Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Apologies for this Super-Dull Recap of the Week’s Exceptionally Boring News
Kind of a slow news week, huh? I’m honestly not sure there’s enough to justify a blog tonight. Maybe we can dig something up. Um…I got some new underwear…
I see protesters at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill toppled a statue of some dead loser traitor nicknamed “Silent Sam,” but tearing down Confederate monuments is SO 2017. Although I guess we can blame these things on roving Antifa mobs now, that’s a new twist on a beloved classic.
I hesitate to even bore you with this, but the Shitmaggot Administration rolled back Obama-era coal emission standards, even though their own projections say doing so will result in an extra 1,400 premature deaths annually. I KNOW, I KNOW, you’re all “Cap, the government deliberately kills its own citizens all the time, remember that time Jimmy Carter ordered the Air Force to napalm the suburbs of Denver, just for kicks?” Barely even news. Sorry.
What else, what else…ummmmmmmmmm….Larry Kudlow invited a white supremacist over to his house for his birthday? Does “High-Ranking Advisor to the President Does Jell-O Shots Out of Nazi’s Belly Button” really qualify as NEWS anymore? That’s page A-22 shit nowadays. Stephen Miller could fly to Chicago just to rub his bare ass on American Gothic and you’d forget about it in three hours.
Ho hum, I see Rand Paul is still out there shillin’ for Putin, this time pushing the official Kremlin line on keeping Georgia and Ukraine out of NATO. Again, this is old news. Comrade Rand’s gonna show up next week in a car made from pure asbestos, praising vodka enemas, and we’ll just shrug and check in on what those zany Kardashians are up to.
Susan Collins found her Plausible Deniability Umbrella in the Kavanaugh confirmation shitstorm, a flimsy sheet of bullshit literally everyone on Earth can see through, that will still allow her to feign surprise and disappointment when he spends decades on the bench rolling back women’s rights, and I know I’m doing a gimmick tonight where I’m pretending everything is boring but this really is the least shocking news of all time. This is Susan Collins reduced to her purest essence.
Mmmmmmmm…let’s see, anything going on with that Manafort fellow? The gossip columns tell us he’s used his time in incarceration to become quite the adept little Sudoku player! He’s also taken on the task of re-organizing the pantry in the prison commissary, and oh yeah, he was just CONVICTED ON EIGHT DIFFERENT FELONY COUNTS HASHTAG MANAFUCKED ROT IN JAIL FOREVER YOU TREASONOUS SHITWEASEL!
Yessir, Pusillanimous Paulie got nailed to the wall. And now he’s going to a very sad place where none of the clothes are made from ostriches, not even the jumpsuits.
I guess if you were into super-obscure news, you might be interested in the thing where the President’s longtime lawyer pleaded guilty to eight felony charges of his own. I think I maybe heard something where a couple of them mentioned Government Cheese Goebbels himself as the unindicted co-conspirator who instructed Cohen to commit federal crimes? And that it’s only the office of the Presidency itself preventing him from being indicted?
I dunno, I wasn’t paying close attention, I was watching an old Frasier. You know, the one where Niles did that thing?
Maybe we can bust up on the monotony by sending you over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. Meet the candidates on the front lines of the battle to take back Congress. They’re a genuinely inspirational bunch, you’ll like ‘em. And they could use your help. Yes, YOU.
I guess if wanted to spice up this quaaludes-at-a-Dan-Fogelberg-concert snoozefest of a news cycle, we could play a game. Like, we could try to guess what epic, horrible, shit Michael Cohen was into, that the feds uncovered, that his motherfucking PLEA DEAL was for eight felony counts, implicating the goddamn President, and still carries serious jail time. Was he selling crystal meth on playgrounds? Or do they just have pics of him dressing up in Ivanka’s clothes while Donnie bites his ass?
The Cohen thing and the Manafort thing happened literally minutes apart, so when you really look at it, outside of one teeny-tiny hour, things really have been sorta drab this week.
But as tedious as all this shit was, Cohen’s lawyer, Lanny Davis, was out there trying to milk it anyhow. Lan the Man went on Maddow and was all “My client knows a bunch of shit about a certain Dotard and a certain International Conspiracy to Hack the DNC and Influence the 2016 Election blah blah blah.” Whatever, dude, Pawn Stars in on.
Fuck, things are SO slow, I have to resort to covering stories that didn’t even happen, just to fill space.
Like, remember last week when the Soggy-with-Spittle Rightwing Echo Chamber didn’t complain about other media outlets refusing to make the story of a white dude in Colorado murdering his family the center of all their coverage? Remember when they didn’t demand all other stories be dropped to cover the old white man who shot literally hundreds of people in Las Vegas? Remember when they didn’t think this act of white supremacist terrorism should push other stories out of the headlines? Or this one? Or this one? Or any of these?
I mention this only because the Shrieking Bigotosphere is claiming that there’s some sort of conspiracy to report on the largest political scandal in decades, rather than devoting round-the-clock coverage to a single murder.
Gosh, I wonder if this has anything at all to do with the prevailing belief that the murder suspect was an undocumented immigrant? Oh Cap, you get so silly and cynical sometimes!
But Boy Howdy, the Republican Party REALLY wants to talk about this one specific murderer. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE ROTTEN, OOZING, FETID, CORE OF UNAPOLOGETIC CORRUPTION AT THE HEART OF THE AMERICAN RIGHT!
Yeah man…Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum REALLY want this to be their Reichstag Fire. It’s pathetic, and it would be more amusing if it wasn’t…y’know…evil. Like, me? My fallback plan has always been teaching. The GOP’s is…inciting a race war.
Can we also maybe talk about this weird the right wing does where they barge into a grieving family’s life, and politicize their tragedy against their wishes? The people who actually knew and loved the victim are asking the hate-mongers to stop, to just show them a little respect, give them a little privacy, but the dirtbag pundit class is all, “Sorry folks, this torch-wielding mob isn’t gonna whip itself up into a murderous frenzy, y’know?”
Of course now, the suspect’s lawyer is saying he’s in the country legally. Which doesn’t matter a great deal in the grand scheme of things, or shouldn’t anyway, but it just upended the Republican Party’s entire advertising strategy for the midterms, because that’s the fucking world we live in, folks. Sleep tight.
God, even the primaries were dull this week. Kinda funny that even a Drumpf endorsement couldn’t get Foster “Y’know Who’re Sluts? WOMEN, THAT’S WHO HAW HAW HAW” Friess over the line in the Wyoming governor’s race. Lord. There are like, fourteen voters in Wyoming, and he can’t even keep them in line. Just sad.
The DNC caught some fuckers trying to hack their voter database, and honestly if we keep recycling these old plotlines I’m just gonna go play Bejeweled until I pass out.
At least Duncan Hunter is trying give folks their money’s worth! A 47-page indictment for livin’ large on campaign donors’ dollar? You House boys know how to fuckin’ party! You also apparently know how to insult entire branches of the armed forces! And you’ve demonstrated an uncanny knack for Buying Shit For Yourself with the Intention of Pretending the Expense was Actually a Donation for Wounded Veterans! Good luck with re-election!
Duncan, m’man, in a party full of pedophiles and abusers and enablers and that one guy who tried to pay his staff to fuck him, you somehow managed to stand out as exceptionally shitty. You are a Jagoff Among Jagoffs sir. Tell you what, I’ll donate five hundred dollars to your re-election, but I’ll only give it to you if you hold the fundraiser at a Navy bar.
I see Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler sent Sharty McFly a “Stop Using Our Music at Your Klan Rallies, You Too-Long-Tie-Wearing Prick” letter, just to sprinkle a little crumbled-up toffee on the President’s terrible horrible no-good very bad legal day. Man. That’s Amazing. They’re really treating Trump like a Rag Doll. Whatever happens next, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.
Now I see Michael Cohen has been subpoenaed in that investigation into the Shart Foundation, which means he may not have time to fully catch up on BoJack Horseman before his sentencing, poor fellah.
Y’know what? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even blogged today, this is some bland-ass shit. Tell you what; you just lay back, take a lil’ nap, I’ll give you a nudge if anything important happens, like, I dunno, Dorito Mussolini openly confessing to committing the crimes he’s accused of during a softball interview with Fux Nooz or something.
All of these gags about how this earth-shaking news isn’t that big a deal becomes significantly less funny when you realize that that’s exactly how Congressional Republicans are treating it. The President was implicated, under oath, in multiple federal crimes yesterday, and Paul Ryan has not called for a single hearing, nor opened a single investigation. And Mitch McConnell is playing the Little Bastard That Could, pushing Kavanaugh through before the whole fuckin’ thing goes up in flames.
I’m looking for a gag amidst that horror, but it’s all, HAW HAW THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS A MASSIVE CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE DESIGNED TO SOLELY TO SHOVEL WEALTH TO THEIR DONOR CLASS AND THEY’LL USE THE CONSTITUTION TO WIPE DOWN THE SPANK BOOTH AT BLAKE FARENTHOLD’S FAVORITE BAR IF THEY NEED TO HAW HAW HAW.