- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye
There once was a boy called Kevin McSomething, who ventured out into the world, looking to swap his soul for something shiny and hollow. The old witch who lived in the dumpster in back of the abandoned Blockbuster Video offered him half a pack of stale cookie dough bites and a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch, but Kevin said, “Oh, I bet I can get MUCH less than that!” and on he skipped, tra lee, tra la, until he came upon the Republican Party.
The rest, sad to say, is history, and if literacy is still a thing when we come out the other side of this shitshow, the textbooks will remember Speaker McCarthy as perhaps the single bootlickingest stooge in the craven cabal that sought to sell American democracy to a game show host who regularly brags about passing a cognitive test. Ask not for whom the face-eating leopard yowls, Kevin; it yowls for thee.
Under the terms McCarthy shrewdly negotiated with those unmatched leadership skillz of his, the Speaker serves at the pleasure of the skeeviest attention whore in his caucus, so Matt Gaetz pulverized a couple Viagra tablets, snorted ‘em off Andy Biggs’ ass, and dispatched his boss to a farm upstate, where he’ll have plenty of room to run around and play with the other “Young Guns.”
Naturally, the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ blamed Keville Chamberlain’s defenestration on Democrats, who were supposed to bail their election-denying, default-threatening, sham impeachment-pushing, fascism-enabling asses out “for the good of the country.” Why, the mewling “moderates” who cave to the radical fringe every. single. motherfucking. time. are even squawking about quitting the Problem Solvers Caucus.
GASP!
Not…THE PROBLEM SOLVERS CAUCUS!
(I assume you have fainted and recovered by now. Moving on.)
Kevin kicked off his Speaker Emeritus phase with all the class and dignity we’ve come to expect from him, ordering his buffoonish placeholder replacement to evict Nancy Pelosi from her office, while she attended Diane Feinstein’s funeral in California, so he could move in. Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
Now he’s talking about fleeing Congress altogether. Good. May you pass the remainder of your days in sandpaper underpants, you spineless chickenshit.
Anyway, now begins the assclown slap fight for the worst job in Washington. Who will emerge from the morass as the next Grand High Turd of the Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus? Will it be Steve “David Duke Sans Baggage” Scalise? Gym “Feel Free to Molest Wrestlers in the Cloakroom” Jordan, who earned the coveted endorsement of Inmate P01135809? Or possibly Kevin “Also a Congressman, Apparently” Hern?
Better vote quick, campers, cuz George Santos could be hauled off to prison at any moment, especially now that his former campaign treasurer has taken a plea deal, and implicated him in campaign finance fraud.
John Kelly confirmed all those stories about the Velveeta Vulgarian calling our troops “losers” and rubbing his butt on the graves of the fallen and whatnot are totally true, a revelation that will surely cost him electoral support with an evangelical base that’s notoriously as repelled by disrespect for the military as they are by lying, stealing, inciting violence, and illegally paying thousands of dollars to conceal extramarital affairs with porn stars.
Barred from all the really cool one-percenter clubs after falling off the Forbes 400, Off-Brand Orbán aimlessly wandered the streets of New York until he stumbled, purely by chance, into one of the many courtrooms where he’s on trial. He lingered for a few days to antagonize the judge, which is the sort of thing only the very stablest of geniuses do.
He earned himself a gag order, for dropping Judge Engoron’s principal law clerk in his loyal murder mob’s crosshairs, (with an assist from the shrieking heads at Fox Nooz) as part of his ongoing campaign to terrorize the justice system into submission. Beyond that, he mostly just whined about not getting the jury trial his own equally stable, equally genius lawyers declined to request.
Say, if there’re any spare gag orders laying around, maybe somebody can get this goon to stop blabbing our nuclear secrets to every foreign billionaire and Russian intelligence officer that wanders by? Probably wouldn’t hurt to discourage the Hitler-y language, while we’re at it.
Meanwhile, the Dotard dropped his retaliatory lawsuit against Michael Cohen, rather than sit for a deposition under oath, amidst the customary cavalcade of legal setbacks. (With more to come, given the inanity of the week’s fresh filings.)
“How many voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb,” asked Greg Gutfeld, Fox’s resident comedian. “Trick question, elections don’t work, try civil war instead!” Greg’ll get his very own sitcom in the Reich to come, about a single dad trying to raise a couple of (white) kids on a concentration camp guard’s salary, called Who’s the Gruppenführer?
In a desperate bid to get someone to pay his legal bills, outstanding taxes, and tab at Four Seasons Total Malt Liquor, Rudy Giuliani announced he’s suing the President, alleging Biden ruined his reputation. Unless you’ve got footage of Joe donning a hyper-realistic, Mission: Impossible-style Rudy mask right before every single one of your public appearances over the last five years, I don’t like your chances, kid.
Speaking of unpaid bills, seems the pillow money finally ran out, leaving Mike Lindell lawyerless before the voting machine companies he’s been so vigorously defaming. In the end, Dominion may have to settle for Fox’s $787 million plus a coupon for 20% off a shitty comforter.
It’s actually been a banner week for stories about shitbags going broke, which brings us to Lil’ Ronnie DiSappointus, who finds himself with barely enough cash on hand to cover the funnel cake budget on the state fair circuit. Pro tip to any GOP megadonors reading this: next time, maybe check to make sure your boy can approximate human facial expressions before investing too many millions.
Plus, rumor has it the state of Arkansas may soon file for bankruptcy, under the crushing weight of Governor Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ $20,000-a-day podium habit.
Busloads of antifas descended upon Vivek Ramaswamy’s car in Iowa, seeking to tear the prattling gadfly limb from limb for loving America too much. Okay, admittedly, that didn’t technically “happen,” but I heard it from this furry kid who was shitting in a litter box, so I reported it anyway.
New Jersey State Assembly candidate Joseph Viso is sorry about that one time he smeared feces on that one children’s daycare center, he was simply upset because “Obama came into office the year before.” How Obama was responsible for Viso’s 2016 conviction for conspiracy to distribute Methylone was unclear at press time.
So, some prime specimen of MAGA masculinity got arrested for carrying a handgun in the Wisconsin Capitol, while shirtlessly seeking an impromptu audience with Governor Tony Evers, which is the sort of thing that happens every day now, in our exceptionally healthy democracy. I only bring it up because as soon as the little freak posted bail, he returned to the Capitol, this time with an assault rifle. Alas, the dude was hospitalized before he could complete the trifecta, with a nail gun or a Sherman tank or whatever.
Well, it took the full fury of the dastardly deep state, but Lara Trump’s cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has been successfully cheated of its rightful place as our next national anthem. When you look the song up on Spotify, Dr. Fauci shows up at your front door and administers a special, ivermectin-proof variant of the Covid vaccine that beams Hillary Clinton speeches directly into your mind via 5G.
Speaking of Hillary, she triggered Cult45 again, by calling them a cult, which is what they are. WHY, IT’S THE BASKET OF DEPLORABLES COMMENT ALL OVER AGAIN, they screeched…from their basket.
Okay, that’s about all I can stand for one week. If you’re still readin’, and you want to support the blog, I’m rebuilding the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter @john_luzar, in addition to the email list at showercapblog.com, plus there’s always room for another 6 pack in the ol’ beer fridge. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, chum…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
‘ Keville Chamberlain’s’
Brilliant….
Now I have lived in Oakland and S.F. so I have seen some wild shit in my life, So most of this shit you talk about is way too common.
But you look over at the high court and see a white women pimp selling a black male whore. Must admit I never seen that before.
Hope I never see it again. And I’m 87 years old by the way.
My friend,
I’m not sure how you pull it together week after week to do this ‘cast. I’ve grown so tired of these fucking clowns, I’m seriously considering whether I can handle Canadas winters. Mexico is an obvious choice, (climate-wise a much better fit), but I hear we’ll be rolling on them soon to appease the Mexican hating members of the GOP base. Not sure I wanta be caught up in the middle of THAT mess.
At any rate I’m sure glad you’ve stayed with us here and, TBH, really happy to hear you sounding a bit more attack dog-ish. It’s good for the soul and it lets people like me know we are not alone in feeling that stuff.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Enjoy the suds!
Another Friday with the gift of laughter, after a week of surviving another political sht storm. Thanks Cap, for your greatness.
Epic, Cap…I can’t stop giggling about that first Orban parp. Here’s a beer on me.
“When you look the song up on Spotify, Dr. Fauci shows up at your front door and administers a special, ivermectin-proof variant of the Covid vaccine that beams Hillary Clinton speeches directly into your mind via 5G.”
I tried this just to get Dr. Fauci to my door to personally thank him. Regrettably, he was probably already administering common sense to others & wasn’t able to make it to my door.
Gaetz snorting crushed blue ones off Bigg’s ass. Brain bleaches all the way around. Ugh! Funny as shit!
My favorite line: Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
And it only took the Rethugs until Tuesday to get around to blaming the Jews for the whole thing; of course we know it was all a Soros-funded plot!
I echo CL: my favorite line: Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
So true. Yet another great post. As long as you write ‘em, we won’t get tired of winning.
p.s. sent you beer last week. I hope you enjoyed your Bud Lite.
Well done as usual Cap
I save your weekly tome for my Saturday mornings…something I look forward to all week, and of course it never fails to live up to my expectations. Your beer stein runneth over with razor sharp wit, penetrating insight, and stinging phraseology. My sanity is beholden to you for your succinct coverage of the weeks’ GQP antics…otherwise I’d resort to hitting myself repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer! Beer coming your way!
Thanks for the laughs and the lift. As a volunteer for the local humane society, I’ve been fostering a litter of kittens who lost their mom. So I’m a bit wore out. In no mood to put up with the skullduggery in D.C. So your blog was especially appreciated. But it always is. All the best to you!
AND Rep Chuckee Edwards (R-NC11) who succeeded fake Christian Mark Meadows old seat AND Madison Cawthorn’s old stomping grounds—nah he couldn’t stomp anywhere in his wheelchair after hving been in bad MVA after he & bro went to sleep at wheel after doing blow all night—-Chuckee Edwards just sent to us, his constituents, via his e newsletter- a forced choice/ck yes or no— a poll:
UKRAINE or PUTIN.
I kid u not. That’s what big blue asheville expects from this string of Hendersonville NC losers.
Guess I’m gonna hve to glue more of my super glued stickers to local STOP signs: “Republican Chaos.” Funny: someone did a good job of clawing it off but I bet they wrecked their fingernails.
Great job as usual, Cap! My Fridays are something to look forward to, thanks to you. I’m SO glad you are back!
“Say, if there’s any spare gag orders lying around…” : masterful! Thanks, Cap. Always grin when I see your latest masterpiece in my inbox.
Thank you for making the end of times hilarious. I love your writing.
I proudly award you the Best run-on sentence in the internet this week!
The rest, sad to say, is history, and if literacy is still a thing when we come out the other side of this shitshow, the textbooks will remember Speaker McCarthy as perhaps the single bootlickingest stooge in the craven cabal that sought to sell American democracy to a game show host who regularly brags about passing a cognitive test.
Of course there were a whole lot of other gut-busting and howling lines and descriptions, but that is definitely the best run-on I’ve seen in a long time. And that includes my own, and that is saying something!
Have a good one, Cap. I don’t dare dip my toes or fingers or keyboard into the mess formerly known as Twitter. I am scared of being lost in the morass there, although I applaud those who wade on in. Good luck in there, and I look forward to seeing you here next week. Joni
Just when you thought it could not get crazier, the Middle East (birthplace of the world’s first standing army) yet again decided war is the only way to solve problems. The fact that approach has been tried 2,743,967,405 times for the past four thousand years was hand waved away. Well what the hell, it does take our minds off our other problems. Who knows, maybe Rocket Man craves attention; that put this current tragedy back under the fold.
(I’m way too old for this shit.)
Good stuff Cap. Just wondering if you could do a blurb or two about Tommy the Commie Tuberville and his latest clown like actions in blocking military promotions.in the U.S. Cheers Budd
Elmo does it again. He proves he is a Nazi who wants slavery. His family got their dirty money using slavery in South Africa. Elon does NOT know much history.
Elon Musk @elonmusk
“Most people don’t know much history.
Slavery was standard practice almost everywhere on Earth since humans existed. Only last century was it made rare.”
And we should mention that the USA fought a war to end slavery. But our billionaires still want slavery because it is standard and profitable practice for rich people throughout history. But it continues, trickle down economics. One example among many, Mississippi the poorest state in the union, remains poor because the White Supremacists steal money that should be for the poorest. About $70 Million was stolen from the TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) by greedy, rich “White” people. Brett Favre, former football quarterback stole $6 Million or more. And no one has been punished except poor people of Mississippi.