Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE
Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less” once. Not once. Well, shucks, may as well grab a drink and join me for a few nervous chuckles at all the zany, zany ways 21st century America refuses to learn history’s clearest lessons…wheeeeeeee.
BUT FIRST…move over, Omicron, it’s time for the other plague menacing humanity to run wild, and though this particular variant was 100% made in the USA, I’m sure Rand Paul will still figure out some way to blame China. I’m speaking, of course, of Tantrum-Throwing Manchildren Demanding the Right to Spread a Disease That’s Killed Millions.
(This is all coming on the heels of a new study showing the unvaccinated are 23 times more likely to be hospitalized with Covid than those of us who don’t have skulls full of hornets and rat turds, and how fun is it to live in a society where absolutely no one expects data that clear to change anyone’s behavior, because a certain political party decided it would be a good idea to brainwash their base into despising science?)
Egged on by the shittiest propagandists on the planet, the Freedumb Convoy descended upon Ottawa, bringing with them all the familiar hallmarks of MAGA “culture;” the Just Because We Lost the Election Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Have to Do What We Want petulance, the vandalism and violence, and of course, the odd swastika. (Stealing food from the homeless was a nifty innovation, though.) I suppose it was only a matter of time before America started exporting our least welcome, apparently endlessly renewable resource: racist asshats.
God knows we’ve got a surplus domestically. Hey, if any of you shitbag Canuck truckers feel like taking a couple dozen Orlando Nazis off our hands, I’m willing to pay shipping and handling. Yeah, a puny gathering of the master race’s finest (by which I mean a handful of skeezeballs who fell off the evolutionary ladder into the waiting arms of the ugly tree, with numerous intermediate collisions) hung their shitty little swastika flags from an overpass, right alongside the latest MAGA catchphrase, almost as though the Venn diagram of the two ideologies were a fucking circle.
Of course, the Real Victim Here™️ is Ron DeSantis, who not only declined to condemn the VIOLENT NAZI RALLY until he was cornered, on camera, by reporters, but used the occasion to melt down into the sorriest, self-pitying whingefest this side of a Trump monologue. This was after his Chief Executive Troll, excuse me, his “Press Secretary” theorized the whole thing was a false flag operation designed to make him look bad. Gosh, kids, what is it about a Nazi mob that would make a Republican politician look bad?
Could it be that what’s left of your “platform” resembles nothing so much as the Letters to Santa section on Stormfront? The Michigan state Senate candidate urging followers to “show up armed” to the polls, ready to terrorize voters and sabotage election equipment? The steady campaign of racially inflammatory stochastic terrorism, leading to a wave of bomb threats targeting historically Black colleges and universities this week? All of the above?
I dunno, maybe it has something to do with all the white nationalist extremists who tried to murder Congress last January 6th? You know, the ones a certain Deposed Dotard once again proposes pardoning?
If his latest hate rally is any indication, Off-Brand Orbán has plans to substantially expand the clemency list, should he find himself once more in the position to abuse that particular power. WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THESE MEDDLESOME PROSECUTORS? he asked the howling horde, SERIOUSLY I AM GUILTY AS FUCK AND I’VE RUN OUT OF LAWYERS.
And so Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, who is investigating the criminal conspiracy to overturn election results in Georgia, has been forced to seek FBI protection from bloodthirsty fanatics who’ve been promised legal immunity should they decide to take matters into their own hands, and I’m not saying American democracy is perilously unhealthy or anything, but if it were a supporting character in a movie, it would have coughing fits every time it appeared on screen.
Not so very long ago, Robert LaMay was a bonfide MAGA superstar, a former Washington state trooper who famously told Governor Jay Inslee just where he could stick his vaccine mandate. HOWEVER, recently, Covid-19 dropped by to tell Robert LaMay just where he could stick his proudly-unvaccinated self*, and suddenly the right wing media is no longer interested in his story, fancy that. Simple omission often does the lion’s share of disinformation’s work, and no doubt the death cult faithful will go right on believing Bob’s a lib-owning machine, instead of, y’know, a corpse.
I’m probably going to need a whole spin-off blog, just to keep up with the ten thousand individual bonfires of the American Right’s book-burning inferno. I could call it Shower Cap’s CensorShip of Fools, whaddya think?
Because now that conservatives have coalesced, with terrifying speed, around the insidious idea that it should be illegal to teach children that racism ever existed, it’s open season on any and all literature to the left of the goddamn Turner Diaries. Bye bye, To Kill a Mockingbird! Onto the pyre, Toni Morrison! Why, some bold innovators on the cutting edge of white supremacist thought control hope to seize the moment and do away with Black History Month. Oh, and I guess there must be some sort of Critical LGBTQ Theory out there, too, or have we already moved on to the “no excuses necessary” phase of the expurgation?
Norlin Mommsen, who is not, as his name implies, a hobbit too surly and unpleasant to score an invite to Bilbo’s birthday party, but rather an Iowa State Representative, proposed legislation to install cameras in every classroom, in order to livestream and record every moment of every child’s schooling. While this is an absolutely batshit idea, Mommsen’s mad little plot has, for obvious reasons, already earned the support of the GOP’s influential pedophile wing.
And for anyone who’s actually bamboozled by the ridiculous, herky-jerky dance of plausible deniability that dominates the discourse in our terminally silly political culture, there’s always “pastor” Greg Locke, who threw a literal book-burning, because the loser god he worships can’t handle kids reading Harry Potter or Twilight. I bet Locke’s god gets picked on by all the other gods…massive, celestial wedgies and whatnot.
As Moscow’s elected representative in the United States Senate, Josh Hawley was only doing his job when he submissively parroted Vlad Putin’s talking points on Ukraine, but…wait, what? Missouri? Are you sure? Huh. Well, that’s much more difficult to justify, then. What an absolute buttcrust.
I feel like there’s always some GOP institution or other performing some bizarre ritual shunning of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, and, well, they did it again, the RNC this time. That’ll teach you apostates to (checks notes) oppose terrorist violence! Excuse me, I mean “legitimate political discourse,” which is what Ronna NotRomney and co. call erecting gallows/smashing windows/smearing poo on the walls/assaulting and injuring 140 cops. Anyway, I just figured out how I’m gonna make my first million: Republican-to-English dictionaries! “Legitimate political discourse,” eat my ass, you fascist creeps.
Well, Rudy Giuliani’s quest to locate absolute zero on the dignity-o-meter led him to an appearance on the cultural trainwreck known as the Masked Singer, and honestly, I’m thinking about offering him twelve dollars in nickels to work the dunk tank at my next birthday party.
What else, what else…oh shit. Might wanna double Mike Pants’ Secret Service detail.
Condolences to the crew over at Fux Nooz, who had a great big party planned to celebrate what they hoped would be a terrible jobs report, only to have the Biden Boom jump out of the cake and piss in their Ovaltine. Alas, even Rupert can’t spin 6.6 million jobs created in one short year as failure.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this week’s edition of Shower Cap’s Blog; please set the device upon which you read it ablaze, and report to the nearest reeducation camp. Or maybe get to work on the GODDAMN MIDTERMS, before that kind of thing becomes mandatory, hmmmmmmmmmm? Stay safe out there, my friends…
*What am I, a theologian? Please don’t look to a drunken, middle-aged, white dude in a bathrobe and luchador mask for answers to the big questions, people.