at the RNC.

President Crotchvoid blocked a proposed United Nations meeting on North Korea’s human rights violations, and was promptly repaid with a barrage of childish insults and threats. The next challenge coin should depict Kim Jong-un riding Littlefinger like a pony.

Since the truth is so inescapably damning for their Turd Emperor, Republicans have gone all-in on disinformation, and if the republic burns as a result, well, somebody tell Charlie Koch to buy up all the marshmallow companies. Anyway, Mark Meadows got all hot n’ bothered when an interviewer suggested Kid Kompromat asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, insisting such a thing never happened. Now, the bloated old fuck stood right on the White House lawn and asked Ukraine AND China to investigate the Bidens, live on television, but Meadows, like a community theatre actor in the Charles Boyer role in Gaslight**, thinks he can just razzle-dazzle us into forgetting all that. As is the case in so many things, Mark Meadows is super fuckin’ wrong. 

The GOP is about a week away from sending Gym Jordon out on the Sunday Shoz to breathlessly (and jacketlessly) rave, “You’re suggesting there’s some sort of magical device that lets people have conversations with other people halfway around world? How could Trump have done anything wrong on the Zelensky phone call if there’s NO SUCH THING AS A PHONE, Chuck?”

Chickenshit Beard-Ruiner Ted Cruz became the latest Republican official to trade in his American flag lapel pin for a set of Kremlin talking points, parroting Putin propaganda on behalf of the petty crook who insulted his wife and his father, and who would merrily shit right down his throat for a nickel. I’m gonna call up Ricky Gervais to pitch a cringe comedy mockumentary that follows Calgary Cruz around, watching as he sells the last decaying remnants of his soul for hard candy and fistful of shiny beads.

So, apparently Shart Administration Medicare chief Seema Verma enjoys traveling with a fat pile of expensive jewelry. Verma doesn’t seem to enjoy insuring that jewelry, or storing it in a secure location, nearly as much though, and when she got robbed on a recent trip, she thought “A-HA! This looks like a job for…the AMERICAN TAXPAYER!” and she tried to stick us chumps with the fucking bill. I’d like to see a report on just how much of the rapidly-expanding deficit is driven by Trump appointee grifting, wouldn’t you?

As expected, the Justice Department inspector general’s report found the FBI committed no wrongdoing in opening their investigation into the Treasonweasel campaign, which was, again, stuffed with felons and operating with the aid and approval of Vladimir Putin, who correctly viewed the Manchurian Manchild as the perfect vehicle to divide and weaken the United States. I confess I think it’s kinda weird, that it’s headline news when there turns out to be zero evidence for an obviously-fabricated conspiracy theory, but then, there are quite a few aspects of life in 2019 that are sub-optimal, aren’t there?

Redactor General Billy Barr dashed off a cynical little note proclaiming the report found more or less the precise opposite of its actual findings, confident that’d be good enough to tide the rubes over, until they settle on the next date for the mass QAnon arrests, or the rapture, or whatever horseshit they ultimately decide to stake their frail sense of identity to. Luckily, Billy B has long since blown his credibility with his mendacious Mueller memo and other acts of hyper-partisan sycophancy, so he’s lost most of his ability to set the narrative.

The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor himself lamented the findings of an imaginary report that exists only in his mind, next to the damaged brain cells that tell him he’s respected by world leaders and attractive to women, expressing whinging outrage at the deep state conspiracy against him, ensuring Cult45 can go on ignoring all those pesky, inconvenient facts, and burrow ever deeper into the warm, comforting, blanket of victimhood.***

Fun little sidebar to the IG report, while the famous Steele dossier was not a factor in the FBI’s decision to investigate Putin’s Personal Pet Presidential Candidate, the wily British spy had, in the past, been known to hang around with…Ivanka Trump. You hear that, Dotard? Your daughter’s been hiding a secret relationship with Christopher Steele from you. I bet she’s the one who told him about the pee tape.

And of course the House Judiciary Committee Impeachment Hearings/Subpar White Conservative Dude Clown Show rolled on. Democrats clearly and devastatingly laid out the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, while Republicans screamed, lied, and in fleeting moments of virtuoso multi-tasking, screamed lies. I would almost pity the editing team at Fux Nooz tasked with splicing that overflowing vomitorium of hot nonsense into something resembling a coherent, pro-Trump, narrative, if they weren’t, y’know, trying to destroy American democracy.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, accused of drinking on the job, irresponsibly doling out opioids, and overseeing an abusive working environment, is now running for Congress in Texas, because of course he is. It would be cool if “I lied about the President’s weight and health and will continue to lie for him in the House of Representatives” were the kind of thing that was more likely to kill a career in Republican politics than boost it, but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

Ok everybody, that’s enough for one night. The sooner we go to bed, the sooner it’s Articles of Impeachment morning, don’t forget to leave cookies out for Nancy Pelosi!

*The editorial board is made up of Cap, his cat, and…nope, that’s it. 

**I fucking know it’s called Angel Street. I’m a failed actor, remember?

***This week only, take 25% off the Blanket of Victimhood in the Shower Cap Store!****

****There is no Shower Cap Store. You can buy me a beer, tho.