Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The One Where Tucker Carlson Gets Fired
I have a favorite push notification now. I think it’s the nicest thing my phone has ever done for me, actually. “What’s that you say, phone? Tucker Carlson got fired? Goodness me, what a wonderful thing to’ve happened, and what a wonderful thing to know!” and I skipped all the way home. Random April Monday. Delightful.
And yeah, they’ll replace him with someone worse, possibly some lab-grown fusion of Gutfeld and Watters DNA, marinated overnight in Pirro’s boxed wine dregs, and yeah, he’s gonna keep on driving people violently insane, and making a ton of fucking money doing it. Such is the state of our fallen world. But gone forever is that sweet, sweet 8 p.m. time slot on Fox, bar none the choicest real estate available anywhere in the multi-billion-dollar rube indoctrination economy.
For now, I will drink to any night without Tucker Carlson on television. I don’t know if there’s any less hate in the world tonight, but at least it’s not being distributed quite so efficiently.
Fuck, I’ll drink to the contents of that oppo file the Murdochs apparently have on him. Imagine the outtakes from Tucker’s Icarus phase, prancing around in front of his beloved Pelosi mural, imagining himself an untouchable white nationalist messiah…here’s to all the push notifications to come.
Also, Fox’s ratings took a massive hit in the absence of their star softboi, perhaps the beginning of the very audience exodus they feared in the Dominion lawsuit texts that brought Tucker down. Basically, a massive lose/lose situation for the very worst people alive. I confess I’m enjoying it. I wonder who gets custody of the January 6th footage?
I feel like I should buy a voting machine, to express gratitude, but I don’t have room in my place. Plus you get bamboo fibers all over everything.
Everybody liked the idea of Ron DeSantis, but the minute you give him even a cursory closer look, you can’t help but go, “oh, heavens no, this man absolutely sucks.” And it’s funny watching it happen, y’know?
Like, the way Ron DeSantis behaves is objectively embarrassing. More so when we remember every single batshit thing he does is part of a meticulously crafted plan to present himself to the public as a potential President.
“I’M GONNA BUILD A PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY WORLD BECAUSE THEY DON’T HATE GAY PEOPLE ENOUGH!” Well, I don’t think it’ll fit on a red ballcap, Ron. Enjoy getting sued, though.
It’s especially funny because it’s working so badly. Ron is on his I Am A Very Fancy Man Indeed tour, and the second he hit Washington, a bunch of House Republicans from his home state endorsed the Dotard. Oof. Ron DeSantis is diet, caffeine free Ted Cruz.
Finding an alternative to the grunting weirdo who’s autographing insurrection artifacts for convicted Capitol rioters on the campaign trail shouldn’t be too terrifically difficult, but the talent pool in the GOP has scummed over. I was hoping to go on laughing at Mike Pompeo for a few more months, but I suppose I shall have to make do with laughing at Chris Christie.
I’ve got Hutch fever, though. I’m on the Asa train. No, the Asa EXPRESS. Asa Hutchinson is running a completely real and serious presidential campaign that’s going to win primaries and amass delegates and everything, because there’s a “normal lane” in Republican politics right now. We’re only talking about real things in this paragraph. Hutchamania runneth wild.
I assume everyone’s having a nice time watching Kevin McCarthy fumble with the debt ceiling like an incel with the bra clasp on a new waifu pillow. Will America stupid the global economy to death? Tune in this summer, I guess.
An emerging genre I’m enjoying is the Well, You Wanted the Attention, Sparky profile of Kevin’s bumbling chief investigator, Jim Jordan. “Over eight terms in the House, Mr. Jordan, who served for a decade in Ohio’s Statehouse before winning election to Congress, has not been the lead sponsor of a single bill that became law.” At a certain point, I think we have to start looking at the Right’s propensity for rewarding failure in evolutionary terms. People still take ivermectin, you know.
The Jewish space laser lady says adoptive parents aren’t real. (Fact check: they are!) I hadn’t heard that one before, is that a thing, or is this just her reflexive shittiness? Elevating Marj was definitely one of Kevin’s leaderier bits of leadership.
Paul Gosar promoted a Holocaust-denying website, but only because they praised his anti-Semitism, you see.
Lauren Boebert called on “patriots” to start more fights on airplanes. Great advice. Pitch a mighty fit, then shit yourself in the seat they duct-tape you to while you await arrest. That’ll show ‘em.
They’re calling in bomb threats to Budweiser factories now. Cult45 really hates trans people, folks. Wingnut boycotts never work, but the little fuckers actually moved the needle with this one, because they really, really, really hate trans people.
The Republican Party isn’t doing a hell of a lot right now, beyond passing as much anti-trans legislation as they can. You never hear about any “Republican supermajority solves long-standing problem, improves constituents’ lives” stories, just ever more elaborate restrictions on transgender care and drag shows and women’s bodies. Yeah, I wonder where that red wave went.
Montana Republicans ritually cast Zooey Zephyr, the state’s first transgender lawmaker, from the statehouse floor, because conservatives’re sick n’ dang tired of this newfangled tolerating-the-physical-presence-of-minorities thing.
(Everybody’s paying attention to Montana, right? I say this because Jon Tester is a damn fine Senator, and Montana’s getting pretty freaky these days. Bookmark that sexxxy ActBlue page, is all I’m sayin’.)
Fun to hear actual audio of Ted Cruz plotting to subvert American democracy, innit? “Constitutionally, it’s nonsense, of course, but you see, the fellow who likes to laugh about how ugly my wife is has decided he’d rather stay President, and I live only to serve him.” Ted Cruz’s ultimate legacy will be as Trumpism’s ur-cuck and that, my friends, is fucking just.
On the extremely specific topic of audio recordings of fascist plotting, turns out law enforcement officials in McCurtain County, Oklahoma enjoy chatting about murdering journalists and lynching Black people.
Everybody who’s upset about the theocrat SCOTUS majority’s snowballing ethics scandal is really gonna get mad when they find out about the puppy mill Amy Coney Barrett runs out of her garage. (Harlan Crow pays for it, on the condition that he gets dibs on any puppies that happen to resemble Hitler.)
Peter Thiel says he’s not gonna piss any more of his constitutionally-protected Free Speech Buxx away on the GOP’s rotating cast of drooling fuckwits for a while, which strikes me as a fiscally sound decision.
Stop the Steal creep Ali Alexander turns out to be what some might call a groomer. Gosh, and he seemed so wholesome. Nick Fuentes and Marjorie Taylor Greene are at war over this extremely normal controversy, and I think we need to get some HIMARS to this front, pronto.
In the interest of both fairness and balance, I am compelled to inform you HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra violated the Hatch Act, conclusively proving the mathematically equivalent criminality in America’s two major political parties.
Elon’s Musk’s ongoing meltdown is gonna earn some irritatingly committed method actor an Oscar someday. You can see it, right? Pacing in an empty office, desperately flinging fistfuls of blue checkmarks at celebrities, emitting howls of primal self-loathing as they’re rejected on a wave of mockery. It’s gonna be Jared Leto, isn’t it? God, what an irritating movie that’s going to be.
The movie about Mike Lindell going broke losing $5 million prove-me-wrong challenges is going to rule, however.
Quick shoutout to the Donald J Chump guy for the chuckle. Sometimes the direct route is best. Also to the guy who sincerely believes the furry-kids-shitting-in-litter-boxes thing is real, for being such a dumb fuck.
And I see Putin’s bombing his own cities now. Sounds about right.
Okay, I think we’re more or less caught up, and I for one plan to drink until I forget every word of this shit. Stay safe out there, folks!
“like an incel with the bra clasp on a new waifu pillow”.
I rarely drink (meds interactions), but I’m tempted to join you tonight, Cap! Whew. What a week.
Like the red neck looking guy on you tube said on his latest bit of satire they fired Tucker, now how am I going to know who to hate.. 🤣
Glad to see you back, Cap. You were missed. Was it really news without a comment from Shower Cap?
The image of a MAGAt duct taped to an airplane seat was almost too much, but in a good way, Cap. 🍺
Not just stepchildren. The latest insanity from these jerks is that you are not a real mother if you have a c section. Cognition is definitely not their strong suit.
The idea that MTG’s three kids share her own DNA should comfort NO ONE, I woulda said.
Just call him Puddin Fingers desantis. He’s autistic or I’ll eat my pudding with a spoon.He’s a disservice to autistic people who speak with unusual candor.
Spork-brain certainly is CRUSHING that “Queen of the Quidiots” thing she has going, huh?
Welcome back, Cap! You were sorely missed, but you so deserved a break from the unrelenting madness. Loved your blog tonight, you light up my whole week, and make it all more bearable. Beer also makes it more bearable, so I’ll have some of that, too.
So wow thanks for the link to Bobo’s lunatic speech…enjoyed the Twitter commentary as I do not tweet or Twitter…but encouraging to read…peeps do NOT like her trashy insane self.
You knocked it outta the park tonight. Just laughed out loud over the I Am A Very Fancy Man Indeed tour and the GOP talent pool having scammed over. I was so disappointed last week when I went looking for your blog. I had forgotten you were o/w engaged. Anyway, really good read as usual. I will be chuckling for days about the talent pool.
Every Shower Cap Blog is a thing of beauty and a joy forever! ♥️
This was an awesome one, Cap! As for that piece of crap who perceives herself as the Goddess of Southern Womanhood, I have a news flash for her- “Adoptive parents ARE real” They’re real people, real parents, and she’s got way too much effin’ nerve insulting MY parents that way. They are both gone now and I miss them every day. Oh and I’m sure she doesn’t know this, either – the child they biologically conceived was my REAL brother! (He is gone now too, and it’s hard). I won the adoption lottery, and my family was a lot more real than her opinion of herself.
I am of the opinion that there is only one brain cell available between Bobblehead and Empty Greene, and since they share it, one of them is completely w/o a working brain at any given time.
Brilliant piece as always, and a huge thank you to you for wading through the bullshit so I don’t have to. On my way now to pick up a couple six-packs of Bud Light I don’t like it, but if my purchase pisses off a right-winger, I’ll consider my work done. I’ll enjoy all 12 of them and hoist them in your honor. 😀 Stay safe and thank you for your fantastic work.
You’re on excellent form tonight!
Thank you, to quote Frank Zappa “you are what you is and that’s all this is” ANB