So, a few nights ago, I was on my way back to the fridge for another beer when I clipped my left foot on my workout machine, really jacked the fuck out of the big toenail, and for the first time since I started this blog, the biggest problem in my life had nothing to do with the attempted fascist takeover of the United States government, and I really delighted in the localized, low-stakes nature of my torment. Felt novel. Anyhoo, I promise not to talk about toenails anymore, there’s certainly no shortage of assholes to check in on, as the following paragraphs will illustrate:

So, the leading pusher of the ridiculous “Italygate” conspiracy theory turned out to be literally a realtor who pretended somebody else’s big fancy house was her own in order to seem important, and while I understand it’s possible, even easy, to fool some of the people all of the time, I humbly beg said rubes to at least make the damn con artists work for it a little, y’know? “Italian spy satellites changed my vote? Got it, lemme just jot that down in my Bible real quick, over one o’ them silly passages about loving thy neighbor.”

And the shitty thing is, you don’t even get to laugh at these dolts anymore, (a SQUATTING REALTOR? Who the fuck actually falls for such lame-ass, Junior Hitchcock garbage? And how much are you willing to wager on a friendly game of three-card monte?) on account of their penchant for terrorism. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security warned Congress this week of the threat of violence from those who’ve been duped into believing Tangerine Idi Amin will be “reinstated” to the Presidency by a pillow salesman with some obviously fallacious notions about how much meth he can handle.

Meanwhile, over on One America “News” Network, they are calling, with distressing nonchalance, for mass executions in the name of the Big (and Bigly Debunked) Lie. Seriously, you watch the creep in that video…I’ve seen sportscasters get more worked up reporting a backup catcher got traded for a player to be named later. Evil sure gets banal in a hurry, huh?

Incidentally, I pay for cable so I can watch pro wrestling and maybe yell at Chuck Todd a bit during my more masochistic moods; I feel like it’s wrong to ask me to fund stochastic terrorism in exchange for such simple pleasures. Also, insurance companies who try to get viewers emotionally invested in the extended cinematic commercial universes inhabited by their spokespeople should be, well, not executed, but certainly fined, and perhaps even spanked.

Speaking of the lethal consequences of disinformation, COVID-19’s Delta variant is the latest liberal hoax sweeping through MAGA Nation, where the evolutionary instinct for self-preservation has been overcome by the demented need to believe Anthony Fauci is some sort of deep state satanist seeking only to maliciously harm the pure, noble, (checks notes) grab-‘em-by-the-pussy guy.

Folks, COVID-19 does not care how unquestioningly you swallow every post in your Plandemic Patriotz Facebook group; COVID-19 just wants to get inside your body to kill you if it can. The Delta variant appears to be the most contagious yet, and since we already know that nearly all coronavirus hospitalizations and deaths nowadays involve the unvaccinated, you have all the information you need to protect yourself, provided you aren’t distracted by the shrieking realtor lady.

As we roll wearily towards the six month anniversary of That Time a Clump of Dipshits Tried to Murder Congress and End Democracy, we’re starting to see the inevitable bonanza of Say, That Was Really Something, Huh? retrospective tomes, each revealing the behavior of Treasonweasel Administration as somehow even worse than initially reported, during the four years when the daily newspaper was printed in blood, weighed as much as a car battery, and screamed when you opened it.

For example, back in the early days of the pandemic, with so much of the carnage wrought by the most catastrophic failure of leadership in American history still to come, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot apparently suggested hiding the problem at Guantanamo Bay. Now, off the top of my mask, I don’t know the precise square mileage of our little Caribbean black site, but I suppose it would’ve been kinda interesting to see if the resulting Jenga tower of corpses would’ve toppled before it became visible from space.

Now, most bungling autocrats would be content, simply inflicting mass casualties upon the civilian populace, but our boy Donnie Two-Scoops went the extra mile, getting nearly 900 Secret Service agents infected with the coronavirus through his recklessness and denial. Y’know, just because they’re pledged to take a bullet for you, doesn’t give you the right to melt ‘em with a magnifying glass like little green army men, you pile of puke.

Oh, and the Manchurian Manchild did indeed attempt to bring the unholy wrath of the federal government down upon those dastardly enemies of the state at…Saturday Night Live. Pardoned traitors and war criminals; sought to jail satirists. I’m glad I never got locked up for my lil’ poo joke blog, but I’m still at high risk of arrest for slapping the sanctimony out of the mouths of those treacherous dirtbags who still imagine they get to lecture us on patriotism after all the atrocities they enabled.

And then of course, who could forget Government Cheese Goebbels’ ravenous lust to deploy the U.S. military on American soil, to slaughter Black protesters in the streets? To “beat the fuck” out of them. To “crack their skulls.” To “just shoot them.” Hard to believe it was barely five years ago when we naively thought such unapologetic evil would be disqualifying, even for the white grievance-driven Republican base; now we understand they’ll never again accept anything less.

Silver linings were certainly hard to come by during those final, disastrous months of the Turd Reich, but learning that Joint Chiefs Chairman General Mark Milley got to tell fascist fuckboi Stephen Miller to “shut the fuck up,” right to his Nazi weasel face, fills me with light and life. Make me a Shut the Fuck Up, Stephen arcade game, and I’ll convert my life savings into quarters and tokens en route to transferring them to you.

The news that General Milley stood between them and their long-sought race war did not sit well with the braying white supremacists of Fux Nooz, who wasted little time ushering him in front of the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. Laura Ingraham wants to defund the military now, for studying the white rage she incites professionally. Tucker Carlson threw one of his patented propagandistic shitfits, proclaiming the veteran of seven combat tours to be “a pig,” and “stupid,” neither “brave” nor “respected,” and ultimately “unimpressive” to the doughy, mewling hate-monger who made his way in the world in the traditional Republican manner: inheriting wealth.

Just for good measure, Milley put odious felchmarmot Matt Gaetz in his place during a House Armed Services Committee hearing, and okay, Gaetz’s real place is in prison for trafficking minors in order to rape them for money, but Milley sure is living his best life, huh? Or maybe he’s living my best life.

As expected, Senate Republicans filibustered a voting rights bill, and I understand y’all are upset about that, but I’m a walk-a-mile-in-the-other-fella’s-shoes kinda guy, and honestly, if my personal failings were measured in Hundreds of Thousands of Graves, I probably wouldn’t have the most charitable feelings about accountability, either.

Well, Republicans, you had your chance to back a bipartisan independent commission, but you blew it. Nancy Pelosi wants you to know, she isn’t mad, just disappointed. So now she’s counting to three, she’s using your full names, and she’s establishing a select committee to investigate the terrorist attack on the United States Capitol on January 6th. And you can keep whining about partisanship if you really think it’s a good idea to remind the public that there’s only one party in this country interested in defending the homeland from terrorism, I guess. In conclusion, eat shit.

Somebody check Hades’ thermostat, because some Republicans are actually standing up to Hairplug Himmler and the Big Lie (the shittiest alt-right cover band in America) in Michigan, and they’re even gettin’ a little sassy about it! I guess a certain tiny-fisted tyrant doesn’t seem quite so menacing without his Twitter privileges. Some God Emperor you dorks picked.

Ron DeSanta wants to know if college students and professors in Florida have been naughty or nice, which is anti-American enough without noting he’s grading on a white nationalist death cult’s curve. Pro tip: when you’re punishing educational institutions for failing to produce drones that dutifully parrot your bankrupt ideology, what you are is a Nazi. Your mom must be proud.

So yeah, the Governor of Florida is a fascist, and with the help of his fascist state party, he is enacting a slate of shockingly fascist laws, right here in 21st century America. Oh, and doing so has made him the front runner for the national GOP’s Presidential nomination in 2024. I hope you don’t think this paragraph is building towards a punchline, by the way.

The nation’s hospitals, already straining under the weight of the latest coronavirus surge, now face a devastating wave of new patients, with injured backs, torn diaphragms, and even ruptured lungs, from laughing over-vigorously at the news that Rudy Giuliani got his law license suspended on account of all that seditious lying and whatnot. Ol’ Rudes is like MAGA Job, and I don’t imagine he’s stepped on his last rake, either.

(Son of Cousin-Fucker seems to think he can drum up some sympathy votes for his doomed gubernatorial campaign by whining about his traitor dad’s long-overdue comeuppance, and nobody spoil the surprise for the kid, okay?)

Merrick Garland announced the Justice Department is suing Georgia over their mega-racist new voter suppression law, but Brian Kemp and co. are pretty sure they crammed just enough plausible deniability in there to clear John “Racism Schmacism” Roberts’ low bar. While we breathlessly await Amy Coney Barrett’s thoughts on the matter, (thanks, third party voters!) Georgia Republicans are already giddily purging voters from the rolls and Black Democratic election officials from their posts, but why let a silly thing like evidence get in the way of institutionalizing white supremacy?

Still, Derek Chauvin has been sentenced to two decades+, and criminal charges for the Turdmaggot Organization could come as early as next week, so perhaps the concept of justice in this country hasn’t quite been perverted beyond all repair.

Well, after a long day of chroniclin’ fuckery, I like to do two things: drink beer and promote my upcoming comic book! Seriously, check this one out, friends, and sign up on our pre-launch page; you’re really gonna dig it. Stay safe out there!