Every night-before-blog-night, I secretly hope this is finally the day I wake up next to Bob Newhart, eager to share all the insane details of the crazy dream I just had, but no such luck this week. Oh well, guess I better prepare for Operation Jade Helm III: the Biden-backed Chinese invasion of America…what do you even wear to something like that?

Well, a handful of horn-blasting asshats somehow failed to overthrow the Canadian government, to the great dismay of the Fux Nooz audience, for whom this astroturfed shitshow has been essentially the only news story in the entire world for days. Seems the stratagem of antagonizing locals and spamming emergency lines failed to win converts. Odd.

Still, domestic wingnuts, with their trademark eagerness to repeat history’s mistakes, are demanding daddy buy them convoys of their very own, swastika flags and all. Word is, one of these clown brigades may actually have plans to disrupt the Super Bowl. Now, personally, I’d worry that fucking up pandemic-weary Americans’ beloved football parties might make them, y’know, tear me apart with their teeth and spit what’s left into the nacho dip, but y’all should do what you think’s best.

Naturally, there’s a shit-ton of pro-convoy disinformation lurching through the radicalized dipshit media bubble, and I get that, dishonesty is completely necessary here; imagine how difficult it must be to make heroes of the dregs of the Canadian alt-right. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, at the Borat-level hogwash these crybabies fall for; anything to indulge their precious persecution fantasies.

For example, Chip Roy, former Chief of Staff to Cancún Cruz, and current, sitting U.S. Representative, demanded the United States government deport Justin Trudeau, who was allegedly cowering in exile in Joe Biden’s basement, according to the completely random internet dingbat Congressman Roy unquestioningly accepted as an authority on the subject of world leader abdications.

And I don’t wanna seem divisive or anything, but elected officials making decisions based on flagrant disinformation, because they’re too fucking stupid to identify it as such, seems like maybe not the greatest way to run a railroad.

So it’s probably best the gaggle of buttholes who just took over Virginia purged their shiny, new administration of deputy attorney general Monique Miles, a Capitol Riot cheerleader with a soft spot for antifa-bashing conspiracy theories. Yikes.

Youngkin’s team is clearly filled with these creeps; one of whom apparently got into politics primarily to procure a platform from which to bully teenagers. That’s the sort of person who’s seeking the power of elected office under the banner of Donald Trump’s Republican Party, by the way. Kinda makes you want to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, doesn’t it?

So, almost as a side effect of the more egregious misdeeds of their four-year crime spree, it seems the Turd Reich engaged in gargantuan and habitual violations of federal record-keeping laws, as though Hillary’s private server eloped with the Nixon Tapes and had a dumpster baby.

Apparently, the Dotard Despot not only tore up documents, not only ATE documents, but CLOGGED WHITE HOUSE PLUMBING flushing documents down the toilet, like some Muppet Babies mafia boss. The doddering old prick illegally snuck (at least) fifteen boxes of records out of the White House, including information clearly marked as classified, alongside the Monroe silver and, bless his idiot heart, that map where he changed the path of a hurricane with a sharpie rather than admit he was wrong. Cool golden calf y’all picked. Your moms must be proud.

Given the American Right’s well-documented passion for executive branch information security, what happened next shouldn’t have surprised us: wall-to-wall news coverage swiftly caused a Trey Gowdy-led mob of Tea Party faithful, drawn from every state in the union, to march upon Mar-A-Lago, and burn it to the ground in righteous fury.

OH CAP, YOU RASCAL, no such ethical consistency was demonstrated, by either the conservative movement or the click-crazed news media! It’s almost as if there’s some sort of double standard at work here. I’m starting to suspect life may not be fair.

Tasked with spinning this latest trash fire, Mark Meadows found himself an inadequate man facing an impossible job, but with a gaslighting partner as amenable as Newsmax, who needs plausibility? Build a set that looks enough like a newsroom, you can shovel shit down the rubes’ throats all day long, and they’ll beg you for more.

Anyway, in the zaniest of all possible coincidences, there’re some gaps in Littlefinger’s phone records from January 6th, because fucking of course he used unsecured private lines to conduct the minute-to-minute business of the Assclown Autogolpe. Kind of him to gift his buddy Vlad so much extra kompromat, don’t you think?

And speaking of Stupid Coo Day, apparently, when he wasn’t busy recruiting a game Tommy Tuberville to the plot to assassinate American democracy, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was glued to the magic television box, rewinding scenes from the riot over and over again, confused that staffers did not seem to share his delight in all the terrorism he’d incited. Yeah, that stuff’s tricky for sociopaths.

Somehow, through all the treason and failure, Government Cheese Goebbels’ bumpkin bromance with mass-murdering tyrant Kim Jong-un has endured. You scoff, but a challenge coin means FOREVER, you heartless snobs.

Well, looka here, a handful of the Senate’s dustiest Republican doormats actually found the RNC’s chilling efforts to cast terrorist violence as “legitimate political discourse” sufficiently uncouth as to warrant a momentary passing harrumph of disapproval, HOW BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKING BRAVE.

Meanwhile, Adam Kinzinger, from his location in the frontline trenches of the doomed battle for the GOP’s soul*, warns of the very real danger that the maniacs who’ve commandeered his party could plunge the nation into civil war.

And…golly. That feels like a big ol’ gauntlet to throw, but you can’t dismiss the man as alarmist, considering what the Right is toying with accepting as, one more time, “legitimate political discourse.” Future generations of Republicans are going to make it illegal to teach schoolchildren just how pro-violence the 2022 version of their party was.

Look at Jim Lamon, a Republican would-be Senator, who released a campaign video depicting himself heroically gunning down Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, and Mark Kelly. Yes, the Mark Kelly whose wife survived an assassination attempt. The shittiness, like the cruelty, is the point.

Calling out this incitement to violence for what it was got yer beloved Cappie’s Twitter account permanently suspended, in case you’re wondering where I went. Lamon’s video remains proudly pinned to the top of his entirely unsanctioned profile.

Yeah, I’m sure Mitt Romney’s milquetoast finger-wagging’ll turn this tide. Pay no attention to Congresswoman Nancy Mace, as she shreds every remaining scrap of dignity, groveling for Tangerine Idi Amin’s withdrawn support; plenty of healthy democracies feature blind allegiance to racist game show hosts, you just don’t hear about ‘em in school on account of all the critical race theory.

The rampaging wingnut SCOTUS majority continued their assault on voting rights, once again abusing the shadow docket process to avoid public scrutiny, as Mitch McConnell’s cynical bargain with ascendant American fascism continues to pay dividends. Sure, there’s all this sectarian violence now, but hey, Yertle got his judges.

You’ll no doubt be stunned to learn Sarah Palin is making an ass of herself at that sad little trial where she’s trying to squeeze rent money out of the New York Times. She likened her sorry scam to a David-and-Goliath struggle, apparently believing the sling is somehow a metaphor for frivolous litigation? Biblical literacy was never evangelicals’ strongest suit.

Speaking of low-IQ grifters, Marjorie Taylor Greene popped by just long enough to bemoan Nancy Pelosi’s “gazpacho” tactics, and the downside to my once-weekly posting schedule is every possible soup gag has been flogged to atoms by now. Therefore, I am regretfully unable to deliver a punchline in this paragraph; you may return any unused portion for a full refund.

Anyway, looks like we’ve got a fun weekend ahead of us, waiting to see just how far Putin’s willing to go to prove to NATO that his dick still works. Another great big “fuck you” to whoever granted us such interesting times in which to live.

Okay, folks. I gotta figure out what to do about this Twitter thing, and I’ve got a couple different IPAs in the fridge that aren’t gonna drink themselves, so I’ll sign off here, before any wars start. Stay safe out there, my friends.

*Imagine the raw, Nazi sewage Kinzinger must get in his inbox, every single day. Just imagine.