Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Welcome to the Inaugural Shower Cap Blog Contest! Guess How Much Republican Racism There is in This Week’s News! Fabulous Prizes Await!
Hey hey, Shower Captives! We’re gonna play a little game with today’s blog. Without scrolling ahead, see if you can guess how many different stories of the GOP’s increasingly inhumane racism/bigotry/unashamed open white supremacy appear in this round-up, which picks up the news late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. A special Shower Cap prize awaits those who guess correctly!
But before we dive into that particular lemon-juice-and-broken-glass-filled pool, let’s recap the historic collision of two of history’s biggest, smelliest, sloppiest turds in Singapore.
Now, I’ve never read The Shart of the Deal, but I bet I can reverse-engineer the main points, having observed the artist at work:
1. Openly proclaim that you have done no preparation whatsoever, to pave the way for…
2. Accepting the first offer you get, which is actually a step backwards from previous agreements, plus…
3. Unilaterally offer your negotiating partner long-sought concessions, in exchange for a fat plateful of jack shit, but…
4. Claim they promised a whole lot more, but be careful not to get that in writing, then…
5. Hold out your hand expectantly in front of the Nobel people.
Basically, he swapped joint military exercises with South Korea (without telling them first, of course…allies are an obstacle when all you’re seeking is aggrandizement) for a less-specific version of the same empty bullshit promises these murderous thugs have been making for decades, and now he’s strutting around like history’s greatest peacemaker. It’s like if Neville Chamberlain were a professional wrestler.
Pushing this over line from merely embarrassing into Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office-Sweet-Jesus-I-Can’t-Even-Watch territory, President Groinrot seems to have gotten the idea to suspend military exercises from Putin, so honestly why don’t we just let Vlad move into the goddamn West Wing? Melania would be happier, and I’m sure it’d be more efficient.
While President Buttfungus sends his stooges out to condemn the leaders of our most faithful allies to eternal damnation, he praises the mass-murdering dictator of a literal hell-on-earth like he’s Joe Buck describing Clayton Kershaw. “He’s so funny, and smart, and he’s like, an abnormally good foosball player, he almost got me to put Hawaii on the line in a foosball game, the lil’ hustler. And his ass! It’s like Ivanka’s, when she was 17! I just want to bite it!”
And Kim Jong-un can’t believe his fucking luck. The candles on his birthday cake must have been magic this year! After all, they were made of tallow rendered from the bodies of North Koreans who were WORKED TO DEATH IN HIS SLAVE LABOR CAMPS AND NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR PRESIDENT FELLATE THIS DIME STORE POL POT BECAUSE HE’S LATCHED ONTO THE IDEA THAT THIS WILL MAKE HIM BETTER THAN OBAMA.
Anyway, Kim went home to brag about pwning America so hard, Mike Pompeo’s throwing tantrums insisting the signed agreement says things that it quite objectively does not say, and the Candycorn Skidmark himself has proclaimed he ended the North Korean nuclear threat despite leaving the regime in possession of all those nuclear weapons, which is a bit like claiming you’ve ended Phil Collins’ threat to Motown when his whiter-than-Tucker-Carlson’s-ass covers album is clearly still streaming on Amazon Prime, to detriment of all mankind.
So yeah, basically sound and fury, signifying fuckall. At least we were treated to a spectacularly awful propaganda video that I think we all know Stephen Miller put together on his phone in those spare hours he’s long since abandoned any hope of filling with human companionship.
Devin Nunes, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has had enough of your shit! The Deputy Attorney General (Yes, that spells DAG, yo.) reminded Devin that if he and his team of treasonous collaborators went through with their pathetic contempt of Congress political stunt, he could subpoena the shit out of their communications, and if that’s what y’all want, that’s what we’ll do. By the by, I call on y’all to investigate your own leaky-ass crooked staffs, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?
Nunes, clearly nervous as his inevitable day of reckoning drew ever closer, ordered his staff to draft legislation allowing federal inmates conjugal visits from pigs, can’t imagine why.
A senior official at Justice decided to teach the hypocrites on the right what “pro-life” ought to mean, resigning after Jeff Sessions unveiled his bold new “The Constitution clearly states that we must thin the herd by denying healthcare to those with preexisting conditions” stance. Lemme just say I am disappointed with the relatively small number of “You want me to WHAT? Oh HELL no!” resignations under this assclown regime.
And I see Bob Corker’s been cosplaying as his favorite fictional character, “Brave, Principled Bob Corker” from a magical make-believe land where the Republican Party stands for something other than “Hating Whoever Our Pumpkin Spice God Emperor Tells Us to Hate.”
Gosh, I’m just in awe of Corker’s bravery, aren’t you? Watching him boldly Speak Truth to Power™️ mere weeks before he flees electoral politics forever to enjoy the fruits of the personalized kickback he weaseled into the tax bill? Bob’s no different that Boss Shart himself; he wants to claim to credit for resisting without putting in the work. I say let’s give Bob’s job to Phil Bredesen.
Well, it seems the Shart Administration has finally realized they have a problem with their Tear-Children-From-Their-Parents’-Arms policy, and that problem is…they’re running out space! Not “Holy fucking shit, we are demons in human form doing evil work,” but “We have detained so many children we have run out of space to store them.” A human being with a soul might look at that situation and reflect, “Hmmm…maybe we could try being a little less evil,” but our governing kakistocrats figured, “Fuck it, let’s open up some ‘tent cities’ and fill ‘em with kids!”
(This space left blank to allow the reader to weep.)
So anyway, if anybody reading this knows Kim Kardashian, could you maybe call her up and see if there’s any way she could develop a hobby interest in the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WANTS TO OPEN ON AMERICAN SOIL?
I see Scott Pruitt’s wife finally found a job, that should free up some man-hours over at the EPA. Maybe they’ll finally have time to protect the environment a little bit HAHAHAHAHAHA BREATHABLE AIR IS FOR CUUUUUUUUCKS.
In a procedural filing to lock down some evidence, Rugged Robert Mueller casually reminded everybody that the fuckery he’s investigating isn’t all past tense, that Russians are still grabassing around in our elections, and oh yeah, the President and his party refuse to defend the nation from foreign attack, because they benefit from it, and isn’t it just swell that this is a fact of life in American nowadays? “Oh right! We’re governed by traitors! Anyhoo, is the Big Bang Theory on tonight?”
Brad Parscale, who you should follow if you’ve ever wondered “What would Goebbels’ Twitter feed look like?” thinks Jim Acosta should have his press credentials revoked for the crime, nay, SIN of…asking the President a question. Parscale’s the kind of Drumpf lackey that probably keeps a journal just to scribble down ideas for the experiments he wants to conduct on the inmates once he gets his own gulag.
I’d like to take a moment to thank Mark Sanford, for providing valuable, conclusive research on the gap between the Republican base’s professed values and their actual ones. Sanford, you’ll recall, while serving as Governor of South Carolina, abandoned his post, leaving his constituents without a Governor, to fly to Argentina to cheat on his wife, and of course lied about it. None of that was enough to prevent the fine upstanding “Christian” conservatives of South Carolina from electing him to serve multiple terms representing them in the U.S. House of Representatives.
But daring to criticize the Velveeta Vulgarian for his many ethical shortcomings? You go to far, sir! GLOVE SLAP! The White Supremacist Rage Cult the GOP has become will brook no apostates! The only value is Trump, and I expect to see a corresponding surge in the production of orange-colored stained glass before the year is out.
Nobody’s enjoying the Drumpf era more than Iowa’s Steve King, who’s really let his hair down lately, and by “hair” I mean “Klan robe.” Steve-O is now merrily retweeting the Nazi musings of a British Nazi, as if to say “Hey, look at this Nazi! Aren’t his Nazi ideas great, and shouldn’t we be more like this Nazi?” and can I just say that having a sitting U.S. Congressman promoting open Nazism on Twitter is…somewhat less than Bangarang.
In a truly epic act of bothsidesism, the GOP base decided that Virginia should also be for haters, nominating white supremacist fuckhead Corey Stewart to challenge the Dean of Dad Jokes himself, Tim Kaine, for a U.S. Senate seat. While Stewart is a genuinely vile human being, I confess it’s funny as hell watching the media squirm to find “fair” descriptors, ranging from “confederate statue defender” and “white nationalist sympathizer” to “conservative firebrand.”
Lemme help y’all out. If you’re looking for a word to describe a man whose campaign in 90% about traitor statues, and who pals around with Jason “I am a White Nationalist” Kessler, why not just say “asshole?” “An Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.” THERE, I FIXED YOUR HEADLINE. If you have a little more space to fill, maybe “An Ass-Backward, Hood-Wearing, Diarrhea-Belching, Black-Hearted, Colon-Huffing, Piece of Absolute Racist Trash Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.”
By the way, President Klanrobewedgie wasted no time in endorsing this flaming pile of mule excrement, so it’s probably time for another round of think pieces on whether or not it’s fair to describe our President as “racist.”
Also, Nevada Republicans nominated a pimp for a House seat, YES AN ACTUAL PIMP, so, y’know…family valyooz and all that.
Oh, and everybody say hi to Seth Grossman, Republican candidate in the open New Jersey 2nd, who has some thoughts on diversity, and SPOILERZ, those thoughts are super duper racist with white privilege sprinkles on top. Grossman remembers the good ol’ days when no matter the color of your skin, you were judged only by your qualifications, so long as your skin was white. If you’d like to donate to Jeff Van Drew, the Democratic candidate for this seat who is not an unapologetic shitsack, click here.
Tuesday night was much kinder to the blue team, as we emerged with another strong slate of candidates to challenge the Howler Monkey Meth Den across the aisle for control of the House, the Senate, and all life on Earth, prolly.
On that topic, big congrats to Jacky Rosen for makin’ it official in Nevada! Toss Jacky a buck or two if you can spare it, because sending Dean Heller to the private sector would be a big boost to Operation: Stop Mitch McConnell From Packing the Courts with Fuckweasels.
And another big state-level pickup, a Wisconsin senate seat, in a district that chose Poo by a 17-point margin in 2016, despite Governor Scott Walker’s passionate efforts to thwart democracy in his state.
Before we move on, meet Angus King’s Republican challenger in Maine, Eric Brakey! He’s certainly…enthusiastic.
At this point in the Broadway musical adaptation of this shitshow, Michael Cohen stumbles out on stage, dazed, disheveled, and disbelieving, to deliver a soliloquy song about his fall from the heady days of peddling 6-figure influence contracts to anybody dumb enough to accept them, to sitting alone in his apartment with whatever possessions the FBI didn’t confiscate, waiting to be arrested. Javert meets Jersey Boys.
Oh, and Mickey Dead Eyes’ lawyers are quitting. I’m sure it’s just cuz they think the case will be too easy and they’re only interested in challenges at this stage in their careers because they’re plucky and have something to prove and not because you’re guilty as shit and deeeeeeeeeeeeply fucked, Michael. Don’t worry.
Anyway, everybody’s wondering, will Cohen flip? Does this chintzy GoodFellas knock-off have the goods to take down the most powerful man on the planet? Will he run into state-level charges that the Tangelo Taint Tumor can’t pardon? Are there any underpants in his apartment than remain unshit*-in?
Foreign Policy (the magazine, not the Thing the Government is Supposed to Do) introduces us to Mari Stull, a Shart Administration apparatchik dutifully snooping around the U.N. and State Department in search of the insufficiently loyal. If this seems like rank political hackery at the expense of much-needed experience and competence, don’t worry, Stull is totally qualified for this gig; she used to be a wine blogger.
A wine blogger? Fuck. That’s like getting your political news from a lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe and a luchador mask.
Late breaking news says Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is planning on leaving her job as Chief Propaganda Minister to spend more time burning books and murdering puppies. So is her shitty little sidekick, Raj Shah. Anyway, the next press secretary will a be puppet that was fired from the Muppets for raping another puppet.
That’s all I’ve got tonight, friends. By my count, there were FIVE different stories about Republican racism in this one blog, but I totally fucking lied about giving you a prize. The prize was an entirely illusory promise. If it’s good enough for the President of the United States, it’s good enough for you. But I promise to completely denuclearize this blog really soon.
*Unshat? I’ve been drinking.