Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Well, I Have a New Least Favorite Town Hall
Grossest week in a while, wasn’t it?
The judge in the Carroll case felt compelled to advise the jury to avoid publicly identifying themselves, as doing so would expose them to harassment and possible murder. Sound advice.
Yeah, MAGA’s still ugly, if anybody out there was wondering. I guess we can keep yelling at each other about whether CNN should’ve loaned the little turd their platform in the first place, but I think it provided a fucking sobering reminder of the nature of the fight we’re in.
This is how a room full of Republican primary voters behaves. It’s who they are. There’s no secret legion of rational moderates, aching to hear Asa Hutchinson’s stump speech. It’s a mob.
It. Is. A. Mob.
They like that he sexually assaults women. They like that he brags about it. We’ve known that since the Access Hollywood tape. They elected him precisely because he hurts people, and they hope to re-elect him so he can hurt people again.
You know what? If a man of such unshakable Christian principle as Dr. Tuberville wants to single-handedly undermine the nation’s military readiness, who are we to object, with our pizzagating and our furry kid litter boxes?
Tommy wants more white nationalists in our armed forces, by the way. He said that to NPR. Good thing Doug Jones isn’t your Senator anymore, Alabama. You wouldn’t have anybody working so diligently to give the next generation of domestic terrorists the sort of training only the U.S. military can provide.
Hey, speaking, as we so often must, of our loser violence epidemic, the Texas mall shooter turned out to be a standard-issue MAGA loser, complete with Nazi tattoos, radicalized online by standard-issue MAGA losers like Tim Pool. (I’m told he was unavailable for the CNN town hall audience, being dead.)
Still, credit where it’s due, Republicans continue to offer sensible, good-faith solutions to America’s wacky gun conundrum. Fox put their deepest thinkers to work on the issue, and what they came up with was “have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” As Mary Poppins so memorably taught us, in song.
Marsha Blackburn proposes unleashing an army of gun-toting grandparents upon our schools, and what could possibly go wrong? We should definitely give a bunch of Newsmax-addled retirees the opportunity to act out their bucket list Rittenhouse fantasies, ideally in the vicinity of as many children as possible.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert is co-sponsoring federal legislation to make the AR-15 America’s “national gun.” Because it’s killed so many kids, you see. You wouldn’t want some sissy-ass gun that can’t even slaughter a classroom full of schoolchildren in seconds as your NATIONAL GUN, wouldja, ya groomer?
Anyway, we shouldn’t move on without pausing to honor the real victim of the Texas mall massacre: Representative Keith Self, whose religious liberty was riddled with a hail of rhetorical gunfire as vicious as any incel’s murder spree. Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time, Keith.
These teasers for the impending Fox/Tucker shithouse knife fight are really working for me. I will order that pay-per-view. Go for it, creeps. Rip one another to shreds for a change, leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
Tucker’s teaming up with Elon now, presumably seeking to pool resources in order to capture Captain America, and strap him to some sort of experimental explosive device.
Speaking of, Ukraine shot down Pooty’s “most sophisticated missile,” but at least he was able to scrounge up a whole tank for his big “Victory Day” parade. That picture’s going in those history books you were aimin’ at, kiddo. Maybe even the cover. Lookit My Last Tank: The Humiliating Fall of Vlad…Vlad Something, Who Gives a Shit.
Ron DeSantis continues shrinking before the very eyes of anyone who still bothers to look at him. He seems to think he’s performing extremely impressively in that weird, embarrassing fight he picked with Disney. “They have not made a peep,” Ron boasted, which is nowhere close to true. They are literally suing you, my dude. They threw a Pride Night, legally gutted your lunatic “board,” and sued you.
Not a “peep,” though. Okay. Sure. You’re winning so hard, you should mint yourself a challenge coin, dawg.
A group of House Republicans are actually pushing a bill that would abolish the no-fly zones over Disneyland and Disney World. The GOP is gonna make Disney hate gay people, or knock themselves senseless trying. Forcing The Walt Disney Company to forsake LGBTQ rights and representation is about 35% of the Republican platform right now.
Which is odd, I think.
Anyway, Ron’s gonna traffic some more migrants. Next chance he gets, he’s gonna do that human trafficking thing he does, because he thinks it plays well with the Republican base. And he’s right, it does, it’s just that it’s not enough to keep up with the guy who’s inciting riots and sexually assaulting women.
I’m reaching out to the Federal Bureau of Prisons about a behind-bars production of The Producers starring Santos. Maybe Jacob Wohl in the Wilder/Broderick role. If we can get him. I’ll be in touch about financing at an appropriate time.
Of course, McCarthy needs Georgie’s vote to take the global economy hostage, so he gets to just…stay a Congressman, I guess. Thank heaven he’s being allowed to weigh in on such matters. George Santos personally launching humanity’s next Dark Age kinda tracks, though. Feels sufficiently biblical.
I like that James Comer is such a clown, even Fox shits on him. How’s it feel t’be that guy, Jim? The network that based the entire Big Lie on the ravings of an obviously deranged cactus artist finds you less than credible. Oof.
The National Review lamented the decline in teen sex, because that’s how fucking far over the rainbow we are, people.
Texas state Representative Bryan Slaton did what he could to address that imbalance, (allegedly) engaging in a sexual relationship with a teen intern. Bryan has resigned, but we’ll always have his anti-grooming legislation to remember him by.
I guess Eric Trump’s feelin’ litigious, cuz the Lügenpresse won’t let him hang out with his Hitler-promoting antisemite pals in peace.
Sometimes, I see headlines like “Milo Yiannopoulos Caught in Marjorie Taylor Greene-Kanye West Campaign Cash Scandal” and I worry that conservative politics’re becoming so normal n’ dignified that I won’t have anything to blog about.
Didja catch that great NBC story on the wingnut school board takeover in Woodland Park, CO? If you want a peek at what they’re hoping to replace all those Rosa Parks books with, check out the “American Birthright” social studies standard. Freaky shit.
Trump tactics at the school board level. Watching MAGA’s cultural ambitions congeal is pretty fucking gross, isn’t it? They want such a gross world.
Fuck ‘em. We’ve beaten ‘em before, again and again, and I guess we’ll have to keep on beating them while we wait for the long-term effects of ivermectin poisoning to kick in. Joe Biden, history has shown, understands how to beat ‘em. Like a dang drum.
We can do this all day, you assholes. Megyn Kelly convinced exactly zero of us to quit. Sorry, Megyn Kelly. Sorry, assholes.
I’m gonna turn this over to Mary Poppins for the sign-off:
Never go to school or church unless you’re packing heat!
And always –
Children (in adorable unison): Always?
Yes, ALWAYS have a plan
Everyone you meet!
Stay safe out there, friends. It’s gettin’ weird again. It’s enough to drive a fellow to drink.