Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
McCabe Memos May Mean Mueller’s Mission Manifests More Majestically
Well, I’ve finally reached the point where blogging about the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news actually prevents me from keeping up with the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news.
I swear, not ten minutes after I got the last post up, that story broke about President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive strutting around at a fundraiser, all proud of himself for lying to Justin Trudeau about the U.S./Canada trade deficit.
We could, I suppose, ruminate on the wisdom of publicly bragging about attempts to deceive our allies, but perhaps the bigger issue here is how Donnie Dotard seems to think he really put one over on ol’ Justin. Like, maybe Canada’ll just toss in Newfoundland as a little sweetener in the NAFTA renegotiations, because our tricksy President was just so wily.
As a further demonstration of his ferocious intellect, Il Douche pontificated at length during the same speech about how Japan keeps American cars out of their market by dropping bowling balls on them. Sigh. If only the Republican Presidential primary had administered a similar test.
Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, whose longtime opposition to gun control laws was predictably unshaken by the mass slaughter of children at Marjory Stoneman Douglas, leapt into action at the speed of light to propose a bill banning the stowing of pets in overhead bins on airlines, after ONE story of a puppy dying in such a bin drifted across his field of vision. I’m looking forward to the “I care more about dogs than your children” lawn signs next time Kennedy’s up for reelection.
A State Department whistleblower says Team Treasonweasel conspired with the likes of Noot Gingrich to purge the diplomatic corps of anyone insufficiently loyal to Boss Shart. It’s always good news when you can describe your government’s behind-the-scenes maneuvering as “Stalinesque,” right?
Well, with Russia hacking our power grid and murderin’ folks left n’ right in Merry Ol’ England, (And even spiking the football in the media. Do Russians play football? Can you spike hockey pucks? I need a research team.) Shart Garfunkel finally figured he needed to impose juuuust enough sanctions to get the media off his back. Nothing adequate enough to actually address the problem, or deter further fuckery, not even the full sanctions authorized by Congress months ago, but like, now Putin can’t super size his fries for only 25 cents more. He’s not allowed to use the fast checkout lane at American grocery stores, even if he only has twelve items or less.
Hey, looka here…Rugged Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the very Drumpf Organization itself, proving that now more than ever, shit is getting REAL. The Bobadook has demanded documents relating to any dealings with Russia and maybe other shady shit as well, we don’t know, but Mueller does, and so does Donnie, which explains his weekend Twitter tantrums, tee hee.
Obviously, the Swiss Family Robinshart is none too pleased to have the Special Counsel pokin’ around in their bizness. Eric is said to have frantically attempted to delete his browser history, but probably only actually managed to clear out his junk e-mail folder. So yes, little man, they know you google dirty pictures of your stepmom.
Shartboy Junior is indeed getting divorced, and I’m told we’re not supposed to gloat about shit like this, but y’know…after more than a year of his shitty family looting our treasury and assaulting our press and using their ICEtapo to break up families…let me say FUCK THE HIGH ROAD. I’m gonna tapdance on your misery for a minute, Junior. I hope she takes you for everything you have, and I hope you die in jail without ever seeing your children, and then I hope you’re buried under an outhouse. Fuck you. Fuck all of you forever.
There were so many rumors of staff turnover flying around last week, my news feed was like a middle school cafeteria. Was H.R. McMaster on the way out, replaced by John Bolton and his genocidal mustache? Would Scott Pruitt weasel his way out of his soundproof booth and into the Attorney General’s chair? Would John Kelly prop up a mop wearing a hat behind his desk, and sneak out the back door while the rest of the monkeys pelted one another with poop?
And oh, how we all danced, like puppets on strings, because we have a reality television show instead of a government! Me, I’m happy to follow the drama, because as long as that cudbrained dipshit is focused on ratings, he isn’t trying to, y’know…GOVERN THE FUCKING COUNTRY.
On today’s episode of A&E’s hit documentary series, The Best People, we profile Naved Jafry, an ambitious if not quite competent con man who figured the Drumpf Administration was THE place to be for an up-and-coming grifter. Anyhow, he got exposed by The Guardian, resigned from his HUD post before he even got a chance to dine at Dr. Ben’s fancy new table, and for bonus fun, has finally been caught by the debt collectors who’ve been searching for him for years.
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a study showing Orange Julius Caesar’s campaign rallies came with a fun side effect: violence! Yes, a community hosting one of these feral assclown gatherings saw an average increase of 2.3 assaults!
I remember the good ol’ days, when it never would’ve even occurred to anybody to look into the correlation between a candidate’s events and a thuggery surge. Nobody ever wondered, “Is it just me, or do the emergency rooms fill up faster when John Edwards comes to town?”
With all these tales of lavish spending from the likes of Ben Carson and Ryan Zinke, apparently Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin has been slinking around in the background this whole time, sneering, “Fuckin’ amateurs. Let me show you punks how a Goldman Sachs man grifts!”
And daaaaaaamn, Mnuchbag does NOT fuck around! A cool million for just eight trips? Are you raidin’ the mini-bar, Steve-O? Or do we have Navy SEALs lugging Louise Linton’s shopping around?
In the midst of the blowhard brinkmanship/game show host diplomacy games Smallhands Magoo has been playing with North Korea, you could be forgiven for forgetting we don’t have an ambassador to South Korea. After a year and change. Oh, and the Secretary of State just got fired. So who’s running the show?
Well, congratulate South Korea’s Foreign Minister Kang Kyung-wha, she gets the PRINCESS UPGRADE! Yes, you no longer have to settle for a boring old DIPLOMAT, with their bland EXPERIENCE or QUALIFICATIONS, your new partner in nuclear needle-threading is a spoiled little rich girl who steals shoe designs!
John Kelly told a bunch of journalists a hilarious story about how he fired Rex Tillerson while he was on the crapper. “Weird coincidence there, Rexy, cuz we’re about to flush YOU!” boasted the Chief of Staff, extending his arm for a high five which…never came.
Washington was the father of our country. Madison wrote the Bill of Rights. Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union. Trump? Trump threatened to sue a porn star for 20 million bucks for speaking about the affair they had while his wife was pregnant with their child.
And Daniels’ lawyer claims to have spoken to six other women with similar stories, including two with their very own NDAs (Michael Cohen gets ’em in bulk), so I’m left to wonder…am I the only person in America who ISN’T blackmailing the President?
The lawyer further claims Stormy has been physically threatened, and that at least some of the alleged fuckery from Camp Drumpf occurred since he’s been President. When does he even find time to golf, amiright?
Of course you’ve heard Andrew McCabe has been fired, though not, it would seem, while pooping. Having stepped down from his previous post as Deputy Director of the FBI, and mere hours away from retiring, McCabe got canned at the last minute so as deny him his pension, because the President is petty little sphincter rash of a man.
And it turns out McCabe has memos, and he’s already turned them over to Mueller, so that’s fun. I bet a McCabe memo is much better than a Nunes memo. I bet Nunes memos see McCabe memos and just sit in the corner and feel bad about themselves for being such shitty memos.
For good measure, Dorito Mussolini decided to gloat about the firing on the Polyphonic Tweeting Machine, because in his walnut-sized brain, Neanderthal dominance displays are so important that he’ll gladly provide more evidence in the obstruction of justice case against himself, while further alienating the entire American intelligence community, who he seems to have forgotten are investigating every nook and cranny of his shitty crooked life.
The master plan here is to paint the witnesses against him, Comey and McCabe, as a couple of dishonest schmucks making shit up to damage our poor, saintly, Blockhead in Chief out of vindictiveness over their firings. How he’ll overcome the massive trust gap he’s facing is a problem for another day, and will likely end up on Jared’s desk.
President Skidmark’s attorney, John Dowd, followed up by suggesting that the McCabe firing, which allegedly has nothing whatsoever to do with the Russia probe but was necessary because Andrew was so mean n’ unfair to poor Hillary Clinton WINK WINK, was just the perfect opportunity to end the whole silly Mueller/Russia thang, y’know…as long as we’re firing people.
Initially, Dowd said he was speaking on behalf of his client, but somebody (probably an intern) told him not to help the obstruction of justice investigation so much, so he later “clarified” that he was just kidding, he was just shootin’ the shit as John Dowd, Totally Private Citizen Who Happens to Believe Rosenstein Should End the Mueller Probe! “Also, I enjoy long walks on the beach, James Patterson novels, and scat play!”
Drumpf Campaign Data Thugs Cambridge Analytica got caught illegally harvesting 50 million Facebook users’ personal data, the better to microtarget angry rubes with divisive misinformation. This might explain the ads I saw claiming “Hillary Clinton views male cat owners as sissies.”
Facebook says “Oh this is very bad indeed. Now that it has been discovered. It was totally cool a week ago, but that was before everybody knew about it. It’s bad now, and Cambridge A is banned, which means we don’t get any more of their sweet sweet money, FUCK YOU, JOURNALISM.”
So, the FEC is investigating whether or not the blood-crazed murder fanboys of the National Rifle Association took a bunch of Russkie oligarch money during 2016 and filtered it to a certain Rancid Grapefruit’s campaign.
I dunno, folks. I don’t wanna get too greedy. Could this shitstorm really take down not only the Sam’s Club economy-sized tub of the worst people in conservative politics, but the fucking NRA, too? If I find out Mueller is investigating that dickhead supervisor I had at Borders back in college, I’ll know this whole thing is just an elaborate prank on me personally.
What else is going on? Ho hum, the Kushner Klan fudged some documents in order to cheat tenants out of their rent-controlled apartments. Isn’t it neat that Jar-Jar gets to be of the most powerful men in the country now? The line between this new conservative populism and feudalism is…blurrier than I was led to believe.
Elfin Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third proclaimed “our integrity is our brand” in justifying his shanking of Andrew McCabe, but it turns out he may not be the greatest brand ambassador.
Sessions, who has never lied under oath about his contact with the Russians except for all those times when he totally did, has claimed to have boldly stood up an eager wannabe colluder the world would come know as George Papadopolous. To hear the AG tell it, when Young Georgie proposed some naughty things, Jeff immediately slapped him with an American flag and gravely intoned, “Let us nevah, EVAH speak of this agayuhn,” but now other attendees of the meeting in question are telling the Mueller investigation that Ol’ Beau is full of Alabama horseshit, which is like regular horseshit, only more racist.
And everybody congratulate the President’s immediate supervisor, Vlad Putin, on his landslide reelection victory, garnering an astonishing 103% of the vote! You know the Poo Mistake sees this on his phone, and lets out a long, envious, sigh, resentful that Mattis won’t let him use novichok on CNN headquarters.
Anyway, I hope you’ll all support me for another six-year term as Grand Imperator and Most Handsome Blogger on High here at this humble blog site. If I had any opponents, I’d totally polonium 210 their asses, but I think I’m running unopposed.
PS – Proving my initial point, JUST as I was getting ready to post, ANOTHER story broke, about the Velveeta Vulgarian forcing high-ranking staff to sign non-disclosure agreements about their time in the Shart House, when they work for the people of the United States of America. On the one hand, it’s cute that he thinks these agreements would be in any way enforceable. On the other, the dictatorial impulse behind such an act is…less cute.