- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Maybe Letting the White Supremacists Decide Who Gets to Vote Isn’t the Best Idea
Well, potty-mouthed masked bloggers aren’t quite eligible for vaccination in my neck of the woods yet, so I’m still trapped inside with nothin’ but the news to keep me company. Short version: the racist shitweasels recently removed from power for being racist shitweasels have decided that their best path forward is to simply eliminate any non-racist/non-shitweasel citizens from the pool of eligible voters, so I hope you haven’t put your fascist-stompin’ boots in storage just yet.
Trump Spokesjag/Ruptured Anal Fistula Jason Miller claims his loser boss is looking to start his very own social media platform, which will totally work out better than the casinos and the airline and the university and the charitable foundation and the steaks and the vodka and the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula and the hydroxychloroquine and the rectal bleach injections, promise.
It’s actually gonna be pretty great to just kick back and enjoy watching history’s single least competent human being fail, now that we don’t have to worry about hundreds of thousands of people paying for his malignant bungling with their lives.
Coming in 2022 from Disney+: Marvel’s OILY SCUMFUCK TEAM-UP! Multi-shirt-clad grease can Steve Bannon apparently hopes to ride disgraced sexual torture aficionado Eric Greitens back to political relevance, I guess because Jeffrey Epstein was busy. They’re going to have serious trouble staffing that campaign, since anyone who walks into any room containing those two gurgling fountains of vileness instantaneously develops bubonic plague, irritable bowel syndrome, and leprosy, all at once. There is no mask thick enough.
Five years ago, I would’ve laughed my ass off that anyone would waste good money attempting to rehabilitate a scandal-wrecked trashpile like Greitens, but having lived through the Turd Reich, I understand now that shitty people capable of profoundly immoral acts are precisely the type of folks the seething, grievance-fueled Republican base wants in charge*.
Now that the shiny new Senate Democratic majority has had its first sweet, stimulating taste of accomplishing positive change for the American people, they’ve gone absolutely apeshit over the stuff, aggressively pursuing their ridiculously ambitious and equally popular agenda like a ravenous mob of progress-crazed legislation junkies. Anybody out there still think Biden and Schumer are essentially Diet Republicans? Bueller?
Senate Republicans are right where they deserve to be, the collaborating bastards: sweating under the hot lights, defending the weak-ass excuses they make for their ruthless obstruction of the people’s will. Come to think of it, why DO they oppose all this good, good stuff, which the public clearly wants? Ask one, and they’ll bloviate for hours about their vaguely-defined values, but everyone understands the real answer is simply, “well, sure, but remember, we’re paid to protect institutional white supremacy.”
However, if you use your Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder ring, you can see right through the bullshit. For example, when Georgia Congresscreep Jody Hice says Washington, D.C. can’t be a state because it lacks a car dealership, (even this meaningless detail is a lie, by the way, because fucking of course it is) what he MEANS is, “There is no goddamn way we’re giving two Senators to a community with that many Black people; shit, you’re lucky we don’t try to carve out six or seven additional Dakotas.”
Another huge legislative battleground these days is, of course, voting rights. Dems want to pass their For the People Act, to protect and expand voting rights for all Americans, while Republicans, understandably, realize such a bill would bring about a degree of accountability that would force them to abandon their unpopular It is of Vital Strategic Importance to Further Enrich the Koch Family platform.
Mitch McConnell even tried his hand, er, flipper at Big Lie-telling, shamelessly insisting, “states are not engaging in trying to suppress voters whatsoever,” even as Republican legislatures across the country have introduced more than 250 new voter suppression measures, everything short of “y’think we could get away with nuking polling places in minority neighborhoods from space?”
Yertle’s feeble gaslighting feels especially sinister during a week when Brian Kemp, abusing the powers of the Georgia governorship he stole using every dirty vote suppression tactic in the book, signed the Jim Crow Snyder Cut into law. It’s the most sickeningly anti-American thing I’ve seen since…ok, January 6th wasn’t that long ago, but you get my point.
It’s now a crime in Georgia to give water to an American citizen waiting hours in line to vote, yes, the very line the state has done absolutely everything within its awesome power to lengthen, well, at least in the precincts where THOSE PEOPLE live. That’s the kind of brazenness a 6-3 Supreme Court majority buys ya.
Of course, no fascistic signing ceremony is complete without the spectacle of armed thugs, clad in the uniform of the state, dragging a Black lawmaker (state Rep. Park Cannon) away in handcuffs for the high crime of knocking on Kemp’s office door, a nifty bit of jackbooted authoritarian theatre sure to delight the increasingly radicalized Republican base.
We’re talking about gun control, too, because fools that we are, we forgot to plan for the immediate resumption of mass shootings that would inevitably accompany any successful nationwide vaccination program; heaven forbid we use a year of traumatic isolation to learn to live alongside our neighbors in harmony.
Gun control is one of those issues where you really want a country where none of the major political parties is a death cult, ideally, but it seems that ship has sailed. The Republican position is fierce, almost religious determination to arm every single future would-be murderer, whether they intend to target dozens of strangers in a crowded public space, or just one special romantic partner, because the Constitution clearly states the Congress shall make no law infringing upon the whims of any rage-warped, pencil-dicked dude who has taken it upon himself to cut short some human life.
Ted Cruz, clearly rejuvenated from his luxuriant Cancún getaway, snarled condescendingly through all the well-worn talking points, deriding as “ridiculous theatre” the attempts of his non-ghoul colleagues to curtail the senseless slaughter his bought-and-paid-for caucus unleashes on the American public at the behest of his gun lobbyist masters. Say what you will about Cruz, even after four years of vigorously licking Donald Trump’s boots, he still fellates Wayne LaPierre’s donor-funded Santonis with the enthusiasm of an intern on his very first day.
I see Tedward has some anaphrodisiac new merch for sale, and while I understand we’re in for a few years of cringe-inducing Trump impersonations from the 2024 GOP presidential field, one thing I can tell you right now is you can’t build a cult of personality around a personality as inescapably loathsome as the one perched behind Rafael Edward Cruz’s shitty, shitty beard. Cannot be done. That said, watching the most punchable lump of undiluted pomposity walking God’s green Earth attempt to inspire adoration looks to be a source of regular diversion.
Now, the Biden/Harris Administration has, to date, been a machine that keeps promises and exceeds expectations, wasting little time in rolling out the stimulus measures enacted under the American Rescue Plan, (got my check; the beer fridge is sufficiently stocked to ride out the weekend, anyway) and straight-up doubling their initial First 100 Days™️ vaccination goal. The contrast with the previous regime’s Whine All the Time While Thousands Die Daily record is…stark.
So naturally, Republicans are desperate to change the subject. They spun the Wingnut Distraction Wheel, which landed on “racist fear-mongering,” probably because every space on the Wingnut Distraction Wheel says “racist fear-mongering.” Anyway, they’re doing their damnedest to create the impression of some sort of border immigration crisis where none exists, because you have that kind of spare time once you formally rule out working on your constituents’ behalf.
You may recall this tactic from the LOCK YOUR DOORS SWEET JESUS IT’S A MIGRANT CARAVAN freakout preceding the 2018 midterms. On the other hand, you may not recall it, on account of the way it failed so spectacularly back then; and I mean FAILED, like not just Ted Cruz’s beard, but the mutant offspring of Ted Cruz’s beard and Donald Trump Jr.’s beard, a hypothetical anti-beard so shabby and sad, to look directly upon it would be to go mad.
Our old chum, vanquished insurrectionist Sidney Powell, like many a conservative rat corned by the law before her, took trembling refuge behind the C’mon Judge, You’d Have to be a Meth-Addled Fuckwit to Believe One Word of the Batshit Insane Garbage That Drops, Turd-Like, From My Lying Mouth defense, and she’s certainly not wrong. Trouble is, there’re a few more meth-addled fuckwits, willing to blindly swallow whatever batshit insane garbage that drops, turd-like, from the obviously lying mouths of known con artists than we initially thought. A few tens of millions more, actually.
I see the Hairplug That Ate Decency summoned four would-be Ohio Senators down to Marm-A-Lago for a rousing round of competitive groveling, because the endorsement of an electorally humiliated fascist lacking the mental capacities necessary to successfully close an umbrella is a desirable thing in 2021’s supremely healthy Republican Party.
Wait till you see the obstacle course, campers. You know that thing where the dealership gives a car away to whoever’s able to keep a hand on it the longest? It’s like that, only with suckling the open sores on Donald Trump’s carbuncled orange ass. Have fun with this life you’ve chosen for yourselves.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels phoned into Laura Ingraham’s White Grievance Variety Sho to insist the lynch mob he whipped into a frenzy on January 6th was “zero threat,” which I suppose is more or less true, give or take 140 law enforcement casualties and 5 corpses.
But even Axis Sally shut the Deposed, Diminished Dotard down when he tried to bust out the ol’ Big Lie, probably because she’s worried that once all these voting machine company defamation lawsuits are done with Fux Nooz, they’ll need to seize that autographed copy of Mein Kampf Rupert Murdoch got her last Xmas to cover the damages.
Dear lord, that’s more than enough for one week. Take care of yourselves out there, my friends, and may all your breakfast cereals remain generally shrimp-free.
*Because they’re Nazis, you see.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Isn’t it stupefying that Ted Cruz called gun control talk after the Boulder supermarket shootings was theatre, and then, he goes to the border with 18 other government licensed terrorist senators, to ride in heavily armed Border Patrol boats to seek out children seeking asylum.
Not stupefying. It’s Cancun Cruz! There’s not an honest or logical bone in his fat blob of a body!
Particularly excellent tonight, Cap!! Loved your GA routine with our crooked Gov. Brian UnKempt. Signing the bill with mostly fat all white dudes was a particularly clever move, especially when even UnKempt is worried about the Rethuglican party’s loss of women voters. Wonder why that happens?
Chuckling up a storm with the Trump social media and leprosy paragraphs, but the whole thing is a tour de force as usual. Cap’s email is always a highlight!
I keep wondering if the ACLU or Southern Poverty Law Center or someone will be able to bring suit against their shitting idiotic stupidity, before the next election.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I want a Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder Ring! If you can create a comic out of thin air, surely you can create a decoder ring. I want to be first on the wait list! Another amazing column. I did think we might be past at least a little bit of this stupid bullshit after the election, but I guess not. At least I don’t have to see the former guy’s ugly mug and hear his nails-on-a-blackboard voice all the time, but there’s still plenty of stupid to go around. Thanks for making it tolerable and making me laugh about it!
Oh, my god, the beards, the beards comment. I’m still laughing and it’s a gray, cold morning. Thanks for the laughs and especially your unique perspective. They help keep me from loosing it. While the ‘former guy’ is mostly gone there are still way too many totally evil people out there who want to destroy my country and it’s democracy. Thank heaven we have your more than unique voice to help with the resistance. You really are a treasure…and yes, I want a Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder Ring also. Stay safe and hopefully you’ll be eligible for those shots soon.
Another triumph, Cap.
“you can’t build a cult of personality around a personality as inescapably loathsome as the one perched behind Rafael Edward Cruz’s shitty, shitty beard.” Uh, don’t we still have a personality cult around an inescapably loathsome open sore, currently infesting Merde a Lardo? I guess the GQP actually has sufficient room under their “big tent” to accommodate a seemingly infinite supply of loathsome, incompetent, racist turdmaggots. (btw – adios Strunk & White – Shower Cap is my new writing style guide.)
One more thing – I enjoy reading the comments almost as much as the Cap’s blog.
On the subject of decoder rings – when a genius like the Cap shares the truth with us, it doesn’t have to be decoded. Meanwhile the republikkkans’ decoder rings are all defective, because the secret message is always “we’re all racist assholes”.
Unlike MSM, Cap didn’t fear for his ratings or relevance upon the departure of Former Guy, knowing full well there was an endless supply of ratfuckery ahead to mock and righteously demonize. Yesterday, Warnock masterfully tried to redirect their rapt attention from the incessant filibuster-buster flap to the REAL question they should be asking: With 50 (R)s in the Senate, why can’t they seem to muster at least 10 who believe people should vote, hunnnnhhh? Apparently, that poser hasn’t yet occurred to the intrepid press that brought us Cheeto.
Count me in on the decoder ring merch, should you ever design one, Cap. Meanwhile, glad to see the Shower Battalion is spending Spring Break safely at their keyboards, rather than a Miami Beach bistro. Stay well, y’all!
Oh, Cap, your license to practice medicine (the one issued by Trump University) in in danger.
Dontcha remember? Bleach goes into a vein in the arm and a LIGHTBULB gets crammed up the patient’s ass!! The Donald (lead instructor) told us that in his “Covid for the Mentally Impaired” seminar – the one with Dr. Deborah Burke rolling her eyes and Dr. Fauci facepalming himself.
And how do I get a Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder Ring? I must have this latest fashion accessory! I’ll send a modest amount of cash (enough for a sixer of Cap’s favorite brew) and two boxtops from our leader’s favorite breakfast beer… ah, CEREAL if I can just have that ring. Perchance it will assist me in decoding the gibberish spouted by white, conservative Republicans… one can always hope.
Watch out with medical advice. You have to get straight. You DRINK the bleach and shine a flashlight up your butthole. It’s fun at parties but you want one of those 16 battery tactical beauties to get full effect. A penlight, while more comfy, doesn’t cut it.
It is stunning how scumbaggery like say, the Republicans unrelenting goal of destroying Democracy that has been going on since I listened to FDR encourage the war effort in a fireside chat, has become mainstream. That orange thing was just to test the depth which surprised even an ancient sceptic in Cave Creek AZ. There ain’t no bottom to it.
This Georgia business smells like it is designed to be litigated all the way to the top and the rallying cry will be ‘We’re victims trying to pertec yer votin rats’ or some such.
You’d think we elected Abe Lincoln or something.
This blog was exceptionally funny, had me giggling all the way through. I am absolutely horrified at the voter suppression measures just passed in Georgia. Talk about sore losers! Someone on twitter last night remarked that if this was still in effect in 2022, they planned to go to Georgia, find the longest line they could, and start passing out water bottles in defiance, then asked “Who’s with me?” This got me wondering if there won’t be a massive protest and civil disobedience involving getting people to the polls and keeping them hydrated, at least. I’d be willing to go.
Anyway, thanks for the laughs, and enjoy your beer. I’ll have one in your honor!
Ive never been arrested but at age 65, it may be time. Let me know where, I’ll be handing out H20.
In fact, let’s make it Coke!
Here is one more request for your Official Shower Cap Decoder Ring, please. (Also, how can I get a copy of your comic??)
Another pisser (high praise) I’ve learned to strap on a Depends before reading your posts- jk… but I have needed to change more than once!
Thank you bigly, for finding humor in the vapid, crazed, insanity that we’re living through…
“I hope you haven’t put your fascist-stompin’ boots in storage just yet. ”
CNN needs some stomping. Our Corporate Overlords, including CNN,, are trying to rewrite the history of the 4 year reign of Republican terror. A corrupt Supreme Court, allowed Foreign (Putin) money to buy and sell elections, and turn the Republican Party into KKK Death Cult 45. And they tried an Insurrection, aided and abetted by at least one member of the Court, Clarence Thomas. Chief Justice John Roberts also told us Jimmy Crow was gone. But Jimmy controls the Supreme Court.
Then there is CNN letting the COVID Virus Superspreader Robert Redfield superspread more lies and viruses. One year of Epidemic lies is not enough. CNN and Sanjay Gupta also promote Deborah Birx who admitted falsifying epidemic data. It is amazing there are only 600k dead.
Redfield played the game successfully, and CNN continues to help him. Remember, call it a Democratic Hoax, promote HCL, give bad tests, ration vaccines. And that is how you get an uncontrolled epidemic! The audio, Woodward recorded revealed that, TurdMaggot and others certainly knew the potential danger of COVID. They pretended to be merely incompetent, as they deliberately created the epidemic (and gave insider Stock info to their friends). The Game is: Nothing is true, Anything is true. “It, the virus, is a hoax”, “TurdMaggot saved millions of lives with the best people”. “The Doctors and Nurses were letting people die to make money, and stealing PPE.” But TurdMaggot secretly got the Vaccine, and his Governors, such as DeSantis give the vaccines to the “White” people. TurdMaggot’s Epidemic will exceed the 1918 Epidemic fatalities (murders?) in a few months.
Plant me squarely in the Want a ShowerCap Decoder Ring raised garden bed. Beer money will follow delivery!
Cap: Would love to hear your take on the Birx interview on CNN. What is wrong with that woman?
Hey, Cap, really want to buy you a beer, or 12, but can’t work the app. Is there some other way to do this? Cindy