I think I’ve figured it out, folks. We’re all trapped in the pilot episode for the new Twilight Zone reboot. In like, some kind of alien zoo or too-much-candy-before-bedtime nightmare or something. Any minute now, the credits will roll, and things will go back normal. Any minute now…right?

Maybe not. Let’s do the news.

Obviously I shit on President Crotchrot a lot in my little blog, but even I have to admit he’s really good at a handful of things. Like, say, growing the federal budget deficit. He’s got a green fuckin’ thumb in that particular garden. That motherfucker’s up SEVENTY-SEVEN PER CENT so far this year. Don’t worry though; the deficit’s exploding and your tax refund is shrinking, but everybody down at Marm-a-Lago has enough extra cash now to gold-plate their vacation homes.

Actually the wins just keep piling up for the Hairplug That Ate Decency, in his desperate, all-consuming, insecurity-fueled, quest to eclipse his predecessor. Hey Barack Obama, you might win the popularity contest, you even won the popular vote a couple times, but did YOU ever have 64% of the American people believing you’re a literal criminal? I suppose the real accomplishment here is deceiving that last third.

And you know where else Weehands McNodick is kicking Obummer’s ass? The trade deficit, that’s where! We’re at a record $891.3 billion, how do you like THAT, Barry Soetoro? Now, while he doesn’t understand trade or tariffs at all, reducing the trade deficit is one of the only things the doddering old dolt actually cares about, and he’s even managed to fuck that up. He truly has that Reverse Midas touch.

Ben Carson announced his intention to resign his post as HUD Secretary at the end of Shart Garfunkel’s first term. Dr. Carson, I applaud your optimism. The end of Trump’s “first” term, by which I assume you mean January 20th, 2021, is the latest possible date you and every one of the sub-competent, grifting, fucksticks you work with will be gathered in the toilet of history like so many festering turds, and flushed once and for all. If the Impeachment Fairy shows up earlier, who knows when you’ll be asked to clean the grain out of your desk?

In New Hampshire, a group of Republican lawmakers figured it would be SO HILARIOUS if they wore pearl necklaces to a gun control hearing, because to be a Republican in 2019 is to be so morally warped as to think to yourself “Hmmm…should I mock the citizens I represent as they share their heart-rending stories of losing loved ones to gun violence? That seems kinda insensi-WHAT AM I SAYING OF COURSE I SHOULD!!!!!!”

Without a docile House majority to shield him from investigation, the Manchurian Manchild finds himself desperately seeking new tactics to put off his long-avoided comeuppance; he seems to have settled on whining. I’m surely not the only one who fantasizes about him screeching “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT” as he’s dragged away in cuffs, right? And they’re children’s cuffs, of course, so he can’t slip his tiny, adequate, hands right through them. My fantasies are thorough, and contain important details.

The Oversight Renaissance will not, it appears, be spreading to the GOP-controlled Senate, where Mitch McConnell clearly prefers wallowing in the Dark Ages of enabling corruption and treason, so long as he gets a steady supply of young, terrifyingly-regressive, federal judges to mainline directly into his eyeball. The Cohen hearings provided clear evidence, backed up with documentary proof, that Orange Julius Caesar committed a federal crime, and Senate Republicans, who are literally still investigating Hillary Clinton’s goddamn e-mails, refuse to even look into it.

Mike Rounds, who, as a United States Senator, is one of the most powerful people in the world, has been reduced to such a groveling toady that he went on television to dismiss his Turd Emperor’s crimes, obsequiously mewling that he only paid off Stormy Daniels because he luvs his family so much. Not enough to stay faithful to his wife, of course, but…y’know, we need to focus on the affection, not the felony. I don’t remember Senator Rounds being so forgiving to Hillary Clinton, oddly.

You know who IS getting a shiny new investigation? Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, that’s who. House Oversight has decided to poke around in Brian’s brazen, multi-front, assault on the right to vote. It kinda sucks to be in a two-party system where one party doesn’t believe in Democracy, but at least we’ve clawed back enough power to put up a fight.

I guess Pissant Pol Pot had to overrule his staff (and basic fucking common sense) to get his comically unqualified daughter a high-level security clearance to match the one given to his comically unqualified son-in-law. National security implications aside, it can really cause tension in a marriage between two scions of ultra-wealthy criminal cabals when one of them has access to classified intelligence they have no fucking reason having, and the other doesn’t. 

Speaking of Kid Nepotism, we’ve now learned that young Jar-Jar blocks actual American diplomatic officials from participating in his meetings with his BFFs in the Saudi royal family. Makes sense, frankly…when you’re selling American state secrets to journalist-dismembering autocrats for personal profit, nothing spoils the party quite like witnesses.

I swear, one day we’re gonna find out that Tiffany has been running drone strikes in the Middle East this whole fucking time.

The latest fruits of the Shart of the Deal’s mad international diplomacy skillz went on display in North Korea, where Kim Jong-un thanked Wee Don for his second Hey Have Some Free Legitimacy You Murdering Dictator You summit by swiftly rebuilding a rocket launch site he’d once pledged to demolish. You know the North Koreans are all out there, mooning our satellites at these nuke sites, too. Anyway, it’s truly a testament to American strength, being openly mocked by a third-rate, third-world, gangster.

CNN popped by to remind us that the Shart Administration has quietly snuffed out plans to put Harriet Tubman on the 20 dollar bill, because the Bonespur Buttplug will be damned if he lets the legacy of his genocidal forerunner, whose ghost is the only presidential poltergeist that still drops by to give advice, diminish in the face of this newfangled “diversity” craze. Currency is for only the Very Finest People, thank you very much.

Following that killer-if-totally-depressing New Yorker article, Tom Perez says Fux Nooz doesn’t get to host a Democratic presidential primary debate, on account of how they’re a shameless propaganda outlet for a cheap crook who keeps trying to tear up the Constitution for napkins to wipe ketchup stains off his tie. Are we finally ready to face up to the fact that Fox is less a news organization than a cancer chewing away at American democracy? Cuz it would be really great if we were.

Y’know who else is out at Fux? “Sheriff” Dave Clarke! Why? Who can say? Maybe it’s harder to rail against Democrats as baby killers when you’re paying somebody who is actually responsibility for killing a baby. Maybe somebody finally woke up and realized that a grown man who pins toy badges to his shirt because he think it makes him look a general in a movie he saw once isn’t a good advocate for…well, anything.

We need to make sure Kirstjen Nielsen keeps getting trotted out for the cameras from time to time, because she’s a fucking monster, and with all the day-to-day insanity, sometimes we forget about what a fucking monster she is. In an administration packed with the malicious, the incompetent, and the cruel, her evil is matched only by Stephen Miller’s.

Nielsen had to appear before the House Homeland Security Committee, and boy was she ever unhappy to be dragged away from the work she loves so much…torturing children. It’s hard to decide what infuriates you most about Kirstjen: her casual indifference to the suffering she’s responsible for, or her shameless lying about the atrocities committed under her authority. She sat there and lied, under oath, about things Congressmen and Senators had seen with their own two eyes. She said the cages they’ve thrown children into don’t count as cages because they’re bigger than dog cages.

And when the hearing was over, she went back to work. Not jail, work. The work of overseeing this network of concentration camps, full of children, even babies, opened and operated on American soil in the name of “homeland security.” While I sincerely hope Kirstjen rots in a jail for the rest of her life, I confess I’d also kinda like to see what she could bring to the role of Lady Macbeth.

I see Michael Cohen swung back by the Capitol to give his new friends on the House Intelligence Committee some gift baskets, full of artisanal sausages, scented bath products, and documents showing how his scumfuck ex-boss’ lawyers amended his previous statements to Congress so that everybody’s bullshit story lined up.

Speaking of the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, his bad breakup with the Velveeta Vulgarian has entered a new phase. Cohen wants his toothbrush and his Guns n’ Roses t-shirt back, and also $1.9 million in what he claims are unpaid legal fees, because I guess the paychecks stopped flowing when he started that whole “cooperating with the government” thing. Reached for comment, the Trump Organization responded, “Snitches get stitches, not paid!”

Hey look, Fat Q*Bert called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple!” What a delightful and amusing example of the rapid mental deterioration of a hateful old man who just so happens to posses the power to spread atomic death across the globe at the slightest whim! Ha ha ha! Hope he takes it well when his children are indicted!

So, Finnish journalist Jessikka Aro is a legit hero, having done the important (and dangerous AF) work of reporting on the Russian disinformation apparatus that ratfucked America so hard that we actually miss George W. Bush. And in thanks and tribute, she was set to receive the prestigious International Women of Courage Award…until some enterprising little Shartkin uncovered some social media posts where Aro dared to criticize the Archbishop of Fecal Worms, and the award was rescinded, because that’s just how fucking petty our rulers are these days. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll scrounge up some sort of plaque to give to Sean Hannity commemorating his groundbreaking work in the field of Making Up Shit That Scares Old White People.

I guess you can add “high school records” to the list of embarrassing secrets the Candycorn Skidmark desperately hides from the public, alongside “college grades,” “tax returns,” “real net worth” and “actual weight.” In a couple of days, we’ll probably learn that he sent thugs to break his elementary school principal’s legs, too. You know in grade school, his parents didn’t even get a report card, just a bill for all the paste and crayons he’d eaten.

Well, the House finally passed a broad resolution saying racism and bigotry is bad, a depressingly controversial idea in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka. You’ll be pleased to learn that 23 Republicans actually voted against the fairly general, non-binding, condemnation of hatred. Of course Republicans were really hoping for the public stoning of Representative Ilhan Omar, maybe with a little amendment saying “the only Republican in history who was ever the tiniest bit racist was Steve King but we totally took care of that,” but cooler heads prevailed and a better, more inclusive resolution was crafted.

Cap: Hey, let’s play a game! It’s called “Guess What Your Federal Government Has Been Up To?” Who has a guess?

Doe-Eyed Summer Child: Helping people? Making American citizens’ lives better?

Cap: WRONG! What are you, some kind of fucking idiot? You’re in Trumptopia now, dumbass! Who else?

Objective Reality: Tracking journalists and immigration activists? Keeping detailed dossiers on American citizens? Harassing them at the border, denying them the right to cross and do their jobs?

Cap: We have our winner!  That’s right, Virginia, you live a fucking POLICE STATE! You get a scratch n’ sniff sticker! Of a butt! No more games, let’s drag ourselves across the finish line, this shit is killing me tonight.

Lemme just give you a headline on this next one: “Wilbur Ross broke law, violated Constitution in census decision, judge rules.” Pretty straightforward, right? Cabinet secretary violates the Constitution of the United States of America, his resignation will be on the President’s desk before the sun sets, surely. I mean, the only way Wilbur Ross could possibly be allowed to remain in his post, without facing any consequences at all, not even revoking his discount in the White House mess, would be if the entire executive branch were basically one giant kleptocratic crime ring, an ethical black hole where…oh hang on, I get it now.

Anyway, basically all of my core beliefs were reaffirmed today, when a Republican Congressjag literally defended Nickelback on the floor of the House. That’s not a cheap gag I’ve been holding onto to fill space, folks, that happened in real life. Clearly compromise with these people is impossible; it’s a battle between good and evil now…at least I picked the right side.

I see Paul Manafort, after his life of crime and treason, having lied repeatedly to federal law enforcement and violated a previous plea agreement, has been sentenced to a mere 47 months in prison, laughably, almost tauntingly below the guideline range. Anybody out there still doubting that this is Hell? Bueller? Bueller?

Clearly worried that he’s TOO popular, the Marmalade Shartcannon is now looking to raid military pay and pension funds for “emergency” money to build that Big Stupid Wall that nobody wants. If the guy wants to keep dropping bowling balls on his own crotch, I say let him.

Ok. That Manafort sentence…I need to go scream into the void for awhile. What’s that? Look, find your own void to scream into, mine’s fuckin’ full, okay?