Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
This Week We Have to Shame our President Into Condemning the Murder of a Journalist. Citizenship is Fun!
Well, we’ve graduated from tut-tutting about civility to locking ourselves in the safe room as the mob of torch-wielding Democrats circles the old family mansion. Whatever. As Eric Holder said, “When they go low, we tie them to the fire ant hill, and laugh at their screams as they are devoured alive. Only metaphorically, duh.”
This week we learned that Rand Paul’s wife is a paranoid idiot, which shouldn’t surprise us, because who but a paranoid idiot would marry Rand Paul?
We also learned that John Kelly doesn’t like no uppity women sassin’ him with their opinion-having and whatnot, even when they are famous, powerful, United States Senators like Elizabeth Warren. Gosh John, you’re gonna really hate it next year, when your full-time job will be fielding subpoenas from the army of new Congresswomen who are about to take over the House and hold your shitty boss accountable for once.
And Director Chris Wray admitted that the FBI didn’t so much “investigate the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh” as “make a butter sculpture of the FBI investigating the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh,” but hey, at least the consequences won’t affect the country for decades to come, right? Wait.
Everybody congratulate Sheldon Adelson, who has his very own Pet President! The rest of us are fucked, but at least Sheldon can count on the most powerful person on Earth acting like his personal agent. Amazing what a few million bucks buys these days. I wonder if he can make Shartboy do tricks? Like, can he walk right into the West Wing, dangling an over-cooked steak and an eight-figure check, and make Fat Q*Bert roll over, and beg? Probably.
Facing down a Blue Tsunami of angry Americans who’ve patiently waited for two long years to fire their complicit, collaborating, asses, Republicans have hit upon a couple of novel last-minute solutions: lying and cheating.
See, these dutiful little plutocrat toadies finally figured out everybody’s pissed off about their dozens of attempts to steal health insurance from millions of their constituents, so now they’re pretending that they’re all just gaga about protections for pre-existing conditions, and also everyone should get TWO lollipops when they go to the doctor. As though we’d forget about the eleventy-billion Obamacare repeal votes, and that giant fucking party they threw at the White House when they passed that bill that REPEALED PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. It’s like Wile E. Coyote running ads touting his commitment to roadrunner preservation.
And now Georgia GOP Governor candidate Brian Kemp is colluding with Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp to disenfranchise all those pesky African-American voters who are signing up to vote for Stacey Abrams. (Yeah, they’re the same person. That’s the joke.)
Yeah, the gerrymandering and the 24/7 propaganda-blasting media bubble aren’t enough. Republican politicians now want to personally hand-select their electorate, voter by voter. There’s a lawsuit aiming to force Kemp to actually allow democracy to happen in America, but he’d much rather fear-monger while abusing the power of his office in service to gifting himself a still more powerful office to abuse.
Similar fuckery is being perpetrated by RepubliThugs in North Dakota and Missouri and Indiana, because nothing in the world scares a conservative more than a voter. Seriously, just go trick-or-treating in their neighborhoods wearing regular clothes with a couple of those “I Voted” stickers. They’ll lock their doors, turn off their lights, and most likely start shooting.
Pissant Pol Pot himself, or a ghost writer anyway, published a health care editorial in USA Today. It was…somewhat less than honest. As the saying goes, every word was a lie including “and” and “the.” Fucker might not be bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but I imagine the fact-checker class is vacationing in the Hamptons by now.
Oh, and Sharty McFly invited Olivia Nuzzi into the Oval Office to watch his brains leak out of his ears and nostrils for a while. Anyway, he’s still a massive fucking idiot, driven by vanity and grievance, in case you were wondering.
Queen Melania, hot off her tone-deaf African vacation, proclaimed herself to be The Most Bullied Person in the Whole Wide World Prolly, which will perhaps come as a surprise to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who has been unable to return to her home because of all the death threats. Maybe they can arm-wrestle for the title.
I see the Sensei of Sez-Hoo himself, Michael Cohen, has joined the Democratic Party. I know your first impulse is, “Fuck no, we don’t want the weasel,” but let’s explore some possibilities. His potential as a fundraiser, be it in a dunk tank scenario, or a $10,000 per plate…of rotten fruit to throw at his shitty little face scenario, is virtually limitless.
I suppose the big story is still the thing about Saudi Arabia kidnapping, murdering, and FUCKING DISMEMBERING Jamal Khashoggi, a critical journalist, and how the immoral shitpiles in our government are totally, 100%, cool with it.
Government Cheese Goebbels responded “Hey, it’s just one guy, he wasn’t even an American citizen, and he was an Enemy of the People™️ after all, so why should we let it stop us from selling them weapons to murder Yemeni children with? Especially when they put so much filthy oil money directly in MY pockets and hell no you can’t see my tax returns!”
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag wants everybody to know he’s certainly not canceling his Saudi trip. Louise has been looking forward to the shopping for SO long, and you can imagine what she’s like when she’s disappointed.
Oh, and we’re hearing that American intelligence agencies intercepted communications where the Saudis talked about kidnapping Khashoggi, and then the government decided not to warn him of the danger he was in. Which makes the Trump administration DIRECTLY COMPLICIT IN THE MURDER OF A JOURNALIST GET IT HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wait, that’s not a joke. That’s the horrific reality of one free-press-hating regime collaborating with another to commit murder.
Anyway, let’s remember that any other American President would have immediately brought the totality of our nation’s power down, like God’s own hammer, on Saudi Arabia’s murderous new crown prince by now, but we in our wisdom elected the grifter who won’t think twice about America’s values when his own financial interests are at stake.
And while Americans suffered and died in the latest major hurricane to hit the east coast, the Hairplug That Ate Decency tended to his #1 priority: his own ego. He refused to cancel his latest hate rally, because it wouldn’t be fair to him to sit at home pretending to give a fuck when everybody damn well knows he doesn’t, which has a certain logic to it, I suppose.
And then the Kanye thing. I’m not gonna jump on West, because I’m in the “I hope he gets the help he needs/it’s not cool to laugh at mental illness” camp. But the Velveeta Vulgarian, bringing in a celebrity to give him a lap dance while many Americans were losing their homes, or even their lives? Yeah, him I’m gonna shit all over.
The GOP candidate for Pennsylvania Governor, some dipshit called Scott Wagner, cut a campaign ad that’s about half a foot away from screaming that he will skull-fuck his opponent and then piss in the empty sockets. Anyway, now I think I’ll post seventy think pieces about how Democratic protesters are a violent, angry, mob, whaddya think?
Speaking of protests, the authoritarian dicktumors of Team Treasonweasel are trying to curtail protests near the Shart House, because they hate the Constitution and fear the people. Yeah, I know I’m not very funny tonight, something about seeing my government wage a multi-front war on freedom of speech fails to tickle my funny bone. My rage bone? My rage bone* is thoroughly stimulated.
Y’know, I think I finally figured out why so many Republicans rail and rage against colleges and the educated: perpetually-simmering envy of people whose brains actually work. Take these two young geniuses in Arizona whose diabolical plan to unmask a Democratic Congressman as a closet communist totally would’ve worked except for the fact that every single thing about it was epically fucking stupid and only a genuine fuckhead would’ve tried it.
Now it turns out the soulless scatmunchers in the Shart Administration enjoyed the first round of family separation atrocity so much, they’re plotting a sequel. I guess the viagra just isn’t getting the job done for Stephen Miller anymore.
I guess Miller ate paste in grade school. While I generally caution against confusing correlation and causation, if you see your kid chowin’ down on glue, go ahead and break that habit lest he grow up into the sort of monster who brings the full force of the most powerful nation in human history down on the heads of innocent children. Just to be safe.
In summation, I’m sick of these petty, evil, men hurting people in my name. I hope you’ll use this next month to do everything you can to pry this country out of their hands; it’s maybe the most important month of any of our lives. Get in the fight. History needs you.
*This is not what I call my penis, I promise.