A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of the undersides of decency’s desks and counters; always unpleasant, though perhaps no longer surprising.

So, Republicans’re all excited, because their hard turn towards authoritarianism means one of their very favorite activities, book-burning, is back on the table. That’s what the whole, phony “critical race theory” panic is for, right? Trouble is, you’re still not allowed to SAY you want to burn books, and they’re just not bright enough to thread that needle, which is actually a fairly common shortcoming in the book-burning crowd, for reasons which I’m sure remain obscure.

ANYWAY, they’re so clumsy when it comes to concealing their true, long-term goals (in this case, a massive, eternal bonfire, forever annihilating every dissenting voice, past, present, or future) that they frequently wind up like Indiana state Senator Scott Baldwin, pullin’ down big time headlines for suggesting schoolteachers take it easier on Nazism, in the interest of “impartiality.”  Can’t let the mask* slip like that, bro.

Look at how much better Ron DeSantis is at staying within the lines of plausible deniability, as he pitches his latest proposed assault on the First Amendment and objective reality. When Ron suggests deputizing every internet-addled crank with too much free time (just like that batshit abortion law in Texas) to hunt down and punish thoughtcrime in public schools, he justifies it by claiming that to teach children that racism exists is to indoctrinate them to “hate America,“ and while that’s some straight Iron Curtain shit, he gets away with it, because he doesn’t trumpet the fact that he got the idea from the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Totalitarianism. You takin’ notes, Baldwin?

By the way, the Virginia GOP’s version of this horseshit was apparently drafted by prominent scholars of American history who believe Abraham Lincoln debated Frederick Douglass, (ABOUT WHAT, YOU FUCKHEADS?) and I’m proposing legislation that would require federal, state, and local lawmakers to pass a modest selection of the tests administered to our nation’s assorted seventh graders before they’re allowed to even fucking think about changing education laws.

Gym Jordan, who has been known to bleat defiantly at confused passersby that he has “nothing to hide” from the January 6th commission, announced his intention to hide, if he’s able, from the January 6th commission. You gotta admit, the creep stays on-brand; if a situation presents any opportunity, however fleeting or slight, to demonstrate moral cowardice, James Daniel Jordan will find it, and while I don’t believe lawmaking is a good fit for this personality type, I’m sure there’s a spot for him in the next Alien movie.

I see Kevin McCarthy is already publicly fantasizing about the fun, fashy abuses he’s got planned for that speaker’s gavel. He’s gonna evict multiple Democratic congressmen from their committees, y’see, in revenge for (QAnon lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene and (open white nationalist) Paul Gosar, who were stripped of their own assignments for, lest we forget, inciting violence against their fellow elected representatives of the American people.

Hey, remember when “you shouldn’t try to get your coworkers murdered by crazy people” was an uncontroversial statement, a bipartisan belief? Wasn’t so very long ago. But from the Trump White House to Kyle Rittenhouse, Republicans have put a whole lotta work in, normalizing violence as a viable, even necessary political tactic, and it’s clear they’re going to make us pry that nasty new corner of the Overton window out of their brain dead hands.

Like, didja catch Rand Paul’s shitty shenanigans this week? He was doing that thing he does, by which I mean rotating Anthony Fauci, one of the mob’s very favorite targets, back into the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. The good doctor made the eminently reasonable request that Senator Paul cut it out with the incendiary falsehoods that have led to death threats and harassment targeted not just himself, but his family. (Oh, and also maybe stop fundraising off the whole thing, you sociopathic taintwart.)

And watch Rand. Really fuckin’ watch his response, as a fellow human being tells him his behavior led directly to a barrage of death threats. It’s about halfway between “Don’t care” and “Yep, and one of ‘em’ll get you one of these days, too.”

That’s who Rand Paul is. That is 100% of what you need to understand about Rand Paul. And ignore it at your peril, by the way.

If you’re unable to afford a Rand Paul of your own, may I suggest Kansas’ Roger Marshall as a passable generic knockoff, with his cringey, attention-seeking “FAUCI Act?” Jesus, Roger, you’re not even a good troll. Moron. 

So, the latest wingnut miracle cure for Covid is Drinking Your Own Piss, and I’m only surprised it took us two years to get here. While I haven’t formally conducted the polling, I’m fairly certain there’s not one person left in this country with the energy to stop these tantrum-throwing fuckwits from ingesting materials their own bodies released as waste, (biology, like all the major sciences, is for cucks) so keep on chuggin’ pee, kids, I’ve heard you own a dozen libs with every sweet, sweet drop.

…have we heard any “somebody punched a doctor for refusing to hook their Covid-stricken spouse’s catheter directly into their IV bag” stories yet? Give it a couple weeks.   

We got a fun look at the documents Team Treasonweasel used in their Trojan Horse But Dumb plot to replace seven states’ legitimate election results with Folgers Crystals, or three fascist toddlers in a trench coat, or just Junior n’ Eric, bleeding from the lip after attaching fake mustaches with staples. If this clown brigade ever filters the piss guzzlers out of leadership, we’re gonna be in trouble.

Rolling Stone reports the Big Lie, that tumor spreading through the body politic, receives crucial financing from the wealthiest right-wing megadonors around, including our old friends in the DeVos family. I’m told Betsy wants to see American democracy die during her lifetime so badly, she’s redirected funds slated for cosmetic upgrades to as many as three of her yachts; truly it’s that sort of sacrifice that made this nation great.

Congratulations go out to domestic terror cell leader Stewart Rhodes, who’ll encounter all kinds of fun new oaths to keep as he makes his way through the criminal justice system, thanks to his shiny new SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY CHARGES, stemming from his role in the Capitol Riot. Rhodes helpfully provided prosecutors a digital paper trail as sturdy as it is damning, so expect him to skip directly to the long legal struggle to win the religious freedom to drink piss in federal prison.

One of Rhodes’ co-conspirators in the plot to violently overthrow the American government turns out to be a regular on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, a useful reminder that the most-watched show on cable literally platforms terrorists in its ongoing effort to radicalize the white nationalist mass murderers of tomorrow. (When it’s not the staging ground for the ritual debasement of any U.S. Senators who dare deviate from death cult doctrine, of course.)

Well, the radical, unhinged, and incidentally stolen SCOTUS majority snickeringly stripped the Biden Administration of important pandemic-fighting powers, heroically preserving the right of amoral crotchmaggots to undermine public health policy through malicious gaslighting, because if there’s one thing the Founding Fathers hated with a fury that shook the very powder from their wigs, it’s Americans surviving when they could be dying instead.

Hey, has anybody else noticed the steady trickle of redistricting news has been…actually pretty good? Accompanied by some sharp shifts in the ol’ Generic Congressional? And now this latest ruling, from Ohio, has gotta leave you more excited than ever to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right? I mean, yeah, a lot of the fundamentals are against us, but we’re also just a variant away from a blowout, so…I mean, as the saying goes, “never interrupt your enemy when he is, for whatever reason, pounding carpentry nails into his own forehead.”

Good gravy. Well, as much fun as this was, this particular frog is jumping out of the boiling water for the time being, if only to grab a cold beer from the fridge. I fucking well deserve it. And so do you, actually. Pick your poison and get your weekend started, friend, that’s what I say. Unless your poison’s piss. Oh heck, imbibe what you want, it’s a free country! Just stay safe out there…

*Hood