Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hey, I Think My Blog’s About to Become Illegal in Florida, Neat!
It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions, between the shrill, unceasing squeak of my apartment building’s heating unit, pulsing Edgar Allan Poe-ly outside my office window, and the steady stream of wingnut fuckery in my news feed, I have instead gone quite mad. The toddies have been nice, however.
Before we dive into the deep end of the septic tank, let’s pop by the demented day care center known as the “House Republican Conference” real quick, shall we? Ah. I see Dan Crenshaw pitched a fit at a 10-year-old girl, Madison Cawthorn figured a Veterans’ Affairs Committee hearing was an appropriate setting to fiddle with his firearm, and Lauren Boebert hilariously accused a group of Jewish visitors to the Capitol of conducting “reconnaissance.”
…America, as you flirt with the idea of handing control of the United States government to this meth lab clown show, just…I mean, caveat freaking emptor, y’know?
A welcome victory in the war against disinformation, as the odious hate-mongers of One America “News” Network got booted off DirecTV, a potentially cataclysmic deplatforming. Good. Fuck you. Say hi to Milo Yiannopoulos for me, when you finally hit pavement in whatever slum of obscurity you shitbags wind up in once you’ve lost the ability to monetize your bile. Hey, DO FOX NEXT.
I hope the future alien anthropologists picking through the ruins of our garbage civilization make note of the annual right-wing ritual observed this week; the ceremonial contortion of Martin Luther King Jr. quotes by the growing-more-white-supremacist-daily Republican Party is, in my opinion, perhaps the most fascinating of 21st-century conservatism’s admittedly primitive traditions.
Like…who do y’all think you’re fooling?* Even Mitch McConnell, who’s normally a Jedi master when it comes to keeping the bullshit straight, can’t stop himself from stamping an asterisk onto the end of the term “African-American.” You fucks can butcher public school curriculums wherever you’re able, but you cannot conceal what you’ve become. “Racism isn’t real HEY PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE UNAPOLOGETIC WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR CAUCUS.”
Still, they’re really betting heavy on this critical race theory tantrum, aren’t they? On a certain level, I respect the honesty of confessing the only way to create new generations of Republican voters is to indoctrinate children with ridiculous falsehoods, but it’s still straight-up Nazi shit. Don’t forget that.
I mean, Ol’ Glenn Youngkin planted that fashy little flag on day one. “In MY state, we LIE to our kids!” sez Glenn. Good thing Election Day happened to land right in the middle of that two-week inflation scare, now this malicious dolt gets to be Governor for four whole years. Oh, and say goodbye to blue state Covid rules, (the ones that, y’know…work) let’s give the Tate Reeves approach a try; it’s bread n’ funerals, not circuses, a death cult craves.
And down in DeSantistan, the Fuck Your Feelings Party is attempting to outlaw the truth, wheresoever the truth might make any individual white person feel “discomfort” or “guilt,” (though I’m sure, when the replacement propaganda causes “discomfort” in non-white students and parents, they’ll be treated equally under the law. Y’know, like with stand your ground.) because there ain’t no fascist whinier than an American fascist.
I see a group of former Trumpworld enablers n’ collaborators have banded together to “strategize” ways to keep a certain flushed turd from clawing his way back up from the sewer. While the names associated with this movement (John Kelly, Stephanie Grisham, John Bolton, the goddamn Mooch) tend to bring out my Who Farted in Church After First Eating Six Pounds of Yak Rectums face, I certainly wish them well in this endeavor**.
The Supreme Court, those ingrates, will merrily strip reproductive rights from millions of women without batting an eye, but when their ol’ pal Donnie (who stole a couple of ‘em their very jobs) needs help shredding a little evidence, suddenly everybody but Clarence Thomas is “washing their hair,” or “laughing at the idiot manchild who never grasped how everyone around him was using him.”
And while the Deposed Dotard’s instincts on nearly every aspect of the human condition, from What Championship Athletes Eat to How to Wear Pants, tend towards the buffoonish, on this one, I have to admit, the impulse to conceal these particular documents was spot freakin’ on.
Cuz about ten seconds after the National Archives released that shit, we got a look at an absolutely chilling draft executive order, directing the seizure of voting machines by the Defense Department, making Sydney Krakhead Powell a Special Counsel to “investigate” the election, like some dipshit mirror universe Bob Mueller, and appointing Stephen Miller Duke of Wisconsin.
There were also, just for laffs, some unused “Remarks on National Healing,” in case Donald Trump decided to throw in the towel and do the right thing for once. I suppose, at such heights, the line between optimism and delusion gets blurry.
ANYHOO, even as SCOTUS tightened one of the many the vises clamped to Off-Brand Orbán’s withered, dusty nutsack, an Atlanta district attorney asked a judge to convene a grand jury in her own investigation of the whole “criminal attempt to overthrow the democratically-elected government” thing. Now, I don’t know what sort of lawyers are left once you’ve blown through the Rudy Giulianis and Lin Woods of the world, but I can’t imagine you want them representing you under such circumstances. Tee hee.
A wave of terror descended upon Washington D.C.’s thriving cocaine dealer community, following news that Kimberly Guilfoyle’s cellphone records had been subpoenaed by th’feds. Eric’s, too; and you know that boy’s phone is 1/3rd seditious conspiracy, 1/3rd kiddie porn, and 1/3rd Google searches for shit like “can you pick your nose so hard you puncture your brain?”
Sifting through the wreckage of the dying days of the Turd Reich…I get it, it’s necessary, but it’s like staring directly into the puckered butthole of madness. The very worst human beings alive, who are also somehow the dumbest (thank god), flailing around in a state of hysteria, willing to commit any crime in order to cling to power. Actively in search of such crimes, in fact. The more we learn about what these scumbags were thinking and saying to each other at the time, the more I want to just scream my throat raw.
Like, we got to see Sean Hannity’s text message exchanges with Kayleigh McEnany from the Stoopid Coo. Now, McEnany was the White House Press Secretary, part of the President’s inner circle. Oval Office access. And Hannity, for the unfamiliar, is an unimpressive white fellow who says foolish things on television. I guess what I’m getting at is WHY THE FUCK WAS SEAN GOAT-FELLATING HANNITY IN CONTACT WITH THE WHITE HOUSE DURING A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS?
I suppose the gameshowification of American politics was always destined to end in phone-a-friend insurrection. But how much better do you sleep now, knowing there’s nobody left in the executive branch bellowing GET ME HANNITY when shit goes down?
Speaking of Hairplug Himmler’s elite crisis management team, seems Rudy G…hang on, I want to get this right, it says he “oversaw (the) fake electors plot in 7 states.” Now, that feels like the sort of headline that should take up the whole top half of the paper, doesn’t it? “President’s lawyer led criminal conspiracy to steal presidency?” But it wasn’t, and somewhere, Steve Bannon nods approvingly, telling some lurking henchman, “that’s why you flood the zone with shit.”
Anyway, somebody should probably arrest Rudy by now, right? Or, it’s probably more useful to just tap his phone and let him run wild; he does have a talent for entangling people in interesting crimes.
Ok. I have to go mourn Meat Loaf now. I know, I know…believe me, I KNOW. Let me just say, there’s been a lotta Loaf on in the background over the years, during the composition of these little rants. You stay safe out there, friends.
*Ok, fine, Candace Owens and who else?
**But DON’T GIVE THEM MONEY. Share their shit, sure; save your money for Democrats. Maybe McMullin, if he looks competitive.