Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Cannon’s Constitutional Calvinball & Other Semi-Fascist Shenanigans
I hope the leather-bound, multi-volume tomes on the Rise and Fall of Whatever the Fuck We Wind Up Calling This Madness are able to capture just how goddamn irritating it was to live through. Like, when you open the book, maybe a speaker in the spine emits a shrill, piercing whine? There’s a mood you need to set, y’know?
Well, this week, we learned it’s a helluva lot easier to loot lucrative state secrets when you can judge-shop until you land your case in front of some scruples-free sycophant auditioning for a gaudier uniform in the Reich to come.
Judge Aileen Cannon helpfully made Donnie Dotard’s case for him, since his idiot lawyers couldn’t, fabricating statutes as necessary to grant magical executive privilege rights to a cheap thief who was rather decisively stripped of executive powers by the American people not so very long ago.
Naturally, DoJ appealed Cannon’s loony attempt to elevate a larcenous reality television personality beyond the reach of the law, citing the damage caused to national security by her clumsy, clownish power grab. Since we’re trying to determine the whereabouts of the docs that once dwelled in all those empty folders, y’know? Like, did he swap ‘em to MBS for a golf tournament and a crate of experimental hair tonic, or just roll ‘em up to whack Eric on the nose for wetting the bed again?
Permit me to suggest that if former presidents were indeed allowed to hang onto classified intelligence pertaining to foreign nations’ nuclear capacity, like hotel towels or some shit, there would be extremely clear laws stating as much. There aren’t, of course, because that would be insane, though Kevin McCarthy’d probably instate jus primae noctis if asked.
Anyway, you can see why Team Treason tried to get their ridiculously frivolous (fridivulous?) lawsuit targeting Hillary Clinton and her Nebulous Confederation of Deep State Accomplices (who’ll be touring next spring in support of a new album, I’m told) heard by Cannon. Denied the crucial element of a robed accomplice, that one just got laughed out of court so derisively, Rudy Giuliani booked the parking garage next to Hyatt Regency Tuckpointing to complain about it.
Now, all this shameless lawlessness went a long way towards proving President Biden’s “semi-fascist” theory, but the MAGA-infected Republican Party still spent most of the week enthusiastically offering additional evidence at every opportunity.
Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot led the charge himself, throwing a cozy little hate rally for the Pennsylvania GOP’s absolutely batshit 2022 ticket. You definitely want to publicly praise oppressive dictators when you’re trying to prove how not fascist you are. Make sure to wank enviously to Xi Jinping’s “iron fist” while you’re at it, though I’d be hesitant to bring up fists of any kind, iron, ham, or otherwise, were I notoriously hypersensitive about my own tiny, inadequate, baby hands.
But surely only the unfascistest boy in the whole wide world would volunteer such a sad, simpering endorsement of flailing tyrant Jair Bolsanaro, right?
There’s certainly no better character witness to call than Marjorie Taylor Greene; it’s not like she’s world-renowned for spewing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories or anything. Speaking at the Pennsylvania rally, Marj credulously spread that silly furry-kids-shitting-in-litter-boxes-at-school hoax from a few weeks back, because fucking of course she fell for something so obviously fake…I’m sure it’ll be a staple in mass shooter manifestos going forward.
Meanwhile, some MMA fighter got it into his head (erroneously) that some new study finally proved that suck it Fauci, ivermectin really actually truly worked this whole time, and the wingnut internet gathered for yet another giddy, taunting victory lap, because Some Guy Said Something Incorrect on the Internet. The fun thing about MAGA culture is you never know which random blockhead’s stray tweet’s gonna tumble into the scripture.
I’ve never seen people so willing, so positively horny to be lied to. No wonder the papers’re full of stories about criminal investigations into various rube-bilking operations. My god, the fucking money the ticks suck out of these fevered fuckwits. More than $135 million to Save America PAC, a three-card-monte-obvious scam that’s now the target of yet another federal investigation earning subpoenas from grand juries.
“I gave Steve Bannon money, because he said he’d use it to build a wall on the Mexican border!” Wow, what a stupid fucking thing to do! Does Steve Bannon strike you as someone who knows one fucking thing about building anything? Did you check? Before you gave him your money? Yelp reviews? Anything? No? Huh.
Bannon got indicted again, which of course you already knew. Forgetting his gag reflex-triggering personality, he seems to believe he has a shot at being perceived as some sort of heroic political prisoner, like incel Nelson Mandela, I guess. Still, in a cult that canonizes the likes of Donald Trump and Kyle Rittenhouse, his chances aren’t awful.
(Incidentally, at a certain point in the very near future, I think we’ll need to examine whether or not recent unemployment figures have been warped by the sheer number of Americans serving on grand juries investigating the Trump cabal.)
Let’s not move on without belly-laughing at the institutional GOP’s fundraising woes; everybody’s bitching and moaning and pointing fingers as the grifter gravy train reroutes to Marm-a-Lago. Yeah, turns out that once the wall-builders and the Big Liars and the wild-eyed pillow merchants have taken their tithe, there isn’t much MAGA mad money left over for JD Vance, Adam Laxalt, or Blake Masters. I may be up all night crying about that.
Bet they could use some of those millions of dollars Rick Scott set on fire. Or the millions Rick Scott flushed down the toilet. The millions Rick Scott flung at the peasants from his luxury yacht during his recent Italian vacation, hoping to induce them to fight to the death for his amusement would surely be most welcome, but that money’s gone forever, alas; may I interest you in Rick Scott’s toxic policy platform instead? Cuz that’s what’s left.
Well, that and the exploitation horror movie roadside circus you weirdos nominated for Senate seats. You guys, Herschel Walker is polling well right now, and all he does is wander around Georgia, demonstrating how badly his brain works. Why is it so important to these people to grant fearsome political power to the manifestly unfit? Don’t you at least want competent assholes?
Nope, they want the freakiest freaks flopping around in their increasingly freaky mosh pit. Dangerous creeps with sinister ideas about democracy and freedom, because what the MAGA Republican base wants right now is leadership that condones law-breaking and violence. Because they’re such patriots, you see.
Heck, if watching video of a fake elector ushering a couple of Sidney Powell associates (or “kraken tentacles”) into a county elections office to breach the voting system doesn’t make you want to salute an apple pie, I don’t know what will. Seein’ folks come together like that, in a criminal conspiracy to steal our government from us, and lay it at the feet of a man who’s spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test, that’s Norman Rockwell shit.
Like those Michigan GOP officials, training poll workers to break rules in order to serve the party as “undercover agents.” Excuse me for a moment, I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to fondle a bald eagle.
See, they tell one another that they’re justified in cheating because WE cheat, in the same way they tell each other that horse dewormer cures Covid, or that liberal teachers let children shit in boxes; misconceptions used to justify misbehavior, demands of vengeance for imaginary wrongs…just because it’s become so commonplace doesn’t make it any less insane.
And the dirtbag propagandists stoking this madness know exactly what they’re doing, as proven by the leaked Fox Nooz email reading:
While we’ve all learned to tolerate, and perhaps even quietly enjoy Jeanine Pirro’s drunken racist aunt shtick, those’re actually some fairly dangerous lies she’s belching up between boxes of Franzia, so maybe we ought to, I dunno, deplatform her before the country catches fire?
Anyway, she got promoted.
A New Mexico judge removed capitol rioter Couy Griffin from his post as Otero County Commissioner, on account of his seditious terrorism and general brownshirtiness. What a great fuckin’ idea that is. Barring violent insurrectionists from positions of power? Yes, please.
‘Specially with the Anti-Defamation League’s new list of “elected officials, military members, and law enforcement officers” on the Oath Keepers’ membership roll. 373 of those fuckers, if you’re curious, “including at least 10 chiefs of police and 11 sheriffs.” Three hundred and seventy-three card-carrying members of a known domestic terror org, each wielding their own, personal slice of state power. How fun.
Former U.S Attorney Geoffrey Berman’s new book details all the pressure his not-all-fascist bosses in the Turd Reich applied, hoping to force unjustified prosecutions of political opponents, essentially the same sort of gangster corruption Government Cheese Goebbels got impeached for pulling with Ukraine. Anyway, no semi-fascists, quasi-Nazis, or I Can’t Believe It’s Not the Klansmen here, clearly.
Dr. Oz says that the filthy takers don’t deserve health and that his daughters don’t want to fuck him because his musk repels them and also that he should be a United States Senator, and, well, there’s a lot to disagree with there.
I see Vladimir Putin has arrived at the hope-nobody-notices-me-buying-weapons-from-North-Korea phase of his inevitable march to immortality, amidst a shockingly successful Ukrainian counteroffensive. Somewhere in the world, there’s a restaurant so exclusive you have to be the leader of a superpower to get in, and the maître d’ at that joint has been openly rude to Pooty since April.
…the book should not only scream at you while you read it, they should print it on paper that smells bad, like room temperature fast food farts and the brittle rage of the petulantly mediocre. Christ. No wonder I always need beer by the time I’m done writing this. Well, whatever your circumstances or preferences happen to be, my friends, I hope you find some equivalent way to take the edge off. Stay safe out there.