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Good god. https://t.co/KYM1LRGH5R

Keith Boykin
@keithboykin
Farmington, NM police officer Zachary Christensen has resigned after video showed him roughing up a sixth grader. The officer denied he was using excessive force on the 11-year-old girl even after a school administrator told him she is not a threat to anyone. https://t.co/Rhz6p4rS9Z



BREAKING: I led 30 cats into the room with the litter box to demand to know where the poop goes. WHERE DOES IT GO, ADAM SCHIFF?!?!?!?

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really, Want: FUCKING GUN CONTROL

Monday, August 5th, 2019

 

A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, committed mass murder on Saturday, so there aren’t going to be any jokes tonight.

A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, killed 22 human beings and wounded two dozen more. And what happens now is that the President and his party will fight like hell to make sure the next white supremacist terrorist has as few obstacles in his path as possible.

And yes, another mass shooting took place just a few hours later, in Dayton, Ohio. Not a white supremacist this time, but another angry white boy, who apparently kept a “hit list” and a “rape list” in high school, just like every other average all-American boy who should definitely be allowed to purchase firearms. But to tomorrow’s would-be mass shooters I say: fear not, the Republican Party is as devoted as ever to preserving YOUR right to slaughter as many people as you can before the cops show up.

The GOP playbook is the same as it’s always been, after decades of these completely preventable, utterly unnecessary, tragedies; dissemble, whine, and hide until the rage subsides. Once it does, go right back to the very same fear-mongering that inspires this shit in the first place. For the Republican Party, the problem today isn’t about the tragic loss of human lives, it’s about adjusting the volume knob on the propaganda machine for a few days.

Let’s cut through the crap, shall we?

They try to blame video games. The data here is clear, and it screams BULLSHIT.

They try to blame mental illness. The data here is clear, and it screams BULLSHIT.

And yeah, listening to horseshit deflections about mental illness from the very rectal boil who signed a bill reversing an Obama-era regulation designed to make it harder for people with mental illnesses to get ahold of guns is right at the top of the list of Shit I’m Not Having Today.

Meanwhile, it was House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy who trotted out that tired old video games routine, like a flea circus in an outhouse. Kevin, bro, you’re like the human appendix, you have two settings; completely useless or life-threatening.

Anyway, these devious little shitstains aren’t as dumb as they want us to think they are; they know full goddamn well this isn’t about Call of Fucking Duty, they just need an almost-plausible excuse to help them navigate an awkward television interview or two in between the latest massacre and the next NRA fundraiser. That’s the nasty truth here; they don’t want to solve the problem.

Let me say that again.

They don’t want to solve the problem.

All available data, from all over the world, tells us gun control works. But the Republican Party wants to sell more guns, not less. And they want to so much that they’ll swim through an ocean of American blood before asking the gun lobby to concede a single inch.

And so they offer the customary thoughts and prayers, as though we’re not onto hollowness of that particular scam. Kids, you make a mockery of the very concept of rational thought, and that you have the audacity to invoke prayer is blasphemy that makes Lucifer blush. Take your thoughts and your prayers and shove them up your ass; in fact, propel them backwards through your entire digestive system till they rocket back out of your mewling coward’s mouths.

Of course, I’m always amazed at the way Hairplug Himmler responds to the violence he causes. The bar is so low; we know he’s a sociopath, we know he’s a white supremacist, we expect atrocity from his every word, but like the Thomas Edison of hate, he keeps discovering innovative new ways to tear this country apart.

Like, imagine if George W. Bush had reacted to 9/11 by telling America “Maybe this bin Laden fellah went a smidge too far, but we really oughta listen to some of what he’s sayin’!” Because that’s exactly what this stool sample of a man did, regurgitating his old attacks on the media, using the very same rhetoric about “fake news” found in the terrorist’s manifesto, even as some of his hospitalized victims struggled through the last hours of their lives.

Even after this rhetoric previously incited another American terrorist to mail 16 bombs to those he perceived as his Turd Emperor’s enemies. Even after the Capitol Gazette shooting.

He knows his words inspire terrorists to kill, and he

Still

Won’t

Stop.

And folks, I don’t know if there’s been a more perfect encapsulation of our sociopath president’s attitude towards gun violence than his inability to even retain the name of the grieving community long enough to muddle through a brief, painfully insincere, TelePrompTer speech. “Toledo, Dayton, alive, slaughtered-like-cattle-in-a-hail-of-gunfire, who gives a shit, I’d rather be watching TV, and in fact fuck you for making me give this speech.”

P.S., the usual suspects in the pundit class giddily praised this “change in tone,” (from the terrifying environment of the regularly-held Klan rallies that are now a fact of life in our country, I guess) delighted at the opportunity to be seen publicly taking Trump’s side, a welcome offering to the God of Bothsidesism*, all because he managed to read a few words off a screen without giving in to the urge to thank the terrorist for his help, live on national television.

The senile old jackass couldn’t even fake somber self-reflection for an hour or two over the weekend. He went golfing. Promoted a UFC fight. Trotted out his emptiest shit-eating grin to pose for photos at a wedding at his tacky New Jersey golf resort. If he has any emotional response at all to these tragedies, it’s irritation and self-pity that he has to tone down the hate speech for a week or two. 

Plus, ever on the lookout for new opportunities to Make American White Again, the Shart of the Deal shrewdly offered to swap mild gun control measures for the chance to check a few items off the Bannon/Miller white nationalist “immigration reform” Xmas list. “Look, me and the terrorist want the exact same thing; placate us and we’ll let you have your precious background checks” may seem like an absolutely psychotic position to take, but you have to expect this sort of thing when you elect the worst person in the world.

You may have heard a little rumor, that President Ostomy Bag removed a bunch of tweets using the dehumanizing “ migrant invasion” rhetoric from his timeline. Nope, even that minuscule gesture towards basic decency is too much to ask of him.

Look at the re-election ads these monstrous bastards run on Facebook; invasion, invasion, invasion…like, I understand that after two and half years of non-stop failure, running on your record is not a viable option. But maybe you should just take the L, rather than trying to start a motherfucking race war, huh?

Is it really too much to ask for a little shame from the White House staff? Can’t we get one grudging acknowledgement that “hey, we’ve taken this too far,” or are all y’all too busy doing Jell-O shots in Stephen Miller’s office to celebrate a job well done? Will there be not one single principled resignation? One Undersecretary in Charge of Spell-Checking Highway Signs? The intern who has to pick the onions out of Steve Mnuchin’s lunch salad?

Of course not. It’s no longer reasonable to expect the slightest bit of courage or morality from Republicans. Because if they have to stand on a few new gravestones to pull those last few hard-to-reach judicial appointments off the top shelf, understand they will do so without a moment’s hesitation.

There is such thunderous silence from the institutional GOP that a six-tweet thread from a Nebraska state Senator named John McCollister, condemning his party’s shameful complicity, made national news. Now John, I appreciate it, but the truth is you’re way late, this assignment was due immediately after the Charlottesville “very fine people on both sides” speech. For the rest of your misbegotten party, I know y’all have long since covered every mirror in your homes with duct tape because you can’t stand the sight of yourselves, but please understand that we, the American people, have noticed your cowardice and your complicity, and we are sick to fucking death of it.

On the other hand, you have Ohio state rep Candice Keller, who blamed the shootings on basically the entire demented list of personal grievances dictated to her by the maggots gnawing on her misfiring, indoctrinated, little brain. How convenient. Y’know, maybe I should get in on this game. “Mass shootings occur because Target always runs out of those strawberry-flavored marshmallows I like, and because of the bar at the end of my street that blasts Love Shack at unacceptable volumes after midnight,” that’s just what I think and you can’t tell me any different.

All you fake-ass evangelicals better hope with all your black, bought-and-paid-for hearts that you’re wrong about this “God” thing, because when you show up at the pearly gates, caked from head to toe in the blood of children, begging to be judged by your words rather than your actions, the angels are gonna rupture their guts laughing at you.

Mitch McConnell, you walking, talking, structural flaw in the Constitution, you sneering troll, stumbling drunk on power for its own sake, we will see your legacy written in bloody liquid shit, which you so richly deserve. PASS THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE GUN CONTROL BILLS, YOU SHIT. Just this once, acknowledge that maybe our lives matter more than your partisan scorekeeping.

While we’re talking about him, Moscow Mitch, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a human being in possession of a thimbleful of decency, thought this was an appropriate moment in time to tweet out an image depicting the tombstone of his likely Democratic opponent in 2020, Amy McGrath. Oh and the young men of “Team Mitch” are already absorbing his lessons on just how fucking amusing violence against your female political opponents can be.

Now, I don’t expect anything as silly as “observable real-world evidence” to interfere with the macho cowboy fantasies of the gun-humper crowd, but the Dayton shooter was killed by police, who happened to be patrolling nearby, within 30 seconds of his first shot. In those 30 seconds, he fired off 41 rounds, shooting 14 people, killing 9 of them. That is, again, in probably the best-possible-case scenario, Good Guy With a Gun-wise. Nine deaths.

Must we continue to allow gun policy to be set by fuckwits who don’t understand that the reason John Wayne never missed and never got shot was because he was working off a goddamn script? Because that’s how we end up with an angry incel, armed with a .223-caliber high-capacity rifle with 100-round drum magazines, killing everyone in sight just because he fucking felt like it. 100 rounds, have you seen this beast? There is no earthly purpose for that product beyond the mass slaughter of human beings. And if you think there’s some sort of “right” to own such obscenities, kindly slap my Constitution out of your filthy mouth.

You probably get the impression after all this ranting and raving that I’m angry about this, and I suppose I am. But one thing I am not is hopeless; we have the NRA crowd on the run. Last fall, we chased those craven sycophants out of office all over this country, in districts where they’ve long felt untouchable. And we will build on that progress next year. The tide has turned on this shit; it’s time for the bloodthirsty death merchants to fear US for a change.

To all the shitty little white supremacist dorks, cheering on the bloodshed from your mom’s basement, take a quick look around your life; you’re all still losers, yeah? Thought so. You chant “you will not replace us?” What the fuck do you imagine you have to offer that’s worth replacing?

And to the Republican Party that has worked so diligently to nurture this epidemic of racist violence, I say: this blood is on your hands and we will move heaven and hell to hold you accountable.

Yes, I know you come to this blog expecting poop jokes a news roundup, and God knows, there’s plenty of the usual day-to-day insanity, including the latest episode of Donnie Dotard’s Dumbfuck Trade War Blows Up the Economy, but we’ll get caught up later this week. My apologies.

In the meantime, plenty of great organizations could use your help tonight. Everytown/Moms Demand Action and SPLC are two of my favorites.

Stay safe out there, Resisters.

PS, as I was working up tonight’s piece, additional information broke about the absolute scumfuck who carried out the shooting in Dayton. It’s…pretty fucking disturbing, and honestly, don’t click on the article unless you can’t live without knowing about the “Pornogrind” scene. I was certainly a lot happier before I did.

*Basically Chuck Todd with ram’s horns

Shower Cap

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Good god. https://t.co/KYM1LRGH5R

Keith Boykin
@keithboykin
Farmington, NM police officer Zachary Christensen has resigned after video showed him roughing up a sixth grader. The officer denied he was using excessive force on the 11-year-old girl even after a school administrator told him she is not a threat to anyone. https://t.co/Rhz6p4rS9Z



BREAKING: I led 30 cats into the room with the litter box to demand to know where the poop goes. WHERE DOES IT GO, ADAM SCHIFF?!?!?!?

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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