Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Bet Paul Ryan’s Sick of Frankenstein References By Now
Well, I haven’t had time to check in with the usual roundup, been so busy getting the site launched…is shit still cray?
Hmmm…wildfires raging all across the west, right on L.A.’s doorstep…the second major hurricane in a month tearing through the Caribbean on its way to Florida…the youngest member of the Manson Clan granted parole…
Yup. Shit remains thoroughly cray.
Big week for the Department of Justice! They confirmed that no, Barack Obama did not install tiny surveillance devices in the appliances in Drump Dower during election season, whatever Kellyanne Conway thinks. And if that investigation wasn’t enough to top your list of Super Rad Uses For Taxpayer Money, looks like they’re going to retry the woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions during his confirmation hearing!
I don’t know about y’all, but a mediocre old white dude bringing the awesome power of the state down on a woman who laughed at him just gives me a red, white, and blue boner! I’m sure the inalienable right Not to be Laughed at by Uppity Broads only got cut from the Declaration of Independence cuz they ran out of room, Beau.
Tangerine Idi Amin went back to Houston last weekend, because the fucker actually needed two tries to show a little empathy and meet actual victims. So he did a little photo op, told everyone to enjoy the shuffleboard and nacho dip, shit on the media just for kicks, and went back to golfing.
I guess tensions are beginning to bubble between Orange Julius Caesar and his Shiny New Chief of Staff, who has radical ideas like “Hey, all that shit that led to months of self-inflicted crisis and buffoonish failure? Maybe less of that?” Seems Donnie Two-Scoops misses his Breitbart and his Daily Caller, and people call Kelly “The Church Lady” behind his back, because he wants to run the White House like the White House, and not like a Day Care Center That’s Really a Front for a Meth Lab.
There was even a little story about Kelly feuding with Omarosa. What a world we live in, where a 4 star General and a reality television doofus are vying for the attention of the world’s most powerful Lump of Poo.
Speaking of Kelly, he allegedly locked Sheriff David Clarke’s dreams of working in the White House up in a cell without water until they died from thirst. Poor Sheriff Dave. After the Arpaio pardon, he probably thought he was getting his own
concentration camp, ICE detention center to run.
Ooooo…and I see Rugged Robert Mueller got ahold of Don the Con’s original, presumably-written-in-crayon Why I Fired Jim Comey letter. Word is, the Shart House Counsel gave this draft a grade of “Are you fucking insane, do you WANT to go jail?” so I can only imagine he wrote something along the lines of “You seek justice, Jim, and I would prefer to obstruct it. You’re fired.”
Scandal in KKKris Kobach’s Kooky Kulling Komission, as members were caught doing their sensitive guvmint bizness over personal email, leaving data open to hacking and violating the Presidential Records Act! Luckily, all those voices that spent years assaulting HRC over her private email server immediately condemned Kobach, and demanded accountability!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. If you believed that last sentence for even a fleeting moment, please contact me, I have some real estate opportunities I’d like to share with you.
The Marmalade Shartcannon declared a day of prayer, and then, godly fella that he is, he announced he was repealing DACA protections, because his is a God only for the White and Shitty.
I should clarify. He sent his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, out to announce the repeal, because he’s not man enough to do his own dirty work. Sessions, of course, was more than willing. As the shit-eating grin he wore at the announcement showed, maintaining the supremacy of the White and Below-Average is his life’s work.
Some speculated Drumpf didn’t fully understand the ramifications of his decision, others thought he would hold DREAMers hostage, perhaps in a large cage over a lava pit, in exchange for funding for his Big Stupid Wall.
Mostly, he just seems to dislike being called “mean” just because of all the wanton cruelty and whatnot. Dumb shit seems to believe he’ll get credit for signing a bill rescuing these kids from his own repulsive decision. Who’s he gaslighting harder, us or himself?
A bunch of the cast-off goons from Team Shart got new gigs this week, congratulations! Spicey Sean joins the speaking circuit, because I guess people like to sit in chairs and hear lectures on Lying and Hiding in Bushes. (If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to enjoy even more mean spirited laughter at Sean’s expense…here ya go.)
Corey Lewandowski’s apparently going to be a visiting fellow at Harvard in the fall, filling the void left by the venerable Max Burgenstadt, the professor who taught “Beating Up Female Reporters” for lo these past six-and-twenty years, before his tragic death in a biscuits-and-gravy eating competition.
Meanwhile, Reince Priebus shaved his head, filed his teeth to points, and took a job managing a Roller Derby team under the name The Pubik Herr.
And even as some fuckheads move on, fresh new fuckheads spring up to take their place, for such is the Circle of Dookie. The nominee to lead NASA is a climate-change-denying congressdope so shitty even Marco Rubio’s like “My standards are microscopic, but we can do better here.” And of course the nominee to head the Civil Rights division at DoJ isn’t so hot on the whole “Civil Rights” thing.
I guess some Russian politician went on teevee to say, “Y’know….we’ve got all this Kompromat on that fellow with the awkwardly small fingers, just lying around. Frankly, it’s cluttering up the Kremlin. We should release that shit.” I’m with you, Comrade!
USAToday dropped an expose on all the CEOs and lobbyists and purveyors of finger-lengthening treatments paying for access to the Grifter in Chief via his expensive private golf clubs. I certainly remember hearing a whole lot of kvetching about pay-to-play politics from Republicans last year, so I bet they get right on this.
(Seriously. AMAZING real estate opportunities. Call me.)
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, who we haven’t heard from for awhile, (Because he was really givin’ it to a whole bunch of pigs. Like, he’s the Ham Hammer.) screamed a little bit about throwing around subpoenas from the investigative committee he recused himself from. Poor Devin blunders about like a non-funny Mr. Bean…by which I mean, he’s basically just a giant clod.
Oh, here’s some good shit. GOP Rep. Dave Reichert announced his retirement from the kinda-swingy Washington 8th! We’ve been waiting for the stampede of Republican retirement announcements to begin, it’s a great sign of a potential midterm wave. Congressmen are kind of like livestock that way, they get fidgety before a big storm.
I guess the Not-So-Great Dictator decided to throw a little tantrum at Mitch n’ Paulie, cuz he’s still mad they didn’t let him take away millions of folks’ health care. In a meeting with congressional leaders regarding all that nutty must-pass September legislation, SCROTUS rejected multiple GOP propositions (even shushing poor Mnuchbag) before accepting Chuck n’ Nancy’s opening proposal, because DEALS.
To rub a little salt in the wound, he even let Princess Ivanka swing by the meeting, probably to sell Mitch some shitty high heels she had made in Bangladesh. “They’re actually made…from turtle skin,” she sneered, as a weeping McConnell forced his withered foot into the tacky, too-small shoe…
He then flew off to North Dakota, where he told everybody how cool his friend Heidi Heitkamp is. I’m sure Presidents talk up vulnerable senators from the opposing party before elections all the time. He was in ND to shill tax reform, pledging that the days of the US being the highest-taxed nation on earth were over! I guess it’s easy to promise to change things…to the way they already are. Maybe next he’ll pledge to put nougat in Snickers bars.
(Oh, and The Misshapen Traffic Cone made history in that speech, becoming the first American President to Get 31 Flavors of Creepy About His Own Daughter in North Dakota! Congrats, you creepy old man!)
The Republican Party is…displeased. Lou Dobbs waggled his jowls disapprovingly at Ryan for being a RINO. WaPo tells us Steve Bannon and Mark Meadows have begun plotting replacing Ryan as Speaker of the House, possibly with the reanimated remains of Barry Goldwater, wearing a skin suit crafted from grafts lifted from Newt Gingrich’s ass.
Seriously though. There are all kinds of behind-the-scenes pieces about how pissed Republicans are right now. Read ’em, they’re like porn.
It’ll be extra hilarious when Chuck n’ Nancy say “Thanks for shitting on you own team, bro, you’re still not getting any wall money!” and give Stephen Miller an atomic wedgie.
As Florida braces for Irma, Bloated Scatmuncher Rush Limbaugh rants about how…hang on…how hurricane warnings/preparedness are…some kind of…conspiracy to push the Illuminati’s climate change hoaxspiracy and…fuck, I don’t know, maybe he’s back on pills. Oh, and you’ll be pleased to learn the airlines are price-gouging the living fuck out of people fleeing the storm.
Our President, ever the insightful analyst, calls Irma “Not good.” Must’ve found out it was headed to a property he owns.
And Facebook sez “Oh hey, we sold a bunch of targeted ads to a Russian trollbot farm. Sorry about the never-ending global crisis that ensued in the aftermath. Our bad.” (This blog post will resume as soon as I have finished weeping.)
Pity poor Gary Cohn. Like all the other pathetic remoras of this Vichy regime, Gary was forced to eat shit three meals a day, with maybe some rabbit turd trail mix for a snack, but by golly, it’d all be worth it when he got appointed Fed Chair!
Well, now Dorito Mussolini’s mad at Gary because Gary didn’t have his back when he talked about how deceptively cuddly Nazis are, and Gary’s Fed appointment dreams seem to have floated away like ashes from a burning cross.
Did I say “pity” Gary Cohn? I meant, “Point and laugh at Gary Cohn.” I’m buying him a t-shirt that says “I collaborated with amoral racist monsters, and I all got was this irremovable blight on my very soul.”
I invite you to peruse this touching tale of unshakable loyalty given by one terrible person to the worst person in the world. It will bring a tear to your eye, but the tear will be made of blood, and will it will burn to the touch.
Didja see that one story about Russians dumping fat stacks of money in in the big anti-immigrant President’s pocket in order to give birth in his properties, granting their kids American citizenship? WHAT WILL SHERIFF JOE THINK?
And hey, Campus Rapists! Good news! Betsy DeVos has your back, dudes! Go ahead and roofie that red solo cup, bro! Soon it’ll be harder than ever to hold you to account! MEN’S RIGHTS!
Shart, Jr had his closed door meeting with Senate staffers. Bright young lad that he is, he’s decided “I tried to collaborate with Russia, but it didn’t work out” is his best line of defense. I look forward to the trials.
And now Dennis Rodman’s offering to mediate between his two chums, Kim Jong-un and Shart Garfunkel. Great. We can have a peace summit with those three, the Hamburgler and Left Shark. THANK GOD WE’RE SAVED
…and now Wikileaks is saying Seth Rogan and the CIA plotted to overthrow the North Korean government.
Nope. I refuse to believe this anymore. I’m in, like, a Truman Show situation here, and all this is being manufactured to drive me nuts because ratings have been down. Well GOOD AFTERNOON GOOD EVENING AND GOOD NIGHT, says I.
Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off! I don’t know how you keep up with all the shit, but you’re becoming one of my go to for facts guy very fast! LOL!