Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
On Propaganda, Portraits, Poison and…Potatoes?
Well, things’ve been kinda rough lately, I won’t deny it. So I asked the orderly to loosen my straitjacket a little and maybe throw some hallucinogens in with my regular meds, and now I figure I’m good for at least another six weeks of quarantine, here in the Unitedish States of Asylum. Enough prologue! The news awaits!
So I think we’re on Friday Night Massacre IV: Massacre in Space! by now, as the Adderall-Addled Assclown decided that the State Department inspector general was getting a little too close to revealing Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo’s many misdeeds, and once again, nice work to whoever wrote the law allowing the crooks to fire the cops, that was some A+ thinking, pal. Anyway, seems our resident theocrat has been engaging in a wide range of criminal activities, from the petty (forcing staff to run personal errands) to the global (billions in illegal arms sales to the journalist-dismembering Saudi regime). In addition, had the IG been given time to properly investigate the Case of Who Keeps Microwaving Fish in the Foggy Bottom Break Room, well, I think we all know how that one would’ve turned out.
The fetid, oozing, pustules that pass for genes in the Trump family have been on full display lately, through the contemptible antics of President Crotchrot’s dirtbag sons. Turdwaffle, Jr. decided it would be fun to accuse Joe “Frontrunner” Biden of being a pedophile, before passing a jolly evening flipping through old photo albums of his scumfuck father partying with Jeffrey Epstein. Meanwhile, Eric mouth-shat some drivel about the coronavirus being a Democratic “hoax” designed to cheat Daddy of his precious Klan rallies, and heck, maybe just this once we should give the kid what he wants for Xmas, if only to compensate for the loveless childhood and malfunctioning brain.
Alaska Republican state rep Ben Carpenter isn’t the sort of fellow who’ll let others crap all over a departed third party who can’t even defend himself, which is why he apparently felt the need to ride gallantly to the rescue of…Adolph Hitler. “People want to say Hitler was a white supremacist. No!” protested Carpenter, as though the shitbag behind the Holocaust might be getting an unfair bad rap. Now, I’m not usually the advice-giving type, but lemme just say this: if you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, you should not do that. Actually, that’s not quite right. If you’re ever tempted to stand up for Hitler, find the nearest public restroom, open all the stalls until you find the nastiest unflushed toilet in the joint, and stick your head in it until you drown. Just my two cents.
Trumpism is all about fooling some of the people all of the time, and thus, various Republijags waddled out onto the Sunday Shoz to enthusiastically regurgitate long-ago debunked propaganda, hoping that there are once again juuuust enough dipshit rubes in the Rust Belt to plunge America into four long years of corruption, failure, and hate. Ron Johnson proclaimed the entire Russia scandal to be the fakest of nooz, and I’m proud to say I am not yet so numb to the past few years’ atrocities that it isn’t still shocking to me, watching a sitting Senator side with a hostile foreign power that attacked the United States.
And Alex Azar no doubt scored some points with his Farthuffin’ Fascist boss, blaming the disproportionately African-American victims of COVID-19 for their own deaths, probably because there’s a cat poster in the room where the Cabinet meets that says, “Never forget: there’s ALWAYS a way to make shit racister, kids!” Peter Navarro claimed Hunter Biden got a billion dollars from the Chinese government, but asked if they could give it to him in dead babies instead of cash. Wilbur Ross says he saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. These people are clowns.
Bilious Billy Barr may be on the hot seat after announcing he doesn’t see himself giving in to the inevitable wave of LOCK HIM UP chants targeting the 44th and 46th Presidents of the United States, Barack Obama and Smilin’ Joe Biden. The Redactor General went to say that “the criminal justice system will not be used for partisan political ends” on his watch, a statement which our fact checkers rated HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU’RE SHITTING ME HE REALLY SAID THAT? AND DIDN’T GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!!
Speaking of Obama, he gave a lovely, uplifting graduation speech last weekend, a much-needed breath of decency and inspiration for these dark days. Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse delivered a sort of unofficial Republican response, and it was…yikes, awwwwwkward. Sasse, whose desire to be president himself someday has, like most of his Republican colleagues, led to a total abandonment of all pre-existing principles in this Age of Shart, decided to take his inner dotard out for a test drive, with an eye on inheriting Cult45 from its current Turd Emperor somewhere down the line. Watching once-dignified conservative officials clumsily attempt to reinvent themselves as shitty insult comics will be amusing in days to come, anyhow.
My my my, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp sure is a tricksy one, isn’t he? Having already used every voter suppression tactic in the bag to slither into office in the first place, now he’s figured out a skeezy little scam to steal a seat on the state Supreme Court for a couple of years, without having to worry about what those pesky voters want. And hey, in two years, there might not be an electorate in Georgia, since Kemp and co. have also been doctoring coronavirus numbers in their effort to trick their constituents into sacrificing themselves for the economy. Don’t enter into any real estate partnerships with Brian Kemp, is all I’m saying.
Unsatisfied with the death toll (rolling steadily along towards a gruesome 100,000 now) bought with his incomligence*, the Velveeta Vulgarian returned to an old favorite, pimping the ineffective-and-indeed-dangerous malaria drug hydroxychloroquine as a COVID cure-all, claiming he washes one down every day with his morning glass of Lysol. Nancy Pelosi reminded him that, due to his age and general fatfuckitude, he is particularly at risk for the drug’s potentially lethal side effects, and America was all, “that was a sick burn, Nancy, but shhhhhhh let the bastard poison himself!”
And yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot is still throwing tantrums at the World Heath Organization, threatening to permanently pull U.S. funding (adorable that he thinks he can do anything “permanently,” isn’t it?), because he wants a target to blame, as political cover for his murderous bungling, more than he wants a vaccine that would save millions of lives. In hindsight, I don’t think that private e-mail server was as big a deal as it was made out to be, y’know?
The Manchurian Manchild is so pathetic, so insecure, so utterly, infinitesimally small, that he has hired Russia hookers to piss on 40 years of tradition, refusing to host a ceremony unveiling his predecessor’s official presidential portrait. In fairness, if I were a pudding-brained, butthole-mouthed, tiny-fisted, turd-gargling lout like Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I suck.”), I probably wouldn’t welcome the side-by-side comparison with a much better man either. When the time comes, I assume Diamond Joe will be gracious enough to display Littlefinger’s likeness, which I anticipate will be finger-painted by an imprisoned white supremacist working in the medium of his own smeared feces, inside the White House’s most presidential dumpster.
Well, Comrades, our years of sinister planning have finally paid off, and Operation: Jade Helm 2 – Spud Hawk Down is a GO! Though Hairplug Himmler has finally uncovered our dastardly plot to storm Virginia’s newly-unguarded potato fields, it shall avail him naught, for Agent Ralph Northam has successfully stolen the second amendment and disarmed the once-formidable Tuber Militias BWAH HAH HAH!
The Shart Administration declassified an old Susan Rice memo proving once again that “Obamagate” was just the previous administration behaving rationally, legally, and appropriately, which I guess must seem scandalous to a crooked cabal that spends its days trying to steal anything that’s not nailed down. “My god, they actually tried to serve the PEOPLE rather than themselves,” said Steve Mnuchin in a hushed whisper, as Ben Carson fainted in disbelief.
Ok friends, that’s all I got. I know it isn’t necessary to say this, but don’t swallow anything poisonous, no matter what the most powerful people in the world say. Stay safe, Resisters. (Seriously, don’t drink poison. Bye!)
*That’s “incompetence” plus “negligence.” My blog, my rules.