Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
“Hey Wilbur, Nice Cans!” And Other Sordid Tales of Fist-Pounding and Deer Cum
Today I found myself, on my couch, in my bathrobe, blogging about the intersection of politics and deer spunk, and I confess I’m uncertain how I got there. Life is strange. Anyhow, the news:
Let me begin with an apology. I try to provide a reasonably comprehensive news round-up here, and I must confess…this week, I have failed you. While there was certainly a fuckton of nonsense to document, it was inexcusable of me to have overlooked the story of Rowan County, Kentucky Clerk/Celebrity Bigot Kim Davis writing a book about her encounters with, oh dear, “furious, fist-pounding homosexual men.”
Wow. Surely, it will adapted into an art film, titled POUND ME BY YOUR FIST, starring Armie Hammer.
After the Mueller investigation brought charges against several Russian entities for interfering in our elections, and after Putin smirked his way through a video showing Russian nukes targeting Florida, the President finally marshaled the full force of his pulpit and his office to strike back at the Kremlin.
Wait, did I say “the Kremlin?” I mean “Alec Baldwin.”
…on the other hand, Baldwin just immediately marched back out on SNL to mock him all over again, and I’m sure Putin would’ve done the same.
What’s this? Hope Hicks may have kept a diary chronicling her time in the Shart House? DISHY! My sources tell me each entry starts with a lengthy documentation of the hour-by-hour accumulation of food stains on his shirt and tie.
Anyway, publishers are reportedly engaged in a bloody struggle over rights to the diary, with several offering multi-million-dollar advances that would be paid directly to her legal team, for convenience. Bob Mueller won’t be able offer her quite so much, but he’ll sure subpoena the shit out of it.
More fun in Kentucky, as we learned of a front in the culture war that everybody assumed had been dealt with sometime in the early 20th century: child brides! Yes, some folks in Kentucky want to make child marriage illegal, because SOMEHOW IT WASN’T ALREADY, but the bill has been held up, because…well, because some folks don’t WANT child marriage to be illegal. Apparently. Zounds.
Somebody tell J.D. Vance he left a verse or two out of his Hillbilly Elegy.
The Blue Wave continues to build, with Texas Democrats turning out in numbers sure to put a nervous tremor in Ted Cruz’ phony preacher voice. And Conor Lamb’s got ’em sweating deep in Trump Country, Pennsylvania.
Rumor has it that Rambunctious Robert Mueller is askin’ witnesses fun questions like “Hey, is the nation’s foreign policy based around Jared Kushner’s desperate quest for cash?” “Did America facilitate the blockade crisis in Qatar because they didn’t want to piss money away on Jar-Jar’s stupid Manhattan skyscraper?” and “Are you seriously fucking kidding me with this shit?”
And the Failing New York Times reports Mueller’s investigation has found a whole new drawer to poke around in, this one full of mismatched socks and also possible pay-to-play influencing by the United Arab Emirates through some dopey-lookin’ fucker named George Nader.
And we all went “Ohhhhhhhhh…fucking of COURSE. We’ve all been so focused on Russia, we never bothered to think that when a candidate/President is known to be for sale, OF COURSE there’s gonna be more than just one buyer lined up.” DUH.
Donald J. Trump, (The “J” stands for “I’ve failed at everything from steaks to airlines to casinos to my shitty fake university) assured us that winning trade wars is super easy, nothing to it, and then merrily returned to cheating at Candyland with Barron.*
Littlefinger also dispatched the Raisin of Populism, Wilbur Ross, to defend the new steel and aluminum taxes he decided to unleash on the American public. Wilbur playfully offered that the increased steel cost would raise the price of a $35,000 automobile “only” 1/2 of 1%, because he is super in touch with the average American’s finances. And truly, who among us doesn’t have a spare $175 to piss away to placate the ego of a rampaging Manbaby playing recklessly with the global economy like the neighbor kid’s toys?
Especially those who work for Harley-Davidson, or in the Kentucky Bourbon industry, already surfacing as early targets for retaliation?
Anyway, if this leads, as some are speculating, to a spike in canned beer prices, I’m buyin’ a tricorn hat and digging a motherfucking trench, goddammit.
Speaking of of the tariffs, Trumpal Bud Carl Icahn just so happened, a couple days before the announcement, to dump more than $30 million worth of stock in a company that took quite a tumble when the President decided to kick them right in the supply chain with higher steel prices.
Now, some folks are accusing Donnie Dotard of insider trading, of fucking over most of the country just so he and his palz can profit, but I’ll thank you not to impugn our President’s clearly impeccable honesty, sir! GLOVE SLAP!
The knock on John Kelly is, while he was an effective military leader, he lacks the familiarity and skill in the political realm to be effective in his current post. Well I ask you, WOULD AN UNSKILLED POLITICAL OPERATIVE NEEDLESSLY BRING UP A MAJOR SCANDAL, TOTALLY UNPROMPTED, DAYS AFTER THE MEDIA HAD ALREADY MOVED ON?
…apparently he would. And did. Lordy.
So, the increasingly popular Sixty Leakers Describe White House Chaos genre took a dark turn over the weekend. We’ve left behind the heady days of “Ha ha they can’t even find the light switches,” in favor of “Holy shit, we’ve got an unstable idiot blowing up the global economy because nobody remembered to change his diaper.”
Yeah, when you read shit describing the President’s mental state using terms like “unglued” and “pure madness,” you really start thinking about maybe digging a bunker, amiright? And then somebody mentions, “Hey, all this shit has gone down during relatively stable times, what the fuck would this assclown do if he had to deal with an actual crisis?”
…you know Justin Trudeau is at least THINKING about invading. Sneak in, while everybody’s running around like headless chickens…occupy Montana, maybe a little bit of New England. He’d be greeted as a liberator.
Devin Nunes, whose professional life is devoted to destroying the American intelligence/law-enforcement community in service to a treasonous gangster (and whose personal life is devoted to the fucking of pigs) wants you to know that the REAL danger to the country is Stephen Colbert laughing at him.
That’s a sitting congressman’s checklist of Threats to the Republic: Free speech and law enforcement. Cool.**
I tell you what, when Devin finally, FINALLY gets his comeuppance, it’s gonna be like watching Joffrey Baratheon’s last drink.
Lou Dobbs continues to audition for the anchor gig on his long-dreamed-of, post-apocalyptic, State TV propaganda station, screeching like a community theatre actor playing Ophelia about how Jeff Sessions has had his mind taken over by the nanobots the government injects into the water supply during so-called “fluoridation,” and how the AG needs to be fired, and also probably dismembered at the crossroads and burned.
The Florida Senate briefly passed a two-year moratorium on AR-15 sales, but then went, “Aw, you thought we cared more about our constituents’ lives than our sweet, sweet, NRA money? APRIL FOOL!!!!” and then un-passed it, I guess just because they’re dicks.
But they still want to give guns to teachers. I bet the Florida teacher with the white supremacist podcast will be first in line, you fucking geniuses.
Well, the VA Secretary seems to be descending into madness and paranoia as well, that’s fun. David Shuklin’s all mad because the President can bill the Secret Service thousands of dollars to pee, but he can’t seem to get away with one little ol’ trip to Wimbledon, or sending his taxpayer-funded security detail to pick up his dry cleaning, no fair!
(Meanwhile, Ben Carson’s over in the corner, calling up Shulkin at all hours of the day and just breathing heavily into the phone, figuring if his Cabinetmate explodes, maybe the world won’t notice when he sneaks that vintage Wooton secretary in through the HUD back door.)
My friends, I know the news can be depressing, and I really don’t want to break your back with yet another sad story, but I feel it’s my duty to keep y’all informed.
So it is with a heavy heart that I report Judge Roy Moore finds himself in dire financial straits. Turns out child molestin’ ain’t cheap, especially when you’re getting your pervy old ass sued for defamation by one of your accusers.
Pity poor Roy, who really, REALLY needed that Senator’s salary to pay the pedophilia piper, only to be denied by the dastardly voters of Alabama who so selfishly chose the candidate who wasn’t a fucking monster.
I’m willing to send something to the Judge. Do you think his kickstarter accepts cat shit?
And CNN got ahold of some tape of Government Cheese Goebbels talking to the shitty rich idiots who finance the assault on American democracy known as the Republican Party, where he talks about how cool it is that Xi Jinping gets to be President 4 Lyfe over in China, and how he’d really like to be that kind of dictator when he grows up, then he could have all the military parades he wants, though never the love and approval of the father who shipped him off to military school, SAD.
Anyway, comforting to know our President is still looking lustily at authoritarian regimes, free from all those silly encumbrances, like “a free press” and “voters,” isn’t it? Maybe we’ll even see re-education camps added to the official Republican platform come 2020!
Maybe we’re lucky that the Spraytan Sultan’s thirst for dictatorship is so completely overmatched by his profound laziness. He hit a sloth milestone this weekend, with his 100th (and, for that matter, 101st) day of golf since taking office. I just like to assume it’s the MAGA crowd’s tax money that pays for that shit.
Anyway, all of this is trivial.
The REAL news of the week comes from the Great State of Texas, where a primary challenger for a state House seat is financing her campaign largely with deer semen.
Now, I saw that headline and assumed this meant “money from the deer semen industry.” That is not the case. We are, in fact, talking about $51,000 worth of actual deer semen. The article doesn’t stipulate exactly how much deer semen that would be, and I’m pretty grateful for that.
Anyway. There’s probably something I missed, but as William Shakespeare said, “Always leave ’em thinking about deer semen.”
**Not actually cool.