- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations
Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they have been annihilated. In a month.
Exactly how did you arrive at the belief that these hearings would work out well for you? “We’ll put Jim Jordan in charge of a great, big, televised, investigative committee, it’ll be all slick n’ sexy, like that show the January 6th committee put on!”
No it won’t. Jim Jordan’s not smart enough to do that. Why on earth would you imagine he was? Your media bubble is a plastic bag wrapped around your head if it is telling you that Jim Jordan is leadership material. Jim Jordan is a small, small man, representing a gerrymandered district, with a very slight talent for articulating the petty grievances of the subpar. He is a loud, angry buffoon, and nothing more. We all have a few Jim Jordans in our lives, and we go out of our way to avoid them.
“Once voters see Lauren Boebert shit herself while shrieking about getting ‘shadow-banned’ on Twitter, they’re ours forever!” What? Why would you think that? See, the problem with choosing to become the party of angry losers is the talent pool you’re left with.
I know it’s cozy in your Fox News safe space, where Greg Gutfeld is funny and it makes perfect moral sense to let the Jewish space laser lady decide who’s anti-Semitic, but perhaps it would be fruitful to consider the many angles from which sustained exposure to the screeching of furious weirdos might seem unappealing.
Quick reminder that the guiding premise of this entire dipshit inquisition is that temporary restrictions on a single social media platform, of a single newspaper article about Hunter Biden’s laptop, lasting all of one, single, solitary day, cost Donald Trump re-election. Which is, of course, insane. But it’s gospel to these dolts.
“We called in some witnesses to debunk all the fake things we believe!” Oh. What a strange thing to do. “Yeah, and we invited this freshman Democrat, Dan Goldman, just to make sure there was somebody to dog-walk our fool asses up and down the room at regular intervals.” Well, if you think that’s wise.
Anyway, if I’m understanding things correctly, the self-evident truth that Donald Trump is a pussy ass bitch is now officially enshrined in the Constitution, or someplace almost as good, anyway. Heckuva job, Jimbo. Congrats, you’re a poor man’s Trey Gowdy, which is about six rungs above incel.
The State of the Union put me in mind of my all-time favorite evening spent watching politics: the 2012 vice presidential debate. There’s something about watching Joe Biden play with his food that works for me.
It was like a nature show, only better; you were absolved of any feelings of sympathy for the wildebeests, because you knew from previous episodes that the wildebeests were assholes. The look on Joe’s face, when he saw how easy it had been to bait these dopes into a Social Security fight, I’ve never seen that look in real life, only on the faces of 8-year-old boys in black and white movies, when they race downstairs on Xmas morning to discover a bicycle-shaped package next the tree.
Jowls trembling with theatrical fury, they bellowed, “How dare you, sir? How darrrrrrrrre you accuse the Republican Party of seeking cuts to entitlements?” and Joe’s grin grew wider, visions of news cycles to come dancing in his eyes like sugarplum fairies.
Because while yes, most of you understand the actual policy goals of your party’s donor class are too politically suicidal to speak aloud, some of you can’t help yourselves, and many of you are just idiots, so there’s no shortage of documentation here. And if you don’t believe me, turn on the news, because it’s what we’re talking about now, thanks to your little shitfit.
I think they really believe that if they don’t show it on Fox, nobody can see it. Like, Mike Lee knows about that footage of him talking about phasing out social security, this isn’t the first time it’s made the rounds. He just got swept up in the hootin’ and hollerin’ (which has, um, happened before) and forgot about it, and how perfectly it would pair with his How Dare You face.
“Oh, that was taken out of context!” Okay, Mike. I bet that works. On people who take horse dewormer.
Rick Scott, bless his Medicare-defrauding heart, insisted on defending the honor of his stupid, stupid idea to sunset every single federal law every five years, which went about as well as you’d think, given Rick’s limited intellect and general ghoulishness. I wonder what Joe Biden’s gonna do with his other two wishes.
I’d like to take a quick moment to express my profound gratitude as a Democrat to the Republicans mentioned above, for their generous contributions to our cause. Please understand how deeply we appreciate your commitment to reminding the public what colossal shitheads you all are. Incidentally, if anything happens to Rick Scott, Mitch McConnell clearly did it.
I suppose we can’t move on from the State of the Union without discussing all the cretinous yowling. Y’know, it says one thing about Kevin McCarthy’s leadership that he felt compelled to shush his feral caucus in front of the cameras, and another that they completely fucking ignored him.
Yeah, much commentary this week on the evolving decorum standards of the party of the Capitol Riot. SOTU is like the Met Gala for people who like to yell crazy shit on television. Marj made sure to dress like white trash that married into conflict diamond money, to head off any of the other kooks looking to grab themselves a little corner of the spotlight.
And then our old pal Sarah Slanders dropped by to call us crazy, a particularly compelling message from a woman who’s famous mostly for lying. Yeah, we’re nuts. Anyway, MTG just took a dump in front of Adam Schiff’s office. Probably. It’s certainly only a matter of time.
You know, if Mitt Romney did nothing but offhandedly blast George Santos to atoms, I bet I could get to like him. Perhaps the occasional impeachment vote here and there, as necessary. I’m willing to keep an open mind.
The George Santos magnetic poetry set will be perfect. “Wrote fraudulent checks to Amish dog breeders.” That has a lovely cadence, really, and so perfectly captures the essence of this brazen little turd, who lied and stole and lied and stole until the Republican Party finally made him a Congressman.
Now, Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and only a fool would take anything he says at face value, but I’m pretty sure this thing about DeSantis being a pedophile is legit. I mean, why would a Republican lie about someone being a pedophile?
We learned Republican fundraising platform WinRed lost millions of dollars, and I confess I’m staggered, contemplating the raw nitwittery necessary to fuck up a business model where people hand you money expecting literally nothing in return. How in God’s name do you break your brain hard enough to lose money taking donations? It’s something bowls can do.
Between the special counsel subpoena and the FBI search, I bet Mike Pence is sweating bullets that somebody’s gonna find that secret room in the basement where he crucifies sex dolls dressed up like Charlton Heston to dry hump and cry on.
Let’s be honest and admit that not only did James O’Keefe always seem like exactly the sort of fellow who would take a sandwich from a pregnant lady, it’s the only reason he ever got anywhere in wingnut media. Like, I’m all for an acrimonious split between O’Keefe and Project Veritas, but did you honestly expect a healthy working environment, in your viciously deceptive propaganda shop? Did you expect Secret Santa and team-building excursions to escape rooms?
The FBI thwarted a plot by a couple of neo-Nazi losers (but I repeat myself) to attack Maryland’s power grid, which’ll give ‘em something to talk about in that neo-Nazi homeschooling network in Ohio, I suppose. For some reason, this paragraph feels like the appropriate spot to mention Paul Gosar’s contributions on Oversight, which I suspect has something to do with the rule of three.
I’d like to welcome a new sponsor, by the way. Shower Cap’s Blog is brought to you by Satan, and, by extension, Pfizer. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I think the Grammys’re in there somewhere, too. Grammys or groomers, I didn’t really catch it.
All life on Earth ended this week, when a woke chatbot refused to utter the slur that would’ve saved the world. Are you happy now, wokesters, that your wokeness ended human civilization? O, if only Joe Biden and the deep state hadn’t turned the nuclear arsenal over to such a woke chatbot. Alas, it is too late. I find I mostly miss Shakespeare, chocolate, and, y’know…life existing.
At least the genderless toy potatoes are gone. And the furry kid litter boxes. Plus, we’re finally seeing some ethics in gaming journalism, and let me say, it’s about damn time.
Anyway, here we are once again at the best part of the blog, when we all get to stop and go think about something else. Time once more to reward my battered brain with beer. You stay safe out there, m’loves.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
So much to feast on and ponder tonight Cap. Pence and his secret room, Romney and his moment of clarity. I trust Mitt like I trust Collins of Maine. They’ll turn on you. A great recap of the nuttiness. And a smidge of sanity. Thanks Cap.
C’mon. I’m CERTAIN Susan Collins has learned her less…..(ᗒ ᗨᗕ) (ᗒ ᗨᗕ) (ᗒ ᗨᗕ) …wheeze, hack. I almost made it through with a straight face.
Aren’t the sedition caucus something else? As in a writhing, riled up, RepubliKKKan bag of dicks. Thanks for another great end of the week summary, Cap.
“Joe Biden playing with his food” and “Look Kamal, they squeal when you poke ‘em!” My faves, made me life right out loud. And this week, for the first time in forever, I have a little to contribute to the beer fund. I do so with gratitude. You make Fridays so good, and today particularly. Covid yet again, after having Long Covid since March 2020…you’d think this damn. Iris would give me a break. This is go-round #3. Anyway, thanks for the laughs and enjoy the beer!
Just a quick hello in appreciation of your lightening Li f my mood again tonight. Have a small beer on me, Cap. My Social Security check came in on time.
I knew you’d have a field day with this week’s world champion buttholes showing off their very best versions of raving lunacy. I get great comfort from your expert ability to mock them relentlessly. I didn’t know if I could tolerate the SOTU, knowing the R’s would behave badly, at the very least. But it turned out to be very enjoyable, actually, watching Joe Biden mop the floor with their dumb asses.
I wanted to hear the President not some White Trash from GA.
The White Trash from GA. Once again showing that White Trash just got no manners.
Your meme with Joe and Kamala is priceless!
My Brother!!!
The only prayer I know or use is ‘Thank You’ so I offer one up for the gift of ‘Cap. I knew this week was gonna be a ripper… it would be nearly impossible to describe this week in terms that sound MORE outrageous than the events themselves, but you did it!
I mean, ‘dog-walk our fool asses’, watch Joe play with his food, and especially the love for Buddha…”it’s something bowls can do”??? It’s like a Piñata of frikkin hilarious!
I love you man!
Jim
I always get temporarily pissed at you, Cap’n; for being late with your essay. Then, when I begin to smile and subsequently laugh out loud…it’s worth the wait. I always compare your screed to things I read decades ago in the now-defunct National Lampoon magazine. You’re at least as good! I watch Papa Smurf Joe Biden rip the Republicans a new asshole, and it was delightful. Personally, at over-eighty when the next bell rings, Joe should bow out gracefully. I am seventy-six years old, with a math-oriented MBA from a real university with a nationally accredited MBA program, and I am presently getting to be too stupid to take a shower, dress, and get a breakfast without help. I predict my dear wife will soon be summoning a taxidermist to set me up on the couch in front of the TV. Turn on the Psychobilly Channel (Nashville Pussy, Reach Around Rodeo Clowns, et al.) on Pandora, crank it up, and it will be like I’m still there.
Best,
OshkoshJohn
You got an extra big smile with “Marj made sure to dress like white trash that married into conflict diamond money” 🙂
Yep, Ol’ Handsome Joe ruled the SOTU and it was a breathtaking thing of beauty. Sly wit, joyful humor, and experience for THE WIN!
“A business model where people literally hand you money expecting nothing in return” sounds a lot like casino gambling. Now what fuckwit do we know who used to specialize in bankrupting casinos?
Cool news about the new sponsors–or at least one of them.
Keep Satan, kick Pfizer, Cap, there’s only so much evil you can endure before your soul becomes so twisted you have to screw your socks on in the morning. And yes, I am alluding to Pfizer, which, like PG&E in California, requires its employees to perform two separate rituals to Capitalizm and Profitz every single day. . .
Seriously, or maybe not, the Satanic Shower Cap is an idea whose time has come!!! You can start drinking mead instead of beer, watch ‘The Dunwich Horror’ instead of ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ every christmas, and do quotes from Elvira if the ghouls in Congress ever give you a break by NOT suggesting a mass Human sacrifice would be a great Superbowl Halftime Show. Or an Easter celebration, or a great Labor Day fete.
And, rambling on about Satan, the recent Grammy entertainment by Sam Smith made me laugh hysterically when I read all of the opining about the ‘actual Satanic Ritual’ ole’ Sam exposed the entire TeeVee audience to. Way to SCREAM ‘I don’t know shit about religion, either Christian or Satanic’, you multifarious multi-colored bladders full of possum farts who displayed your lack of either understanding or grace for the entire freakin’ world to laugh at. . . And I’m betting the Satanists are howling with laughter as well, wait, wasn’t there an earthquake in middle America?
If you want quality beer, bro, hit up old Satan Klaus for a case of Inferno 666, the beer that makes you long for the fiery pits. Or suseJ 99, the dark malt version that, with its inclusion of the best methyl alcohol ever brewed, will make you utterly at home in the dark, forever, when your eyeballs implode.
Seriously, Cap, the prognosis keeps looking grimmer and grimmer, so much so that I wouldn’t be surprised to find you at the local Satanic temple, praying for just enough time on the last Friday of the world to post your “Apocalypse Now!” blog, the ultimate collection of end-of-the-world jokes for all of your screaming fans. . .
You know, I just wanted to make a couple of Satan Klaus jokes, and here I go getting all dark and spooky. Sometimes I don’t understand why y’all put up with me. Or why I put up with me, for that matter.
Anyway, the SOTU address reminded me,.starkly, that if you populate your government with howler monkeys, you have to accept the extra clean-up time involved in getting flung shit off the floor, walls, and ceiling. Please understand, I have nothing against howler monkeys, and apologize sincerely for any offense they might feel at being compared to MTG, the inglorious Boebert, or Paul SFB(shit-for-brains) Gosar. It also caused, in my mind at least, a strong belief that Biden’s lack of popularity is an entirely GOP-generated phenomenon, thanks to a plethora of right-wing ‘news’ outlets pelting him with yet more howler-monkey crap all day, every day, in spite of what he and his administration has actually done for the country.
Please don’t trust Pfizer, a company that will never be allowed to die because Hell is afraid they’ll take over. Keep up the awesome work, try really hard to not let your brain ooze out of one or both ears due to the toxic levels of insanity you subject it to every day, and congrats for the overflowing fridge full of beer. I hope it’s enough to keep you happy-ish while you conjure up insults and similes that resonate with the woke members of your audience.
Remember to poison yourself responsibly, and never, ever, chug a beer bigger than your head.
Henry Rinehart
Never miss your entries, Cap…Thank YOU!! OMG, some EPIC keepers here…have a beer or two on me.
I live for your sacred blasphemous blogs.
And remember, Mike Pompeo is a fucking piece of shit Dominionist who I wish would just fuck off, shut up and go away. His claim that the Constitution was ‘divinely inspired’ is ignorant beyond reason, false and oh, I dunno…bullshit!! This isn’t your father’s theocracy or Oldsmobile anymore, it’s the new and improved White Nationalist theocracy here to oppress in the name of Jesus. ‘Separation of church and state’ must be a very hard phrase for some assholes with an agenda to understand. Carry on, Cap! You’re doing a great thing and are appreciated!