Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
LET’S MONKEY UP THIS BLOG BECAUSE “MONKEY UP” IS SOMETHING HEP PEOPLE SAY ALL THE TIME!!!!
Look, through all the insanity of the last few years, I’ve done my best to stay positive, but I have to confess, my friends…I’m worried. Though I’m not a superstitious man, it’s hard to see the blinding horror of Theresa May dancing as anything other than a sign of imminent apocalypse. Hug your loved ones, is all I’m saying.
(Before we dive into the madness, let me pimp Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, now updated with 45 House races, most of the Senate map, and even a governor’s race or two. Well, it’s one. Spoilers. Anyway, click that shit. Get involved.)
So Devin Nunes decided he needed a life-affirming adventure, to help him get over his breakup with the country he betrayed, so he crossed the pond to see what it might be like to fuck some limey pigs for a change. He also figured he’d get to the bottom of this whole “dossier” thing and the Christopher Steele fellow who assembled it. Dumbass actually tried setting up meetings with British intelligence agencies, like he’s not a world-renowned stooge. Bet he tried sneaking in wearing a top hat and a monocle.
While we’re on the international diplomacy front, we learned the Shart of the Deal once tried charming his Japanese counterpart by snarling “I remember Pearl Harbor,” which is untrue for the dual reason that 1) He wasn’t alive in 1941, and 2) His mind is so addled he doesn’t remember to unzip his pants before pissing half the time. I swear, if this dipshit didn’t have nuclear codes, he’d get his ass kicked every single day of his life.
In a closed-door meeting with a yowling pack of the hypocritical faux “Christians” who elevate a serial thief/liar/adulterer/steak-ruiner as a moral paragon, Baron Poostain Harkonnen took credit for something he hadn’t actually accomplished (oh THAT old chestnut) and babbled about how Antifa stormtroopers will burn down every church in America unless Salma Hayek goes out with him, or some similar horseshit.
The GOP is so afraid of Badass Congressional Candidate Abigail Spanberger down in the Virginia 7th, they used shady methods to get ahold of her super-classified SF86 national security clearance form. They’re trying to smear her as some sort of borderline terrorist, when in actuality she was protecting our country as a CIA operative overseas while her opponent, Dave Brat, was delivering the Koch brothers billions in unmarked bills via the bullshit Republican tax scam.
After Tuesday’s primaries, general election season kicked off in Florida, where gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis made sure everybody understood his personal racism is so deeply ingrained that he can’t go one day without casually dropping some straight Mississippi Burning shit on national television. Destructive gaffe, or clever strategy to fire up the dirtbag GOP base? You decide.
Anyway, Lil’ Ronnie Dogwhistle was also caught moderating a super-racist Facebook hate group, which his campaign feebly claims he was added to without his knowledge. “Somebody’s just trying to monkey up the narrative,” claimed a spokesman, who is obviously quite invested in establishing “monkey up” as something normal people actually say in real life. Which it is not.
Things may look grim for DeSantis at the moment, but he’s already getting a helping hand, in the form of robo-calls sponsored by neo-Nazis. “Oooo, Cap, good joke! That is indeed an absurd extrapolation of the Monkey Up story, that he would get support from neo-Nazis! Well done!” Nope. Not a joke. A thing that happened in the real world. Sleep tight.
Bruce Ohr is the latest target in Tangerine Idi Amin’s ongoing quest to purge the FBI of anyone who will hold him and his co-conspirators to account for their crimes. I’m looking forward to “Do you have plans to destroy any law enforcement agencies in a fit of panicked self-preservation, and if so, which ones?” being a debate question going forward.
I’m not sure if it’s fear or hubris or a lack of options, but the Candycorn Skidmark is becoming increasingly brazen in his lies these days. Just pullin’ stuff straight out of that ass that Dr. Ronny Jackson claims is two feet narrower than it actually is.
“China hacked Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server,” he bellowed, from the (sigh) Presidential pulpit. And the FBI wasted no time in issuing a bold, firm, NOPE. “Google is hiding all the boatloads full of good news about me because they’re worried you’ll love me too much!” And another swift, decisive NAH.
And for the Big Fat Goebbels Lie Cherry on Top, now Orange Julius Caesar is taking “That interview I gave with Lester Holt? The one where I confessed to obstructing justice in front of the whole damn world? It was…um…doctored! Yeah, that’s it! I was actually just talking about how much I want to fuck my own daughter!” out for a spin.
On the one hand, it’s terrifying to see our nation’s chief executive trying to rewrite reality like a drunk with an Etch A Sketch. On the other, it’s kinda hilarious that he’s chosen “that one thing that everybody on the fucking planet saw with their own eyes” as the hill to die on. It’s like the idiot version of the Jedi mind trick. Conman Don imagines that if he can get away with it with the dumbest, most gullible rube, in his sycophantic turd army, then it’s good enough for mass consumption.
That rube is probably Eric, now that I think about it. Eric, who would surely shriek for the Secret Service if you played Got Your Nose with him. “Eric, would you believe me if I said it wasn’t really my voice on the Access Hollywood tape?” OH MY GOD, DAD, I CAN’T BELIEVE THE DEEP STATE THOUGHT IT COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT!!!!!
And of course, the Manchurian Manchild congratulated himself on the thousands of senseless deaths caused by his criminal neglect in Puerto Rico, because he is a white supremacist monster and a narcissist utterly lacking in empathy. “Those dead people are thrilled they don’t have suffer through the rest of my dumpster fire Presidency, believe me!”
Well, we won’t have Don McGahn to kick around anymore. The Shart House counsel is leaving in a few weeks to spend more time trying to wash the treason stink off himself…use steel wool, Don. Did he resign? Was he fired once the Dotard realized the implications of his testimony to the Mueller investigation? Was he forced out by Princess Ivanka and her Pigeon-Voiced Pet/Husband? Who gives a shit?
So far, meetings to pick McGahn’s replacement have been largely futile, as aides have been forced to shoot down a number of the President’s choices, because they are fictional lawyers from TV shows. Yes, he even tried to get the chicken from Futurama.
Civil Rights Hero Betsy DeVos is finally standing up for campus rapists, and if Republicans keep control of Congress, I’m sure they’ll replace Martin Luther King Jr. Day with ten separate holidays, one for each DeVos yacht.
Continuing a controversial “look how much cooler my opponent is than me” advertising strategy, Senator Ted Cruz announced he will project his next campaign ad directly onto Beto O’Rourke’s washboard abs.
People are giving Teddy shit for begging the Velveeta Vulgarian to rally with him, but maybe he’s wilier than we’re giving him credit for. How else can Earth’s Single Most Dislikable Thing and Yes That Includes Cancer hope to generate sympathy? “Oh friends, I am so down on my luck that I have nowhere to turn but the very man who crushed my dreams, in the process insulting my father and my wife, woe is me!”
…or maybe he’s just a big fat cuck.
In a display of his deft political savvy, President Shartcannon announced he’s cancelling raises for millions of federal employees, because after passing hundreds of millions of dollars in tax cuts for super rich dudes like himself, the government needs to tighten its belt at the expense of working folks. Millions of ‘em. All coincidentally eligible to vote. In the goddamn midterms. A few short weeks away.
Further demonstrating his mad negotiating skillz, Shart Garfunkel couldn’t stop himself from boasting to reporter about how he had made Canada his personal bitch during NAFTA talks, how they cowered before his before his mighty prowess and totally-normal-sized hands. Needless to say, the Canadians were slightly less than pleased when all this got back to them, and another deadline for an agreement has passed without a deal.
But I’d hate for you to think that the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is a totally ineffective dolt, a bumbling buffoon who nobody listens to! No, his message is getting through loud and clear in certain sectors…like, for example, with 68-year-old Shart fan and gun nut Robert Chain. Rob got himself arrested for threatening to murder some of the good folks at the Boston Globe, parroting the President’s trendy “enemy of the people” catchphrase.
Strange, and depressing, that we’ve all gotten used to the President regularly inciting violence against the free press, all in a sad little bid to protect himself from the consequences of their diligent reporting. Poll after poll reveals the strategy is failing, but we’ve already seen one newsroom shooting and several arrests for threats. And yet, Fuckhead marches out there all the damn time, bellowing “enemy of the people” over and over again, totally unconcerned with the lives he endangers.
While Precocious Paul Manafort rots in jail between trials, one of his ol’ buddies pleaded guilty to crimes stemming from funneling illegal foreign donations to the Comically Under-Attended Shart Inauguration Non-Party fund. How do these people find each other? Is there a dating website, like Farmers Only but for money launderers?
Anyhow, welcome Sam Patten to the cast of characters. Yes, he’s tied to a bunch of already-familiar scumfucks like Konstantin Kilimnik and Cambridge Analytica, and yes, he’s cooperating with the Mueller investigation now. Robert Altman couldn’t keep track of this shit.
We learned a little more about Ian M. Smith, recently forced out of DHS for being a massive white nationalist crotchtumor. Seems he got to attend high-level immigration policy meetings, some featuring his ideological BFF, Stephen Miller. Yep, white supremacists setting immigration policy, right here in the U.S. of A!
Maybe that’s how we keep ending up with policies like “abandoning Puerto Rico after a hurricane,” “mega-racist travel ban,” “stealing children from their parents and throwing them in cages,” and now “denying passports to American citizens with Hispanic-sounding names.”
Yes, the white supremacist wing of the Trump Administration (which consists of the entire team down to the fucking interns) is doing all it can to bleach the electorate, questioning the citizenship even of veterans who have served the country in uniform. They’re detaining American citizens. Deporting American citizens.
Folks, we are well past the “First they come for…” lines of the poem. When even these latest draconian measures fail to bring manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, you think these assholes will look for new solutions? Or new scapegoats?
And then the Shart Administration cut off funding to a U.N. program that helped Palestinian refugees, just the latest step in their ongoing Let’s Make the World Shittier campaign.
I am so sick of this shit. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN MY MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE!
And the world is saying goodbye to John McCain and Aretha Franklin, and damn, I need a pick-me-up.
What’s this? A new set of polling data? Let’s see what that’s about…
OK, I’m better now. And our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS is closer than ever before. Don’t forget to check out that Action Guide, Shower Captives!