Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Little Traitor Boy, Here Comes Omicron, & Other Death Cult Xmas Carols
So certain is Santa’s naughty verdict, I doubt America even bothered leaving a stocking out this year. Though down in Texas, under Greg Abbott’s Freedom Grid, I’m told they frankly could use the coal.
Yes, I offer season’s greetings from 21st-century America, a not-at-all-dystopian society in which absolutely zero public school teachers participate in dehumanizing debasement rituals presented as entertainment for the masses, least of all in the great and prosperous state of Noemistan. Everything’s fine, and to imply otherwise is disloyal. (Winston, kindly purge this paragraph from the official record.)
If anything, you should congratulate our thriving, super-healthy culture on its brand-new holiday: enjoy SCHOOL SHOOTING DAY, brought to you by TikTok! Commemorate the omnipresent dread of raising a child in a society that prioritizes the weapon-accumulating rights of would-be mass murderers over your offspring’s physical and psychological safety!
(Me, I think this is just another cynical ploy by the greeting card industry, to juice sales of their increasingly popular, “Sympathy to your family for enduring this once unimaginable, now fairly commonplace horror” line. Won’t be long until they need a whole aisle at the grocery store: so sorry your son/daughter/sister/brother/friend/mom/dad/nephew/French teacher got shot to death by a disturbed teenager/possessive ex-lover/white nationalist terrorist/random guy having a bad day.)
Anyway, don’t take off your celebratin’ pants just yet, cuz the USA absolutely strutted past that 800,000 Covid deaths line, miles ahead of any other nation on Earth! Mind you, that’s with our new buddy, Omicron, only just starting to size up the buffet.
What do you even do with these people anymore? You suggest self-preservation, and they get SO MAD. “I have a Constitutional right to harm myself, and to harm those around me, based on the misconceptions of reality I get from wasting my entire life watching liars on television,” and no, that’s not actually true, but you’re wrong about so many things, I don’t know where to start; anyhoo, guess it’s time for another wave of MAGA madness to crash down upon our poor, battered hospitals.
(Hey, get your booster shot, by the way…y’all are already on top of that, right?)
While we’re on the pandemic, a new report from the House says the Trump Administration undermined the nation’s coronavirus response ON FUCKING PURPOSE, and I have to ask, like…are there supply chain issues in the pitchfork and torch industries? Both at the same time? Do we still get mad when somebody kills tens of thousands of us, or are we all just teetering piles of boiled frog meat by now?
As we reflect upon the wretched, piss-stained, pretty-sure-there-were-fire-ants-for-a-couple-weeks year that was 2021, I have to say, I think I’ll remember it mostly as the year the GOP Kissed an Attempted Fascist Coup (And They Liked It).
It’s that parenthetical bit that’s been poking me in the eye lately…the latest news from the January 6th commission has us looking back to that brief moment in time when even some fairly Trumpy Republicans understood that things had gotten out of hand, and said so; and it looked like we could come together again, which is what we used to do when the homeland got attacked by terrorists. And maybe we could all agree to take the off-ramp that so graciously presented itself, and get back to making our own mistakes instead of repeating history’s.
That moment was…awfully dang brief.
You look at the GOP now, and they’re basically operating as Donald Trump without the attention-grabbing clown makeup; all the same tactics, all the same goals, but generating much less outrage and therefore much less pushback.
It’s all proceeding with the efficiency the Koch crew has come to expect from their outrage-farming efforts. Cult45’s most fervent missionaries are already taking over local election infrastructure wherever possible. Shit, you can’t even run for Governor of Minnesota on the Republican ticket without genuflecting to the Big Lie…this isn’t goons on a deadline stumbling around, stepping on every possible rake anymore; it’s more organized every single day; these creeps’re choosing this adventure deliberately and consistently.
And we should be honest about that! Because Mark Meadows’ texts, and his e-mails, y’all…I mean, we’re talking about the chief coordinating officer for a massive criminal conspiracy to end constitutional democracy in the United States based on something Louie Gohmert saw on the internet; the contents of this treacherous clown’s phone were gonna generate some headlines, but…fuck, why is it always even worse than I was expecting? Because I was already expecting “idiot Nazi crime spree,” okay?
It’s like cracking open the chest of a lifelong smoker, and yeah, you find the ruined lungs, but there’s also a brown, oily, mass of maggots where the heart should be. This is also a handy metaphor for the American Right generally.
For example, turns out no less than SIX sitting U.S. Congressmen actively collaborated with the Trump White House’s (lest we forget) fascist coup attempt. Pretty cool that these documented enemies of American democracy get to retain their full legislating powers, isn’t it? Like, outside of “No one gets to be in charge but us,” what other laws do you think we should have, Mr. Jordan?
That’s to say nothing of Meadows’ private assurances, on January 5th, that come the day of the deed, the National Guard would stand ready to enter the fray…but only on one side. Chilling. Y’know, I never get called by pollsters, but if anybody ever asked me about Mark, I do believe I’d be tempted to go so far as to strongly disapprove.
And then there’re the texts with the haughty propagandists of Fox News, providing valuable insight into the sensation of pure, uncut, Mary Shelley clarity one experiences at the precise moment puppeteering a President stops being fun.
Hannity, Ingraham and Kilmeade, name a more iconic three-mouthed rectum, I’ll wait. Probably less than ideal that these were the folks conversing with the White House Chief of Staff during a terrorist attack on Congress, but hey, it took a whole bunch of zany misadventures to get us to January 6th in the first place.
Anyway, they’ve all once again been revealed as cheap, lying grifters, not that anyone in their audience will notice. These bastards take their indoctrination seriously, and it shows; you can’t get folks to swallow a steady diet of shit and nothing but shit with just parsley sprigs and sleight of hand, y’know; you have to reach deep inside that ol’ cranium, and rip out some wiring. Otherwise, when the curtain gets yanked back like this, and the rubes get such a clear look at the con, and the sneering disdain in which they’re held, they might ask for something else to eat.
But no, they’re gonna line up same time tomorrow for a fresh bowl of shit and a clean spoon. You almost have to admire the craftsmanship of the disinformation-dispensing apparatus.
Speaking of, I see Chris Wallace decided to sneak out the back door at Fux before the War on Xmas turns hot and the office party starts incorporating live sacrifices of the unfaithful. Probably wise.
Wallace’s successor as the network’s last, flagging voice of reason begging the mob to maintain some small shred of sanity and/or decency will be…what, Geraldo? Fucking GERALDO? Well, I’m sure he’s up to it.
Down in The Villages, they’re too old and rich to handle cop-bludgeoning duties on the front lines, but they’re every bit as dumb and disloyal as any Proud Boy. No doubt hoping to pull their own weight in the struggle to eradicate democracy, a trio of golf cart insurrectionists instead received a fun lil’ lesson on just how efficiently existing laws deal with the handful of asshats dumb enough to actually attempt voter fraud.
While it was previously reported that the RNC would submissively take on Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s personal legal bills, we’ve now learned the precise extent of the cucking; it’s $1.6 million these hopeless chumps have committed, plus Reince Priebus has to deliver the check in person every month, at which time he is forced to chug a sneakerful of Eric’s urine in front of the whole family.
So, I see the same piece of shit who once proclaimed the Jews-will-not-replace-us-screechers of the world to be “very fine people” yet again casually vomited up an anti-Semitic diatribe indistinguishable from the background chatter at Richard Spencer’s board game night; weird how that kind of stuff keeps happening, especially with institutional racism being so fake and all.
Still, like most white supremacists, the Deposed Dotard mostly just careens from failure to failure. He lost another big’n in court this week, those precious tax returns won’t remain secret much longer. Plus, he’s such a big fancy kingmaker man now that they’re writing whole articles mocking his impotent attempts to dethrone Mitch McConnell. Shit, the sloppy old has-been STILL can’t manage a layup as easy as an Alabama Senate primary. To me, this is exactly why you don’t build your cult of personality around an enormous loser, but hey…tastes vary.
All that said, owing to the holiday season and my desperate need to drain the poison from my brain, I will be taking next week OFF from this blog. I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve, no doubt rejuvenated, and armed with new, cutting-edge poop jokes.
Anyway, I gotta go; Bannon’s stuck in my chimney; he’s threatening to breathe on the yuletide fire, and I fear the gin fumes would set the entire neighborhood ablaze. Stay safe out there, please enjoy the seasonal rituals of your choosing, secular or otherwise.