Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Tucker Carlson and Other Assorted Bigots, by Cap & the Dominos
Y’know, things were actually pretty calm in Washington over the weekend. We might have even enjoyed an uncharacteristically normal news cycle or two, had not the maniacs in the conservative media stepped up to fill the void. There’s always one more meth-addled clown in the car, isn’t there?
Well, the February jobs report was megacrap. Odd that a monthlong government shutdown failed to produce runaway prosperity, don’tcha think? Anyway, has Shart Garfunkel’s joyride on the Obama economy finally run its course? Are we facing the consequences of the two-year theatrical run of Ernest Starts a Trade War? Tune in next week to find out, unless there are bread riots!
Bill Shine resigned. That’s fine. I don’t mind. Should I pine? He seemed unkind. I’m not blind. I won’t whine! In fact, I’ll fill my stein with the finest wine as I dine on brined swine.
Hey, so I guess a sex trafficker with significant ties to the Chinese government has been selling access to the Grand Wizard Grifter, a man who, as President, has shown a concerning willingness to put American policy up for sale to the highest bidder. I feel like that should be a bigger deal, don’t you? I feel like this should be a Drop Everything and Get to the Bottom of it Right Goddamn Now kind of story…so why does it feel like it’s landing like “Hey Look at this Video of a Cat and a Waffle who are Best Friends?”
Following a favorable court decision, the Bonespur Buttplug is moving forward with implementing parts of his hateful transgender military ban, which is another story that seems like it oughta be a bigger deal…y’know, the whole “moving backwards on civil rights” thing. I don’t want to bother anybody, but it seems like the sort of thing that might matter. A bit. Maybe.
Oh, y’know what else is happening? HHS needs more money to detain migrant children, so they’re diverting funds from frivolous little programs like “Alzheimer’s treatment” and “cancer prevention” to pay for more space to lock up little kids, because that’s the sort of thing you do when you let a Screeching Rectal Abscess like Stephen Miller set your priorities.
I see Betsy DeVos’ little brother, whose hobbies include war profiteering and freelance atrocities for hire, admitted in an interview to lying to Congress about some skeevy meetings on behalf of the Drumpf campaign, and I bet it’s a lot of fun sitting around, waiting to be indicted by the Mueller investigation. Every Amazon delivery brings a little thrill, doesn’t it, Erik? “Oh, is it a team of warrant-bearing FBI agents? Not this time, it’s just that autographed Jesse Ventura fanny pack I ordered! Maybe I’ll get one of those fun pre-dawn raids, better wear my nice pajamas!”
Despite a humiliating loss in 2017, and a lengthy history of censure, the Shittiest of All Possible Alabamans* is coming back for…wait for it…MOORE! GET IT? NOT ‘MORE,’ BUT…nevermind. Anyway, I guess “Judge” Roy Moore isn’t quite sick of seeing headlines documenting his proclivity towards child molestation, and wants to run for Senate again. But not ’till he’s rounded up every high school yearbook in the state for one giant bonfire, right?
Hey, speaking of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s old stompin’ grounds, I guess some of the frothier dumbfucks in the Rube Army actually had Government Cheese Goebbels sign their Bibles? Fake Christians engaging in a little light idolatry before the Walking Golden (Shower) Calf? Jesus, that’s the sort of literary cudgel symbolism you typically can’t find outside of a grad school poetry class.
While Hairplug Himmler has demonstrated little competence when it comes to diplomacy or legislation, the one field in which you must admit he’s exhibited consistent excellence is the steady annihilation of shame within the Republican Party. He’s really liberating conservatives from the shackles of Concealing Bilious Hatred From Polite Society.
Take Judge Jeanine Pirro, for example! Why, only a few short years ago, JP might’ve felt constrained when attacking a Muslim Congresswoman, perhaps limiting her tirade to a mere winking dog-whistle. But when the very Commander in Chief spreads racist conspiracy theories straight out of the Daily Stormer fan mail page, why hold back? Pirro got a little slap on the wrist this time, so maybe she’ll think twice before she takes that big leap to openly inciting violence against minorities…but then again, maybe she won’t.
Well, I’m sure the Judge is just an outlier. It’s not like white nationalists are working as staffers on prominent Republicans’ campaigns, or anything. Certainly not in Nebraska, and, I can assure you, most definitely not on Governor Pete Ricketts’ re-election team! Well, ok, except maybe this one guy. It’s ok though, the guy totally “regrets” his (checks notes) thousands of posts in a white supremacist chatroom. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
The nation reeled upon learning that the dead-eyed white supremacist with an asthmatic weasel’s laugh, aka Tucker Carlson, isn’t really the Kuddly All-Amerikkkan Hate-Monger he plays on television. Seems he hates women as much as he hates immigrants, which is…a lot. Oh, and for such a smug moralist, Liar Tuck is surprisingly down with child rape, which will please Judge Moore, if no one else.
Carlson won’t apologize, of course, and why should he? Spreading hate and fear is literally what he’s paid to do. The bigotry is the whole job description; the tough part is dressing it up like something else. I ask you…do you think the American right would rather get rid of the prejudice, or the pretense?
The moral of the story is, the only jobs you won’t lose when you get caught belching up the vilest imaginable hate speech are “Fox News host” and “U.S. President.”
Anyway, I think it’s well past time we lay to rest this ridiculous notion that our Very Fine POTUS is bigoted in any way! As Wild-Eyed, Bullet-Necklace-Wearing Loon Katrina Pierson reminds us, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is basically Lincoln.
You know who IS racist, though? Tucker Carlson, that’s who! Jesus, will I be able to finish tonight’s post without Media Matters releasing more of his pathetic drivel? It must be pretty tough to believe in your own racial superiority with that haircut, Tuck. Don’t know how you manage it.
Meanwhile, in the midst of all this rampant fuckery and unapologetic hate, the Republican base has decided that the real problem is the way they get treated like Klansmen JUST BECAUSE they wear their Klan hoods, excuse me, “MAGA hats” in public. So they’re making an app to help them find safe spaces where they can gather to swap QAnon theories and racist jokes while their Turd Emperor gives their bosses tax incentives to offshore their jobs.
Marco Rubio took a little break from tweeting out Bible verses he doesn’t follow to lament the explosion at the German Dam in Venezuela, and the ensuing blackouts. While there is no German Dam in Venezuela, there is a journalist named Germán Dam, who wrote an article on the electricity outages. It’s this sort of attention to detail that fills you with faith in the men and women who write laws for the rest of us. Seriously, raise my taxes right goddamn now, but let’s hire Rubio some staff before he endorses privatizing our nuclear arsenal, having mistakenly assumed he read “modernizing.”
After two years of incessant lying and nonstop failure, the one thing the Velveeta Vulgarian wants to set the record straight on is that he totally didn’t call Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple” because he’s a doddering old fart in a state of so-rapid-it’s-practically-visible mental decline, but because he is a genius who developed a bleeding edge time-saving scheme! Do you have any idea how many taxpayer-funded man-hours are lost annually to the blight of Using People’s Real Names? There’s gotta be some sorta Nobel Prize for this shit. Get me the Norwegian Ambassador!
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet dropped his funny little budget today, a deranged love letter to American plutocracy, scribbled in mustard on the inside of a small stack of fast food burger wrappers. Rather than clawing back one nickel’s worth of his tax scam’s massive giveaway to the wealthy, the budget proposes enormous cuts to the social safety net, cuz the Marm-a-Lago crowd is just plain sick of all the filthy takers breathing their air.
Because he is apparently incapable of learning on a deep, possibly even genetic level, Sharty McFly actually asked for a few billion dollars in Big Dumb Wall funding. Is he addicted to failure? Like some sort of reverse adrenaline junkie, forever jerking off to his own defeats? “Mick! Mick! Set up another summit with North Korea, I need another hit, Mick! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiick!”
And it looks like he wants to replace the entire State Department with a circa 1992 answering machine and a couple of inflatable tube men with Mike Pompeo’s face taped to the top. Oh, plus Princess Ivanka gets her very own $100 million slush fund to spend in her ongoing quest for Chinese trademarks. There’s even a conspicuously substantial appropriation for experimental hair growth tonic research.
Anyway, I’m releasing my own budget soon, and it calls for a vastly-increased beer allocation. True, Eisenhower warned of the Brewery-Industrial Complex, but ol’ Dwight was pretty much a cuck, wasn’t he? Anyway, I’ve gotta go get shitfaced before any more Carlson audio leaks.
*No small statement, that.