As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with sequels, and all these characters’ll keep coming back forever. I mean, didn’t Rush Limbaugh just teach us a valuable lesson about addition by subtraction?

Well, the world’s naughty won a surprise last-minute reprieve from Santa’s judgment, since, thanks to the Omicron variant, everybody’s stockings were so full of fucking Covid, there wasn’t any room for coal.

Yeah, everybody look under your chair…surprise, it’s Omicron! Say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror, and it will appear. (It will also appear if you do not say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror.) This shit is twice as catchy as that Blue (Da Ba Dee) song, and nearly as lethal.

Little fucker is fucking EVERYWHERE. The “good” news is, for the vaxxed, and especially the boosted, odds of survival seem t’be reasonably decent, though of course, our distinguished colleagues in the death cult across the aisle appear determined to greet this new variant with their customary Russian roulette volley.

I’ve never seen a group of people so libidinous for intubation and an early grave. And this persistent undercurrent of suicidal petulance in right-wing culture doesn’t even feel newsworthy anymore; that dull, wet thudding of ten million morons rhythmically striking their own foreheads with hammers has long since faded into the background, but it’s still pretty fucked up, y’know?

It’s almost impressive, how thoroughly these little jerks have broken their own brains. Like, there was this conference, for the kookiest kult kids; Flynn, Lindell, Eric Trump…a veritable carnival for the cray-cray. And a bunch of the attendees caught Covid, because OF COURSE THEY DID, fucking mid-Omicron anti-vax clambake? That’s basically the free square in the middle of the bingo card, right?

But no, these braying fuckwits actually had the gall to claim somebody released fucking anthrax into their little loser treehouse, because the forces of liberalism would only naturally deem it necessary to deploy biological weaponry against a handful of dumbasses who were already inviting Covid over to play street hockey in their fucking lungs.

I look at that shit in awe. What magnificent wrecks y’all have made of your minds.

This vaccine thing…it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s so important to them. It’s the nougaty center of all MAGA doctrine, the one and only commandment carved into the stone tablet: VACCINE BAD.

When of course, here in the real world, the vaccine is…I mean, pretty good, I think. You could even call it a towering act of human achievement, a functionally miraculous giver of life, if you were inclined. Keeping millions and millions of people alive while this virus works so diligently to kill us? I have to admit, I’m a fan.

But even with ICUs predictably refilling with a fresh wave of unvaccinated culture war casualties, Cult45’s faith in this one, debunked-daily-for-months tenet remains unshaken, and unshakable.

Turns out the horde hates the (life-saving) Covid vaccines more than they love Donald Trump, oh ho. The Frankenstein bit isn’t nearly as much fun on the other side of the rampage, is it, shithead?

Yeah, I guess coming between a death cult and its chosen vehicle for a glorious end carries certain dangers. Candace Owens, Alex Jones, even ol’ Ben Garrison snapped, savagely and without hesitation, at the curiously-undersized hand that fed them for so long.

Golly, who’da guessed the fattest leeches had the sharpest teeth?

Where they’re able, Republicans are actually EXTENDING UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS to cover those who lose their jobs for refusing to comply with vaccine mandates, that’s how far through the dang looking glass we are with this garbage. Guess you can’t be a filthy taker if you’re busy with the important, almost holy work of…spreading disease.

But yeah, you’re losing the loons, Donnie. They’ve found someone younger and hotter, and now they’re the ones snickering at all the shit they snuck into the prenup. What shenanigans will ensue as this millions-strong rage mob spirals beyond even its primary creator’s control? Tune in next year; it’s not like canceling the show is an option.

One thing’s for sure: Charlie “Yes I Am Aware I Resemble a Dick Tracy Villain My Mother Pointed That Out With Great Frequency” Kirk’s TPUSA rally clearly had no intention of getting out-Nuremberged by any competing Brownshirt orgs. From the genuinely freaky worship of child soldier Kyle Rittenhouse to Jesse Watters’ insidious MURDER FAUCI HAW HAW HAW act, inciting and glorifying violence is the hip new trend sweeping through conservative circles almost as swiftly as…no, I can’t say it, it’s too easy.

And all that insanity trickles downward and outward, as it’s intended to. The hate, the lies, and yeah, the normalization of violence as an acceptable political tactic. On one level, that leads, as Reuters documents, to hundreds of death threats targeting election officials; but then there’s the steady supply of more deeply radicalized weirdos, randomly snapping and committing mass murder every so often…just a system working the way it was designed.

Well, it took all of eight months for projectile evangelical Madison Cawthorn to tell God to shove those “sacred marriage vows” straight up his infallible pooper. Also, the lady involved low-key might be a Russian intelligence operative? You have to admit, young Maddy is precisely the sort of useful idiot that’d dive face-first into a honeypot…anyway I’m sure there are loads of other reasons he popped by Fux Nooz to casually chat about how much better Russia’s military is than dumb ol’ America’s. Just loads.

Fitting, that the holiday season should bear witness to the birth of a brand new MAGA messiah! No, I don’t mean JFK Jr., I’m talking about the Let’s Go Brandon Guy, who probably possesses a real name of some sort, but honestly, who gives a fuck. As I understand it, this random wanker attained instant wingnut celebrity by throwing a sad, sorry fit at President Biden during a frickin’ NORAD Santa Tracker event, i.e. in front of a bunch of small children, COOL LIFE, BRO.

(I’m sure it comes as no surprise to learn LGB Guy suddenly sees a leader of men staring back at him from the mirror, on accounta how many likes his wee tantrum got on the information superhighway. I’d like to think you couldn’t get elected solely on Nearly Said Fuck to the President, Sort Of But Not Really, but on the other hand, maybe Ronny Jackson wouldn’t get into so much trouble if he had a buddy.)

I see fashy flunky Peter Navarro is out touring his avant-garde one-man performance art piece, where he goes on television to repeatedly confess his central role in a seditious criminal conspiracy, daring Liz Cheney to drag him by the ear to federal prison. Pete even gave the idiot coup a VERY grown-up codename: the “Green Bay Sweep,” oooooooooo how fancy n’ impressive! I’m told Navarro issued instructions throughout his attempted overthrow of the United States government using the super-awesome Ninja Turtle walkie-talkies his mom got him two Xmases ago.

So, Ron DeSantis has gone missing, apparently? And his team has been awkwardly faking public appearances on social media?  Where o where could the GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA be, as Omicron tears through the all-the-kids-n-old-folks-you-can-eat buffet he’s made of his state? Hiking the Appalachian Trail? Caught up in a mad, mid-life attempt to break the Donkey Kong high score record? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Well, in a world that could use about a million more Harry Reids, we lost the original. Shit. That was one well-lived life. Thinking about it now, “Be more like Harry Reid” strikes me as about as much as I could hope for, resolution-wise. Yeah, let’s do that.

Good lord. Well, I do believe we’ve all eaten enough shit for one trip around the sun. Enjoy your celebrations and reflections, friends, but save a bottle of somethin’ special for the big anniversary coming up next week.

Oh, by the way, physical copies of Marguerite vs. the Occupation have officially been shipped to Kickstarter backers, so be on the lookout! And maybe there’s even more fun stuff comin’ in 2022 and beyond…