Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Trump, Rudy, Rand, Cohen, Huck…the News is Like a Box of Crayons…64 Shades of Asshole.
I’m feelin’ nostalgic tonight, Shower Captives. I’m thinking about those bygone times when you could go days, weeks even, without paying attention to the news. Those were the goddamn wonder years, weren’t they? Morgan Freeman narrated ‘em, but he didn’t talk all that much, cuz we didn’t need hourly updates on whether or not the Sphincter Volcano occupying the White House had blown up the world.
And if you wanna get back to those days, you know we need to notch some wins in the 2018 midterm elections. Click on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms for all kinds of info on the battlegrounds. Pick out a candidate or two to adopt. Pitch in. Let’s get our country back on track.
Let’s start with a story that is almost too jackhammer-to-the-temples stupid to be believed, yet simultaneously the Single Most Trumpian Thing of All Time. Of course I’m referring to the recently-unearthed Shart House meeting between Weehands McNodick and a group of veterans organizations, seeking potentially life-saving policy changes.
Did these veterans walk away with the changes they sought? Of course not. Did they even find a respectful, sympathetic, ear in their President? Don’t be silly. Instead, the men and women who gave so much to serve their country were treated to a lengthy debate on whether it was Agent Orange or napalm Robert Duvall was talking about in that one scene in Apocalypse Now. Thanks for your service, right?
If you’re reading this in some far-flung future, I assure you, despite your instincts, this is really a thing that happened, in real life, and not an example of the news-spoof satirical style that was popular in the early 21st century. Presumably, you’re trying to pinpoint key moments in the decline of human civilization…well…”eureka.”
(The detail that really puts the cherry on top of the atrocity sundae here is Shart Garfunkel being completely wrong about one of the most famous quotes in film history.)
Hey, speaking of Apocalypse Now, I guess Erik Prince wants to be the literal “Viceroy” of Afghanistan, commanding a private army, all while rolling around in the pallets of cash shipped over regularly by the U.S. government, WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Anyway, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who’s too dumb to even order a goddamn steak, seems to think this a great idea. The horror…the HORROR.
Elliott Broidy finds himself under federal investigation for selling his influence with his ol’ chum Don the Con. Seems like a good time to remind everyone that Broidy, along with serial sex criminal Steve Wynn, and all-around-thug Michael Cohen, made up the RNC’s Finance team leadership, so yeah, one of our two major political parties is basically a criminal enterprise run by known criminals, but we can still get a gymful of rubes in Sheboygan to chant “drain the swamp” because this is Hell.
So, intelligence officials are notoriously non-political, during and after their service. This is, of course, for the very good reason that their work is so important that it must transcend partisan squabbling, and with the exception of that time Leon Panetta had a post office blown up rather than see it renamed after a former colleague who owed him 50 bucks from a Super Bowl bet, this unwritten rule has held as long as I can remember.
So when this all-star team, basically the Traveling Wilburys of the IC, writes an open letter saying “Look, there is some deeply un-American fuckery goin’ on with this Trump kid, and he needs to cut it the fuck out,” we should listen. Is all I’m sayin’.
Kevin McCarthy blew the lid off the Deep Dish State’s sinister conspiracy to silence conservative speech by making Kevin McCarthy too fucking stupid to understand his own account settings. This dude is in House LEADERSHIP, y’all. You’re starting to understand why they can’t pass any legislation, aren’t you? Actually, you’re probably wondering how these clowns don’t lock themselves in the damn bathroom all the time.
Joke’s on you. They removed the knob during the Gingrich years. CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!
Man, what in the blue hell is going on with Rand Paul? He used to be a man of many interests! Showboating, grandstanding, wasting Congress’ time on useless symbolic votes, getting punched…now he’s laser-focused on just one thing: representing our ol’ buddy Vlad Putin’s interests. Rand, who used to be isolationist by 19th-century standards, suddenly wants to lift all sorts of sanctions on the country that ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES in 2016. Anyhow, I’m sure the most self-righteous Senator this side of Ted Cruz just changed his mind, and there’s no kompromat whatsoever involved
Little Georgie Papaderpaderp’s sentencing is coming up, and the Bobadook has recommended a light spanking for the naughty boy. Honestly, in the end, I dunno if George will merit more than a passing cameo in the epic Oliver Stone film of these stupid, stupid, times. A couple generations ago, it would’ve been a nice little part for Sal Mineo.
An article in the Failing New York Times revealed that White House counsel Don McGahn gave 30 hours worth of interviews to Team Mueller, all with President Crotchvoid’s giddy-if-clueless blessing. Oh, and he may have done so to avoid being tossed under the bus by his shitsack boss.
Hilariously, Fat Q*Bert doesn’t seem to have understood the consequences of allowing McGahn to speak to Mueller until he read the abovementioned article in the Failing New York Times. Lord. Even after after two years’ worth of steady evidence of the man’s mental shortcomings, I confess I’m stunned that he’s really THAT dumb.
By now I’m sure you’ve heard about Rudy Giuliani’s famous “truth isn’t truth” line, but what the LAMESTREAM MEDIA won’t tell you is that before Chuck Todd so rudely interrupted him, Rudy was just about to launch into an epic poem of his own composing, a modern-day take on Ode on a Grecian Urn; “Donald is truth, truth, Donald…that is all ye know on earth and everything else is a witch hunt, SAD!”
Do I need to cover the fucking tweets? Maybe I should just cut and paste the same paragraph into every single blog post from here on out. Something like, “The President of the United States, who spends every waking moment in mortal terror of law enforcement drawing ever closer to holding him accountable for his many crimes, shit his pants, grabbed his phone, and screeched some rage-and-lie-filled garbage into the void, in a desperate, futile, attempt to slow his black, racing, heart for a fleeting moment, until General Kelly changed his diaper and spoon-fed him some ice cream spiked with horse tranquilizers, and then he wandered off to golf.”
Pajama-Clad Self-Own Factory Blake Farenthold is doing all he can to combat his image as an abusive sexual predator. That’s not fair, proclaimeth Blake! I’m ALSO a whiny brat who can’t take responsibility for my actions AND a totally unethical, self-serving, crook AND just a general dirtbag who talks like a denizen of Jim Jordan’s locker room.
Sign of the times: a Shart House employee was fired last week once his ties to white supremacist organizations surfaced, and you totally had to check the date on the article, because you weren’t sure if was a new guy, or one of the other high-ranking executive branch officials fired for associating with white supremacists. Didn’t you? I sure did.
Former Governor/Progenitor of the Subpar Mike Huckabee keeps workin’ on his stand-up set, but every punchline is “Mike Huckabee is racist trash,” and you’ll only laugh if you find hatred amusing. He’s knockin’ ‘em dead on the Klan rally circuit.
Rumor has it that th’Feds are preparing charges against Michael Cohen, and they could be announced by the end of the month. I guess they found something in that raid, but what? Tax fraud? Campaign finance violations? Spray-painting “Mikey + Donny 4-Ever” on public property? Anyway, you know Cohen’s full-time job these days is digging up every little bit of dirt on his old boss that he can think of to swap to prosecutors for leniency, and that thought brings a nasty little grin to my face.
…does anyone else imagine Cohen and Manafort swapping letters, or maybe texts, lamenting that they’d almost certainly have gotten away with their lifetimes of crime, and retired happily on the ill-gotten fruits, had Donald Trump never run for President? That makes me smile, too.
Need a laugh? ABC published this lil’ thing about how Dr. Ben Carson’s reputation has been shredded and shit on due to his association with Tangerine Idi Amin. Don’t worry Ben, they’re using that spot where your portrait used to hang to store grain.
Oh Scott Pruitt, I just can’t quit you! Yeah, Scotty’s back in the news today, since apparently he only used his $43,000 James-Bond-for-dipshits soundproof booth ONCE during his entire tenure, for ONE five-minute phone call. Yeah, yeah, nice catch, you fancypants watchdogs! But Scotty used that booth for a whole lot more than phone calls, which you’d know by now if you’d looked at it under a black light.
I see President Shartcannon has fully internalized the idea of an interview with Mueller being a “perjury trap.” I know we hear those words a lot these days, but everybody please take ten steps back and recall that an under-oath interview with law enforcement is only a “perjury trap” if you intend to lie. “Perjury” is just a fancy word for “lying.” Not even that fancy, to be perfectly honest.
A few paragraphs back, I think I said something about not believing Drumpfy was really THAT dumb? I take it back.
Fuck. Just reading the news makes ME dumber. It’s Flowers for Algernon in reverse. Maybe in two years we can get the country back on track and I can devote my mental energy to higher pursuits again. Or even lower ones. Fuck, I miss baseball. Though the case can be made that this whole shitshow started when my beloved Cubs turned reality inside out, so…
Anyhow, thanks for readin’, and I’ll see y’all soon.