Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Turns Out Things Get Kinda Zany When You’re Prying Power Away From a Death Cult
Y’know, I really do love worrying less about what the crazy man is doing with the power of the American presidency, but watching the Republican Party congeal into its next, apparently equally grotesque form is…hoo boy. It’s somethin’. Like, “oh, we’re keeping ALL the crazy parts, huh? That’s…a choice.”
I don’t get it. Why are they still so feverishly loyal to Donald Trump, who can no longer navigate even his periodic ceremonial duties without A) whinging like a kid who didn’t get the Happy Meal toy he wanted, and B) waddling around aimlessly like someone who has never once in his life experienced a human social interaction?
Remember when you thought you lived in the greatest, most advanced country in the history of the world? Well, here we are, facing the deadliest days of this pandemic to date, worse off than any nation on Earth, because a political movement built on fascist-style disinformation finally bent our culture to the point where it snapped like balsa wood.
Spreading the coronavirus has essentially become a point of cultural pride for the president’s followers, which has of course proven catastrophic, but let’s not lose sight of just how deeply insane that shit is. This movement’s gleeful complicity in its own gaslighting, even in the face of mass casualties, is, by my calculations, the single mathematically damndest thing I have ever seen.
Gameshow Göring slithered down to Georgia for one of his precious hate rallies, allegedly in support of Loeffler and Perdue, who were paraded before the mob just long enough to absorb their manic “fight for Trump” chants. Heh. You clods thought he came all that way to help you? To give you a hand, out of the goodness of his heart? Does that sound like Donald Trump to you?
No, he was there to threaten y’all. “You want me to drive these cattle to the polls? Shit, you need me to, if you’re to have a snowball’s chance of competing with the massive coalition that rose up in opposition to my avalanche of atrocities. Well, you heard ‘em: fight for Trump.”
Alternatively, he can bring their bovine fury down upon your head; just ask Brian Kemp. I mean, the election is over. The fight is lost. Georgia’s votes have been counted three times and certified twice. But still, Hairplug Himmler calls to demand deliverance from democracy.
“There’s simply no way to accomplish that, Mr. President,” Kemp frantically attempts to explain, but it is an unforgiving Turd God you Republicans have elevated; you get him what he wants or he feeds you to the volcano.
See, that’s what pushes this shit over the line from garden-variety authoritarianism to pure Trumpist madness: not only must you overthrow the entire American system of government for your Maggot Monarch, he also requires you to design the whole plan from scratch and put in all the legwork yourself, and if you could get that done by the time he’s finished golfing, that’d be stupendous. The laziness in the face of such astronomical stakes is…Garfieldian.
Anyway, this particular excommunication ritual has been repeated countless times these last four years, yet somehow Republicans just keep lining up to get fed, one after another, into the wood chipper. Y’know, one of the reasons this party is so bad at governing is that they’re incapable of learning. (And 2020’s lessons have not been subtle.)
Like, what sort of Stalinist fun house are we locked in where only 27 of the 249 Republicans in the House and Senate are willing to acknowledge, on the record with the Washington Post, the objective truth of Joe Biden’s landslide victory? It’s not in dispute. You wouldn’t ask Roy Blunt if mustard exists.
Look at this silly, childish inaugural committee vote. Sure, it’s just some arcane bit of political theatre we never once thought about, but it’s still the leaders of the congressional Republican Party, frickin’ Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, lending the prestige of their offices to this dangerous drivel, and fucking OF COURSE it’s radicalizing millions of Americans.
Meanwhile, Texas AG Ken Paxton, certainly no stranger to bringing shame upon his office, picked up a half-eaten crayon and drafted his own warped, treasonous parody of a lawsuit, demanding the invalidation of crucial swing states’ election results, because the voices that speak to him through his molars are reasonably confident there was oodles of fraud.
Will any of this clownish fuckery succeed? Fucking of course not, it’s shitty performance art designed to distract and manipulate a colicky manchild king, but it’s also gasoline on millions of fires burning in millions of individual rabbit holes. This is how we wind up with armed terrorists besieging Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson’s private residence. I was really hoping the GOP would get out of the stochastic terror business post-Dotard, but I suppose these moral weaklings will never stop finding new ways to let us down, will they?
Yeah, seems like home delivery has become quite the popular innovation in wingnut rage swarm circles; the trend is really taking off in Idaho, where death cultists, excuse me, “anti-maskers” terrorized a 12-year-old child in his home, in the name of preserving the coronavirus’ God-given right to spread, unimpeded, from host to host.
Ron DeSantis finally earned his Police State Crackdown merit badge, sending armed officers to raid a coronavirus whistleblower’s home, menacing her children at gunpoint. See, Ron-Ron shows us where the Trump-infected Republican Party is headed; thuggish, mediocre white dudes experimenting with state violence to see how much they can get away with. Fascism filtered through the frat house. Gonna be great.
All across the nation, pundits shouted BINGO, as Rudy Giuliani became the latest Shart House figure to contract COVID-19. He was quickly joined by fellow Elite Legal Ninja Strike Force With Laser Eyes Too team member Jenna Ellis; the uninfected list is pretty much down to Betsy DeVos and Eric’s sex pillow, the one bearing Betty Rubble’s faded, crusty likeness.
Typhoid Rudy’s treacherous vacation exposed so many Arizona Republicans they had to shut down both houses of the state legislature, an event which concisely illustrates why I seldom invite death cultists to game night.
And the Empress Malaria unveiled her snazzy new ”tennis pavilion,” because “reading the room” doesn’t translate into Slovenian. I can’t imagine future administrations will even use these courts, on account of the absolute certainty they will haunted by the restless Covid dead.
Nothing drives home the reality of American decline under the Turd Reich quite like watching coronavirus vaccination begin…in other countries. England started dispensing doses this week, and Canada won’t be far behind, but here in the U.S. we’re doing this wacky thing where we let malicious idiots make life-or-death decisions for the rest of us, I don’t get it either, ANYWAY point is we’ve still got quite a few weeks of rather intense dying ahead of us yet. Who’s a superpower NOW, huh?
And fucking of COURSE Doctor Dotard declined a deal to acquire millions of doses of the Pfizer vaccine for U.S. citizens. Of COURSE those doses, including many manufactured on American soil, will instead be shipped to foreign nations who had the good sense not to elect yam-brained assclowns. Never forget, America, you make this mistake, you pay for it every minute for four years, no days off for good behavior.
I see Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar, understanding they’ll be despised forever by all decent human beings, bought themselves a plot of land on a heavily-guarded island for peasant-fearing billionaires, in a refreshing, if uncharacteristic acknowledgement of objective reality by high-ranking Trump administration officials.
The Arizona GOP, again, the very party exposed to a potentially lethal disease by Tangerine Idi Amin’s high priest just a few short days ago, apparently feels perfectly comfortable encouraging their base to die for Donald Trump, who would merrily set any one of them on fire for six dollars and a half-filled sandwich shop punch card. There’s gotta be a better cult you can join, guys. There’s just got to be.
And somehow Ron Johnson is still, STILL babbling about hyrdroxyfuckingchlorquine and platforming anti-science maniacs? Do we have to revisit drinking bleach and shining magic lights up our buttholes, too? Can we please move on from at least some of the lunacy? The parts that’re getting folks killed, anyhow?
You know deep in his broken, transactional heart, the Shart of the Deal truly expected the Supreme Court to gratefully deliver the United States government to him on a plate, to be looted in perpetuity by his shitty grifter spawn, so I sincerely hope some enterprising aide whipped out their phone in time to record the tantrum he threw when he received word they’d rejected his latest dumbfuck lawsuit. History deserves to see that tantrum. As do I, personally.
I really thought I was gonna make it through this shitstorm with my sanity scarred but basically intact, but watching Louie Gohmert’s tooth fall out, something deep within me finally snapped. Without quite understanding how, I find myself sewing an elaborate costume and working up a plot to kill the Batman. I…don’t even know where all this pleather came from.
What madness. And now Lou Dobbs and Stephen Miller are squabbling like shitty loser fascist cats and evil scumfuck Nazi dogs. 17 different Republican state attorneys general have joined Texas in their Pretty Please Murder Democracy For Us Amy Coney Barrett lawsuit, and…I dunno, I kinda thought everybody would be like, happy and relieved to leave the cray-cray con man death cult behind, but I guess some folks just like screeching gibberish while covered in their own filth. Different strokes.
Wait, what’s this? President Crotchvoid got Ted Cruz to agree to argue Paxton’s fatuous lawsuit before the Supreme Court? Don’t get me wrong, Ted’s ongoing debasement has been a welcome bright spot during dark times, but this is getting hard to watch. He’ll be dog-walking Cruz up and down the National Mall by a string of anal beads before long.
Well, forgive me for the unorthodox schedule this week, I’m adjusting to the post-election news cycle. If there’s not enough fresh bat guano by Friday to merit a full blog….hmmmm, I dunno what I’ll do. Might post a short one to get back on schedule, might post Saturday, might catch up next Monday. We’ll see. Only thing I know for certain is what comes next, which is drinking. Stay safe out there, friends.