I have a favorite push notification now. I think it’s the nicest thing my phone has ever done for me, actually. “What’s that you say, phone? Tucker Carlson got fired? Goodness me, what a wonderful thing to’ve happened, and what a wonderful thing to know!” and I skipped all the way home. Random April Monday. Delightful.

And yeah, they’ll replace him with someone worse, possibly some lab-grown fusion of Gutfeld and Watters DNA, marinated overnight in Pirro’s boxed wine dregs, and yeah, he’s gonna keep on driving people violently insane, and making a ton of fucking money doing it. Such is the state of our fallen world. But gone forever is that sweet, sweet 8 p.m. time slot on Fox, bar none the choicest real estate available anywhere in the multi-billion-dollar rube indoctrination economy.

For now, I will drink to any night without Tucker Carlson on television. I don’t know if there’s any less hate in the world tonight, but at least it’s not being distributed quite so efficiently.

Fuck, I’ll drink to the contents of that oppo file the Murdochs apparently have on him. Imagine the outtakes from Tucker’s Icarus phase, prancing around in front of his beloved Pelosi mural, imagining himself an untouchable white nationalist messiah…here’s to all the push notifications to come.

Also, Fox’s ratings took a massive hit in the absence of their star softboi, perhaps the beginning of the very audience exodus they feared in the Dominion lawsuit texts that brought Tucker down. Basically, a massive lose/lose situation for the very worst people alive. I confess I’m enjoying it. I wonder who gets custody of the January 6th footage?

I feel like I should buy a voting machine, to express gratitude, but I don’t have room in my place. Plus you get bamboo fibers all over everything.

Everybody liked the idea of Ron DeSantis, but the minute you give him even a cursory closer look, you can’t help but go, “oh, heavens no, this man absolutely sucks.” And it’s funny watching it happen, y’know?

Like, the way Ron DeSantis behaves is objectively embarrassing. More so when we remember every single batshit thing he does is part of a meticulously crafted plan to present himself to the public as a potential President.   

“I’M GONNA BUILD A PRISON NEXT TO DISNEY WORLD BECAUSE THEY DON’T HATE GAY PEOPLE ENOUGH!” Well, I don’t think it’ll fit on a red ballcap, Ron. Enjoy getting sued, though.

It’s especially funny because it’s working so badly. Ron is on his I Am A Very Fancy Man Indeed tour, and the second he hit Washington, a bunch of House Republicans from his home state endorsed the Dotard. Oof.  Ron DeSantis is diet, caffeine free Ted Cruz.

Finding an alternative to the grunting weirdo who’s autographing insurrection artifacts for convicted Capitol rioters on the campaign trail shouldn’t be too terrifically difficult, but the talent pool in the GOP has scummed over. I was hoping to go on laughing at Mike Pompeo for a few more months, but I suppose I shall have to make do with laughing at Chris Christie.

I’ve got Hutch fever, though. I’m on the Asa train. No, the Asa EXPRESS. Asa Hutchinson is running a completely real and serious presidential campaign that’s going to win primaries and amass delegates and everything, because there’s a “normal lane” in Republican politics right now. We’re only talking about real things in this paragraph. Hutchamania runneth wild.

I assume everyone’s having a nice time watching Kevin McCarthy fumble with the debt ceiling like an incel with the bra clasp on a new waifu pillow. Will America stupid the global economy to death? Tune in this summer, I guess.

An emerging genre I’m enjoying is the Well, You Wanted the Attention, Sparky profile of Kevin’s bumbling chief investigator, Jim Jordan. “Over eight terms in the House, Mr. Jordan, who served for a decade in Ohio’s Statehouse before winning election to Congress, has not been the lead sponsor of a single bill that became law.” At a certain point, I think we have to start looking at the Right’s propensity for rewarding failure in evolutionary terms. People still take ivermectin, you know.

The Jewish space laser lady says adoptive parents aren’t real. (Fact check: they are!) I hadn’t heard that one before, is that a thing, or is this just her reflexive shittiness? Elevating Marj was definitely one of Kevin’s leaderier bits of leadership.

Paul Gosar promoted a Holocaust-denying website, but only because they praised his anti-Semitism, you see.

Lauren Boebert called on “patriots” to start more fights on airplanes. Great advice. Pitch a mighty fit, then shit yourself in the seat they duct-tape you to while you await arrest. That’ll show ‘em.

They’re calling in bomb threats to Budweiser factories now. Cult45 really hates trans people, folks. Wingnut boycotts never work, but the little fuckers actually moved the needle with this one, because they really, really, really hate trans people.

The Republican Party isn’t doing a hell of a lot right now, beyond passing as much anti-trans legislation as they can. You never hear about any “Republican supermajority solves long-standing problem, improves constituents’ lives” stories, just ever more elaborate restrictions on transgender care and drag shows and women’s bodies. Yeah, I wonder where that red wave went.

Montana Republicans ritually cast Zooey Zephyr, the state’s first transgender lawmaker, from the statehouse floor, because conservatives’re sick n’ dang tired of this newfangled tolerating-the-physical-presence-of-minorities thing.

(Everybody’s paying attention to Montana, right? I say this because Jon Tester is a damn fine Senator, and Montana’s getting pretty freaky these days. Bookmark that sexxxy ActBlue page, is all I’m sayin’.)

Fun to hear actual audio of Ted Cruz plotting to subvert American democracy, innit? “Constitutionally, it’s nonsense, of course, but you see, the fellow who likes to laugh about how ugly my wife is has decided he’d rather stay President, and I live only to serve him.” Ted Cruz’s ultimate legacy will be as Trumpism’s ur-cuck and that, my friends, is fucking just.

On the extremely specific topic of audio recordings of fascist plotting, turns out law enforcement officials in McCurtain County, Oklahoma enjoy chatting about murdering journalists and lynching Black people.

Everybody who’s upset about the theocrat SCOTUS majority’s snowballing ethics scandal is really gonna get mad when they find out about the puppy mill Amy Coney Barrett runs out of her garage. (Harlan Crow pays for it, on the condition that he gets dibs on any puppies that happen to resemble Hitler.)

Peter Thiel says he’s not gonna piss any more of his constitutionally-protected Free Speech Buxx away on the GOP’s rotating cast of drooling fuckwits for a while, which strikes me as a fiscally sound decision.

Stop the Steal creep Ali Alexander turns out to be what some might call a groomer. Gosh, and he seemed so wholesome. Nick Fuentes and Marjorie Taylor Greene are at war over this extremely normal controversy, and I think we need to get some HIMARS to this front, pronto.

In the interest of both fairness and balance, I am compelled to inform you HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra violated the Hatch Act, conclusively proving the mathematically equivalent criminality in America’s two major political parties.

Elon’s Musk’s ongoing meltdown is gonna earn some irritatingly committed method actor an Oscar someday. You can see it, right? Pacing in an empty office, desperately flinging fistfuls of blue checkmarks at celebrities, emitting howls of primal self-loathing as they’re rejected on a wave of mockery. It’s gonna be Jared Leto, isn’t it? God, what an irritating movie that’s going to be.

The movie about Mike Lindell going broke losing $5 million prove-me-wrong challenges is going to rule, however.

Quick shoutout to the Donald J Chump guy for the chuckle. Sometimes the direct route is best. Also to the guy who sincerely believes the furry-kids-shitting-in-litter-boxes thing is real, for being such a dumb fuck.

And I see Putin’s bombing his own cities now. Sounds about right.

Okay, I think we’re more or less caught up, and I for one plan to drink until I forget every word of this shit. Stay safe out there, folks!