Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Racism, Fascism, Conspiracy Theories, and COVID-19: Not a Rerun From 2020, I Swear
So, a few nights ago, I was on my way back to the fridge for another beer when I clipped my left foot on my workout machine, really jacked the fuck out of the big toenail, and for the first time since I started this blog, the biggest problem in my life had nothing to do with the attempted fascist takeover of the United States government, and I really delighted in the localized, low-stakes nature of my torment. Felt novel. Anyhoo, I promise not to talk about toenails anymore, there’s certainly no shortage of assholes to check in on, as the following paragraphs will illustrate:
So, the leading pusher of the ridiculous “Italygate” conspiracy theory turned out to be literally a realtor who pretended somebody else’s big fancy house was her own in order to seem important, and while I understand it’s possible, even easy, to fool some of the people all of the time, I humbly beg said rubes to at least make the damn con artists work for it a little, y’know? “Italian spy satellites changed my vote? Got it, lemme just jot that down in my Bible real quick, over one o’ them silly passages about loving thy neighbor.”
And the shitty thing is, you don’t even get to laugh at these dolts anymore, (a SQUATTING REALTOR? Who the fuck actually falls for such lame-ass, Junior Hitchcock garbage? And how much are you willing to wager on a friendly game of three-card monte?) on account of their penchant for terrorism. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security warned Congress this week of the threat of violence from those who’ve been duped into believing Tangerine Idi Amin will be “reinstated” to the Presidency by a pillow salesman with some obviously fallacious notions about how much meth he can handle.
Meanwhile, over on One America “News” Network, they are calling, with distressing nonchalance, for mass executions in the name of the Big (and Bigly Debunked) Lie. Seriously, you watch the creep in that video…I’ve seen sportscasters get more worked up reporting a backup catcher got traded for a player to be named later. Evil sure gets banal in a hurry, huh?
Incidentally, I pay for cable so I can watch pro wrestling and maybe yell at Chuck Todd a bit during my more masochistic moods; I feel like it’s wrong to ask me to fund stochastic terrorism in exchange for such simple pleasures. Also, insurance companies who try to get viewers emotionally invested in the extended cinematic commercial universes inhabited by their spokespeople should be, well, not executed, but certainly fined, and perhaps even spanked.
Speaking of the lethal consequences of disinformation, COVID-19’s Delta variant is the latest liberal hoax sweeping through MAGA Nation, where the evolutionary instinct for self-preservation has been overcome by the demented need to believe Anthony Fauci is some sort of deep state satanist seeking only to maliciously harm the pure, noble, (checks notes) grab-‘em-by-the-pussy guy.
Folks, COVID-19 does not care how unquestioningly you swallow every post in your Plandemic Patriotz Facebook group; COVID-19 just wants to get inside your body to kill you if it can. The Delta variant appears to be the most contagious yet, and since we already know that nearly all coronavirus hospitalizations and deaths nowadays involve the unvaccinated, you have all the information you need to protect yourself, provided you aren’t distracted by the shrieking realtor lady.
As we roll wearily towards the six month anniversary of That Time a Clump of Dipshits Tried to Murder Congress and End Democracy, we’re starting to see the inevitable bonanza of Say, That Was Really Something, Huh? retrospective tomes, each revealing the behavior of Treasonweasel Administration as somehow even worse than initially reported, during the four years when the daily newspaper was printed in blood, weighed as much as a car battery, and screamed when you opened it.
For example, back in the early days of the pandemic, with so much of the carnage wrought by the most catastrophic failure of leadership in American history still to come, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot apparently suggested hiding the problem at Guantanamo Bay. Now, off the top of my mask, I don’t know the precise square mileage of our little Caribbean black site, but I suppose it would’ve been kinda interesting to see if the resulting Jenga tower of corpses would’ve toppled before it became visible from space.
Now, most bungling autocrats would be content, simply inflicting mass casualties upon the civilian populace, but our boy Donnie Two-Scoops went the extra mile, getting nearly 900 Secret Service agents infected with the coronavirus through his recklessness and denial. Y’know, just because they’re pledged to take a bullet for you, doesn’t give you the right to melt ‘em with a magnifying glass like little green army men, you pile of puke.
Oh, and the Manchurian Manchild did indeed attempt to bring the unholy wrath of the federal government down upon those dastardly enemies of the state at…Saturday Night Live. Pardoned traitors and war criminals; sought to jail satirists. I’m glad I never got locked up for my lil’ poo joke blog, but I’m still at high risk of arrest for slapping the sanctimony out of the mouths of those treacherous dirtbags who still imagine they get to lecture us on patriotism after all the atrocities they enabled.
And then of course, who could forget Government Cheese Goebbels’ ravenous lust to deploy the U.S. military on American soil, to slaughter Black protesters in the streets? To “beat the fuck” out of them. To “crack their skulls.” To “just shoot them.” Hard to believe it was barely five years ago when we naively thought such unapologetic evil would be disqualifying, even for the white grievance-driven Republican base; now we understand they’ll never again accept anything less.
Silver linings were certainly hard to come by during those final, disastrous months of the Turd Reich, but learning that Joint Chiefs Chairman General Mark Milley got to tell fascist fuckboi Stephen Miller to “shut the fuck up,” right to his Nazi weasel face, fills me with light and life. Make me a Shut the Fuck Up, Stephen arcade game, and I’ll convert my life savings into quarters and tokens en route to transferring them to you.
The news that General Milley stood between them and their long-sought race war did not sit well with the braying white supremacists of Fux Nooz, who wasted little time ushering him in front of the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. Laura Ingraham wants to defund the military now, for studying the white rage she incites professionally. Tucker Carlson threw one of his patented propagandistic shitfits, proclaiming the veteran of seven combat tours to be “a pig,” and “stupid,” neither “brave” nor “respected,” and ultimately “unimpressive” to the doughy, mewling hate-monger who made his way in the world in the traditional Republican manner: inheriting wealth.
Just for good measure, Milley put odious felchmarmot Matt Gaetz in his place during a House Armed Services Committee hearing, and okay, Gaetz’s real place is in prison for trafficking minors in order to rape them for money, but Milley sure is living his best life, huh? Or maybe he’s living my best life.
As expected, Senate Republicans filibustered a voting rights bill, and I understand y’all are upset about that, but I’m a walk-a-mile-in-the-other-fella’s-shoes kinda guy, and honestly, if my personal failings were measured in Hundreds of Thousands of Graves, I probably wouldn’t have the most charitable feelings about accountability, either.
Well, Republicans, you had your chance to back a bipartisan independent commission, but you blew it. Nancy Pelosi wants you to know, she isn’t mad, just disappointed. So now she’s counting to three, she’s using your full names, and she’s establishing a select committee to investigate the terrorist attack on the United States Capitol on January 6th. And you can keep whining about partisanship if you really think it’s a good idea to remind the public that there’s only one party in this country interested in defending the homeland from terrorism, I guess. In conclusion, eat shit.
Somebody check Hades’ thermostat, because some Republicans are actually standing up to Hairplug Himmler and the Big Lie (the shittiest alt-right cover band in America) in Michigan, and they’re even gettin’ a little sassy about it! I guess a certain tiny-fisted tyrant doesn’t seem quite so menacing without his Twitter privileges. Some God Emperor you dorks picked.
Ron DeSanta wants to know if college students and professors in Florida have been naughty or nice, which is anti-American enough without noting he’s grading on a white nationalist death cult’s curve. Pro tip: when you’re punishing educational institutions for failing to produce drones that dutifully parrot your bankrupt ideology, what you are is a Nazi. Your mom must be proud.
So yeah, the Governor of Florida is a fascist, and with the help of his fascist state party, he is enacting a slate of shockingly fascist laws, right here in 21st century America. Oh, and doing so has made him the front runner for the national GOP’s Presidential nomination in 2024. I hope you don’t think this paragraph is building towards a punchline, by the way.
The nation’s hospitals, already straining under the weight of the latest coronavirus surge, now face a devastating wave of new patients, with injured backs, torn diaphragms, and even ruptured lungs, from laughing over-vigorously at the news that Rudy Giuliani got his law license suspended on account of all that seditious lying and whatnot. Ol’ Rudes is like MAGA Job, and I don’t imagine he’s stepped on his last rake, either.
(Son of Cousin-Fucker seems to think he can drum up some sympathy votes for his doomed gubernatorial campaign by whining about his traitor dad’s long-overdue comeuppance, and nobody spoil the surprise for the kid, okay?)
Merrick Garland announced the Justice Department is suing Georgia over their mega-racist new voter suppression law, but Brian Kemp and co. are pretty sure they crammed just enough plausible deniability in there to clear John “Racism Schmacism” Roberts’ low bar. While we breathlessly await Amy Coney Barrett’s thoughts on the matter, (thanks, third party voters!) Georgia Republicans are already giddily purging voters from the rolls and Black Democratic election officials from their posts, but why let a silly thing like evidence get in the way of institutionalizing white supremacy?
Still, Derek Chauvin has been sentenced to two decades+, and criminal charges for the Turdmaggot Organization could come as early as next week, so perhaps the concept of justice in this country hasn’t quite been perverted beyond all repair.
Well, after a long day of chroniclin’ fuckery, I like to do two things: drink beer and promote my upcoming comic book! Seriously, check this one out, friends, and sign up on our pre-launch page; you’re really gonna dig it. Stay safe out there!