Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Bernie Bernstein and the Pedophile of Azkaban, er, Alabama
Folks, I know I say it a lot, and perhaps the repetition has stripped the phrase of meaning, but…shit be cray.
How cray? I’ll tell you. Some Yodeling Cracker Thumb called ‘Blake Shelton’ was declared the “sexiest man alive.” Dadbod isn’t THAT in, okay? If Blake Shelton walks into an Arby’s, he is not the sexiest man in that one particular Arby’s.
Hey, you remember that Alabama judicial nominee? The one who’s never tried a case? And then turned out to be married to one of Orange Julius Caesar’s lawyers? Well, it turns out that while he was busy not trying any cases, what he WAS doing was working as a “paranormal investigator.”
Sooooo…undisclosed conflict of interest, no experience, and now a ghost chaser. Lifetime federal court appointment. At the rate this guy makes headlines, by Saturday we’ll learn he spent the late 90’s stalking Judge Reinhold, rifling through his trash cans in hopes of finding old underpants to sniff.
The Simpsons made a joke about Kellyanne Conway, and how she’s like Goebbels. It’s a pretty good joke, plus by posting about it, I get to link to my Kellyanne Conway page, which I am proud of.
Well, the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, sat down to lie to Congress some more, in the House rather than the Senate this time, cuz Jefferson likes to spice things up! Don’t you think it’s weird how every time he testifies under oath, his memory has been jogged about whatever happens to have been revealed in the media since his last grilling, but nothing else? I think that’s weird.
I dunno. I can’t get too mad at Beau anymore. At this point, they’re either gonna catch up to him or they’re not; I don’t imagine the penalties get much worse for lying under oath three times rather than just twice.
With all the unmasking of Gross Dudes with Power sexually harassing/abusing women, we’re finally having long-overdue congressional hearings on the issue of sexual harassment in…congress. Hey, did you know that there’s a secret slush fund that allows congressmen and their staff to pay off sexual harassment claims? That it allows the accused to remain anonymous? And that it’s paid out more than $15 million since 1997? In TAXPAYER MONEY?
Cuz I didn’t. We might just need to revisit that particular policy.
The Marmalade Shartcannon announced that, contrary to tradition, he won’t be meeting with America’s Nobel laureates, because the one thing he does well is avoid situations where he might encounter criticism. Instead, he’ll sit down for an interview with the creator of the Trump That Bitch t-shirt, probably.
Shep Smith, from Fux Nooz, elegantly and concisely dismantled the big, dumb, totally phony, completely fabricated, born in the fever swamps of Breitbartistan, Uranium One conspiracy theory. It’s really quite lovely to behold. Bookmark the page, so you can link to the video the next time you encounter some slobbering lunatic screeching about Hillary selling eleventy percent of America’s uranium to blah blah blah blah blah.
On the other side of the “debate,” you have Louie Gohmert and his flowchart, which looks like it was put together by an old roommate of the Unabomber who got kicked out for being “too freaky.”
Already riverdancing from tightrope to knife’s edge and back again in their frantic attempt to redistribute America’s school supply money to the Kochs and Mercers, the GOP brain trust decided to take another pass at destroying Obamacare.
Bless their hearts, they just keep running into that electric fence. Only unlike velociraptors, they choose the same spot every single time.
Like, they started with a bill most people didn’t really like, but which didn’t have much of a spotlight on it, and said “Hey, let’s do that thing where we try taking health care away from millions of people just to make super rich people richer BZZZZZZZZZT hey, ow, who electrified that fence?”
Well, we know how to beat these fucks on this particular field, because we’ve done it twice before. You know the drill, Resisters. Get on those phones. Melt the Capitol Hill switchboard. Drag these bastards.
Y’know, I’m starting to think Mitch LIKES humiliating losses. Maybe he’s like, a legislative submissive, y’know? I bet he’s got a dungeon where he makes the Majority Whip tie him up and literally whip him, screaming “Murkowski’s a no! McCain demands regular order! Rand Paul demands a floor vote on an amendment to put his dad’s face on the ten dollar bill!”
50 Shades of Yertle.
Oh, and don’t miss this classic bit with Gary Cohn, where he can’t get a room full of CEOs to play along with the facade that giant corporate tax cuts will ever “trickle down” to us serfs.
Lord, what a shitty bill. The corporate cuts are permanent, but if you happen to have the misfortune to be an actual flesh and blood human being? Yours are temporary. By the way, you may remember when House Republicans enacted a special rule that made it harder to raise taxes? Well, they had the Rules Committee waive that little rule, what with all the taxes they’ll be raising.
Is Roy Moore STILL in the goddamn news? FUCK. I haven’t kept a meal down in a week. I’m really looking forward to the day when I get to stop reading about that malevolent hick forcing himself on teenagers.
Of course a couple new accusers surfaced, surprising nobody. It’s almost like “Judge” Roy is a SERIAL SEXUAL PREDATOR.
And we learned Moore and his shitty wife forged a phony letter of support from a bunch of Alabama pastors, many of whom are now angrily demanding to be removed from the “Hellz YES I’m Down with Child Molesters” list.
For extra fun, we get to spend more time with his creepy, jabbering attorney, Trenton Garmon. That’s right, you have to learn Roy Moore’s Extra-From-The-Hills-Have-Eyes scumbag lawyer’s name.
Look at that guy! Looks like the kind of dude who sneaks into gas stations, licks all the hotdogs, puts ’em back on the rollers, and hangs out in the parking lot giggling like a maniac whenever somebody buys one.
So he grabs a crayon to craft a masterwork of an I Have No Fucking Idea What I’m Doing cease-and-desist letter, and goes on teevee like his one mission in life is to go, “Oh, you thought Jeff Sessions was racist? HOLD MY MINT JULEP.”
Seriously, this guy’s whole schtick seems to be strutting around like a braying jackass, telling everyone, “Yup, I’m this dumb AND this racist, and in Alabama, I get to be LAWYER!”
The long-awaited sequel to MISSISSIPPI BURNING, ALABAMA ROBOCALLING, hit theaters this week. Yeah, some good ol’ boys set up a call purporting to be a sneaky Washington Post reporter offering cash payouts for dirt on poor put-upon Roy, going by the name of…I kid you not, “Bernie Bernstein.”
One cannot but admire the deft subtlety of the Alabama Ratfuck.
Anyway, lots of outlets are posting about what a tough choice Drumpfy faces with Moore, because I guess denouncing child molestation is hard or something?
To explore the Great Man’s Pathos, I have uncovered a passage from William Shakespeare’s THE MOST LAMENTABLE TRAGEDIE OF DONALD TRUMP, his soliloquy upon learning of the Moore Dilemma:
“Denounce Roy Moore,” from all sides am I pressed,
“The President must lead,” they hem and caw.
“The President must rather golf!” says he.
Mine Asia trip hath drained what little vigor
Remains to me once th’vile potion which doth
Maintain mine weird hair’s growth hath claimed its toll.
For ten long days and nights did I my job!
As spring doth follow winter, thus must golf
Rejuvenate the field left bare and frozen
By that unyielding torment men call “work.”
But ‘ere I am to know golf’s sweet embrace
Must I decide whether Moore shall know mine.
It seems his taste for teenage girls was so
Well-known to earn him life-time bans from malls.
That high school girls are hot I’ll not deny,
Have I not leered at mine own pageant teens?
What of the fact that one was but fourteen?
Or that another claims attempted rape?
The libtards mew “consent” like fawning Cucks,
Grab what thou wilt; to stars all is permitted!
But can one fairly call Judge Moore a Star?
Mine own yuge light outshines his paltry candle.
To make this choice assaults my very sanity;
I’ll not decide ‘ere I consult Sean Hannity.
So the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee returned home, and decided it would be really speshul and prezidenshul if he tweeted some condolences to the victims of the latest school shooting. And so he copied his tweet from the Sutherland Springs shooting, but he forgot to change the location, and just tweeted that out again.
Somehow, we’re supposed to believe that the guy who fucks up a half-ass gesture like CUT-AND-PASTING MASS SHOOTING CONDOLENCES is simply too effortlessly compassionate to have POSSIBLY insulted a grieving Gold Star widow.
Jared Kushner is getting sued again. If I made the gag about how this’ll make it harder for him to bring peace to the Middle East one more time, will you pretend you’ve never heard it?
If you want some good gnus, I got yer good gnus. The blue wave continues to roll through America’s special elections, as a Democrat picked up a state senate seat in blood-red Oklahoma last night! A female Democrat. In fact, a lesbian Democrat. Married to a black woman. In OKLAFUCKINGHOMA.
By 31 votes, folks. 31. We’re gonna win a bunch of ’em like that next year, aren’t we? Because all y’all are gonna VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right?
Christopher Steele, of the famous dossier bearing his name, told reporters that said dossier is “70-90% accurate,” which I take to mean that the precise number of the pee prostitutes is up in the air, and that some may have been male.
Also, the founder of Fusion GPS, which hired Steele in the first place, testified to the House Intelligence Committee that the sources in the dossier were not paid, because the best things in life are pee. Free. Dammit.
Secretary Mnuchin and his awful trophy wife thought it would be fun to take some prom pics with freshly-minted money, I guess because they never get tired of rubbing salt in the wounds of all the foreclosed-on homeowners who built Mnuchbag‘s fortune.
My theory on Louise is that she’s trying to draw attention herself so that when the time comes to start making movies about this shitstorm, she’ll seem like an interesting enough character to write into the script. Then she can lobby to play herself, restarting the failed Hollywood career that drove her into Steve’s ever-oldening arms in the first place.
And Donnie Two-Scoops called a press conference, promising a major announcement, but really he just wanted to brag about how he conquered Asia and everybody loves him and hates Obama but the joke was on him because the only thing that wound up being newsworthy was the clip of him needing both of his little baby hands to drink from a tiny little bottle of water.
Donnie my boy, you looked so childish and inept drinking that Fiji water, you actually managed to retroactively unCuck Marco Rubio. Congratulations.
What fresh fuckery is this now? The Shart Administration is reversing an Obama-era (of course) ban on importing elephant trophies? Just another giveaway to his populist base, right? Safari trophy hunting is basically the foundation of Rust Belt culture.
In related news, the Puppy & Kitten Stomping Act is scheduled for a hearing in the Senate We’re Just Straight Up Evil Now Committee, chaired by Ted Cruz.
Ugh. I can’t leave you good people this way. Want a video of Drumpf supporters saying Hilldawg should be impeached because they don’t know what words mean? Sure ya do.
I guess Charles Manson is dying? Gosh, that’s a shame. He was about to be nominated for a cabinet post
Best one yet, Cap, best one yet! High praise indeed. We even got a bit o’the Bard! Awesome!
Good lord I need these recaps! Thanks for the laugh!