Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
If These are the Best People, God Save Us From the Fourth Best
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I no longer live in the real world. Somehow I fell into some mediocre novelist’s vanity project, heavily influenced by Clancy, le Carré, Seuss, Birthday-Party-era Nick Cave, and far-too-readily-available cheap weed. It’s not fair, and I hate it, but I’ll keep documenting it all the same. Please send help.*
By now, you’ve probably heard that asbestos is back, bay-bay! Our President is such a raving-egomaniac-slash-Russian-puppet that he will literally reintroduce a known carcinogen to the citizens of the country he is entrusted with protecting if the manufacturer slaps his swollen, vacant, face on the packaging. Heaven help us.
Six weeks, asbestos won’t just be allowed, it’ll be mandatory. Happy meal toys will just be asbestos bricks. Asbestos bidets in all public restrooms. And some third asbestos joke, write it yourself, I’m fucking tired, probably from asbestos poisoning.
Wouldja believe that the preceding story is actually not the only one about the American government trying to poison the American people with toxic chemicals? Fuck, it’s 2018, of course you would. It took intervention from a fucking court to get the Drumpf EPA to ban a pesticide that causes brain damage in children. Are we at the point, finally, when THE LEGALITY OF CHEMICALS THAT CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE IN CHILDREN is a partisan issue?
I’m dedicating the rest today’s entry to Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Remember that time I lost a spelling bee to a donut?”) and those who surround and enable him…the famous “Best People.” Let’s see what the Rectum Parade is up to these days, in their spare time, when they’re running the American government rather than trying to kill the Batman.
Forbes went poking through The Sleepiest Best Person Wilbur Ross’ closet, possibly during one of his semi-hourly naps, and discovered he’s grifted as much as $120 million over his lifetime of white collar crime. You can certainly see why he gets on so well with Boss Shart.
While we’re on Wilbur, apparently he woke up just long enough to order California wildfire fighters to use water designated to protect endangered species in their efforts, even though the firefighters have repeatedly said that they don’t need to. Any minute now, Il Douche will order the Marines to the Galápagos Islands just to kick the tortoises.
Here’s a tricky one: what do you do when two of the Best People are fighting each other? Cuz after this week in court, Precocious Paul Manafort and Rascally Rick Gates will no longer be exchanging Arbor Day cards, methinks.
Gates is all “we committed so many crimes together, because we were young and in love…with crimes,” and Manafort was all, “you had an affair!” and Gates was all, “And I paid for it with money I embezzled from you!” and Paul was all “I am so #Manafucked!” and Gates was all, “Yarp. Shoulda taken that plea deal, Son.”
ProPublica published a special profile of some of the Best People That You Didn’t Even Know About, how fun! Seems the Marmalade Shartcannon has outsourced a number of important government functions, including BASICALLY THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS to three of his super-rich Marm-a-Lago buddies.
Yeah. So we’re deep down the river now, almost in the Very Heart of Darkness. Shit be crayyyyyyyyyy, my friends. What do you do with the news that the fucking PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES just lets his golf buddies run the federal government? Do you crowd-fund some membership fees for actual experts and hope for the best? Or do you lose your mind and start a radical new civilization someplace the hand of man has yet to touch? I’m on the fence.
New York CongressJag Chris Collins was one of the Oldest Best People, Shart Garfunkel’s very first congressional endorser, and he just got rather thoroughly indicted for insider trading. Like the truly elite GOP grifters, Collins has been paying his legal fees out of his campaign fund, and I for one will never get sick of watching the rube army’s money evaporate in this manner. Anyhoo, Chris is going down, and perhaps dragging a few of his dirtbag co-workers with him.
Charter Best Person Betsy DeVos’ yacht is so Best, it’s too good for the stupid cuck United States of America! The DeVostator proudly flies the Cayman Islands flag from the Good Ship Plutocrat, so she doesn’t have to pay taxes on any of that money that she never worked a single passing minute of her life to earn. America First!
Anyway, Betsy announced a nationwide tour of public schools, where she will go from classroom to classroom, breaking all the poor kids’ crayons.
Best Attorney Person/Best Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani somewhat amusingly thinks he’s in some sort of position to bargain with the Mueller investigation. Rudy’s struttin’ around, settin’ deadlines, declarin’ topics off limits…he’s like a little kid playing lawyer. A little kid in a Boris Karloff mask. That he left outside on a hot summer night, so it got all melted and distended and shit.
(While we’re here, let’s all take ten steps back to wonder at how we’ve arrived at the point where we’ve normalized the concept of a “perjury trap,” which I’ll remind you means literally “an under-oath interview between law enforcement and a man who cannot stop himself from lying,” which is somehow, for reasons that have not been made clear, unfair to the liar. What the FUCK, y’all?)
In related news, Hannibal Lecter has agreed to answer most of law enforcement’s inquiries, but questions about Chianti pairings are off the table.
I think we can officially welcome Rand Paul to the ranks of the Best People, since he’s proving to be such a dutiful little errand boy, passing notes between Wee Don and Putin. I’m told Vlad was so pleased, he gave the eager young legislator a fistful of rubles with which to purchase an ice cream cone. Sources inform me Senator Paul was unable to enjoy the entire cone, however, as the resident of the neighboring hotel room punched him, because he’s so damn punchable, y’know?
Best Son Person But Only Because Jesus Fuck Have You Seen Eric? Don, Jr. tweeted out an obviously-photoshopped graphic claiming his Dirtbag Dotard Dad is more popular than getting a blow job at an IHOP or something, because he is a walnut-brained idiot, and because Dunning-Kruger is so very very real.
Best Soon-to-be-Indicted Person Roger Stone must think it’s a weird coincidence that all his closest pals keep getting subpoenaed by Rugged Robert Mueller and his crew. His buddy/alleged Wikileaks backchannel hookup Randy Credico got a shiny new subpoena, while former aide Andrew Miller is now in contempt of court for skipping out on his older, now-actually-sorta-moldy subpoena.
If you’ve got a cat, Rog…she’s getting called before that grand jury. If you ever let the litter box sit for an extra day or two? Look out.
Best TeleFascist Person Laura Ingraham went full white supremacist the other night. She’s finally free to be her true self. Maybe some day she’ll pen a life-affirming memoir, “Eat, Pray, Hate” about letting her hair down and just burning crosses in whatever lawn she goshdarn well felt like burning a cross in! It’ll be a trendy beach read for the Daily Stormer set.
Of course, now she’s trying to walk her shit back, because she wants to find that sweet spot where she can be the public face of ethnic cleansing, but still get paid, so fuck her forever.
The last aircraft carrier cost 13 billion dollars. The dipshits who couldn’t find the fucking light switches for weeks think they can start an entire branch of the military in two years for basically no money.
Well, maybe Space Mexico will pay for it. Just know that there is absolutely zero chance that this week passed without the President of the United States making pew pew pew noises while banging toy spaceships together in the Oval Office.
Big congrats go out to the Best Wife Person (For Now But You’re Getting Older So Tick-Tock, Melania) whose parents became American citizens, after coming to the U.S. via “chain migration,” a process that is horrible when utilized by brown-skinned people, but somehow magically awesome for white folks, sort of like jazz in reverse.
Best Enabling CongressPerson Devin Nunes’ heart skipped a beat when he saw the headlines about a “leaked Devin Nunes recording,” but don’t worry D, your extensive collection of porcine porno is safe for now.
Nah, this recording is the one where you confess to treasonous obstruction of justice, not the one where you fuck that animatronic Babe replica you had built in every existing orifice plus a couple you made yourself.
Best Cuck Person Ted Cruz has so little remaining dignity (and so much fear of Beto O’Rourke) that he’s begging the man who insulted his wife and father to come to his rescue on the campaign trail. It’s a testament to how completely, perfectly, dislikable Ted is, that reading this doesn’t make you feel even the slightest bit sorry for him.
Best “Democracy?!? Do we HAVE to?” Person KKKris KKKobach is in a too-close-to-call race for the Republican nomination to maybe be Governor of Kansas, and somehow thought it was appropriate to use his position as Kansas Secretary of State to oversee the recount of his own fucking election. “What?” whined KKKobach, “I just want to make sure all the white people get 1.5 votes, like in the Constitution!”
Shower Cap has obtained an advance copy of Former Best Person Omarosa’s forthcoming slam book, and golly gosh, it’s full of all sorts of unverifiable gossip! Omarosa says, and you’re NEVER gonna believe this, but…the President is a racist fellow who says racist things because of his racism GASP AND ALSO POSSIBLE FAINTING.
One time Omarosa walked into the Oval Office, and Wee Don was sitting there at the Resolute Desk holding a live ferret and he had his mouth on the ferret’s butthole because he was trying to play it like a recorder. OR SO SHE CLAIMS.
Best (Klans)Person Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III shonuff is one eagah lil’ fellah when it comes to bringin’ th’ jackbooted heel of the federal guvmint down on th’ necks of anyone who happens t’wander into his jurisdiction without the whitest of skin, isn’t he?
Seems a woman and her daughter, fleeing gang violence and applying for asylum in the United States, had been granted a hearing to appeal their deportation, but Ol’ Beau just loves deportin’ so much, he went an’ deported ‘em anyhow! “Sometimes ah just get so excited ’bout makin’ Americuh all nice n’ whaaaaayyte again, ah get ahead of muhself,” blushed AG Sessions, “But we still have laws I haveta obey. For now.”
Of course, the REAL Best People are the slobbering, brainwashed, hate-blind, lock-her-up-screeching lunatics of the BASE, and as they devolve from Deplorable into QAnon-spewing drones, you can’t help but wonder how much further they can sink. Anyway, a poll of these human urinal cakes shows about half of them want to give their Turd Emperor the power to waterboard Jim Acosta for asking him questions like some sort of JOURNALIST.
Some of these folks are just waiting for the text message alert that Kristallnacht 2.0 is a GO.
Wooooooooo…what a flock of assholes, right?
I know that keeping up with the news, day after day, can be a fucking downer, friends. Bad people doin’ bad shit. And they seem to be getting away with everything.
But today is not the last day and things will not always be the way the way are right now. So I’d like to leave you on a bit of an up note after the sixty miles of shit I just made you wade through. Because the truth is, these days I’m too inspired to feel down for very long.
What inspires me? Well, getting the new Action Guide page up for the blog site, I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know the Democratic Party’s candidates for the House and Senate, and folks…they are an impressive lot. We’re closer than ever to taking our country back. We’ve got the right team to do it. Why don’t you take a little time to get to know these people, pick out a few to pitch in and help?
Didja see what happened in Ohio on Tuesday night? We turned what shoulda been a safe Republican cakewalk into a bare-knuckle brawl. We nominated strong candidates for November, from Washington to Kansas. We beat anti-union legislation in Missouri. The only reason we’re not winning every day is, we don’t get the opportunity to take the field every day. When elections are there for us to win, we’re winning them.
And you know who else inspires me? All the players of the NFL who stared down Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s ongoing attempts to use the full force of his pulpit to squash and slander their speech, and said “Some other time, fuckface.”
Think of the courage it takes to stand up to a President doing all he can to train the racist hatred of his shitbag base right on your head. Just think of it.
Every so often you read a piece where somebody wonders if the Resistance has the staying power to outlast Trump, or if we’ll get ground down by “outrage fatigue,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to be. I know plenty of people who are tired…I don’t know anybody who’s given up.
And I’ve met so many new fighters since I started this blog. And it’s been a goddamn pleasure getting to know you.
PS – Remember Peter Smith? He popped up in the news tonight while I was writing. You read it, I’m fuckin’ drunk.