Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
You Can Lead a Sociopath to a Hospital, But You Can’t Make Him Human
Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I’m hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I wouldn’t still be paying my electric bill, so I guess we really are this fucked.
While we were all caught up in the whole “every public space is now a potential slaughterhouse, can we maybe do something about that?” thing, China called President Crotchvoid’s bluff, announcing it would suspend all U.S. agricultural imports, because it turns out the guy who doesn’t know how to close an umbrella was wrong when he said “trade wars are good, and easy to win,” who’da thunk it?
So, one insecure old fop, entirely out of his element, misunderstanding the very fundamentals of international trade, and terrified of seeming weak, just cost American farmers access to one of the largest markets in the world, access they may never get back. Y’know, the America-wrecking bargain Putin got for his modest investment in misinformation and troll farms is like finding a Picasso at a flea market with a $5 sticker on the back.
Remember John McCollister? The Nebraska state Senator with more guts than Ted Cruz, Mitt Romney, Susan Collins, and the whole dang U.S. Senate Republican caucus put together, by which I mean the bare-minimum level of integrity it takes to call Hairplug Himmler out for his white supremacist hate-mongering? Well, the Nebraska GOP wasted little time in letting him know that if you’re going to be denouncing racist terrorism, you’re just not welcome ‘round these parts no more.
You could make a killing in the pearl market right now, as countless thousands have been clutched to dust by conservatives in faux outrage over Rep. Joaquin Castro posting publicly available information on major Drumpf donors in his district. Y’see, rich folks want to finance the white supremacist monster who incites terrorism QUIETLY, without anyone knowing about it. They just want their tax cuts so they can go back to their gated communities while the serfs get massacred at Wal-Mart, is that really so wrong?
Yes, our plutocrat overlords are none too happy us peasants are holding them accountable for their support of the Grifter Grand Wizard. Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, facing widespread boycotts of his businesses, thinks he’ll get off the hook by claiming he’s only financing the non-cross-burny parts. Old man, it does not work that way. As someone who’s been trying for years to enjoy the pleasing buzz and refreshing taste of beer without taking on the resulting gut expansion, trust me, these things are package deals.
I’m thinking of opening a new regular segment here in the blog. I’ll call it Stochastic Terror Corner. I’ll pass out milk and cookies, and we can all sit cross-legged on the floor, wondering if any random passerby might be secretly harboring barely-controlled rage, inflamed by the Bigot-in-Chief, ready to explode in violence at any moment. Like, for example, the Montana man who attacked a thirteen-year-old boy, fracturing his skull…for not taking his hat off during the national anthem, inspired by his Turd Emperor’s rhetoric. One of the things I like most about Democratic politicians is that I never feel like they want us to assault children.
We also learned that Fat Q*Bert & co. opposed their own Department of Homeland Security’s efforts to combat domestic terrorism, and in all fairness, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to devote resources to stopping the very violence you’re working so hard to incite, now does it? Me, I think it’s kind of weird that the President of the United States would obstruct law enforcement agencies from protecting American citizens from known threats, but ultimately, defending the homeland is for CUCKS, right?
Vice President Mike Pants is taking a lot of heat for advising a group of his fellow fake Christians to “spend more time on your knees than on the internet.” Now, you’re probably expecting me to take the obvious joke, but to me, the funniest thing here is Mikey Hairshirt’s ridiculous claim to piety and moral authority. Bro, in your role as sidekick and chief enabler to that child-caging, terrorist-inspiring, democracy-wrecking, wannabe dictator, you’re not just profoundly immoral, you’ve earned a seat at the Very Worst People in All Human History table. The buffet is complimentary, but everything is seasoned with the blood and tears of the innocent.
The House Judiciary Committee filed a lawsuit to enforce their subpoena against former Shart House counsel Don McGahn, and I keep telling you, all this procedural crap may be important, but it sure ain’t funny. Just…I dunno, picture Jerry Nadler throwing a pie in McGahn’s face, and let’s all agree to move on to the next story.
Tucker Carlson chose this week of all weeks to proclaim that white supremacy is a “hoax,” which is a bit like standing on a soapbox in 1918 and screaming that influenza is imaginary. Anyway, Liar Tuck is now embarking on the traditional Fux Nooz host post-saying-something-appalling “vacation,” probably to give a few seminars on timing. Let’s make sure he has fewer advertisers than ever waiting to greet him when he gets back, shall we?
Speaking of subpar white dudes with delusions of adequacy, the State Department suspended a staffer over his links to a local white supremacist group, I guess because Stephen Miller doesn’t have enough sway at Foggy Bottom to get the little creep promoted. Heh. I guess they’re gonna REPLACE HIM now.
Obviously the big story this week was the Marmalade Shartcannon’s big Dayton/El Paso Grievance n’ Whinging Tour. Huge shoutout to every pundit who fell for his O-So-Presidential, Big-Boy-in-Pull-Up-Diapers, TelePrompTer Tone the other day, I would love to play poker with you some time. Donnie Dotard spent the day hiding like a coward from a public that loathes him, and SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING CAMPAIGN ADS in the two hospitals. “Look at me posing with the people who got shot because I inspire terrorism,” seems like a tough sell to me, but it’s marginally better than “I cut your boss’ taxes and tried to steal your healthcare,” I suppose.
None of the patients in El Paso wanted to meet with him, which is understandable, since it can’t possibly be sanitary to allow a Walking Sack of Hippo Shit into your hospital room. Well, sucks to be you, LOSERS, and not just because a white supremacist terrorist tried to murder you, cuz you missed out on the Manchurian Manchild blathering incoherently on the subject of crowd size. I know I hype this “the President is a sociopath” thing all the time, but imagine visiting the victims of a terrorist attack you yourself inspired, and bragging to them about how many Klansmen turn out to watch you rant like some Methhead George Wallace.
The deranged old fuck actually brought previously-discharged patients BACK to the El Paso hospital for his lil’ photo op. And then he spent the bulk of the day shitting on Joe Biden, Beto O’Rourke, Sherrod Brown, and all the other Democrats who make him wake up in a cold sweat, as his 2020 electoral defenestration draws ever nearer, and with it, the loss of the legal immunity his office grants him. Tick tock, motherfucker.
Well, the Viagra doesn’t work for Stephen Miller anymore, so ICE went down to Mississippi to snatch a bunch of undocumented immigrants away from their terrified children. Donald Trump may be awful at shepherding legislation, conducting trade and foreign policy, and pretty much every other aspect of his job, but he’s the Michael Frickin’ Jordan of inflicting trauma on little kids.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Aldaoud, the diabetic son of refugees, who came to the United States as a baby, died after being deported to Iraq (where he had never lived), because he didn’t know anyone there, couldn’t speak the language, and couldn’t get ahold of insulin. As a smarter man than I put it, the cruelty is the point.
And the Authoritarian Goon Squad Squatting in our Executive Branch is said to be working up an executive order designed to make social media companies stop saying such mean things about Shart Garfunkel’s incompetence and his tiny, inadequate, hands. I wonder who’s in charge of that doomed little endeavor? Probably a bunch of interns chugging Mountain Dew and scarfing down Funyuns in the Roosevelt Room, shouting at their phones, “Siri, how can I shred the First Amendment into the finest possible confetti?”
So…Lucy McBath is one of the most awesome new Representatives in our mega-awesome freshmen House class, but in a better America, she’d never have run in the first place. McBath became a gun control activist, and later a candidate for office, because her son, Jordan Davis, was shot and killed by an armed white maniac who figured his temporary proximity to a car full of teenagers playing loud music gave him the right to end human lives.
I’m sure you’ll agree it’s fairly natural, and entirely human, for family members of shooting victims to become gun control activists; who better understands the grief they’re working to spare the rest of us? So when the NRCC responds to her call for action in the wake of the weekends’ dual firearm massacres with a sneering “Anything for a quick buck, Lucy!” you could be forgiven for wondering if basic human decency was still a thing.
Bad news, Resisters, Team Treasonweasel has finally uncovered the one secret weapon that will guarantee an electoral college blowout so complete, we’ll be lucky if we can keep California and New York blue. Yes, he’s aiming to pardon that most beloved of Democrats, Rod Blagojevich*, which, as Jared Kushner (that wily devil) knows, will surely cause a mass exodus of liberals to his shit-stained banner. Anyway, I fully support Littlefinger’s continued reliance on Jar-Jar’s sage political advice.
And now we learn Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions have been turning fat staxx of documents related to the Shart Family Robinson’s business dealings with Russia over to congressional and New York state investigators. The piss hooker budget alone is said to be shocking.
Deputy DNI Director Sue Gordon became the latest adult-in-the-room to get forced out of the intelligence community by the Tantruming Tangelo Toddler, who will always place his personal ego above national security concerns. I imagine that observation has been made by, oh, let’s just conservatively say, EVERY SINGLE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AND TERRORIST ORGANIZATION ON THE PLANET, but I’m sure there will be no real-world consequences.
Before I leave you, Resisters, can I urge you to turn up the heat on the gun control issue? We’ve got a lot of momentum right now, McBath-bashing notwithstanding. Shit, we’ve even got a Republican Rep supporting an assault weapons ban now! Call your Congressthing, let’s force Moscow Mitch to betray his NRA paymasters! Let’s save some lives!
*Fun fact: Rod Blagojevich is the only American Governor on whose lawn I have urinated.