Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
BREAKING: Persecuted Republicans Forced to Drink Own Piss in Underground “Speakeasies”
A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of the undersides of decency’s desks and counters; always unpleasant, though perhaps no longer surprising.
So, Republicans’re all excited, because their hard turn towards authoritarianism means one of their very favorite activities, book-burning, is back on the table. That’s what the whole, phony “critical race theory” panic is for, right? Trouble is, you’re still not allowed to SAY you want to burn books, and they’re just not bright enough to thread that needle, which is actually a fairly common shortcoming in the book-burning crowd, for reasons which I’m sure remain obscure.
ANYWAY, they’re so clumsy when it comes to concealing their true, long-term goals (in this case, a massive, eternal bonfire, forever annihilating every dissenting voice, past, present, or future) that they frequently wind up like Indiana state Senator Scott Baldwin, pullin’ down big time headlines for suggesting schoolteachers take it easier on Nazism, in the interest of “impartiality.” Can’t let the mask* slip like that, bro.
Look at how much better Ron DeSantis is at staying within the lines of plausible deniability, as he pitches his latest proposed assault on the First Amendment and objective reality. When Ron suggests deputizing every internet-addled crank with too much free time (just like that batshit abortion law in Texas) to hunt down and punish thoughtcrime in public schools, he justifies it by claiming that to teach children that racism exists is to indoctrinate them to “hate America,“ and while that’s some straight Iron Curtain shit, he gets away with it, because he doesn’t trumpet the fact that he got the idea from the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Totalitarianism. You takin’ notes, Baldwin?
By the way, the Virginia GOP’s version of this horseshit was apparently drafted by prominent scholars of American history who believe Abraham Lincoln debated Frederick Douglass, (ABOUT WHAT, YOU FUCKHEADS?) and I’m proposing legislation that would require federal, state, and local lawmakers to pass a modest selection of the tests administered to our nation’s assorted seventh graders before they’re allowed to even fucking think about changing education laws.
Gym Jordan, who has been known to bleat defiantly at confused passersby that he has “nothing to hide” from the January 6th commission, announced his intention to hide, if he’s able, from the January 6th commission. You gotta admit, the creep stays on-brand; if a situation presents any opportunity, however fleeting or slight, to demonstrate moral cowardice, James Daniel Jordan will find it, and while I don’t believe lawmaking is a good fit for this personality type, I’m sure there’s a spot for him in the next Alien movie.
I see Kevin McCarthy is already publicly fantasizing about the fun, fashy abuses he’s got planned for that speaker’s gavel. He’s gonna evict multiple Democratic congressmen from their committees, y’see, in revenge for (QAnon lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene and (open white nationalist) Paul Gosar, who were stripped of their own assignments for, lest we forget, inciting violence against their fellow elected representatives of the American people.
Hey, remember when “you shouldn’t try to get your coworkers murdered by crazy people” was an uncontroversial statement, a bipartisan belief? Wasn’t so very long ago. But from the Trump White House to Kyle Rittenhouse, Republicans have put a whole lotta work in, normalizing violence as a viable, even necessary political tactic, and it’s clear they’re going to make us pry that nasty new corner of the Overton window out of their brain dead hands.
Like, didja catch Rand Paul’s shitty shenanigans this week? He was doing that thing he does, by which I mean rotating Anthony Fauci, one of the mob’s very favorite targets, back into the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. The good doctor made the eminently reasonable request that Senator Paul cut it out with the incendiary falsehoods that have led to death threats and harassment targeted not just himself, but his family. (Oh, and also maybe stop fundraising off the whole thing, you sociopathic taintwart.)
And watch Rand. Really fuckin’ watch his response, as a fellow human being tells him his behavior led directly to a barrage of death threats. It’s about halfway between “Don’t care” and “Yep, and one of ‘em’ll get you one of these days, too.”
That’s who Rand Paul is. That is 100% of what you need to understand about Rand Paul. And ignore it at your peril, by the way.
If you’re unable to afford a Rand Paul of your own, may I suggest Kansas’ Roger Marshall as a passable generic knockoff, with his cringey, attention-seeking “FAUCI Act?” Jesus, Roger, you’re not even a good troll. Moron.
So, the latest wingnut miracle cure for Covid is Drinking Your Own Piss, and I’m only surprised it took us two years to get here. While I haven’t formally conducted the polling, I’m fairly certain there’s not one person left in this country with the energy to stop these tantrum-throwing fuckwits from ingesting materials their own bodies released as waste, (biology, like all the major sciences, is for cucks) so keep on chuggin’ pee, kids, I’ve heard you own a dozen libs with every sweet, sweet drop.
…have we heard any “somebody punched a doctor for refusing to hook their Covid-stricken spouse’s catheter directly into their IV bag” stories yet? Give it a couple weeks.
We got a fun look at the documents Team Treasonweasel used in their Trojan Horse But Dumb plot to replace seven states’ legitimate election results with Folgers Crystals, or three fascist toddlers in a trench coat, or just Junior n’ Eric, bleeding from the lip after attaching fake mustaches with staples. If this clown brigade ever filters the piss guzzlers out of leadership, we’re gonna be in trouble.
Rolling Stone reports the Big Lie, that tumor spreading through the body politic, receives crucial financing from the wealthiest right-wing megadonors around, including our old friends in the DeVos family. I’m told Betsy wants to see American democracy die during her lifetime so badly, she’s redirected funds slated for cosmetic upgrades to as many as three of her yachts; truly it’s that sort of sacrifice that made this nation great.
Congratulations go out to domestic terror cell leader Stewart Rhodes, who’ll encounter all kinds of fun new oaths to keep as he makes his way through the criminal justice system, thanks to his shiny new SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY CHARGES, stemming from his role in the Capitol Riot. Rhodes helpfully provided prosecutors a digital paper trail as sturdy as it is damning, so expect him to skip directly to the long legal struggle to win the religious freedom to drink piss in federal prison.
One of Rhodes’ co-conspirators in the plot to violently overthrow the American government turns out to be a regular on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, a useful reminder that the most-watched show on cable literally platforms terrorists in its ongoing effort to radicalize the white nationalist mass murderers of tomorrow. (When it’s not the staging ground for the ritual debasement of any U.S. Senators who dare deviate from death cult doctrine, of course.)
Well, the radical, unhinged, and incidentally stolen SCOTUS majority snickeringly stripped the Biden Administration of important pandemic-fighting powers, heroically preserving the right of amoral crotchmaggots to undermine public health policy through malicious gaslighting, because if there’s one thing the Founding Fathers hated with a fury that shook the very powder from their wigs, it’s Americans surviving when they could be dying instead.
Hey, has anybody else noticed the steady trickle of redistricting news has been…actually pretty good? Accompanied by some sharp shifts in the ol’ Generic Congressional? And now this latest ruling, from Ohio, has gotta leave you more excited than ever to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right? I mean, yeah, a lot of the fundamentals are against us, but we’re also just a variant away from a blowout, so…I mean, as the saying goes, “never interrupt your enemy when he is, for whatever reason, pounding carpentry nails into his own forehead.”
Good gravy. Well, as much fun as this was, this particular frog is jumping out of the boiling water for the time being, if only to grab a cold beer from the fridge. I fucking well deserve it. And so do you, actually. Pick your poison and get your weekend started, friend, that’s what I say. Unless your poison’s piss. Oh heck, imbibe what you want, it’s a free country! Just stay safe out there…