Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
But, At Long Last, After Much Consideration, and With All Due Respect…Her Emails
Every night-before-blog-night, I secretly hope this is finally the day I wake up next to Bob Newhart, eager to share all the insane details of the crazy dream I just had, but no such luck this week. Oh well, guess I better prepare for Operation Jade Helm III: the Biden-backed Chinese invasion of America…what do you even wear to something like that?
Well, a handful of horn-blasting asshats somehow failed to overthrow the Canadian government, to the great dismay of the Fux Nooz audience, for whom this astroturfed shitshow has been essentially the only news story in the entire world for days. Seems the stratagem of antagonizing locals and spamming emergency lines failed to win converts. Odd.
Still, domestic wingnuts, with their trademark eagerness to repeat history’s mistakes, are demanding daddy buy them convoys of their very own, swastika flags and all. Word is, one of these clown brigades may actually have plans to disrupt the Super Bowl. Now, personally, I’d worry that fucking up pandemic-weary Americans’ beloved football parties might make them, y’know, tear me apart with their teeth and spit what’s left into the nacho dip, but y’all should do what you think’s best.
Naturally, there’s a shit-ton of pro-convoy disinformation lurching through the radicalized dipshit media bubble, and I get that, dishonesty is completely necessary here; imagine how difficult it must be to make heroes of the dregs of the Canadian alt-right. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, at the Borat-level hogwash these crybabies fall for; anything to indulge their precious persecution fantasies.
For example, Chip Roy, former Chief of Staff to Cancún Cruz, and current, sitting U.S. Representative, demanded the United States government deport Justin Trudeau, who was allegedly cowering in exile in Joe Biden’s basement, according to the completely random internet dingbat Congressman Roy unquestioningly accepted as an authority on the subject of world leader abdications.
And I don’t wanna seem divisive or anything, but elected officials making decisions based on flagrant disinformation, because they’re too fucking stupid to identify it as such, seems like maybe not the greatest way to run a railroad.
So it’s probably best the gaggle of buttholes who just took over Virginia purged their shiny, new administration of deputy attorney general Monique Miles, a Capitol Riot cheerleader with a soft spot for antifa-bashing conspiracy theories. Yikes.
Youngkin’s team is clearly filled with these creeps; one of whom apparently got into politics primarily to procure a platform from which to bully teenagers. That’s the sort of person who’s seeking the power of elected office under the banner of Donald Trump’s Republican Party, by the way. Kinda makes you want to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, doesn’t it?
So, almost as a side effect of the more egregious misdeeds of their four-year crime spree, it seems the Turd Reich engaged in gargantuan and habitual violations of federal record-keeping laws, as though Hillary’s private server eloped with the Nixon Tapes and had a dumpster baby.
Apparently, the Dotard Despot not only tore up documents, not only ATE documents, but CLOGGED WHITE HOUSE PLUMBING flushing documents down the toilet, like some Muppet Babies mafia boss. The doddering old prick illegally snuck (at least) fifteen boxes of records out of the White House, including information clearly marked as classified, alongside the Monroe silver and, bless his idiot heart, that map where he changed the path of a hurricane with a sharpie rather than admit he was wrong. Cool golden calf y’all picked. Your moms must be proud.
Given the American Right’s well-documented passion for executive branch information security, what happened next shouldn’t have surprised us: wall-to-wall news coverage swiftly caused a Trey Gowdy-led mob of Tea Party faithful, drawn from every state in the union, to march upon Mar-A-Lago, and burn it to the ground in righteous fury.
OH CAP, YOU RASCAL, no such ethical consistency was demonstrated, by either the conservative movement or the click-crazed news media! It’s almost as if there’s some sort of double standard at work here. I’m starting to suspect life may not be fair.
Tasked with spinning this latest trash fire, Mark Meadows found himself an inadequate man facing an impossible job, but with a gaslighting partner as amenable as Newsmax, who needs plausibility? Build a set that looks enough like a newsroom, you can shovel shit down the rubes’ throats all day long, and they’ll beg you for more.
Anyway, in the zaniest of all possible coincidences, there’re some gaps in Littlefinger’s phone records from January 6th, because fucking of course he used unsecured private lines to conduct the minute-to-minute business of the Assclown Autogolpe. Kind of him to gift his buddy Vlad so much extra kompromat, don’t you think?
And speaking of Stupid Coo Day, apparently, when he wasn’t busy recruiting a game Tommy Tuberville to the plot to assassinate American democracy, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was glued to the magic television box, rewinding scenes from the riot over and over again, confused that staffers did not seem to share his delight in all the terrorism he’d incited. Yeah, that stuff’s tricky for sociopaths.
Somehow, through all the treason and failure, Government Cheese Goebbels’ bumpkin bromance with mass-murdering tyrant Kim Jong-un has endured. You scoff, but a challenge coin means FOREVER, you heartless snobs.
Well, looka here, a handful of the Senate’s dustiest Republican doormats actually found the RNC’s chilling efforts to cast terrorist violence as “legitimate political discourse” sufficiently uncouth as to warrant a momentary passing harrumph of disapproval, HOW BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKING BRAVE.
Meanwhile, Adam Kinzinger, from his location in the frontline trenches of the doomed battle for the GOP’s soul*, warns of the very real danger that the maniacs who’ve commandeered his party could plunge the nation into civil war.
And…golly. That feels like a big ol’ gauntlet to throw, but you can’t dismiss the man as alarmist, considering what the Right is toying with accepting as, one more time, “legitimate political discourse.” Future generations of Republicans are going to make it illegal to teach schoolchildren just how pro-violence the 2022 version of their party was.
Look at Jim Lamon, a Republican would-be Senator, who released a campaign video depicting himself heroically gunning down Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, and Mark Kelly. Yes, the Mark Kelly whose wife survived an assassination attempt. The shittiness, like the cruelty, is the point.
Calling out this incitement to violence for what it was got yer beloved Cappie’s Twitter account permanently suspended, in case you’re wondering where I went. Lamon’s video remains proudly pinned to the top of his entirely unsanctioned profile.
Yeah, I’m sure Mitt Romney’s milquetoast finger-wagging’ll turn this tide. Pay no attention to Congresswoman Nancy Mace, as she shreds every remaining scrap of dignity, groveling for Tangerine Idi Amin’s withdrawn support; plenty of healthy democracies feature blind allegiance to racist game show hosts, you just don’t hear about ‘em in school on account of all the critical race theory.
The rampaging wingnut SCOTUS majority continued their assault on voting rights, once again abusing the shadow docket process to avoid public scrutiny, as Mitch McConnell’s cynical bargain with ascendant American fascism continues to pay dividends. Sure, there’s all this sectarian violence now, but hey, Yertle got his judges.
You’ll no doubt be stunned to learn Sarah Palin is making an ass of herself at that sad little trial where she’s trying to squeeze rent money out of the New York Times. She likened her sorry scam to a David-and-Goliath struggle, apparently believing the sling is somehow a metaphor for frivolous litigation? Biblical literacy was never evangelicals’ strongest suit.
Speaking of low-IQ grifters, Marjorie Taylor Greene popped by just long enough to bemoan Nancy Pelosi’s “gazpacho” tactics, and the downside to my once-weekly posting schedule is every possible soup gag has been flogged to atoms by now. Therefore, I am regretfully unable to deliver a punchline in this paragraph; you may return any unused portion for a full refund.
Anyway, looks like we’ve got a fun weekend ahead of us, waiting to see just how far Putin’s willing to go to prove to NATO that his dick still works. Another great big “fuck you” to whoever granted us such interesting times in which to live.
Okay, folks. I gotta figure out what to do about this Twitter thing, and I’ve got a couple different IPAs in the fridge that aren’t gonna drink themselves, so I’ll sign off here, before any wars start. Stay safe out there, my friends.
*Imagine the raw, Nazi sewage Kinzinger must get in his inbox, every single day. Just imagine.