Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Ted Cruz’s Self-Respect, and Other Myths
I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few images those enabling fucks should be forced to look at every single day for the rest of their lives…
Anyway, congratulations everyone, on surviving one entire year of the feeblest imaginable gaslighting, perpetrated by the occupants of the sulfurous, subpar cloud of white rage that lingers around the vanquished husk of Donald John Trump like an overcooked steak fart. One whole year of the American Right piling lie upon lie, compounding their every mistake, and failing to learn a single fucking thing about anything.
(This space left intentionally blank to accommodate confetti and noisemakers)
Actually, I’m writing this on the 7th, the one-year anniversary of Betsy DeVos’ principled resignation from the lynch-mob-inciting Turd Reich in freefall, and goddamn if that way-too-little, years-too-late, utterly hollow gesture didn’t turn out to be the high-water mark for Republican ethics in this age of domestic political violence.
Even discussing the issue with our conservative friends typically proves…trying. Like, I appreciate that keeping shit straight amidst your weird little cult’s perpetually-shifting, frequently contradictory shared delusions must be difficult, with the whole rotten tower teetering ever more precariously with each new collision with reality (that stubborn bastard), but it’s your choices that landed you there. The rest of us made better choices. Sorry.
Watching y’all from the outside, it’s mostly just half of you pissing on the other half’s legs while everyone snickeringly insists it’s raining, switching shifts every so often, with high-fives all around over the runaway success of your tricksy deception. You’re welcome to defect to our side at any point, by the way. It’s pretty great, here in reality; we’re much less likely to die of Covid, and nobody pees on us.
So, Marjorie Taylor Greene, perhaps the largest, loudest mouth on the Lovecraftian fleshwad horror the Republican Party has become, got herself permanently banned from Twitter, for the very good reason that she refused to stop spreading enormous, damaging lies about, among other things, the pandemic; a small, but important victory for the forces of health, light, and life. Perhaps we can finally move on from this silly, squawking, Nazi twit.
Ha ha NOPE, lucky for you, Marj, Kevin McCarthy simply cannot fucking figure out how to quit you. Despite your seemingly limitless capacity for obscenity, your Minority Leader will forever have your back, whatever backwoods Goebbels turd falls out of your fool mouth next, because K-Dawg came to the United States Congress to appease fascists and separate Starbursts for tenth-rate dictators, and he’s all outta Starbursts!
…having dumped candy duty on an intern.
One thing I’ve learned these past few years…the secret ingredient in the rise of fascism is cowards. Recipe goes, “Season with cowards liberally and often. Let simmer, applying additional cowards at regular intervals.”
Ohio Republican Senate candidate J.D. Vance, who I will remind you is somehow NOT THE CRAZY ONE in that race, responded to the eminently sensible deplatforming of a mendacious maniac by demanding social media companies be “crushed,” and in this humble blogger’s opinion, there should be fewer dudes in the Senate who talk like junior members of the Legion of Doom, not more.
Why is it so hard for the Republican Party to cut the fucking Nazis loose? I mean, we all know the answer, but it feels like something that should be asked out loud anyway. If we’re forced to endure the childish improv game Peter Doocy insists upon inflicting on Jen Psaki and the world, surely somebody can ask a few of these addled mediocrities to concisely describe the positive outcome they’re envisioning every time they yield another ten miles to their party’s brownshirt wing.
The tiger’s had its taste of human flesh, you can’t just put the genie back in the bottle here. It’s a…genie tiger, in this example…look, if you don’t like mixed metaphors, start your own fucking blog. You ain’t never had a friend like Donald Trump, is what I’m trying to say. These people don’t stop taking, it’s not in their nature. They will not be sated by the Sudetenland. DUH.
Left to their own devices, they will, in fact, literally gather under your party’s banner to offer prayers of gratitude to the treasonous scum that inflicted 140 casualties on Capitol law enforcement, as the Cobb County, GA GOP helpfully demonstrated. Honestly, what the fuck do you imagine happens AFTER the terrorist-worshipping rituals? I ask because Kyle Rittenhouse has become a walking, pockmarked, golden calf to your base.
Back on the steadily decaying institutional level, ol’ Johnny Isakson took one last hit for the team, offering his old caucusmates the excuse they desperately needed (his funeral) to be anywhere but Washington on the day the world reflected upon the Pandora’s Outhouse door they kicked open with their lies, greed, and fear-mongering. Oh, they sputtered out a sickly tweet or two, but dared not show their faces, for even now they understand history will know them as Those Who Were Tested and Found Mightily Fucking Wanting.
A perfectly good mint julep wound up spattered all over Senator Graham’s Mawmaw’s prized doilies, such was Lindsepher’s meticulously manufactured outrage at dastardly Joe Biden’s nefarious “politicization” of January 6th. Y’know, one of the cool things about being a Democrat is nobody requires clownish displays of blind loyalty to a pathological liar’s every passing fib. Incidentally, you shouldn’t give mint juleps to house pets, especially the frail, over-domesticated ones like Graham, it’s bad for them.
Stupefyingly, even after that choice bit of obsequiousness, Lindsey didn’t earn a single vote in the Cuck of the Week poll, because Rafael Edward Cruz just ran away with that shit. Teddy Boy is putting up Barry Bonds-like emasculation stats these days; he must be taking illegal, testosterone-diminishing drugs. When he spent four years suckling the buttocks of the cheap goon who insulted his wife and father, we thought we were witnessing the Ted Williams of sycophancy in his prime, but it turns out the guy was just getting warmed up.
Because holy shit, y’all. What Ted pulled on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour this week? It was his Guernica. A miracle of human achievement in the field of groveling. I fucking saw God.
If you happened to miss it, golly, you’re in for a treat. Get yourself a snack, you deserve it.
So, Tedward accidentally stumbled over just enough love of country to suggest in passing that terrorism is bad and ought not be encouraged, and when Carlson caught wind of that, he fuckin’ left work early to drag Ted to the woodshed. Tucker made Senator Cruz cut his own switch, you know what I’m saying?
And Ted sits there, live on the most watched news show on cable, and takes it and takes it and takes it, and begs for more. And on the level of watching one of the worst people alive debase himself, it’s certainly quality content. Trouble is, this is actually a phenomenally powerful human being, submitting, desperately and comprehensively, to the ringleader of a hate mob, and no fucking good will come of it. Once again, the secret ingredient is cowards.
After that…display, there’s not enough left of Cruz to spread on a Triscuit, and he thinks he can get elected President. Sad, sorry, old fop’s got one foot in the geek pit and doesn’t even know it yet.
Meanwhile, Ron Johnson thinks vaccines are a sacrilegious assault by arrogant scientists on God’s plan to weed out the weak with His Covid-y trowel, because while cowards make up the base of the dish, you want to sprinkle in a few mouth-breathing idiots, for flavor.
Thankfully, in the section of the federal government where the grownups work, Smilin’ Joe Biden put on his shitkickin’ boots, having previously procured matching sets of shitkickin’ boots for the speechwriting staff, and told a certain Deposed Dotard precisely where he can stick his Big Lie, which is up his loser bum, which lost by how many million votes by the way? Was it seven? It was, wasn’t it? It was SEVEN MILLION VOTES you lost by, loser.
It was kind of Joe to make time to throw those elbows, since he’s been pretty busy lately, repairing the damage a certain overmatched manchild inflicted to the American economy. And, lookin’ at the numbers, he’s doin’ a fine job of it, too.
Like a TikTok influencer angling the side of the energy drink can with the logo towards the camera, Tangerine Idi Amin offered up his vastly-diminished platform to Hungarian strongman Viktor Orbán, endorsing the petty thug’s “re-election campaign,” which really ought to tell you everything you need to know about the Americans he backs, don’tcha think?
And rest in peace the “Cyber Ninjas,” a shadowy cabal of Big Lie-spreading grifters that now disappears into the great wingnut beyond, taking centuries of bamboo fiber detection expertise with them. What a loss.
As fucked up as shit gets in Washington, at least we can take comfort that Congress is now, and shall remain, a Nunes-free zone. With so many of these treacherous weasels shielded by fash-friendly gerrymanders, I say it’s well worth celebrating any time we pry one of ‘em off the machinery of government. (Extends Tank 7 tallboy for cheers clink)
Well, despite the best efforts of a veritable legion of asshats, we held onto the ol’ republic for another whole year, not too shabby. Lotta work ahead on that front, I’m afraid, so, y’know…get some rest. And, as always, stay safe out there, friends…