Well, I haven’t had time to check in with the usual roundup, been so busy getting the site launched…is shit still cray?

Hmmm…wildfires raging all across the west, right on L.A.’s doorstep…the second major hurricane in a month tearing through the Caribbean on its way to Florida…the youngest member of the Manson Clan granted parole…

Yup. Shit remains thoroughly cray.

Big week for the Department of Justice! They confirmed that no, Barack Obama did not install tiny surveillance devices in the appliances in Drump Dower during election season, whatever Kellyanne Conway thinks. And if that investigation wasn’t enough to top your list of Super Rad Uses For Taxpayer Money, looks like they’re going to retry the woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions during his confirmation hearing!

I don’t know about y’all, but a mediocre old white dude bringing the awesome power of the state down on a woman who laughed at him just gives me a red, white, and blue boner! I’m sure the inalienable right Not to be Laughed at by Uppity Broads only got cut from the Declaration of Independence cuz they ran out of room, Beau.

Tangerine Idi Amin went back to Houston last weekend, because the fucker actually needed two tries to show a little empathy and meet actual victims. So he did a little photo op, told everyone to enjoy the shuffleboard and nacho dip, shit on the media just for kicks, and went back to golfing.

I guess tensions are beginning to bubble between Orange Julius Caesar and his Shiny New Chief of Staff, who has radical ideas like “Hey, all that shit that led to months of self-inflicted crisis and buffoonish failure? Maybe less of that?” Seems Donnie Two-Scoops misses his Breitbart and his Daily Caller, and people call Kelly “The Church Lady” behind his back, because he wants to run the White House like the White House, and not like a Day Care Center That’s Really a Front for a Meth Lab.

There was even a little story about Kelly feuding with Omarosa. What a world we live in, where a 4 star General and a reality television doofus are vying for the attention of the world’s most powerful Lump of Poo.

Speaking of Kelly, he allegedly locked Sheriff David Clarke’s dreams of working in the White House up in a cell without water until they died from thirst. Poor Sheriff Dave. After the Arpaio pardon, he probably thought he was getting his own concentration camp, ICE detention center to run.

Ooooo…and I see Rugged Robert Mueller got ahold of Don the Con’s original, presumably-written-in-crayon Why I Fired Jim Comey letter. Word is, the Shart House Counsel gave this draft a grade of “Are you fucking insane, do you WANT to go jail?” so I can only imagine he wrote something along the lines of “You seek justice, Jim, and I would prefer to obstruct it. You’re fired.”

Scandal in KKKris Kobach’s Kooky Kulling Komission, as members were caught doing their sensitive guvmint bizness over personal email, leaving data open to hacking and violating the Presidential Records Act! Luckily, all those voices that spent years assaulting HRC over her private email server immediately condemned Kobach, and demanded accountability!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. If you believed that last sentence for even a fleeting moment, please contact me, I have some real estate opportunities I’d like to share with you.

The Marmalade Shartcannon declared a day of prayer, and then, godly fella that he is, he announced he was repealing DACA protections, because his is a God only for the White and Shitty.

I should clarify. He sent his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, out to announce the repeal, because he’s not man enough to do his own dirty work. Sessions, of course, was more than willing. As the shit-eating grin he wore at the announcement showed, maintaining the supremacy of the White and Below-Average is his life’s work.

Some speculated Drumpf didn’t fully understand the ramifications of his decision, others thought he would hold DREAMers hostage, perhaps in a large cage over a lava pit, in exchange for funding for his Big Stupid Wall.

Mostly, he just seems to dislike being called “mean” just because of all the wanton cruelty and whatnot. Dumb shit seems to believe he’ll get credit for signing a bill rescuing these kids from his own repulsive decision. Who’s he gaslighting harder, us or himself?

A bunch of the cast-off goons from Team Shart got new gigs this week, congratulations! Spicey Sean joins the speaking circuit, because I guess people like to sit in chairs and hear lectures on Lying and Hiding in Bushes. (If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to enjoy even more mean spirited laughter at Sean’s expense…here ya go.)

Corey Lewandowski’s apparently going to be a visiting fellow at Harvard in the fall, filling the void left by the venerable Max Burgenstadt, the professor who taught “Beating Up Female Reporters” for lo these past six-and-twenty years, before his tragic death in a biscuits-and-gravy eating competition.

Meanwhile, Reince Priebus shaved his head, filed his teeth to points, and took a job managing a Roller Derby team under the name The Pubik Herr.

And even as some fuckheads move on, fresh new fuckheads spring up to take their place, for such is the Circle of Dookie. The nominee to lead NASA is a climate-change-denying congressdope so shitty even Marco Rubio’s like “My standards are microscopic, but we can do better here.” And of course the nominee to head the Civil Rights division at DoJ isn’t so hot on the whole “Civil Rights” thing.

I guess some Russian politician went on teevee to say, “Y’know….we’ve got all this Kompromat on that fellow with the awkwardly small fingers, just lying around. Frankly, it’s cluttering up the Kremlin. We should release that shit.” I’m with you, Comrade!

USAToday dropped an expose on all the CEOs and lobbyists and purveyors of finger-lengthening treatments paying for access to the Grifter in Chief via his expensive private golf clubs. I certainly remember hearing a whole lot of kvetching about pay-to-play politics from Republicans last year, so I bet they get right on this.

(Seriously. AMAZING real estate opportunities. Call me.)

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, who we haven’t heard from for awhile, (Because he was really givin’ it to a whole bunch of pigs. Like, he’s the Ham Hammer.) screamed a little bit about throwing around subpoenas from the investigative committee he recused himself from. Poor Devin blunders about like a non-funny Mr. Bean…by which I mean, he’s basically just a giant clod.

Oh, here’s some good shit. GOP Rep. Dave Reichert announced his retirement from the kinda-swingy Washington 8th! We’ve been waiting for the stampede of Republican retirement announcements to begin, it’s a great sign of a potential midterm wave. Congressmen are kind of like livestock that way, they get fidgety before a big storm.

I guess the Not-So-Great Dictator decided to throw a little tantrum at Mitch n’ Paulie, cuz he’s still mad they didn’t let him take away millions of folks’ health care. In a meeting with congressional leaders regarding all that nutty must-pass September legislation, SCROTUS rejected multiple GOP propositions (even shushing poor Mnuchbag) before accepting Chuck n’ Nancy’s opening proposal, because DEALS.

To rub a little salt in the wound, he even let Princess Ivanka swing by the meeting, probably to sell Mitch some shitty high heels she had made in Bangladesh. “They’re actually made…from turtle skin,” she sneered, as a weeping McConnell forced his withered foot into the tacky, too-small shoe…

He then flew off to North Dakota, where he told everybody how cool his friend Heidi Heitkamp is. I’m sure Presidents talk up vulnerable senators from the opposing party before elections all the time. He was in ND to shill tax reform, pledging that the days of the US being the highest-taxed nation on earth were over! I guess it’s easy to promise to change things…to the way they already are. Maybe next he’ll pledge to put nougat in Snickers bars.

(Oh, and The Misshapen Traffic Cone made history in that speech, becoming the first American President to Get 31 Flavors of Creepy About His Own Daughter in North Dakota! Congrats, you creepy old man!)

The Republican Party is…displeased. Lou Dobbs waggled his jowls disapprovingly at Ryan for being a RINO. WaPo tells us Steve Bannon and Mark Meadows have begun plotting replacing Ryan as Speaker of the House, possibly with the reanimated remains of Barry Goldwater, wearing a skin suit crafted from grafts lifted from Newt Gingrich’s ass.

Seriously though. There are all kinds of behind-the-scenes pieces about how pissed Republicans are right now. Read ’em, they’re like porn.

It’ll be extra hilarious when Chuck n’ Nancy say “Thanks for shitting on you own team, bro, you’re still not getting any wall money!” and give Stephen Miller an atomic wedgie.

As Florida braces for Irma, Bloated Scatmuncher Rush Limbaugh rants about how…hang on…how hurricane warnings/preparedness are…some kind of…conspiracy to push the Illuminati’s climate change hoaxspiracy and…fuck, I don’t know, maybe he’s back on pills. Oh, and you’ll be pleased to learn the airlines are price-gouging the living fuck out of people fleeing the storm.

Our President, ever the insightful analyst, calls Irma “Not good.” Must’ve found out it was headed to a property he owns.

And Facebook sez “Oh hey, we sold a bunch of targeted ads to a Russian trollbot farm. Sorry about the never-ending global crisis that ensued in the aftermath. Our bad.” (This blog post will resume as soon as I have finished weeping.)

Pity poor Gary Cohn. Like all the other pathetic remoras of this Vichy regime, Gary was forced to eat shit three meals a day, with maybe some rabbit turd trail mix for a snack, but by golly, it’d all be worth it when he got appointed Fed Chair!

Well, now Dorito Mussolini’s mad at Gary because Gary didn’t have his back when he talked about how deceptively cuddly Nazis are, and Gary’s Fed appointment dreams seem to have floated away like ashes from a burning cross.

Did I say “pity” Gary Cohn? I meant, “Point and laugh at Gary Cohn.” I’m buying him a t-shirt that says “I collaborated with amoral racist monsters, and I all got was this irremovable blight on my very soul.”

I invite you to peruse this touching tale of unshakable loyalty given by one terrible person to the worst person in the world. It will bring a tear to your eye, but the tear will be made of blood, and will it will burn to the touch.

Didja see that one story about Russians dumping fat stacks of money in in the big anti-immigrant President’s pocket in order to give birth in his properties, granting their kids American citizenship?  WHAT WILL SHERIFF JOE THINK?

And hey, Campus Rapists! Good news! Betsy DeVos has your back, dudes! Go ahead and roofie that red solo cup, bro! Soon it’ll be harder than ever to hold you to account! MEN’S RIGHTS!

Shart, Jr had his closed door meeting with Senate staffers. Bright young lad that he is, he’s decided “I tried to collaborate with Russia, but it didn’t work out” is his best line of defense. I look forward to the trials.

And now Dennis Rodman’s offering to mediate between his two chums, Kim Jong-un and Shart Garfunkel. Great. We can have a peace summit with those three, the Hamburgler and Left Shark. THANK GOD WE’RE SAVED

…and now Wikileaks is saying Seth Rogan and the CIA plotted to overthrow the North Korean government.

Nope. I refuse to believe this anymore. I’m in, like, a Truman Show situation here, and all this is being manufactured to drive me nuts because ratings have been down. Well GOOD AFTERNOON GOOD EVENING AND GOOD NIGHT, says I.