Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Would You Rather be Omarosa at a Campaign Reunion, or Stephen Miller at a Family Reuinion?
At this point, after nearly two years of being governed by this Clown Car Full of Rectums, I’m at the end of my rope, friends. I’m lookin’ at the clock every three minutes, asking, ”is it the midterms yet?” It’s like Xmas times a thousand, where I’m pretty sure I’m getting everything I ever wanted up to and including the Millennium Falcon, but there’s still a chance all those boxes under the tree are full of coal and Nazis.
And if you’re itchin’ to do your share of the lifting in the 2018 midterms, be sure to click over on Cap’s freshly-updated Action Guide! Tons of info on the races and the candidates. Meet all the good good people on the front lines of the fight, and chip in where you can!
In this period of almost unprecedented cruelty to immigrants and asylum-seekers, your Attorney General is hoppin’ mad…because the government isn’t hurting enough non-white people! Yes yes, ol’ Beauregard has been caught trying to fire immigration judges who refuse to turn their courtrooms into smooth-n-speedy deportation machines.
You can almost picture Bilbo Bigot perched above the judge’s bench, cracking a whip, shrieking “Racister! Make it RACISTER BY GUM!” in that wobbly little cartoon voice of his.
Speaking of Jefferson…don’t you hate the emotional confusion you have to navigate every time the Velveeta Vulgarian shits all over him? Like, first you’re all, “fuck yeah, let’s see that wrinkly hate-yokel’s career end in flames at long last!,” but then you remember that firing Sessions would set off a genuinely terrifying constitutional crisis and who the fuck knows what happens then, so you grit your teeth and remember it’s really important that he doesn’t get fired but holy fuck he is a straight-up white supremacist doing everything within his really quite substantial power to hurt people, and fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!
Just gotta keep reminding myself…every day, we’re one day closer to getting rid of ALL these fuckers, once and for all. Tick tock, you bastards.
Hey, I think we found the future of the Republican Party! Meet Melissa Howard, running for a seat in the Florida House, who lied about having a college degree, and then, when called out, actually forged a fucking diploma. At this very moment, she is no doubt furiously filling blue books with phony essays answering questions she imagines college professors may have asked on tests for classes she never took. Melissa will be running HHS by spring.
Jesus, do I have to cover this Omarosa thing? What if you just drank a pint of turpentine and locked yourself in the bathroom with a couple of hangry badgers? The effect is essentially the same.
So she taped everything. LORDY THERE ARE TAPES I BET I GOT TO THAT JOKE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE, RIGHT? She taped John Kelly firing her…in the goddamn Situation Room. She taped Boss Shart pretending he didn’t know she was getting fired*. She taped Jared and Ivanka, possibly in some ritualistic sex act involving the blood of orphans. Allegedly, there’s even a video of Bannon draining his facial sores directly into his thermos.
And then President Crotchvoid took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to say, “Omarosa? Boy she sucked. She didn’t do anything and everyone hated her. She kept kidney-punching foreign heads of state when they visited. She farted like a rhinoceros. She made Reince Priebus wear these horrible nipple clamps. But I kept her around anyway, BECAUSE SHE SAID NICE THINGS ABOUT ME.”
(This space intentionally left blank to allow time for the reader’s primal scream to die down.)
Yeah, nothin’ to see here. Just the President of the United States telling us he’ll happily surround himself with malicious, incompetent, buffoons, so long as they kiss his ass.
Oh, and he seems to think that he can hold White House employees to non-disclosure agreements? Like, literally hide the workings of the federal government from the American people? How fun n’ fascist! Looking forward to see that one play out in the courts.
Anyway, if you think it’s weird that Omarosa recorded her co-workers, you probably don’t want to know what Stephen Miller did with the baggie full of pubes he harvested from the West Wing restrooms.
Big breakthrough this week in the ongoing quest for American greatness! If you’re like me, or any red-blooded patriot, or the ghost of George Washington himself, you’ve probably thought, “the problem with this country is that it’s too damn hard to take advantage of our military personnel and their families via predatory lending practices.” Well, I am happy to report that MICK MULVANEY IS ON THE JOB, good people! He isn’t about to stand by while payday lenders suffer at the hands of the men and women who risk their lives defending this country! (In the background, Jesus flies by, riding on the back of an enormous bald eagle. Both are weeping tears of pride.)
You guys, I think we broke Kellyanne Conway. I remember reading a story when I was a kid, about people in a society that had been infiltrated by robots, where they would root out the artificial lifeforms in their midst by asking them unanswerable questions, like “what rhymes with orange?” which would make smoke come out of their ears. That’s pretty much what happened when a reporter asked Kellyanne to name a black person who works in the White House.
When I first saw the headlines proclaiming that Donald Trump doesn’t understand the concept of time zones, I felt a pang of envy, as I often do when I see someone else post a gag I wish I’d thought up. “Dang, that’s GOOD! Wait…wait, what? It’s REAL? THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES KEEPS CALLING WORLD LEADERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE HE’S TOO FUCKING DUMB TO UNDERSTAND TIME ZONES? WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.”
…anyhoo, I just started digging a fallout shelter, so feel free to send canned goods in addition to beer.
Speaking of Nazis, last weekend’s “Unite the Right” rally brought together about nineteen of the shittiest white boys in America, where they swapped tips on where to get good deals on wooden teeth and how to shoplift Sudafed.
So the FBI fired Peter Strzok toda-
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: ‘Scuse me, Cap, do you mind if I take this one?
Cap: Huh? Oh, it’s not really your thing, is it, Bill? Aren’t you more the “stealing children from their parents and throwing them in cages” guy?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Usually, yeah, but I think this particular story should be treated with…well, with Abject Horror.
Cap: Well…ok, Bill…take it away.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: So Peter Strzok got fired. On the surface, maybe this seems like just another bit of drama. Tangerine Idi Amin is always firing somebody, right? What pushes this into the realm of Abject Horror is, this is a high-ranking, highly respected law enforcement official who was purged for private conversations in which he was critical of the walking turdpile who would eventually become President.
Cap: Gee. When you put it like that, Bill…
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah. The idea this dime store dictator and his craven congressional enablers pulled out of thin ass was, if you’ve ever criticized the boss, even in private, you’re hopelessly biased, and any work you’ve done on, say, a criminal investigation into said boss is completely invalid, and must be tossed out. They’re saying you must be loyal, completely loyal, to serve in law enforcement. Maybe to serve in ANY branch of the government. They’re saying dissent isn’t allowed.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: YES…”FUCK.” This is the most fascist thing they’ve done yet.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I haven’t even gotten to the real Horror yet, Cap.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: See, what’s really frightening here, is how his base, the wild-eyed, spittle-drenched, maniacs of MAGA nation, greeted this news with exuberant glee. The single biggest crotch-punch to American democracy in our lifetime, and they’re CHEERING.
Cap: Yeah, Bill…that’s legit horrifying. You were right.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, I’ve got the usual stuff too. Do you want the one about the government trying to deport a couple’s legally-adopted child, or the one about ICE stealing children from a Salvadoran woman fleeing violence, falsely declaring her to be a member of MS-13 because hey, why not, right?
Cap: I think we’ve had enough Abject Horror for one post, Bill. See you soon, I suppose.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: You know you can’t quit me, Cap.
We learned the Shart House decided to waive their usually-strict ethics rules to allow Serial Abuse Enabler Bill Shine to chat with his old pals at Fux Nooz. Me, I find the notion of an “ethics waiver” from these cheapest of crooks to be inherently amusing. Like an army engaged in ethnic cleansing instituting casual Fridays or something.
WOW. Stephen Miller’s uncle wrote an eviscerating piece for Politico about how his dead-eyed nephew is a racist monster whose dirtbag white supremacist immigration policies would have exterminated his own ancestors, and also that he masturbates with a cheese grater.
I’ve had some falling-outs with my family over the years, but at least none of them have reached the “op-ed accusing you of being a genocide-enabling villain of historic proportions” level.
The Marmalade Shartcannon must be cranky today, since he had to leave his golf course for the first time in a week to sign a bill. The bill is named, “The John S. McCain National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2019,” but naturally your Petty Pissant President refused to say McCain’s name even once. On the other hand, I’m sure General Kelly had to talk him out of spending the signing ceremony just rattling off cancer jokes, so maybe this counts as good behavior?
The prosecution rested in Precocious Paul Manafort’s trial, paving the way for the begging/crying phase of the proceedings. That should be fun.
Poor Alex Jones can’t seem to find a safe space to terrorize grieving families from, how very very sad. Banned from YouTube, he tried to sneak his filth onto Vimeo, who greeted him with a swift, decisive, NOPE. This Human Scrotal Fungus is about six weeks from being banned from his own sock drawer. Good.
Politico has uncovered perhaps the most pathetic act of corruption in human history, as Sharty McFly apparently gives his staffers a discount on merch at his tacky-ass golf clubs. I bet that’ll be really comforting to all the collaborating dipshits who will never again be able to land a job from any decent human being anywhere.
Anyway, I can’t think of a better way to wrap up tonight’s post than to give you a chance to laugh at the pathetic blob of ridiculousness that men call…Seb Gorka, who has been caught making his own fake Fux Nooz business cards. You’re welcome, Resisters. See ya soon!