Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Gosh, I Wonder If the Party Made Entirely of Hate-Mongers Has Anything To Do With All These Hate Crimes
Y’know, the new normal may not provide quite as much blog fodder, but it sure is easier on the ol’ mental health. The news cycle is all Democrats helping people, people lovin’ it, and Republicans freaking the fuck out because folks seem to prefer progressive policy to Blind Obedience to the Screeching Reality TV Man, which was, you’ll recall, their most recent official party platform. So grab a beer, let’s watch the bastards squirm…
More than any other prominent wingnut, Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson has gone Full White Nationalist, unapologetically spreading Tangerine Idi Amin’s fascist Big Lie at every opportunity, and keeping the flame of Trumpist gaslighting ablaze as only the Dumbest Man in the Senate™️ can.
RoJo, bless his drool-sodden heart, doesn’t understand why folks’re mad at him for suggesting the January 6th rioters were cuddly, peaceful patriots who luv n’ respect law enforcement super hard, an affection expressed with bear spray and blunt weaponry, apparently. Not at all like those Black Lives Matter protesters, with their demands for equality and scary non-white skin.
Oddly, law enforcement doesn’t appear to share Ron-Ron’s rosy view of the brownshirt ragewad that injured 140 officers that day, possibly because they’re too busy throwing the perpetrators in jail. From Proud Boys facing conspiracy charges to a literal Hitler lookalike, I don’t think MAGA nation sent their best to the Capitol riot; oh wait, they totally did, didn’t they?
Marjorie Taylor Greene has apparently declined to spend any of the free time that opened up when she was stripped of her committee assignments in the library, otherwise she might not have assailed Guam, a U.S. territory, as a dastardly foreign foe of Real Murica, although upon reflection, she’s hardly the type to let such details diminish her boundless, ravenous hatred.
When Guam’s non-voting congressional representative swung by her office with cookies and members of the Guam National Guard, who risk their lives protecting the nation Marjorie works so diligently to destroy, she fell back on the bleating victimhood which is all she’s ever had to offer, and all the Republican base seems to want from their elected representatives. Perhaps going forward, “troll collective” would be a better descriptor for this gaggle of mewling buttholes than “political party.”
Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell has become quite irate at all this talk of abolishing, or even reforming the filibuster, because he’s not about to let something as silly and inconsequential as “the will of the electorate” interfere with his sacred right to prevent Democrats from cleaning up his murderously incompetent party’s messes. So he threw a tiny terrapin tantrum, threatening to inflict even more suffering on the American people than the last time his party got fired for fucking up more or less everything.
Poor Yertle. He’s never understood the way the nation’s political dynamics shifted during the Turd Reich. He doesn’t get that people take the responsibilities of citizenship more seriously now, that we’re paying attention to his procedural shenanigans, and learning how to fight them. Nor does he grok that there’s no constituency whatsoever for the politics of austerity; just because his own voters can be placated with a steady stream of nasty tweets doesn’t mean they’ll submissively line up behind the Senate millionaire’s club as they cut their own taxes over and over again.
Well, fuck him and his obsolete obstruction playbook. I say flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his contemptible life’s work.
A newly declassified report from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence says Vladimir Putin once again interfered in our election on behalf of a certain semi-sentient mound of lemur poo, and honestly, I get that. If you’d invested four years in training your own personal pet President to crap all over his own country’s strategic interests, you’d want him to stick around a bit longer, too; NATO ain’t gonna destroy itself from within, y’know.
Smilin’ Joe Biden seems disinclined to be so forgiving, however. Frankly, from Vlad’s perspective, he’s more of a Sternly Scowlin’ Joe Biden. A Fuck Around and Find Out Joe Biden. Ol’ Pooty, backed into a corner and short on tools, actually challenged Joe to a debate, and let me just say, if you’re reduced to such sad sack Ben Shapiro-esque tactics, I think you can safely rule out a return to superpower status, kiddo.
Once again, a shitty white dude decided he had the right to senselessly end a bunch of human lives, and, with a helpful assist from Georgia’s NRA-approved gun laws, moved effortlessly from instantaneous, background-check-free firearm purchase to mass murder spree with nary an obstruction, killing eight, including six women of Asian descent, the latest and most tragic in a surging series of hate crimes targeting the AAPI community, fueled by the racist rhetoric of right-wing politicians and media figures.
Texas Congressjag/Ted Cruz protégé Chip Roy figured a hearing on violence against Asian-Americans was the ideal forum to spout “Y’know what we need more of? LYNCHINGS!” and while I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect good judgment from a grown man who refers to himself as “Chip,” I would also like to suggest that no, extrajudicial mob killings are not the appropriate response here. Or ANYWHERE, Chip, you lizard-brained dolt.
Speaking of dipshit Republicans flaunting their ignorance like a chestful of combat medals, Rand Paul picked another fight with Dr. Fauci, citing Paul’s First Law of Highfalutin So-Called “Science,” which states any scientific conclusion, principle, or law can be overruled by an angry white dude with no relevant expertise, provided he bellows loudly enough. Honestly, Rand seems to get off on humiliating himself in public, and I don’t think we should kink shame him.
I see the Deposed, Diminished Dotard phoned in to Fux Nooz to kvetch and moan that the Supreme Court lacked the “courage” to overturn the 2020 election on the say-so of the maggots devouring Sidney Powell’s brain. I dunno about y’all, but I’m really enjoying the hell out of the speed at which he’s shrinking into virtual non-existence.
The American right remains utterly confounded by Wet-Ass Pussy, with Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s performance at the Grammys serving as a grim reminder of the strained dissatisfaction permeating conservative bedrooms from sea to shining sea. Candace Owens went on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour to share a meltdown over the scandalous suggestion that women are allowed to enjoy sex and also Dr. Seuss Potato Head Cancel Culture Blah Blah Blah Blah I’d say “wake me up when these clowns are done whining,” but that would require cryogenics.
The Tennessee Historical Commission voted to remove a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest from the State Capitol, on account of the way he founded the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot, so state Republicans immediately crafted legislation to fire and replace the entire commission, because once you start eliminating the symbols of institutional white supremacy, it’s only a matter of time before the citizenry starts to demand better representatives than the subpar bigots currently squatting in our legislatures.
Rough times all around for monuments to loser fuckwad hate-mongers, as a Texas wax museum was forced to relocate their statue of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops to storage, because visitors kept punching it. I know you’d expect this news to delight me, but the truth is, I’m disappointed and saddened, that in these divisive times, Americans would desecrate the image of a man who was, for good or ill, our nation’s 45th President…without having the basic decency to inform me of the opportunity to join the fun. Shame on you.
A dozen Republicans actually had the fucking gall to vote against a resolution honoring the law enforcement officers who risked, and in three cases gave their lives protecting members of Congress from the lynch mob made up of their party’s most fervent supporters. The ringleader of this shitty little cabal, Louie Gohmert, was upset, you see, because the language of the resolution was too mean to the terrorists. True story.
The rest of the Fifth Columnist Caucus, for the curious: Matt Gaetz, Thomas Massie, Andy Biggs, Andy Harris, Lance Gooden, Michael Cloud, Andrew Clyde, Greg Steube, Bob Good, John Rose, and, of course, Marjorie Taylor Guam. I mention their names because these enemies of freedom will be in the majority in a couple of years if you don’t VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
An even larger clump of House Republicans opposed the renewal of the Violence Against Women Act, on the grounds that it would infringe upon the god-given right of convicted stalkers to purchase firearms. I figure during freshmen orientation, Kevin McCarthy must pass out some sort of of How to Expunge Your Sense of Shame handbook, co-authored by Newt Gingrich and Denny Hastert…or maybe the RNC just screens candidates for sociopathy in advance?
Seems you can kick the superspreader out of the White House, but can’t make him take the simple, widely-understood steps necessary to contain the coronavirus. What I’m saying is, there’s a fresh new COVID-19 outbreak down at Marm-a-Lago, which has partially shut down as a result. I bet we’ll be a decade into herd immunity, and this cud-brained fuckwit will still somehow manage to cause one last flare-up, in his federal penitentiary cell block.
While Republicans grouse and throw fits and tie themselves in knots seeking to placate the dumb and hateful, Democrats are busy getting shots in arms and money in pockets. The polling is playing out exactly how you’d expect, but if the GOP insists on tripling down on their weak attempts to mimic their Turd Emperor’s manic culture war blubbering, I for one have no intention of interrupting them.
Wow, what a light week! There were several afternoons in 2020 that contained more madness, and I don’t care how much it bores Ted Cruz, I absolutely adore this shit. Now I’m gonna go enjoy a beer or three, not because I need ‘em to cope with the inescapable oppressiveness of life under a would-be autocrat, but just cuz I feel like it. Stay safe out there, Shower Captives…