Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Will the “Stable Genius” Appreciate the “Privilege” of Mueller Time?
Hey everybody! How’re you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn’t it? It’s like living in a Jimmy Buffet song!
I assume everyone woke up on Saturday morning the same way I did; with a push notification on your phone from every single news organization on Earth about the “stable genius” tweet?
Everybody, right? BBC. CNN. NYT. WaPo. Probably Cigar Aficionado and Catster (Formerly Cat Fancy!) You rolled over, picked up your phone, and it was like you’d wandered over to Jack Nicholson’s typewriter, and you found a stack of pages that said ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A STABLE GENIUS over and over again.
It doesn’t seem that newsworthy, right? I mean, he’s an insecure old man who’s always rattling on about how great he is, that’s kind of his thing, I thought we were used to him by now?
But yeah…”very stable genius,” it’s…ok, you’re right, it sounds like something you’d find 2/3 of the way through a Harvey Dent monologue with Robin dangling from a rope above a vat that’s half acid/half chocolate milk.
Anyway. Government Cheese Goebbels has asked the American people to fork over 18 billion dollars for the Big Stupid Wall we don’t want, and which we were assured Mexico would pay for.
It’s almost kinda cute that he’s asking. Like, Bro…either get it from the rich jags whose taxes you just cut, or set up a Hatreon. We don’t want the fuckin’ thing.
With the MeToo movement sweeping the nation, ending the careers of right-thinking Republican CongressPervs for relatively harmless acts like asking members of their staff to fuck them for money, you might be wondering how a skeeze like Scott DesJarlais hangs on. Scott, you’ll recall, is the former medical doctor who likes to tell American women how sinful abortion is, unless it’s for the mistress/patient you’re fucking behind your wife’s back, which is some sort of moral/ethical triple axel.
Anyway, Scott says don’t worry, God’s forgiven him for everything, including that Milky Way he shoplifted in middle school, so there’s absolutely nothing more to talk about. I bet Louis CK wishes he had one of those GOD SAID I GET OUT OF JAIL FREE, PROMISE! cards, right?
On the Good Gnus front, Ruth Bader Ginsburg hired a bunch of new clerks, to show everybody she’s not going anywhere any time soon. To drive the point home, she bench-pressed Clarence Thomas half a dozen times before launching him through Mitch McConnell’s office door, yelling, “Don’t get your hopes up, Nerd,” before striding back to her office, dragging a SCOTUS beat reporter from each leg, JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN.
Steve Bannon oozed from his current residence (the central dumping facility of Washington’s largest portable toilet corporation) just long enough to issue a groveling statement not entirely unlike an apology. “I never meant your son was a traitor, Master!” wheezed the fallen, pus-encrusted, would-be Svengali, “Let Smeagol come home!”
Bannon’s Ritual Excommunication/Crotch-Stomping even saw the Uncanny Valley’s Resident Klansman, Stephen Miller dispatched to add to the pile-on on CNN. Some think such a prominent network shouldn’t give a white supremacist dork like Miller a platform. Me, I get a huge kick out of it.
I mean, how does any organization arrive at the point where they decide “Clearly, the best option before us is to dispense this Twitchy Grievance Golem to defend our point of view on television. Surely America will look into those lifeless, almost-but-not-quite-human eyes, and see…a comforting friend. I’m sure once our time in the White House is done, Stephen’s next calling will be as a beloved sitcom dad.”
Anyway, he shit on his old buddy Bannon for a bit, and then commenced to dodging Jake Tapper’s questions, preferring instead to discuss his boss’s various magnificences, how his back hair cures rickets and so on, but Diet Rambo wasn’t havin’ that shit, and said “that’s enough ass-kissing, creep, you’re cut off,” and it was hilarious.
And then Miller refused to leave, demanding that CNN give him air time and a chorus of back-up dancers as he sang a touching ballad called Donald Trump Never Makes White People Pick Up Their Own Trash until he was dragged away by security.
We got a look at the Marmalade Shartcannon’s schedule, and to the surprise of very few, he has seemingly managed to avoid actually working almost entirely. Vast swaths of the day are blocked out as “executive time,” where he gets to lock himself in the bedroom, watching teevee, gorging on cheeseburgers and Bugles, dismembering the paper dolls he names after insufficiently subservient media figures.
And somehow Fuckhead STILL can’t get his precious little Fake Gnus Awards in on time! It’s like he’s a kid, he’s on summer vacation, and he still wants Mom to build the pillow fort for him.
More free time than your average house cat, and the Stable Genius still can’t stop himself from tweeting out garbage about his “enormously consensual Presidency.”
Lord. You saw that, and you went, “Of COURSE he doesn’t know what the fucking word means. Four syllables? It’s like asking a hamster to perform open-heart surgery.”
…our standards for the occupant of the Oval Office have slipped a bit since Obama, is all I’m saying.
Jared Kushner is under fire for revelations that he’s benefiting from financial ties to Israeli businesses, even as he heads up Drumpf Administration Mid-East Peace efforts. Critics say these financial conflicts of interest could hinder his ability to handle the delicate negotiations.
Shower Cap says Jar-Jar’s crippling lack of intelligence is probably the larger obstacle. Seriously, folks…if this kid hadn’t been born rich, he would’ve suffocated to death trying to take his winter coat off some time in second grade. This is not a bright lad.
So, Oprah gave a wonderful, inspiring, speech on the Golden Globes last night, and now I guess we have to talk about her maybe running for President? Folks. No.
I’d like to think we can do better with the most prosperous nation in human history than passing it back and forth between whatever television hosts happen to develop delusions of grandeur. But just in case I’m wrong, maybe somebody should volunteer to help Carson Daly bone up on monetary policy.
Today in Senseless White Nationalist Cruelty, the Shart Administration announced that nearly 200,000 refugees from El Salvador, who have been living and working, peacefully and productively, in this country for over a decade now will be kicked out so the Very Fine People have more space to drive their cars into crowds and whatnot.
And if this decision wrecks a few families, damages a few communities, and removes thousands of productive, taxpaying, workers from the economy, well, at least it…it…nope. No discernible benefits whatsoever. Hurting thousands and thousands of human beings just to throw a little candy at the Richard Spencer crowd.
(Speaking of Spencer, looks like another one of his shitty little hateweasels got outed and fired. Good.)
So now, Natalia Veselnitskaya, of the famous Don Junior Treason Meeting, is telling people “Oh, I suppose I maybe sorta accidentally ran into Ivanka on the way out of Trump Tower, but we just talked about nail polish and Justin Bieber, promise!” Anyway, it’s fallen under Mueller’s watchful eye, so enjoy your investigation, Princess!
And we learned that Rugged Robert is also closing in on an interview with the Rectal Boil himself, and his lawyers are sweating buckets at the prospect. Trying to negotiate favorable terms for such an obviously guilty client can’t be easy; word is they’re asking for a written questionnaire rather than a face-to-face interrogation, and also would you be willing to accept the answers in finger paint and also by finger paint we mean McDonald’s ketchup?
Jay Sekulow is also pushing hard for a 20-minute statute of limitations on any perjury charges.
For Mueller’s part, his team has asked only for the mandatory breath-minting of the President at regular intervals throughout the interview.
K.T. McFarland’s nomination for Ambassador to Singapore was re-submitted, I guess because somebody in the White House really wants a televised hearing where she answers questions about lying under oath about Mike Flynn and Russia. Hey, if these clowns wanna run face first into a concert wall, I won’t stand in their way.
Ed Royce joined the stampede of GOP CongressJags racing for the exits like somebody shouted “Fire!” in a crowded cotillion. And the House just got that much easier to take back. This shit is so sexy I half expect Playboy to replace their traditional centerfolds with these creeps’ resignation announcements. I’d keep THAT under my mattress.
Meanwhile, Rick Perry’s ingenious plan to force the American taxpayer to give a bunch of money to coal plants as a consolation prize for getting smacked down in the open market hit a wall that even his Smart Guy Glasses couldn’t knock down.
That was seriously the plan, by the way. Drumpf promised to bring coal back, but he can’t, so the idea was just to Find a Big Box Full of Taxpayer Money, and Just Fucking Hand it to Some Coal Plants in Exchange For Nothing.
James Damore is apparently suing Google for firing him, I guess cuz in doing so they discriminated against Douchey White Boys Who Circulate Memos Claiming Their Female Colleagues Are Genetically Inferior. Yes, it’s the great civil rights issue of our time. I’m sure Spielberg’s bidding for the film rights.
Damore should hook up with that girl who tried suing that college for not taking her just because she was An Oppressed White Girl But Also Her Grades Were Shit, remember that? They can have whiny, mediocre, children together, and file nuisance lawsuits as a family. They’ll be the Shitty Waltons. (This fall on Fox!)
Oh hey, I’ve got some SHOCKING BREAKING NEWS for you: it turns out that there’s this Republican in Kansas…and he’s RACIST! I KNOW, RIGHT? Hope you were close to a fainting couch.
And a Shart House spokesman announced the President’s upcoming physical exam will not include a psychiatric evaluation because, “We may be dumb, but we ain’t stupid, y’know?”
Oh, and Dorito Mussolini gave a little speech speech to the American Farm Bureau Federation today. He got…unusually swept up in the self-praise, eventually remarking on how “lucky” the farmers of America were that he bestowed the “privilege” of voting for him upon them.
Yeah, that’s…a normal, healthy thing for a human being to say. Absolutely nooooooooo weird, out-of-control God complex here. Just a boy. Standing in front of some farmers. Telling them what a PRIVILEGE he has bestowed upon them. On the same day, his spokesjags tried to guilt the nation into appreciating the awesome sacrifices Javanka make, giving up the fruits of their fabulous wealth to serve all us ungrateful peons.
We must SHOW APPRECIATION the Royal Family, you see. The sacrifice of the odd goat here and there should suffice. They are so noble, after all, for deigning to serve us. Even if they maybe don’t actually know the words to that national anthem they’re always going on about.
Yup. Just another day in Margaritaville. Speaking only for myself, I look forward with great anticipation towards the PRIVILEGE of voting this November (in the GODDAMN MIDTERMS) for a fresh, new, Democrat-run House of Representatives, to finally conduct some much-needed oversight of this family of cheap crooks.
Many gems tonight Cap, but my favorite is “It’s like asking a hamster to perform open-heart surgery.” A perfect description of the kakistocracy that is ruining our lives. Keep up the great work!
I almost forgot. Excellent and apropo Big Lebowski reference.
Now I know why they call her the NOTORIOUS RBG. What a gal. Not only could she bench press Clarence (Uncle)Thomas, but she has bigger . . . chops.