Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope Lisa Murkowski Lets You Have Another One!
Well, Happy Thanksgiving, Resisters! This year I find myself shockingly appreciative for the absence of an initiated-by-a-pissing-contest-between-the-two-least-secure-men-on-the-planet nuclear war, so I’ll give thanks for that, and for Special Counsel Bob Mueller and his team.
Let’s get the madness out of the way so we can enjoy all the traditional thanksgiving foods, except maybe yams, which seem somehow sinister this year.
Naturally, Donnie Two-Scoops couldn’t get through a simple turkey-pardoning ceremony without his pathetic obsession with his predecessor surfacing. He then retreated to the Oval Office, pulled out the portrait of Obama he keeps in the top drawer of his desk, and attempted to flog himself, but his tiny, tiny hands couldn’t wrap around the flail.
The Shart’s FCC chairman, Amit Pai, unveiled his plan to kick net neutrality in the junk, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. I dunno. I think the problem’s probably overblown a bit. When have corporations ever worked against the interests of their consumers? And why do crowbar-wielding Pinkertons turn up at my door every time I try accessing Consumer Reports now?
Moving over to the State Department…y’know what, let me just quote this in its entirety:
“A group of about a dozen U.S. State Department officials have taken the unusual step of formally accusing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson of violating a federal law designed to stop foreign militaries from enlisting child soldiers, according to internal documents reviewed by Reuters.”
WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?!?!? Look, I know that, despite our fantasies regarding our nation’s goodness, the United States doesn’t always wear the white hat, but surely we can do better than “Aw shucks, what’re a few child soldiers between friends?” Right?
Remember, Low-T Rex said he only took the SoS job, which he is tragically unqualified for, because his wife said “God” wanted him to. You might wanna check in with this “God” fellah sometime, I don’t think he’s super into child soldiers.
Or maybe this is the same “God” that told Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum to run for the President, in which case you’ve confused “God” with an otherworldly prankster, some sort of cosmic Johnny Knoxville.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet apparently wants to appoint a political hack with no experience to run the census, just another one of those things that would have been a front page scandal under any other President, but which barely registers at all in the eye of the shitstorm we endure every single motherfucking day now.
I guess Paul Manafort, and his shitty little sidekick, Rick Gates, have been granted conditional release from house arrest to attend Thanksgiving festivities. They have to tell the court where they’re going, and they’re not allowed to remove their ankle bracelets or drink booze. Plus they’ll be accompanied by an FBI agent who kidney punches them every hour on the hour.
Ok, I made that last part part up. But a guy can dream, can’t he?
In Potentially Really Awful News, Alaska’s Lisa Murkowski, a key vote in sinking the Pleb-Slaughtering Drumpfcare bill a few weeks back, wrote an op-ed expressing support for repealing the ACA’s individual mandate in the Republican tax “reform” bill.
That this would raise premiums for millions, steal insurance from millions more, and politically annihilate the GOP in 2018 seems lost on Senator Murkowski. Hey, if anybody reading this knows anybody in Alaska…for real, pester them to pester their Senator. Lives are on the line, folks.
Speaking of the tax bill, the Tax Policy Center says this conservative monstrosity could reduce charitable giving by between 12 and 20 billion dollars, just in 2018. Neat. We really are remaking the whole country in the image of our shitty grifter first family. Maybe we can carve out a deduction for purchasing paintings of yourself.
This whole Roy Moore thing is like an Adam Sandler movie; you sort of futilely hope it won’t keep getting worse, but you know better.
So it wasn’t much of a surprise when we heard from a police officer telling stories of being specifically assigned to keep Roy “I am a grown ass man in his thirties” Moore away from the cheerleaders at high school football games.
Hey, I don’t want to pass judgment on anybody, but if you need YOUR OWN PERSONAL COP TO KEEP YOU FROM SEXUALLY HARASSING HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS, you should seriously think about locking yourself in the basement forever.
Now, one of Roy’s “defenders” says the would-be Senator dated such girls because he was attracted to their “purity,” which I sincerely thought would be the grossest part of today’s post, but goddamn if another Republican didn’t top it. More on that in a minute (I’m saying this so you can get yourself a barf bag before scrolling down further.)
Naturally President Pussygrabber came to Moore’s defense. He said, of the surge in accusations of sexual assault, that “I’m very happy a lot of these things are coming out. I’m very happy it’s being exposed,” and that “Women are very special.”
Except for the 9 women who accused Moore of sexual assault. And the 16 women that accused Trump himself of sexual assault. Those women aren’t special, they are lying whores. Anyone who accuses Al Franken is special though. Basically, women are special if they accuse a a Democrat, but they’re filthy Jezebels if they accuse anyone in a MAGA hat.
With the recent avalanche of sexual assault accusations against powerful men in fields ranging from politics to journalism to entertainment, there’s this strange triumphal smugness from a certain corner of the right-wing Creeposphere, proclaiming vindication for the so-called “Pence Rule.” If you’ve forgotten, this is Mikey Hairshirt’s policy of refusing to ever be alone in a room with a woman. Some wingnuts claim this protects men from temptation, others say it’s a proactive defense against false accusations of sexual assault.
And, hey, if refusing one-on-one meetings with women permanently cuts half the population off from access to the halls of power, so be it, right? Most hilarious are the neanderthals treating Pencey-Poo like some sort of Sexual Politics Visionary, and not a seriously revolting pervert who fears his own sexual impulses and who is almost certainly wearing a WWI-era gas mask and fucking a can of cranberry sauce as you read this.
I guess John Kelly is doing all he can to diminish young Jared Kushner‘s “portfolio,” for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that he’s a blistering idiot who doesn’t know anything about anything. I dunno, General. If a red-blooded All-American boy who got rich by being a rich guy’s son can’t bring peace to the Middle East while simultaneously eliminating government waste and fixing the DC Comics cinematic universe, who can?
Just to season the injury with a little insult, Palestinian Authority chairman Mahmoud Abbas refused to take Jar-Jar’s call, because we’re past the point where anybody anywhere takes him seriously.
See where the government of the United States is selling Shartboy’s shitty wine in national park gift shops? I tell ya, for a dude who lacks even a passing interest in any of the issues an American President should be dealing with, Don the Con has hella tight grift game.
What next? Sarah Huckabee Sanders schilling crappy, well-done, streaks from the briefing room podium? A mini-Trump University at the Citadel? Rupert Murdoch buys Vogue in a frantic attempt to make too-long neckties stylish?
An ethics complaint has been filed against Kellyanne Conway, who quite clearly violated the Hatch Act with her statements about Roy Moore and Doug Jones in recent days. Amongst the emoluments violations and the treason and the mass deportations and Jeff Sessions throwing every non-white person he comes across into a private prison, Hatch Act violations seem kinda quaint, but hey, they nailed Al Capone on tax evasion, right?
Senator Tom Carper told CNN interviewers about President Spit Bucket at a Napa Valley Orange Crush Tasting calling in to a tax meeting, and babbling like a moron until the participants faked a bad connection to get him off the phone so the grown-ups could keep talking. Some details were disputed, but it mostly seems to be a matter of how polite Gary Cohn was in dismissing the Rambling Toddler in Chief.
And the Drumpf Organization backed out of their partnership in their SoHo hotel, the latest massive humiliating business failure for the dude who was elected President allegedly for being such a good businessman. The Shart of the Deal strikes again.
NBC reports one of Mike Flynn’s business partners is now being investigated by Bob Mueller and his team of investigators/lawyers/samurai warriors, serving as your casual reminder that, though it’s seemingly been normalized, HOLY SHIT THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES WAS AN UNREGISTERED FOREIGN AGENT, with all the access to classified intel that implies.
As for Shartleby the Scrivener himself, well, he Twitter-yelled at some black people some more, and then he went golfing. His staff admitted he was going golfing, but then pretended he was doing Fancy Important Things Instead of Golfing, but everybody fucking knows that he just went golfing.
Hey, before we close out this holiday post, how would you like a little GOPEEN?
Representative Joe Barton is happy to oblige! Joe apparently had himself a relationship with a woman he imagined would partake of the sight of his nude, snowman-shrieking-in-horror-as-it-melts-in-the-sun pasty ol’ bod, and it would just make her goddamn day.
Anyway, it’s now a gift Barton has shared with the whole world, so if you want to get all Roman with your Thanksgiving dinner, find yerself a vomitorium*, whip out your pocket-Barton on your phone to induce purging, and go back for that third slice of pecan pie!
(Ugh. While I was putting tonight’s post together, I saw this Vanity Fair deep-dig into That One Time President Shartcannon Leaked Highly Classified Information to the Russians Right in the Oval Fucking Office. Remember that? Or is it one more detail lost in the daily bludgeoning?)
Well, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. Enjoy your meals and your families and your friends, Resisters. Be sure to drink all that booze Paul Manafort can’t have!
*Yes, I know the whole vomitorium thing isn’t real. Let a man have his jokes, wouldja?