Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The Turd Reich Falls! (…Directly on the MyPillow Guy’s Head, Apparently)
Figured I’d give y’all a little somethin’ to read while you’re waiting for the clerk to restock the champagne shelf. (Yer own fault for waiting until the last minute, there was always gonna be a rush) Anyway, the end of America’s first openly fascist presidency is, in my humble opinion, pretty rad. Let’s talk about it.
I know we were just laughing at Betsy DeVos and Elaine Chao, but they’ve got nothin’ on HHS Secretary Alex Azar and his feeble stab at a Far Far Better Thing moment of his own. Shit, Mel Gibson might just need to make a movie about Alex, such was his valor in submitting that o-so-principled resignation, effective the day his enabling ass was getting fired anyway. What next? Will Ben Carson burst through the doors, twenty minutes into Joe’s first State of the Union, proclaiming he’s Finally Had Enough of Donald Trump’s Lies™️?
Online misinformation about voter fraud in the 2020 election dropped 73% in the aftermath of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ social media ban, and I love everything about that sentence except the part where we gave that dime store dictator a platform to pour his poison into our ears, all goddamn day long, in the first place. Still, sure is fun watchin’ him shrink into nothingness without a stage to bellow from, innit?
I’ve spent much of the past few days cackling to myself over the delectable catch-22 facing President Crotchrot in his upcoming second impeachment trial: nobody but Rudy Giuliani is dumb/crazy/treasonous enough to represent him legally, but Amerikkka’s Mayor can’t take the gig because he’s a witness in the trial, having done his level best on January 6th to incite the assembled Loser Legion to seek “trial by combat.” (Golly, how does Wee Don keep getting into these WACKY predicaments?)
On the other hand, the argument could be made that the public is being cheated out of the spectacle of Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s planned defense, which was to involve “proving” his widely debunked litany of voter fraud lies, since that went so well the last time he tried it. Not that doing so would provide a legal justification for terrorist insurrection, of course. Like, if you incite a violent mob to storm an Arby’s, the objective tastiness of the curly fries is not a valid excuse for bludgeoning the manager to death with a fire extinguisher. Am I going too fast for anyone?
I’m pleased to report I’m still sickened by the news of the “pardon market” that’s sprung up in these lame duck days of the Turd Reich. Four years of flooding the zone with shit, you gaslighting bastards couldn’t wear out my capacity for outrage at your shameless corruption, though nobody can say you didn’t try really fucking hard. Anyway, you’re about to find out it’s less fun begging for pardons than passing ‘em out like candy.
Meanwhile, the federal prison system continues to swell with the ranks of the blockhead brigade that stormed the Capitol a few days back, in hopes of making Louie Gohmert’s Dumbest Wish come true. That girl who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop with the intention of selling it to the Russians got arrested. Did I mention the mob contained a girl who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop with the intention of selling it to the Russians? I don’t think I did. So, this girl stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, with the intention of selling it to the Russians, but now she’s in jail, with all the other “patriots.”
Of course, now that most of the clowns have been rounded up, we’re starting to see arrests of the scarier, more organized militia types. And with rumors growing of lawmakers begging their Hemorrhoid Emperor for pardons over their roles in this stupid, yes, but inescapably violent coup attempt, I don’t think any of us have screamed our last WHAT THE LIVING FUCK at a breaking news push notification, y’know?
I always knew Lindsey Graham would go down groveling, and hoo boy, he did not disappoint. Bet he sneaks into Melania’s luggage and winds up curled in front of the fireplace down at Marm-a-Lago, hoping everybody just assumes someone else invited him.
I see the Taintmaggot Administration chose their final Martin Luther King Jr. Day in office to release one last wheezing asparagus fart of institutional white supremacy, unveiling the so-called “1776 Report,” a Stephen Miller shitfit poorly disguised as a “rebuttal” to the New York Times’ 1619 Project. Compiled by a particularly subpar gaggle of Trumpist mediocrities who, like the Fates of yore, share a single brain cell which they pass between themselves, the report serves, at the very least, as a tidy little debunking of the very notion of white supremacy, because if this tripe is the best y’all can come up with…yikes.
Here in the midst of one of the pandemic’s worst stretches yet, Hairplug Himmler actually tried to lift Covid-related travel bans. Now, there’s no possible logical reason to do this, unless you happened to be a vengeance-crazed septuagenarian toddler looking to add a few final turds to the gargantuan dookie mound you’re already leaving for the next guy, an unlikely scenario, yes, but surely we’ve all been trapped in Shitty Wonderland long enough to expect this sort of thing by now.
Honestly, it seems the lone remaining conservative value (outside of bigotry, of course) is spite. Whether sneaking unqualified loyalist hacks into the federal bureaucracy or implementing mischievous little last-minute regulations, you certainly can’t accuse Team Skidmark of passing up any opportunities for pettiness; I suppose you have to do something to fill the hours you’re not spending fighting the damn coronavirus, right?
We learned freshman Congressfreak Marjorie Taylor Greene’s devotion to wackadoo wingnut conspiracy trash runs even deeper than previously known; she claims the Parkland shooting was a “false flag,” perpetrated by the insidious likes of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton, to prevent Real Muricans like Marjorie from pouring meth and gunpowder on their morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs. If Kevin McCarthy really wants to keep this skeevy creep in his caucus, give her committee assignments and such, I say PROCEED.
As we reflect on Tangerine Idi Amin’s legacy, here on the eve of his departure, I think it’s important to be truthful. Fair. Balanced. He may not have been any good at managing the economy, or negotiating international agreements, or creating jobs, or building walls, or running casinos, or convincing his own wife to share his bed, but you have to admit, he had a real talent for getting Americans killed. 400,000 Covid deaths in less than a year is, you must admit, an eye-popping achievement. It’s a matter of perspective; he may’ve been the American public’s deadliest enemy in decades, but he’s the best friend a novel coronavirus could hope for.
Of course, the lying lamestream media suppresses the voices of these patriotic viruses, which is certainly a better explanation for the last-minute plunge in Shart Garfunkel’s approval ratings than any intrinsic American distaste for the violent overturning of presidential elections by the dumbest white dudes in all creation.
While I’m optimistic, we all know it’s far from certain the Velveeta Vulgarian will ever face justice for his many crimes, so, as a fallback plan, I’m looking to harvest as much schadenfreuderrific glee as I can from the category 5 shitstorm bearing down on that MyPillow fella’s pudding-filled head.
See, Mike Lindell threw his support, extremely publicly, behind a fascist coup…a week after it failed, and now he can’t figure out why national retail chains no longer want to sell his Nazi loser pillows, because I guess you don’t have to be Sun Tzu to make it big in the bedding game.
Even better, facing the same defamation lawsuit threats that have already sent multiple right-wing media outlets scrambling to issue obsequious retractions, Lindell defiantly, foolishly screeched COME AT ME BRO, and dude, worry not…they will. Coming in 2022: MyPillow, a subsidiary of the Dominion Voting Systems Corporation!
In short, like every single news cycle for the last four-plus years…shit be cray.
…but tonight, this river of monkey crap is washing right over me, because the next time we meet, Shower Captives, Joe Biden will be the President of the United States and Kamala Harris will be the Vice President of the United States, and I feel like I’ve been camped outside Tower Records waiting for this particular album to drop for oh, about four motherfucking years, give or take a century.
After an emotional farewell speech in his home state of Delaware, Smilin’ Joe packed up and headed back to our poor, besieged capital, ready to take power, with an eye on healing, progress, and cleaning up the various mile-high shitpiles left by his disinterested predecessor.
He’ll have help. Just in time, the Secretary of State in Georgia officially certified Ossoff n’ Warnock’s Senate wins, (so the Georgia GOP can move on with planned voter suppression efforts, don’t take your eyes off these fucks for a minute) so Mitch McConnell’s reign ends tomorrow as well. If one can overdose on glee, I’m gonna.
Determined to go out like a loser, Donnie Dotard refuses to attend the inauguration, and he can’t seem to give tickets away for his own going away party. And now begins the phase of his life where every knock on the door might just be law enforcement, come at last to take him away. That’ll be fun. For us, anyway.
I’m sure there’s plenty more last-minute fuckery out there, but y’know what? Tonight, let’s forget all that crap and get good n’ fucked up on HOPE. I haven’t looked forward to a tomorrow like this in…some time, folks. Stay safe out there.