Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
2021: A Year That Can Eat My Whole Ass
As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with sequels, and all these characters’ll keep coming back forever. I mean, didn’t Rush Limbaugh just teach us a valuable lesson about addition by subtraction?
Well, the world’s naughty won a surprise last-minute reprieve from Santa’s judgment, since, thanks to the Omicron variant, everybody’s stockings were so full of fucking Covid, there wasn’t any room for coal.
Yeah, everybody look under your chair…surprise, it’s Omicron! Say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror, and it will appear. (It will also appear if you do not say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror.) This shit is twice as catchy as that Blue (Da Ba Dee) song, and nearly as lethal.
Little fucker is fucking EVERYWHERE. The “good” news is, for the vaxxed, and especially the boosted, odds of survival seem t’be reasonably decent, though of course, our distinguished colleagues in the death cult across the aisle appear determined to greet this new variant with their customary Russian roulette volley.
I’ve never seen a group of people so libidinous for intubation and an early grave. And this persistent undercurrent of suicidal petulance in right-wing culture doesn’t even feel newsworthy anymore; that dull, wet thudding of ten million morons rhythmically striking their own foreheads with hammers has long since faded into the background, but it’s still pretty fucked up, y’know?
It’s almost impressive, how thoroughly these little jerks have broken their own brains. Like, there was this conference, for the kookiest kult kids; Flynn, Lindell, Eric Trump…a veritable carnival for the cray-cray. And a bunch of the attendees caught Covid, because OF COURSE THEY DID, fucking mid-Omicron anti-vax clambake? That’s basically the free square in the middle of the bingo card, right?
But no, these braying fuckwits actually had the gall to claim somebody released fucking anthrax into their little loser treehouse, because the forces of liberalism would only naturally deem it necessary to deploy biological weaponry against a handful of dumbasses who were already inviting Covid over to play street hockey in their fucking lungs.
I look at that shit in awe. What magnificent wrecks y’all have made of your minds.
This vaccine thing…it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s so important to them. It’s the nougaty center of all MAGA doctrine, the one and only commandment carved into the stone tablet: VACCINE BAD.
When of course, here in the real world, the vaccine is…I mean, pretty good, I think. You could even call it a towering act of human achievement, a functionally miraculous giver of life, if you were inclined. Keeping millions and millions of people alive while this virus works so diligently to kill us? I have to admit, I’m a fan.
Turns out the horde hates the (life-saving) Covid vaccines more than they love Donald Trump, oh ho. The Frankenstein bit isn’t nearly as much fun on the other side of the rampage, is it, shithead?
Yeah, I guess coming between a death cult and its chosen vehicle for a glorious end carries certain dangers. Candace Owens, Alex Jones, even ol’ Ben Garrison snapped, savagely and without hesitation, at the curiously-undersized hand that fed them for so long.
Golly, who’da guessed the fattest leeches had the sharpest teeth?
Where they’re able, Republicans are actually EXTENDING UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS to cover those who lose their jobs for refusing to comply with vaccine mandates, that’s how far through the dang looking glass we are with this garbage. Guess you can’t be a filthy taker if you’re busy with the important, almost holy work of…spreading disease.
But yeah, you’re losing the loons, Donnie. They’ve found someone younger and hotter, and now they’re the ones snickering at all the shit they snuck into the prenup. What shenanigans will ensue as this millions-strong rage mob spirals beyond even its primary creator’s control? Tune in next year; it’s not like canceling the show is an option.
One thing’s for sure: Charlie “Yes I Am Aware I Resemble a Dick Tracy Villain My Mother Pointed That Out With Great Frequency” Kirk’s TPUSA rally clearly had no intention of getting out-Nuremberged by any competing Brownshirt orgs. From the genuinely freaky worship of child soldier Kyle Rittenhouse to Jesse Watters’ insidious MURDER FAUCI HAW HAW HAW act, inciting and glorifying violence is the hip new trend sweeping through conservative circles almost as swiftly as…no, I can’t say it, it’s too easy.
And all that insanity trickles downward and outward, as it’s intended to. The hate, the lies, and yeah, the normalization of violence as an acceptable political tactic. On one level, that leads, as Reuters documents, to hundreds of death threats targeting election officials; but then there’s the steady supply of more deeply radicalized weirdos, randomly snapping and committing mass murder every so often…just a system working the way it was designed.
Well, it took all of eight months for projectile evangelical Madison Cawthorn to tell God to shove those “sacred marriage vows” straight up his infallible pooper. Also, the lady involved low-key might be a Russian intelligence operative? You have to admit, young Maddy is precisely the sort of useful idiot that’d dive face-first into a honeypot…anyway I’m sure there are loads of other reasons he popped by Fux Nooz to casually chat about how much better Russia’s military is than dumb ol’ America’s. Just loads.
Fitting, that the holiday season should bear witness to the birth of a brand new MAGA messiah! No, I don’t mean JFK Jr., I’m talking about the Let’s Go Brandon Guy, who probably possesses a real name of some sort, but honestly, who gives a fuck. As I understand it, this random wanker attained instant wingnut celebrity by throwing a sad, sorry fit at President Biden during a frickin’ NORAD Santa Tracker event, i.e. in front of a bunch of small children, COOL LIFE, BRO.
(I’m sure it comes as no surprise to learn LGB Guy suddenly sees a leader of men staring back at him from the mirror, on accounta how many likes his wee tantrum got on the information superhighway. I’d like to think you couldn’t get elected solely on Nearly Said Fuck to the President, Sort Of But Not Really, but on the other hand, maybe Ronny Jackson wouldn’t get into so much trouble if he had a buddy.)
I see fashy flunky Peter Navarro is out touring his avant-garde one-man performance art piece, where he goes on television to repeatedly confess his central role in a seditious criminal conspiracy, daring Liz Cheney to drag him by the ear to federal prison. Pete even gave the idiot coup a VERY grown-up codename: the “Green Bay Sweep,” oooooooooo how fancy n’ impressive! I’m told Navarro issued instructions throughout his attempted overthrow of the United States government using the super-awesome Ninja Turtle walkie-talkies his mom got him two Xmases ago.
So, Ron DeSantis has gone missing, apparently? And his team has been awkwardly faking public appearances on social media? Where o where could the GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA be, as Omicron tears through the all-the-kids-n-old-folks-you-can-eat buffet he’s made of his state? Hiking the Appalachian Trail? Caught up in a mad, mid-life attempt to break the Donkey Kong high score record? Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, in a world that could use about a million more Harry Reids, we lost the original. Shit. That was one well-lived life. Thinking about it now, “Be more like Harry Reid” strikes me as about as much as I could hope for, resolution-wise. Yeah, let’s do that.
Good lord. Well, I do believe we’ve all eaten enough shit for one trip around the sun. Enjoy your celebrations and reflections, friends, but save a bottle of somethin’ special for the big anniversary coming up next week.
Oh, by the way, physical copies of Marguerite vs. the Occupation have officially been shipped to Kickstarter backers, so be on the lookout! And maybe there’s even more fun stuff comin’ in 2022 and beyond…