Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Yes, Joe Biden is the Divisive One. Die On That Hill.
Y’know, if this does all fall apart, at least future generations will be able to easily distinguish between the first American Civil War and the Dumb one. Silver linings.
Okay, we better get the documents thing out of the way first, because it’s all so stupid, I’m afraid I’ll suffer an orbital fracture facepalming if I think about it any longer than I have to.
The secret ingredient here is the almost incomprehensible incompetence of Donald Trump’s lawyers. And yeah, we’ve been reading about that for years now; he can’t get anybody to represent him, because in addition to the ever larger, dumber crimes he insists upon committing at every available opportunity, he’s literally famous for not paying the people who work for him. He’s actually got worse attorneys now than he had during his failed coup.
So my expectations were pretty low going into this thing, but watching ‘em in action has been…zounds. It’s a fuckin’ geek show. They truly are two years dumber than Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani, if that makes sense, and I don’t think I comprehended the enormity of that until this week.
Admittedly, mounting a legal defense when you’re this unambiguously fucked surely carries challenges. It hardly helps that the client can’t seem to stop confessing to felonies on his sad, sagging social media platform, but, crucially, these dopes don’t know enough to know what they don’t know, and they keep leaping, face first, from cow pie to cow pie…it has been a sight to behold, my friends.
They filed what they sincerely, adorably believed was a request for a special master, but was in actuality an invitation to the Justice Department to crotch-punt them all into the fucking sun. And punt they did.
And while it’s certainly impressive that they made it all the way back from the sun, things aren’t going so well otherwise. Like, one of ‘em went on TV to volunteer the information that the room with the stolen classified intel had all kindsa visitors. Why, access to national security secrets was only an insincere bit of flattery to an easily manipulated manchild away! Good lawyerin’, kid!
And though we’re already miles past the wildest limits of dumbness e’er dreamt of by poets or philosophers, somehow, it gets dumber still.
Because just as the dastardly deep state was about to get away with their greatest assault on freedumb to date, in swept Donald Trump, waving a sword made of pure, incandescent truth, to reveal, in a voice clear, yet trembling with righteous indignation, that he, poor persecuted he, did not keep his purloined, o-so-clearly-marked classified documents recklessly ‘pon the floor like some common scofflaw; ‘twas the FBI who placed them there, in an act of treachery most monstrous.
…no really, that’s the play. The FBI “staged” the photo, on the FLOOR, y’see, and somehow it is the floorness of the staging that is so…I dunno, nefarious? Bad, somehow? Fuck, you tell me. It’s legal scholarship from the ideology of ivermectin, why would it make sense?
In fairness, yapping about flooring is likely the only move left to you, once your own unforced error opens the door to the utter annihilation of your already flimsy cover story. The DoJ filing establishes a long, clear, documented pattern of deliberate (and, it must be said, oafish) obstruction, including moving and hiding requested documents, and you twerps can keep shrieking about Hillary’s emails if you think it’ll help, I guess.
The latest member of this legal Traveling Wilburys, Jim Trusty, (yes, that’s his real name; I guess Dipshit McFlunkedthebar was unavailable) equates one cheap gangster’s attempt to steal state secrets to a spat over an “overdue library book,” which reminds me of that time MBS gave me $2 billion for that copy of Encyclopedia Brown Lends a Hand I checked out in 1985, on the condition that I held the bonesaw while he changed into clean clothes.
THEY DIDN’T PUT HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP ON THE FLOOR, THAT’S FER GODDAMN SURE!
Man, I wish I believed in anything as much as these dizzy clods believe in Hunter Biden’s laptop. There’s a MOVIE, y’all. An honest-to-goodness, Breitbart-distributed Hunter Biden movie. Satire is impossible when reality is this farcical; I showed the trailer to Oscar Wilde, and all he managed to say was “welp.”
Because the state of our political discourse is so healthy and intelligent, America requires an entire class of bullshit-debunking pundits nowadays, perpetually on standby in case CNN needs someone to clarify for the public that no, documents do not magically become declassified when a defeated former President smears his own feces all over them.
Anyway, as you can see, for a variety of reasons, a legal defense isn’t really an option for Off-Brand Orbán, which would probably be funnier if the back-up plan wasn’t mob violence. And while he’s had trouble retaining attorneys, when it comes to obediently bloodthirsty psychopaths, he’s got run of a well-stocked buffet.
Backed into the shittiest corner of the internet with the entire QAnon idiotwad is actually the worst possible place for Donald Trump, so let’s get him into prison ASAP, okay? Dedicating his ample free time to lobbing raw meat at the feral asshats who actually use Truth Social is going to get people killed, which is of course the point. Just, y’know, casually riling up maniacs on the off chance one of them happens to murder the one guy that’ll keep him out of prison. Good a plan as any, I guess.
All of this law enforcement hullabaloo ‘round the house has been quite the nuisance for poor Melania, who simply wants to plug her new NFT con in peace. I gotta say, that’s a better plan than waiting to knife fight Junior n’ Eric over whatever scraps’re left once the law’s finally done with Daddy’s estate, but to anybody out there contemplating an investment in NFTs from Melania Trump, just buy lottery tickets, you’ll have more fun.
Okay, I don’t like being a wet blanket, but you’re not allowed to read any further until you finish your lesbian dance theory homework. You don’t want to wind up like Lauren Boebert, do you?
Speaking of grifters, I see Sarah Palin’s latest attempt to elbow her way back to the trough fell a bit short. Heh. ‘Course, she only lost cuz ranked choice voting is a Soros-funded frazzledrip Jade Helm plot to feminize the electorate, it couldn’t’ve possibly had the slightest thing to do with any of her widely-known shortcomings, like, say, the fact that the last time the people of Alaska elected her to do a job, she quit to pursue a now-stalled career as a celebrity nitwit.
Determined to create the illusion of a voter fraud problem where none exists, agents of the Florida state bureaucracy worked out a naaaaaasty little conspiracy to entrap a handful of ex-cons, cuz that’s the sort of the thing Republicans think government is for. Truly, the states are the laboratories of kakistocracy, and DeSantistan is the Troma version.
Equally sinister were the anti-democratic hijinks of the Republicans on Michigan’s Board of State Canvassers, who had the fucking gall to block an abortion rights ballot initiative because of a “spacing error.” They may not be very good at fixing problems or improving lives, but they’re really quite clever when it comes to cheating Americans of their right to self-governance.
Doug Mastriano doesn’t want this latest confederate uniform scandal to distract the public from his ties to white nationalist gathering hole Gab or his presence at the Capitol Riot or his penchant for axe-murdering Waffle House waitstaff or his abortion extremism and I only made one of those up, folks.
From aboard a yacht christened “Medicare Fraud,” Rick Scott dictated a pouty little op-ed to some butler or indentured pool boy, insisting that America actually adores his preposterous party’s proffered slate of potential Senators, who are very good candidates indeed, and not, as they appear at first glance, a collection of characters cut from Todd Solondz films.
Well, let’s check under the hood of that clown car, see how Rick’s theory holds up.
Herschel Walker remains my one-man walking insurance policy against a slow news week. First, he falsely accused Raphael Warnock of lying about owning a dog, for lord knows what reason, then he spent a few hours strutting around in his Crackerjack box deputy badge, somehow believing that would go well for him, and he wound up babbling incoherently about bicycles. Pretty tame week, by Herschel’s standards.
Meanwhile, Blake Masters is now claiming to be the ghost of John McCain possessing Blake Masters’ body, part of the larger trend of Republican candidates backing away from the extreme abortion positions they trumpeted two weeks ago, desperately hoping moderate voters are as easy to bamboozle as the zombies who mainline Alex Jones in the parking lot behind the abandoned laundromat. I mean, all you need to do is make millions of women forget about the rights you stole from them, how hard could that be?
Eager to help out, Ted Cruz provided his unusually punchable face to the Republican movement to claw back that ten grand in student loan forgiveness Biden just announced, despite the fact that the PPP loan Ted’s parents took out to pay kids to sit with him at lunch was completely forgiven.
Turns out Ginni Thomas, star of Peacock’s Insurrectionist Housewives of D.C., attempted to overturn the 2020 election in more states than we initially knew about, so update your scorecards.
Whenever Tate Reeves pops up in your news feed, you know you’re about to lose some of the swagger that comes with citizenship in a superpower. See, now the fella who brought the second-highest Covid death rate IN THE WORLD to American soil can’t even deliver drinkable water in his own capitol city. Who’s the shithole now?
Well, it took a couple days, but Cult45 finally remembered they’re supposed to feign outrage when somebody points out they’re fascists. Or even when, out of an abundance of undeserved courtesy, President Biden generously attaches every conceivable qualifier in order to spare your fashy fee-fees.
Strictly as theatre, it’s been excruciating; give me the honest batshit meltdown of January 6th any day over the jowlsy bloviating of the Republican enabler class. New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu, who has barely managed to harrumph derisively at the blazing hate orgy his party has become, was among the first to demand an apology.
…to demand an apology. Let me get something out of the way real quick.
Fuck your apology. Fuck Chris Sununu and every single pearl-clutching paperweight like him. Double fuck Kevin McCarthy of course, with the rustiest garden tool in the Saw franchise. Or perhaps with the “electric cord of liberty.”
I cannot fathom how these invertebrates imagine they have the right to lecture anyone anywhere on anything. Demand an apology from the coward in the mirror, you like demanding so much. Better yet: shut the fuck up. At long last, just shut the fuck up.
Incidentally, you’re not allowed to wallow in this particular victimhood puddle with Lindsey Graham gawkily signaling to Oath Keepers and Proud Boys on the other channel. Who do y’all think you’re fooling? You can gaslight some motherfuckers all damn day long, sure. You can drive them right off a cliff like lemmings, we’ve seen you do it. But to most of us, from the outside, you look like this blurred mass of furious clowns, ferociously rubbing shit into one another’s hair, for reasons that are difficult to determine. You truly do.
Like, do you little creeps understand how badly you’ve been behaving, to get the generic congressionals where they are right now? During inflation like this? People are sick of you and your shit and all the bizarre ways you insist upon inflicting harm on the rest of us.
After all we’ve suffered at the hands of these petty, vicious asshats; the disease spreading and the street violence and the endless, bleating griping; let me just say that I am supremely unwilling to be threatened by the likes of Lindsey Graham.
“My dad’s mob can beat up your justice system.” Bitch move, Senator. It’s like that time Ted Cruz challenged Ron Perlman to a fight…with Gym Jordan. You butt-suckling leeches. You mud-breathing weasels. Josh Hawley can call his book whatever he likes, if there is any group of Macy’s catalogue mediocrity models who are decidedly not man enough to deserve to plunge this nation into autocratic darkness, it’s the quivering vanilla pudding mound that is the Senate Republican Conference. Again I call upon them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, one and all.
Despite, or perhaps because of swift, decisive debunking, Tucker Carlson, “Libs of TikTok,” and their ilk redoubled their trans panic stochastic terror freakout targeting Boston Children’s Hospital, but I guess it’s unfair to disparage patriots who just want to get a few doctors murdered. My deepest, sincerest apologies for having offended you, Governor Sununu.
I don’t think they’re getting their apology from Biden, though. Seems he had something slightly different in mind.
Under the satanic light of the blood moon, Joe preached his dark gospel of democracy, berating the nation with divisive, partisan positions like “white supremacy is bad,” and “Republicans should incite less terrorism,” and he didn’t call for his hecklers to be physically assaulted even once.
And since then, it’s been a sonic wall of wingnut mewling, like every spoiled toddler in human history shitting themselves at once. MAGA culture has become an inescapable air horn of the petty grievances of the subpar, and it is unenfuckingdurable.
…which is why I must excuse myself now, to rinse my cranium out with beer, and repeat my nightly prayer to get Rip Van Winkled out of this Age of Derp. Stay safe out there, folks, we need ya for the midterms.