- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
BREAKING: Tucker Texts Reveal Hidden, Secret, Completely Unsuspected RACISM
Seismic news this week, as leaked texts suggest recently defenestrated telefascist Tucker Carlson may hold some, shall we say “problematic” views on race. To think, were it not for these texts, the poor, misled Murdoch family might ne’er have learned of the secret bigot in their midst.
They hide among us, you know. Jesse Watters knows ‘em when he sees ‘em, and if you can’t trust Jesse Watters, who can you trust?
Anyway, Fox’s feral audience remains in open revolt. I’m surprised they didn’t tear Kilmeade apart with their teeth, honestly. WANT TUCK-TUCK! WANT TUCK-TUCK OR NO WATCH WATCH! BRING TUCK-TUCK BACK RIGHT NOW! All while shitting themselves and buying NFTs, I assume.
The race to replace the host of Fox’s prime time White Power Hour has already devolved into precisely the sort of competitive hate-mongering you’d expect, as the various shrieking heads vie for the attention of cruelty addicts. It’s been pretty gross.
But oh what a treat, Tucker Carlson’s thoughts on “how white men fight.” We’ve seen how white men fight, Tucker. Thanks to you. White men fight with nail guns. With their cars. With “stun guns, pepper spray, baseball bats and flagpoles wielded as clubs.” During the pandemic, every now and then, one of ‘em would cough on somebody.
And of course, whenever possible, they “fight” with AR-15s.
Big week for the AR-15, wasn’t it? “A man using an AR-15-style weapon shot and killed five people Friday, including an 8-year-old — an angry response to the neighbors’ request that he stop shooting in his yard while their baby was trying to sleep.”
Look, the Second Amendment is unambiguous here. My right to play with my murder toy clearly outweighs your baby’s right to sleep, and your attempt to violate my rights activates my right to slaughter your entire family. Why, James Madison himself shot up the nation’s very first Wendy’s, simply because his fries were cold.
That’s why Matt Gaetz wants a national Stand Your Ground law, because the next generation of Rittenhouse wannabes must be allowed to act out their violent fantasies, free from fear of incarceration. It’s just common sense.
Letters to Trump came out, and it’s actually even more embarrassing than it appears on the surface, which is impressive, because on the surface, it’s a coffee table book dedicated to the pettiest fixations of an aging game show host.
I see the mighty alpha among alphas is still afraid of debates. He’s very impressive, though. I can see why you’d build a cult of personality around him. This one time, he passed a cognitive test.
Despite his undeniable expertise in the field of Identifying Drawings of Elephants, constitutional law remains something of a blind spot, and now he gets to pay the New York Times’ legal fees. Also, at least eight of his fake Georgia electors have accepted immunity deals. Oh, and Jack Smith has an “insider witness” down at Marm-a-Lago.
Which brings us to his nauseating deposition in the E. Jean Carroll trial. Watching Donald Trump vamp on the Access Hollywood tape is like watching a rectal cyst leak.
Getting convicted of seditious conspiracy is probably my favorite thing the Proud Boys have ever done. Also my favorite thing the Oath Keepers have ever done, coincidentally enough, though I anticipate enjoying both groups’ rotting-in-prison period nearly as much.
Saw a story titled, “DeSantis Disappoints British Business Leaders Ahead of Expected 2024 Presidential Bid,” and chuckled, because we’re gonna see a whole lotta headlines in the weeks to come that start with those two words. “DeSantis disappoints.” Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? And so versatile! Fundraising deadlines. Debates. Caucuses. Primaries. I don’t anticipate a particularly dignified concession speech.
ANYWAY. Seems Ron wrote and published a book in which he brags about persecuting Disney for protected political speech, which experts say may come back to bite him in the lawsuit where Disney alleges he, um, persecuted them for…well, for protected political speech. Perhaps his next book can be on the legal perils of spending one’s political life pandering to proto-fascist primary voters.
I feel bad for Joe Biden. He’d almost gotten away with all his dastardly crimes when, at the last possible moment, the scheme unraveled under the unforgiving gaze of the world’s greatest buddy detectives: Chuck Grassley and James Comer. Can’t wait to see this mega-credible whistleblower’s cactus art.
I bet Joe’s already impeached by the time you read this. If not hung. I mean, when has Honest Jimmy Comer ever led us astray?
So, Herschel Walker apparently fleeced a Republican megadonor out of half a million dollars, and seriously…imagine getting conned by Herschel Walker. The “I don’t want to be a vampire any more, I want to be a werewolf” guy tricked you into giving him five hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred dollars. Congratulations.
The entire con, by the way, was “wire the money here kthxbye.” And it worked. I don’t think we’ll need Newman & Redford for this one.
Look you guys, I’m sure Clarence Thomas has lots of bills Harlan Crow doesn’t pay. He keeps a Junior Saver checking account open to buy Harlan birthday presents, for example. (Yes, the balance is unspent allowance money.) Plus, he likes to save a few bills for Leonard Leo to pay.
In their party’s latest love letter to democracy, Texas Republicans’re actually trying to grant themselves the power to overturn elections in Just This One Heavily Democratic County. Sounds legit, fellas.
I was surprised to hear about the toxic workplace culture at, of all places, Steven Crowder’s corner of the wingnut rageosphere. I always pictured a rather serene office, a place of Bible study interrupted only by the periodic feeding of orphans.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt called for Clifford the Big Red Dog to be euthanized, for insufficient hatred of gay people, and for defecating in the litter box designated for the woke, furry children. Clifford’s lawyers plan to appeal to the Supreme Court, but I bet Amy Coney Barrett thinks dogs don’t have souls, so he’s probably fucked.
So I guess Elon Musk has been sending threatening emails to NPR reporters, because that’s the kind of super-cool shit you get to do when you’re a billionaire. I never thought of myself as susceptible to status envy, but when you watch a man attempt (and fail) to blackmail a public radio company into tweeting more, you can’t help but think GOD THAT SHOULD BE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Another extremely impressive genius is Vladimir Putin, wonder what he’s been up to? False flagging himself while his pet warlord threatens to abandon the field for want of ammunition? But he’s doing it all shirtless and on horseback, so it’s wicked awesome. Ted Cruz is positively moist.
Also, “Russian Soldiers Camped in Chernobyl’s Radioactive Forest. Guess What Happened Next.” It’s almost too dazzling to look upon. The glory of the Russian empire reborn, I mean.
If anybody feels like steering an unaccountable half million into my beer fridge fund, know that I have no political favors to grant in return, but that I will absolutely drink that much beer. Stay safe out there, folks.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
LOL! Want Tuck Tuck… Wonder if they’ll take a binkie and a blankie instead. True sarcastic wit as always Cap. Have a beer or three!
You are an indispensable aid to my sanity. I want to donate but how do I do it. I don’t have any of the options you feature, just a credit card waiting to buy you a six-pack. That said, please don’t pickle your uniquely clever brain with all that cerveza. I count on your vulgarity to get me through these dark times. Deepest appreciation!!
Couldn’t said it better.
Thanks, Cap! Great reading, as always! Have an awesome weekend!
Defund the NRA, fossil fuels and both large political parties.
All elected officials are required to do their goddamn jobs-every day-of moving us towards a better common good, or resign.
Fix the SCOTUS with rules of ethical behavior, remove the corrupt scum who bow to archaic religions and the smell of money.
And as long as I’m dreaming, defund Space X, or send Melonhead to Mars on the first flight there. One way.
Fyi Cap, you’re a very good wordsmith imho and none of the above will ever happen. Just ranting.
Peace to all.
I think you managed to touch on each of the high (and low) points of the week, Cap. It still feels like we’re stuck in some kind of alternate reality, but as you point out, it’s gratifying to watch some of the “find out” phase taking place. I’m in the same situation as one of the above commenters regarding beer donations, but am working my way towards getting the tools needed. Meanwhile, thanks as ever for sharing your hilarious commentary. I so look forward to Fridays!
Your column is always the palate cleanser I need at the end of a long week of Rethuglikkkans being deplorable in so many ways, all over what used to be a shining beacon of hope for a weary, war-torn world. Thanks, Cap. Stay safe out there.
I LOL’d at “rectal cyst leak.“ Thanks again Mr. Cap. I sleep well knowing the hive of scum and villainy has once again been exposed with your bear spray of brilliance.
Really on point, which we’ve all come to know, love, and expect. I’d like to see some of these folks hanged myself, but your column has to stand in to provide the imagery with humor.
Dang, Cap, I wish they weren’t giving you so much fodder for your blog, but on the other hand, I’m thoroughly enjoying the laughs. Thank you.
“Ted Cruz is positively moist”…nuff said!
Pay-For-Play
1. Of or indicating something in which one must pay money to be able to participate.
2. Of or indicating something in which one must pay money in exchange for favor or power.
Who Plays for Pay more than John Roberts? The Roberts Court held 5–4, in 2010, that the free speech clause of the First Amendment prohibits the government from restricting campaign “donations” by corporations. Corporations are people except, more powerful, and “free speech is money”, and there is no limit to the money laundering, between the “Superpacs”. Roberts himself has leveraged his power for more than $10 million dollars of bribes to himself. Well played 17th Chief Justice and Number One Chief Bribe Taker.
Not satisfied with giving corporations the status of “personhood”, the Supreme Court sided with Hobby Lobby and found that corporations can make their employees follow the religion of the corporate owners. This includes abolishing reproductive rights of women. The Dobbs Decision is continuing Religious Terrorism and the Roberts Court will require more obedience to the fascist Christian fundamentalist, misogynists.
Speaking of bribes, in 2016, A corrupt former Virginia Governor, was convicted for receiving more than $100,000 worth of bribes. Robert McDonnell’s bribery conviction was overturned by a Supreme Court whose members were also receiving millions of dollars in bribes from billionaires. One billionaire, Harlan Crow, who is a Nazi, supported the Insurrection and has given Clarence Thomas secret bribes for years. And Clarence, with his wife, was part of the Insurrection, and Clarence continues to protect the Insurrection. “Setting up a meeting, calling another public official or hosting an event does not, standing alone, qualify as an official act,” said Chief Justice John Roberts when he legalized bribery. Clarence and his wife did all these “unofficial acts” in support of the January 6, Day of Infamy. Bribery is the foundation of the John Roberts Court. Especially bribes to himself.
And I almost forgot to mention, how the Superme Court is destroying Voting rights especially the rights of African Americans.
We are so deeply, deeply exhausted and dispirited by overwhelming, never-ending evil; greed; callous ignorance; dishonor; indecency; petulant childishness; loyalty to no one and nothing (least of all oaths to the Constitution); buffoonish clowns who are national embarrassments; those who abandon and insult our allies, while praising and striving to emulate dictators; those who do not seek office to govern, represent, or serve the American people; those who seek power solely for the ability to impose their narrow-minded puritanical will on others at the expense of their most fundamental rights and freedoms like voting and bodily autonomy; those whose only modus operandi is the grift: tax fraud, bank fraud, insurance fraud, mortgage fraud, campaign finance fraud, embezzlement, money laundering, nepotism, self-dealing, bribe-solicitation, etc. ad nauseum; sociopathy; paranoia; the intentional sowing of discord, division, and violence; racism, xenophobia, misogyny, homophobia (phobia, in general, I suppose); lies, lies, lies, more lies, lying about the lies, then ordering everyone who works for you to lie to cover up your lies!!! (oh, did I mention THE LIES?!?); people who surround themselves with and only hire sycophants, yes-men, and multiple felons; those who actively subvert/delay true justice, while bending the law to help their friends and hurt their “enemies”; bullying; intentional cruelty; a sour love of only money and themselves; and deep, deep insecurity.
These socio/psychopaths are unaffected by shame, embarrassment, humiliation, or having their cover blown. They don’t care about getting caught in a lie. They’ll turn around and lie about the lie. They lie like they breathe. They don’t give a shit about appeals to logic, fairness, laws, tradition, dignity, or justice, and are totally amused by the (rightful) fury of Democrats, liberals, and progressives. They think it means their tactics are working – getting us so emotionally worked up that we fail to notice what they’re doing behind our backs. It also gets them attention and accolades from other soulless assholes with lots of money. That’s all they care about – money and power. Forget about making them feel guilty, it can’t be done.
The party that for many decades tried to paint itself as the party of law and order, morality, uprightness, patriotism, love of God and country, personal integrity, and so on has shown us (and the world) what ugly, corrupt, thoroughly dishonest and immensely dishonorable stuff they are truly made of.
The truth is as clear as day and is absolutely indisputable. And yet, brainwashed Americans — still turning to the boundless disinformation from right wing media and social media for their version of “reality” — will continue to fervently dispute the facts and remain stubbornly blind to the truth.
And we will remain a country divided. Divided by truth and lies. Divided by reality and a dangerously indoctrinated cult’s unreality.
Cap, your brilliant weekly screed makes me feel that I’m not alone in this bleakness and brings a smile and a chuckle (and occasionally a beverage-spewing guffaw). Yes, I write letters to those in power whom I think might hear me (certainly NOT my TX congressional varmints). I’m a volunteer deputy voter registrar and register everyone I can (the younglings, mostly, whose righteous spirits have not been crushed just yet). But, honestly, I don’t know what to make of the sheer level of dishonesty, greed and evil on this, our tiny humble planet, our one and only home, the only home our species will (likely) ever know. *sigh* Also, WTF?!?
I appreciate your angst and anger. But, since it is Cap’s blog maybe you shouldn’t make posts longer than what Cap has done using humor, double entendre, sarcasm, and hyperbole to mock and belittle the clownish cretins. No need to bring us back down with a vitriolic screed, which any of us could do. Just sayin’.
Yes, you’re right. I guess I needed my semi-annual vent. Apologies. Carry on.
Every word you posted was on the money.
don’t hold back, brother–tell us what you REALLY think. . .
I responded to a reply from David Hogg earlier that made me very, very sad–he doesn’t think we can fix it any more, and he’s just hoping to live his life in peace until the planet dies around us.
I told him we can still fix this, but it will take all of us.
to find a weak spot, and hit it with a rock until it breaks, if that’s all he has to use.
so your explosion of verbal(?) depression wasn’t the first I’ve seen today, but it was extensive, passionate, and accurate to a fault.
Never give up!
NEVER surrender!
if all you have is a fucking rock, find a weak spot in their assault on America and hit it with that rock until it breaks!
and if you break first, you did your best.
“Fight the good fight every moment, every minute, every day,
Fight the good fight every moment, it’s the only way. . .”
Triumph.
Never forget, you’re not alone, no matter how dark, ugly and desperate it looks.
and at the end, as with us all, the Light will welcome you.
Henry Rinehart
Thank you, Henry, for your words of encouragement.
Yep — keep fighting the good fight, never give up, get in good trouble every day. Don’t let the fuckers get you down.
I’ve always enjoyed your lengthy “screeds”, by the way 😉
Catch you next week, as we bask in the glow of the splendid, magnificent Cap.
Cheers Cap,
you have done it again.
You always make my day, but this was positively sublime…
Cap, I’d pay money to watch you drink half a million dollars worth of beer, but I don’t want to watch you die.
so I’m not going to send you half a mill, since I’m genuinely afraid that was not hyperbole. . .
great post, bro, thanks.
I’m almost afraid to see what you write next week, though, since this weekend saw eight mass shootings and two that were just short of making the grade, as well as one SUV assault on immigrants.
It’s like Texas woke up Friday morning and decided Floriduh had held the title for ‘outright stoopid’ long enough, and they were by GOD going to get it back. . .
I’m deeply saddened by this shit, and hope you can make some kind of sense of it.
Oh, and I told Megyn Kelley, on twitter, that if she and the rest of the RepubloFascists absolutely INSISTED we had no other choice but to go to a 2nd Amendment solution to their gun plague in America, we’d pass sensible gun laws after none of them were left to complain about them. . .
So I’m anticipating an interview with the FBI sometime in the next week. Sounded like fun when I wrote it, and I’m still pretty certain I was right.
Keep it together, Cap, don’t let these shitstains we currently call ‘politicians’ get you down.
I hope I’m here next week to read your take on the insanity. . .
Henry Rinehart
Oh, Cap, I weep for our nation. But when I read your posts, I weep with laughter.