Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Trump/Huckabee Sanders Lies
It’s another one of those days when you can’t tell which is greater; the malevolence of the ruling regime and their allies, or their raw, mush-brained, imbecility. It’s like watching a pack of meth-addled clowns attack the Lincoln Monument with hammers and hacksaws.
Y’know what? Let’s start with something a little different tonight. Let’s start with something from one of the GOOD GUYS for a change. Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is a bad motherfucker and a warrior for decency, using his post to shine a light on the horrific atrocities perpetrated by the Institutional Racism Firm of Trump, Sessions, & Miller.
Merkley was denied entry at a child detention center (oh didn’t you hear? America operates child detention centers now. Very chic, very modern…the latest thing in state-sponsored evil.) He described scenes of children held in cages, but we’ll have to take his word for it, since DHS wouldn’t allow him or his aides to take photos, which is exactly how you behave when you’re not doing anything monstrously reprehensible.
So, I’ve decided to worship Scott Pruitt as a God. I dub him Pruittus, Lord of All Corruption, and I fear to gaze directly upon him with my mortal eyes.
Seems that in addition to his other 358 known scandals, our EPA director apparently has a history of using government employees to perform personal tasks on his behalf, including attempting to procure a “used Trump hotel mattress.” See, that’s what makes Scott so special, a generational grifting talent. There’s no luxury too extravagant to bill to the American taxpayer, but when it’s his own money on the line, the motherfucker is so cheap he tries to get a USED HOTEL MATTRESS, which would’ve been considered revoltingly unhygienic in the fucking Dark Ages.
And that? That was yesterday’s news. Did today somehow, however improbably, bring fresh news of yet another previously-unearthed Scott Pruitt corruption scandal? You bet your sweet ass it did! Now we learn Scotty used not only his post, but a high-level aide drawing a government paycheck, in attempts to land his wife a job, specifically a Chick-fil-A franchise of her very own (cue alto Disney solo).
I know taxes don’t really work this way, but allow me a bit of vanity here. I’m choosing to believe it was my personal tax money that paid the salary of the EPA aide for the specific chunk of work time she used to look for a job for Mrs. Pruitt. Think of it as my offering to His Sublime Skeeziness, the God of Corruption.
Of course, the Big Tyranny Gnus of the day is Tangerine Idi Amin’s repeated insistence that he has the power to pardon himself, and this is not a debate my kindergarten Independence Day pageant prepared me for. All kinds of fun new issues pop up when you give awesome political power to a sociopath, y’know? I sure do hope the republic survives!
Now, Shartleby the Scrivener insists he’s done nothing that would merit the use of this power he wants you to know he totally possesses, but don’t kid yourself, after 70 years as a professional criminal, he’s got a whole stack of preprepared pardons by the bed, for everything from sexual assault to treason. Everything filled in but the fucking date.
We’re told a call between the Velveeta Vulgarian and French President Emmanuel Macron went poorly because the big bad French guy was mean and said mean things about Shartboy’s tariffs when he was ‘sposed to just submit to the bullying. In the aftermath, the President curled up in General Kelly’s lap and ordered his Chief of Staff to tell him a bedtime story about a Jolly Orange Giant who beats up a mean Frog with a stupid accent and then the Frog’s wife says “Oh Donald you are much more handsome than my dumb husband and your fingers are larger as well.”
So the SCOTUS cake ruling came down and everybody got those initial push notifications and freaked the fuck out, right? Like, “Tell me you robed fuckers didn’t just Kim Davis our entire goddamn economy,” and it turns out they didn’t, and we all had fun parsing Court terms like “narrow” and “punt” and wasn’t that just rave-in-a-petting-zoo awesome? Anyway, it’s not a great decision but at least it’s not a freedom-crushingly awful one, so…yay?
Semi-Sentient Cletus Spuckler Action Figure Eric Trump whinged a bunch about how hard Daddy’s life has been since he entered politics, and then the ghosts of the thousands of needlessly, senselessly dead in Puerto Rico rose from their graves and swirled, shrieking, about him, rending him limb from limb. Or at least they really shoulda.
A new poll shows violent ex-con Michael Grimm leading in his GOP primary to regain the seat he lost WHEN HE WENT TO PRISON. Can we finally admit that Republican primary voters are just shitty fucking people looking for the shittiest people imaginable to represent them? By 2024, instead of debates, the GOP will have puppy-drowning contests.
Last November, the good citizens of Maine voted to expand Medicaid under the ACA, but Governor Paul LePage (THANKS, VOTE-SPLITTING THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE!) refused, because he hates poor people. But now a court says, “Sorry Asshole, people deserve to be alive even if they can’t afford to attend $20,000-per-plate fundraisers, expand that shit right goddamn now.” This is LePage’s worst nightmare (he vetoed expansion five times) because he is a terrible human being who is only in government to hurt people. Which should make him an outlier in Republican politics, but doesn’t.
Operating on the If They’ll Believe Pizzagate They’ll Believe Anything principle, Orange Julius Caesar’s latest bullshit spin is “even though y’all saw Jeff Sessions’ hate boner when he announced the policy, it’s really DEMOCRATS’ fault that my government is separating children from their parents at the border.” Me, I just find it interested that Fuck-O actually found a bit of minority-bashing he doesn’t want to hang his name on in big gold letters, since he went out of his way to compliment white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of white supremacist terrorism that one time.
Anyway, now the United Nations human rights office is asking the Shart Administration to cut it out with that “inhuman cruelty” jazz, and isn’t it nice being shunned by the decent folk of the world, like a third rate dictatorship?
I know I shit on the President a lot on this blog, but I’m not above acknowledging the rare occasions when he does the right thing, because I’m so fair and balanced I’m like Snow White on a tightrope. So congratulations, Wee Don, on your decision to lock The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Lip out of your North Korea meeting. 1 point to Slytherin.
Pardonmania is running wild! Apparently President Crotchvoid has PARDON FEVER and plans on handing ‘em out like a small town Appalachian doctor dispensing opioids! Word is he’s Mad About Pardons because 1) It’s the only he can do without dumb ol’ Congress or the dumb ol’ Constitution holding him back, and 2) It’s his only chance to avoid dying in prison.
Paul Manafort’s been getting away with his life of crime so long, he doesn’t seem to understand the rules have changed since he got indicted, so he keeps violating the terms of his bail arrangement, and…wowza, this last one is a doozy. Seems Precocious Paul, perhaps stir-crazy from house arrest, has taken up a new hobby…witness tampering! Bro. Try cross stitch, it’s safer.
YOU ARE UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, YOU FUCKING NITWIT. Also, apparently you’re backing up your “encrypted” communications to your iCloud account, you shitbrained Luddite motherfucker. And not only are you WITNESS TAMPERING USING ACCOUNTS UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, you’re doing so in partnership with a former Russian intelligence officer? Dude. DUDE.
…now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly, madly, deeply…#Manafucked. If there are any continuing education opportunities in the jail they send you to (hearing June 15th), you should look into that shit.
Oh look, some gunhumping maniac called in a SWAT “prank” on Parkland survivor/gun control activist David Hogg! Remember kids, when you disagree with someone on a hot-button issue, send militarized police to their home, who knows, they might just get murdered! To the oozing colon polyp who tried to get a teenager killed, I hope they find you, buddy. I hope they find you, try you, convict you, and sentence you to 60 years in a nursing home septic tank.
Joke of the Day: Sarah Huckabee Slanders says “I think you all know I’m an honest person, who works extremely hard to provide you with accurate information.” HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHH, oh shit, that’s CLASSIC.
The Uncredible Huck is rather testy on the subject of her (utterly non-existent) honesty, what with the revelation that Team Treasonweasel has been flat-out lying about Boss Shart’s role in drafting Shart, Jr.’s initial statement responding to the then-breaking news of his Hot Russian Spies Want 2 Collude With U meeting, which was, lest we forget, equal parts horseshit and bullpucky.**
And while it’s certainly fun watching these garbage people squirm when they get caught, don’t forget the strategy behind it all. They have a very large army of totally brainwashed drones who will believe anything they’re told, no matter how ludicrous. And they’re betting that when it comes down to it, their drones outnumber the decent folk who see through all their bullshit. And they’ll be right, if you don’t get everyone you know to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Meanwhile Mitch McConnell cancelled most of the Senate’s August recess, because he’s terrified the coming blue tsunami will wash his ass out to sea, and he’s really more of a tortoise than a turtle when it comes down to it.
The Sunny D-Bag lost another case in court (because he is a big ol’ loser who loses all the time), and had to reinstate some Twitter accounts that he blocked like a coward (because in addition to being such a giant loser, he’s also an enormous coward), but Fuckhead is actually appealing the ruling, because there’s probably nothing more useful the FUCKING JUSTICE DEPARTMENT could be doing with its resources.
I guess it takes a month for the Shart House to fire somebody for mocking a political enemy for the TOTES HILARIOUS reason that he has brain cancer. Kelly Sadler’s replacement will probably be that screaming white boy from the Charlottesville photos, right?
A White House contractor was arrested, at the White House, on an attempted murder charge, and thank GOD we finally caught one before he got nominated to a cabinet post.
Oh man…this thing with the Philadelphia Eagles…you have to love how it demonstrates Fat Q*Bert’s two most dominant traits: white supremacy and cringe-worthy neediness.
Oddly, after attacking NFL players relentlessly for months in order to score points with his hateyokel base, very few of the Super Bowl champion Eagles felt like coming to Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ party! And so he threw a tantrum, cancelled his party, and sent his shitty Press Secretary out to babble like a lunatic about how the whole thing was a conspiracy to make him look like a loser*, and that the players don’t have free speech rights to protest anyway, because his Klansman’s idea of patriotism trumps that silly ol’ first amendment, patriotism means fealty to your Spraytanned God Emperor and if you’re no “patriot,” well maybe you don’t deserve any speech!
I honestly don’t know whether to rage at the dictatorial impulses, or laugh at the naked insecurity motivating them.
I would be remiss in my duties if I moved on without mentioning the rat bastards of Fux Nooz, stirring up the day’s Two Minutes Hate at some pictures of what turned out to be Eagles players…praying. Yes, Donald Trump finally has the Evangelical crowd hissing and spitting at actual Christians in the act of prayer. Surprised?
Anyway, LeBron James and Steph Curry agreed that whoever won the NBA title this year, neither team would accept Shartboy’s invitation even if there was cake, and instead of playing basketball against one another, they joined hands and sang songs of friendship.
But just to put God’s Own Maraschino Cherry on top of this story…President Shartcannon replaced his football party with a Nebulous “America” Party to show just how much more America-y he is than those treacherous black players who think un-America things like “Black Lives Matter.” And the military choir sang “God Bless America” and the cameras zoomed in on our fake patriot dirtbag President, and OF COURSE he didn’t know the words, just like he doesn’t know the words to the national anthem, and to anybody who is still falling for this painfully obvious con, can I just say…
…I would really, REALLY like to play poker with you some time.
Anyway. I’m gonna watch the election results roll in now. So far, so good.
*Bro, your whole life is a conspiracy to make you look like a loser.
**Is this blog even in English anymore?