Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The News is Like Donnie Baba & the Forty Assholes Today
Well shit, folks, I got half a dozen push notifications about some fancy British lady living large on public funds squeezing out a baby, so it must be a slow fucking news day, right? Wonder if there’s even anything worth blogging about…
Boy, that House Republican Caucus is just one giant gaggle of assholes, ain’t it? These clowns figured now that they had the Comey memos, they’d leak ‘em to the press, proving once and for all that the former FBI director was a malicious Deep State operative undermining America’s beloved Pile of Cheese Ball Barf because…becaaaaaaaause…fuck, I think these twits have finally come to actually believe all the cynical shit they screech about on Fux Nooz.
Anyway, the whole thing blew up right in the Dunning-Kruger Kids’ faces. Comey’s been consistent this whole time, and Drumpf comes off like a low-rent capo trying to bribe a guy he perceives as a beat cop. Which is sort of exactly what everyone who doesn’t have a right-wing talk radio show expected.
It’s like they locked themselves in a small room and started kicking one another in the junk as hard as they possibly could. We need to take Congress back for a lot of reasons, one of which is that these are dangerously unintelligent people.
We learned from a former Forbes writer all the embarrassing details of how our future President pretended to be someone else in order to lie his way onto a silly magazine’s silly list of rich people. You know. Like all totally normal, rational, well-adjusted people do. Certainly nobody with narcissistic personality disorder would ever call up Forbes magazine using a fake name to make shit up about his “employer’s” wealth.
(If there’s a silver lining here, at least this opens up the possibility, however slight, that Stephen Miller might just be an elaborate sock puppet.)
Well Ol’ Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III reportedly threatened to walk away from his own personal paradise, assaulting sanctuary cities and locking up a new generation of young people of color for minor drug offenses all while sipping on juleps spiked with the tears of the undocumented families he’s broken apart, if Boss Shart up and fired Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein.
Does Bilbo Bigot understand what a “threat” is? This seems more like an “order now and we’ll throw in a second Snuggie absolutely free!” kind of thing.
I see the Grand Wizard Grifter also tried to get his maybe-not-so-loyal Huntin’ Dawg to fire Lisa Page and Peter Strzok for the high crime of Insufficient Loyalty to the God Emperor, because he thinks every government employee down to your neighborhood mail carrier needs to swear allegiance to him personally.
…because he has what we call “fascist tendencies.” And not one thing about that is funny, so Dear Reader, I hope you’re doing every single thing in your power to take your country back, starting this November. Is everyone you know registered to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS? Get on that shit.
Meanwhile, the ICEstapo and related wings of Tangerine Idi Amin’s immigration control apparatus continue behaving like the bad guys in some third-rate 28 Days Later knockoff. Some 700 children have been pried away from their families at the border just since last October, I guess because torturing non-white families is the last bone these monsters have left to throw their base. “Your jobs aren’t coming back, we won’t do shit about the opioid crisis, and we’ve started a trade war that will further decimate your communities, but you can rest easy knowing that somewhere, a Honduran child cried herself to sleep in detention.”
Anyway. Fuck every single person who voted for this festering rectal tumor.
Oh, and just for a dash of light cosmetic fuckery, Citizenship and Immigration Services will be removing phrases like “thank you” and “we regret to inform you” from denial letters, because they’re not just shitsacks, they’re PETTY shitsacks. I’m sure this is just a precursor to adding ethnic slurs and pictures of Steve Bannon mooning the recipient.
Hey, speaking of the repellent racism infecting every corner of our executive branch, NBC reports our new National Security Advisor, The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Face, up until recently headed up an Islamophobic non-profit (and let’s talk about how a hate-mongering group gets tax-exempt status, when we’ve got a spare moment) that feeds Russian troll factories the divisive, dishonest, bile they love to spread around the internet to rile up the shittiest losers in the West. Dylann Roof will be pardoned and in the Cabinet by fall.
The DNC announced a lawsuit against the Candycorn Skidmark, his campaign, and Uncle Vlad’s Russia for the thing they did where they colluded to influence our election and fuck up the entire goddamn world. The takes on this move are all over the place, and I frankly don’t know what to make of it. I am, I should remind you, just a random schmo in a mask and a bathrobe.
Oh, and they’re also suing Wikileaks, presumably for the well-worn, more-than-slightly-crusty Victoria’s Secret catalogue that is Julian Assange’s sole remaining possession.
President Shartcannon hid under the bed at Marm-a-Lago rather than attending Barbara Bush’s funeral, terrified that should he make direct eye contact with Barack Obama, he would turn to ash and disintegrate in the wind.
At the funeral, America’s last human President made the current First Lady smile for the first time in two years, and everyone in the world once again laughed at Little Donnie Two-Scoops, for he is a pathetic, inadequate, little man, an inescapable fact he is incapable of hiding, though doing so is his sad, misguided, life’s sole driving goal.
Can I make a confession real quick? In the midst of all the personal life craziness, I’ve actually lost track of which Scott Pruitt stories I have and haven’t covered. Did I get to the story about his pre-Washington corruption? And I’m sure there’s more. There’s more all the time Fucker probably runs puppy mills.
I tell ya folks, some day the 12 volume Time/Life set of the Many Scandals of Scott Pruitt is going to make a charming holiday gift.
Missouri Governor Eric Greitens keeps collecting felony charges like Thanos gathering Infinity Gems LOOK AT THAT TIMELY POP CULTURE REFERENCE HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Anyway yeah, the “Rising Star” seems to have scammed a donor list from a veterans charity (one he founded, sure, but that doesn’t excuse the lawbreaking) for political purposes, because he’s just gross like that.
Betcha Greitens is a silent partner in Pruitt Puppy Millz, Inc.
Checking in on some other big name GOP scumfucks, Celebrity Child Molester Roy Moore is actually fundraising off the Pulitzer the Washington Post won for uncovering his lifetime of criminal perversion. Hey, if you can’t think of any better use for your money than just handing it over to a pedophile, you deserve your life.
I’ll wager Roy Moore is a shift manager over at Discount Scotty’s Puppy Paradise, RULE OF THREES, BOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAH!
And the Bonespur Buttplug’s HHS announced a plan to shift teen pregnancy prevention programs toward failed abstinence-only education. In a way, it’s the perfectly Trumpian policy, isn’t it? Hypocritical, and totally ineffective. I bet it charges taxpayers to golf on weekends.
Sean Hannity’s been hoovering up foreclosed real estate properties, sometimes with the help of the Big Bad Federal Government Overreachers at HUD. That’s a neat little racket, Sean. Lie all day long on the radio and the teevee box to get the rubes all riled up to vote for the plutocrat stooges of the Republican Party who keep distributing wealth upwards and crashing the economy while you wait in the wings to plunder the remains! I wonder how many of the foreclosed-upon properties he’s snatched up once belonged to members of the loyal audience he’s deceived for years?
Another horrific mass shooting took place, this time at a Nashville Waffle House. We were treated to an extra layer of rage-inducing tragedy this time, as the shooter actually demonstrated sufficient warning signs to have his guns taken away, only to have them returned by the authorities to his father, who, in his infinite fucking wisdom, gave them back to his kid, who used the deadliest of them, the it’s-literally-insane-we-allow-these-murder-machines-to-be-sold AR-15, to end four human lives.
Hey Dad, you Giver of Gifts, you…as I said elsewhere, they should throw you in a fucking pit and build an outhouse on top.
Shit that’s fucking depressing. While we’re down anyway, let’s check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What’ve you got for us, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, not a lot, Cap. There’s the guy in a MAGA shirt and hat who shouted racial insults at a Hispanic man and threw him on the subway tracks, I guess.
Cap: Oh shit. That’s awful.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure. But there’s also the Pennsylvania judge who calls ICE to have people arrested on their wedding day.
Cap: Wait, WHAT? That level of evil…surely no human being –
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Did I mention the Neo-Nazi rally in Georgia? The one that burned a giant fucking swastika? Right here in America in 2018?
Cap: OK BILL THAT’S ABOUT ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY.
I hate to dump all that human sewage on you, friends. Maybe it’ll cheer you up to learn that shitty Milo Yadon’thaveabookdealnomo kid got shouted out of a bar by decent Americans who didn’t feel like sharing oxygen with Earth’s scuzziest Nazi.
Hey, remember how the Marmalade Shartcannon swore by every inch of his too-long necktie that he didn’t even spend a night in Moscow during his Miss Universe Teenager Ogling vacation, so when was he supposed to find the time to mingle with piss hookers? Well, FUNNY STORY, Bloomberg tracked down his flight records from the trip, and it seems our President has fibbed again. We’re running though so many Pinocchios, poor Gepetto’s in the hospital with palpitations.
CNN says Shart Garfunkel has taken to using his personal cell phone more of late, a development which surely delights every intelligence agency on the motherfucking planet, cuz even goddamn Suriname has hacked that fucker by now.
I’m sure Trey Gowdy’s keen interest in digital information security will kick in any minute now. (Waits. Waits. Becomes Samuel Beckett character.)
We were on the brink of something almost historic today, with the Senate Foreign Relations Panel set to crotch-stomp Il Douche’s unqualified Secretary of State nominee, Yahoo Cultist Mike Pompeo. Of course, the whole thing always hinged on the integrity of one Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky, so we really shoulda known better. Rand puts a tremendous amount of energy into projecting the image of a principled independent while voting the party line every single time.
Rand Paul is the sort of man who masturbates to fantasies of his own obituary.
(Oh, Jeff Flake also splashed around in the kiddie pool a bit, making gurgly noises about how he hadn’t made up his mind on Pompeo yet, but I think we all recognize these petulant plays for attention for what they are by now, yes?)
All this after we learned Pompeo has been merrily allowing people to spread the story that he served in the Gulf War when he…just didn’t. No wonder he and the Poo Mistake get along so well; they probably stay up all night, eating junk food, sharing stories of all the valor they’ve stolen.
And now mysterious new allegations of misconduct threaten to derail Dr. Ronny Jackson’s nomination to head the Department of Veterans Affairs, allegations that would pair with his complete and total lack of qualifications or experience for the post. We don’t know much about the allegations at this point, but personally, I’m thinking of going back to the Pruitt Puppy Mill well.
Ok folks, I’m all fucked up on cheap beer and contraband romaine, so I’m gonna go find me a motherfucking PARTY. Until we meet again…